Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Join Me on My Quest. My Quest For UN-Sperm-like Eyebrows!

Yes, my friends, you read that right. I have eyebrows that resemble sperm! Well, to be perfectly honest with you when I was first told of this deformity of the face it was described as "guppy brows", but after really studying them in the mirror I decided they look more like sperm. Sperm swimming across my FACE! And who would be so bold as to tell me I have guppy brows that have to go? Well, no other than Bridget from My Silly Blog. Yes, THAT sweet, adorable Bridget. But she later told me that it wasn't her that called out my brows, but indeed it was her beautiful, young, Mac-cosmetic-addicted daughter, Katie.

Now let me backtrack a wee bit so you won't think too harshly of both Katie and Bridget (bitches that they are), to an email I'd sent to some of my girls. I'd attached a picture of just my eyes to show them my very sloppy eye shadow job, my long, luxurious eyelashes, and to question them about the crookedness of my brows. Yes, I already knew they were crooked, but couldn't tell if it was the actual brows, or because my nose is slightly off-kilter. Come to find out it's both. My nose is crooked and my eyebrows are too!

Anyway, I'd also told Bridget to show a picture of me to Katie so she could maybe make some color suggestions and some possible application tricks for me. All these years I've thought I was so good at applying makeup. That is until I started watching Katie's You Tube video tutorials on makeup application. I use the sponge applicator the eye shadow comes with. Katie uses a different specialty brush for every different part of the lid. I swipe my blush brush over the shadow to blend it. Katie very gently uses an actual blending brush. It takes me five minutes to put on my whole face. It takes Katie 20 minutes just for her eyes!

Oh! And did I mention that I'm now officially too old to wear "sparkly" shadows? I'm assuming that Katie is telling me the shimmer highlights my tiny little lines more than it does my actual eyes? Thirty-eight years old and now imprisoned by matte cosmetics. Could life BE any more unfair? Well, I'm going to try and embrace my droopy old eyes so I went to Walgreens tonight and picked up some new color palettes. We'll just have to see what I can do with them when my new applicator brushes (vegan approved even!) come in the mail from eBay.

So now I find myself having to leave my cosmetic ego at the door, and bow down to the advice of my new makeup guru, Katie. Don't they say the proof is in the pudding? Well, in my case the proof is in the photo-shopped picture that Bridget created to show me how I'd look in Katie's advised colors, and with my sperm- brows grown out and then waxed to perfection. Looky here and see the difference!!!!!!!

Amazing, isn't it? So, as I take this journey of growing out my sperm-brows, I'm taking your bloggy asses with me. If I have to walk around looking like Sasquatch for weeks on end, you can be damn sure I'm going to make you suffer as well, by looking at pictures of each hairy increment! You'll just never know when a hairy brow picture will show up in my blog. You may find yourself running from your computer, screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!" just as Phoebe did on Friends when she walked in on Chandler and Monica having sex. Things are gonna get ugly people! So, beware! Bwaaaa haaa haaaa haaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

*****3 hours or so later, I've decided to give you a linky to Katie's You Tube makeup tutorials. This girl has got it going on!

Until next time, Justine :o )

21 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Buffie

    ROFLMAO!!!!! OMG!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Now THAT is friggin' funny!

  • Bridget

    ROFLMAO I will show this to Katie, she's going to love it!
    Love, Mama Bitch

  • Bridget

    Baby Bitch read your post and was very amused!

  • French

    Oh Justine who else could possibly tell that story in that way and get away with it?? Thinking.......nope nobody! OMG I guess I am breaking the rules too! I wear sparkly shadow too! OK Katie~~Paradisco by MAC? Wrong? UGH! I hate getting old and I swear I am fighting it every step of the way!! With my arthritic self, and my heating pad in tow!~~ Tell Katie I need help too!~~`French;0)

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Omg, they do look sperm shaped! At least you have enough hair for brows. Mine is really sparse on one end and I hate painting them in there, so mostly I just leave them alone. My daughter is so lucky. She has perfect brows.

