Friday, February 27, 2009

So I'm Taking a Break from Unpacking...

And just visited my new friend, Stacy's, blog. She had just visited Ann's blog (I've never met this chick) who is having a Virtual Girl's Night Out party. Well hey, I've been packing, unpacking and cleaning for days on end. I could use a bit of a party! So I hopped on over to Ann's and she's got this cute little word/sentence game going on. She got it from someone else's blog but my eyes are crossing trying to keep all this straight, so screw it.

Anyhoodle (love that... got it from the Sistas at Holy Crappers) here's my sentence:

I did the macarena with an I-Pod in my bathroom, because I'm sexy and do what I want.

Now, I don't own an I-Pod and even if I were going to dance to one if I had it, I certainly wouldn't be doing the macarena. Maybe the Cha Cha Slide, but that's as far as I'll go people. And dammit, if I'm in the bathroom I'm gonna do it naked! That's right! I'll let the fat fly! It's quite liberating to knock yourself out with your own boobies.

I think I'm tripping on Clorox Cleanup.

Anyone wanna volunteer to help me clean 6 bathrooms (between both houses)? No? Well, you suck!

Must take my Cinderella ass back to the hovel. I mean, kitchen.

Until Next Time, Tiney

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Moving SUCKS

Yeah, I'm still excited about moving to a new house, but man, the actual moving part truly sucks ass. I'm sorry I haven't been a good bloggy friend the past couple of days, but ooh baby have we been busy!

Jimmy has worked like a friggin' machine the past two days. I was out yesterday running errands and getting my hair cut. When I returned home 3 hours later, he, his secretary and another guy from work had moved out EVERY piece of furniture in my house, sans kitchen and patio tables. Nothing was left. Not a bed, not a couch, nothing to sit on but a folding chair. Last night I slept on a blow-up bed that deflated. Twice.

Today Jimmy moved and unpacked stuff for another 10 hours or so, barely stopping to eat. I, on the other hand, have done almost nothing compared to him but I feel like I've been hit by a train. The last couple of times we moved, his employers have paid to have it professionally packed and shipped. Doing it yourself truly bites. Especially when half the guys in the neighborhood are sitting around drinking beer, watching you (Jimmy) haul shit back and forth for hours on end without offering any help.

I'd like to publicly thank Black Michelle, Ron and Linda for pitching in like they did. You guys rock!

Anyway, we're allowed to move into the house permanently any time we want, but first we have to get the electric turned over to our name. Anyway, I know this was short and incredibly boring, but I just wanted to let you all know why I've been so unusually quiet the past few days. I love and miss you guys so much already!

Until Next Time, Tiney

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Communicating with Jill

Sometimes, having a conversation with Jill is a bit like an Abbott and Costello routine.

Things will be going along smoothly, she’ll be talking in a way that everything is understandable. Then stupidity takes over Jill’s grey matter and I’m left with a huge question mark bubble over my head, followed by uncontrollable laughter.

Take for instance, one conversation we had early last week. The two of us were discussing our health and the fact that we need to lose weight to improve it.

Jill: I really have to get some of this weight off. I wish I could have gastric bypass surgery.

Me: What? That’s a bit drastic, don’t you think?

Jill: Well, not the bypass surgery. I guess the laptop one.

Me: Did you just say “laptop surgery"? You did not just say that! It’s lap band!

Cue in snorts and giggles.

A couple of days later we’re on the phone while she’s driving. She stops for gas without my knowing. Now, it’s not a good idea to talk on your cell phone while pumping gas because of the whole static electricity thing. So, as we’re talking I notice a slight echo.

Me: Jill, do you have me on speaker phone? Take me off!

Jill: I can’t touch the phone! I’m pumping gas!

Me: If you’re not touching your phone who’s holding it?

Jill: My boobs.

Me: Excuse me? You have your cell phone in your cleavage while you’re pumping gas?

Jill: Yeah, do you have a better idea?

So now she’s done with the gas and goes to another store as we’re still talking. She’s walking through the parking lot toward the store.

Me: Jill, am I still talking from your boobs?

Jill: Yeah, why?

Me: Don’t you think you should remove the phone from your tits while you’re shopping?

Jill: Why? This is better than bluetooth! Hey! It's Boobtooth!

OMG, the things this girl does keep me laughing on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if we’re really from the same gene pool. At times all it takes is just one simple sentence to send me reeling with laughter.

Jill is scolding Gianna for not eating her cereal.