    Anyhow, this is going to be interesting!


  • Tootsie

    you kill me....now all you need to do is add the hairmixer app on facebook! lol
    good luck sasquatch!
    by the way...your email is not working for me today....have you received anything from me? it keeps saying that it is delayed.

  • Tismee2

    I didn't notice it until you mentioned it, but yes they do look like sperm. Not that I am an expert on the subject of course.

    I have had a look at Katies you tube and she is very good - I know this because of course I worked for Clinique in the past and had proper training and all.

    So when I get to St Augustine I need to look out for some wifey stumbling around with eyebrows hanging down her face? Well that'll make you easier to spot!


    BTW bollards are those little posts that stop you driving up on pavements/sidewalks or block off something - there are lots of them here since the days of ram raiding shops (driving through shop windows for the loot)

  • The Scarlett Rose Garden

    Ok, so I have to agree. But I choose to call them Paisley brows... sounds MUCH better, lol!

    And I'm not ready to give up my frosty shadows, I don't care if they hilite every frickin' crows foot I've got. I ain't givin' up the frosty lips neither, ha!

    I usually do go matte when wearing vintage tho.

    Wish I could wax em for ya sweetie,

  • SchmeckyGirl

    LMAO! So glad you read Bigeee's email reply before mine! Of course that means I totally agree with her. lol.

    I'm excited to see the final look once you get them "corrected". They look good photoshopped.

  • Lisa

    I hate having to wax my eyebrows. HATE it. I love the way look afterwards but why cant we let them grow all raggedy like men? NO NO NO we have to keep them all pretty like and groomed. And perfect eyebrows take more time in the am. Stare in the mirror, find any stray ones, pluck them out, cringe in pain, start over again. It is a never ending battle.

    I just waxed mine yesterday before I went out with some friends. So funny that this morning I wake up to read your blog all about eyebrows. Great minds thinks alike :)

    Have fun during your transformation from sperm brows to glam brows!

  • SchmeckyGirl

    I'm confused. What's a favicon? All I see is the red eyed tree frog at the top. What am I missing? What is it of?

  • nikkicrumpet

    OH MY HECK...that whole eyebrow oratory had me falling of my chair laughing. I'll never be able to look at anyones eyebrows again without checking to see if they look like sperm. TOO FUNNY!

  • Shelia

    Justiney!! You're a hoot this morning! Spermy eyebrows! How funny. You look loverly, dahling. Just be glad you don't have nose hairs growing all over the place. It could be worse!! lol
    Thanks for coming to see me, no occasion, just fun!!
    Be a beautiful browed sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Donna

    LOL!!! You are insane! My eyebrows look like sperm... and I like them! I refuse to kill my facial sperm!!! (LOL)

    How have you been? I miss you crazy blogs! (ROFL)


  • Elizabeth

    You're killin' me! Who, but a woman, would study another person's brows?!!
    BTW, love your new counter!

  • Picket

    Oh my word!!! Is nothing scacred to you!?? lol lol Girl you ain't right!!! lol lol Next you'll be showing us how to wax our lips and girl I swear if you post bikini waxing pictures of yourself I am shutting off your light! lol lol Oh my word...you need a pill !!! lol lol

  • Dazzlemama

    My life is over... no more sparkly eye shadows? Am I too old too or do I have a few months left?


  • Buffie

    OMG! Picket!!! ROFL!!! She is weird isn''t she? But what are we to do but love her for daring to say what we won't!

  • mrsben

    OMG tooooo funny Justine!!! I think after reading this, I will just stick with my long bangs. (They hide a multitude of sins and a quick fix.)

  • Penny

    This is the most hilarious blog of all time. I'm with Picket, you ain't right girl! Too funny.
    The photoshopped eyes and brows truly are beautiful.


  • sista #2

    I need to go get sperminated .

    thanks for the reminder.