Jill: Gianna! Go eat your flip flops right now!

Jill: (laughing) Oh my God, I meant Froot Loops!

Me: Oy, I just give up. You’re whacked.

Fast forward to two nights ago, once again on the phone.

Jill: Iwm bussssin my tweaf

Me: What? You’re waxing your face?

Jill: No! Iwm bwushing my teef!

Me: O… kay.

Jill: I can’t gurgle!

Me: Gurgle? You can’t gurgle?

Jill: Yeah, what?

Me: I think you meant gargle.

Jill: (Hysterical laughter) Is gurgle a word?

Me: Yes, of course it is! Like a babbling brook gurgles.

Jill: What the fuck is a babbling brook?

Me: Oh man, I give up! You need some serious help! Go get yourself a damn Webster's!

Jill: (Blowing nose)

Me: Jill, are you peeing right now? (Jill blows her nose EVERY time she pees. This was noted in a long ago post.)

Jill: Yes! How did you know?

Me: I’m disowning you.

Until Next Time, Tiney

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Your Burning Questions, Answered

Okay guys, you asked your questions and now I'm ready to answer them. Remember, Jill will be answering these same questions on her blog, trying to answer them as if she were me, so make sure that when you're done here, you go visit her here to see how accurate she is! This is going to get a bit long, but bear with me. You're the ones that had a bazillion questions to ask after all!

French: What is one thing about blogging/bloggers that really pisses you off?

Me: There are a couple of things actually. One is people who read my blog time and again, but never comment. I mean come on, how long does it take to say hello? The only time I don't comment on a blog post is if there was absolutely nothing I found even remotely interesting about it.

Can't be bothered to comment? Well then, this is for you!

The other thing that really ticks me off is how some bloggers only come by my place after I've been to theirs. Let's say I've put up a post, but then I'm busy for a couple of days and don't have time to read every one's blogs. I notice that there are certain people that will not come by, even if they know a new post is up. Then when I get time to go blog hopping and leave comments on their posts, they come visit me. It's actually a little hurtful and makes me think, "Are they only coming by out of obligation?"

Monica: Have you ever been outside the USA? If yes, where? Where else would you like to go?

Me: I went to Tijuana, Mexico with Jill and my parents on a family trip to CA when I was 14. When I was nearly 19, Jimmy and I took a vacation together to Aruba. That was totally incredible. Maui, HI on our honeymoon, and then Cozumel, Mexico on a cruise for our 10th anniversary. The cruise was great, but Cozumel sucked ass.

Chuck: Is it true that the concept for "Blog Wars" came to you while in a trance state. Is it true that you then goaded your sister, Jill, into joining you? Is it true that the sole purpose of Blog Wars is to put the fun back into dysfunctional? Inquiring minds want to know.

Me: Ya know, I don't remember who came up with the term "blog wars". It was another blogger, I believe, and it just stuck. But yes, I did goad Jill into blogging because I knew she had great stories to share. It's been a fun ride so far having her here in blogland! Stay tuned, 'cause only God knows what her and I will come up with next to entertain you and embarrass ourselves.

Bridget: If you could go back in time to meet any famous person, who would you want to meet, and why?

Me: This was kind of a serious question, and one that I thought on for a while. I've always been infatuated with the thought of growing up in the 50s. It was so much more of an "innocent" time, one where family usually came before all else. Think Donna Reed and Back to the Future.

Anyway, I think I'd like to meet Martin Luther King, Jr. I'd like to tell him that I support him 100%. I'd like to tell him about all the changes our country has gone through in the time since his death, and what a huge impact he made on us.

Rose: What food would you pick for your last meal?

First, I'd start off with my mother-in-law's homemade Caesar salad. No one makes it better than she does.

Next would be Bang-Bang shrimp from Bonefish Grill. Oh my, the mix of flavors is exquisite.

For my entree, I think I'd go for Thai Cashew Chicken (spicy!) from Mama Fu's. If you have one of these places near you and have yet to go, GO! The food is incredible.

With my entree, I'd love to have one of these. Haven't had one in about 10 years due to the whole sugar thing, but oh myyyyyyyyyyyyy. Made just as you see here. Rocks, no salt.

Now on to dessert. Because I'm hypoglycemic, I very rarely get to indulge in anything sweet, so I think I'd go a bit bonkers here. But one thing I constantly crave is Dunkin' Donuts. So, I'd have at least a dozen of these.

Another yummy dessert that is only made once a year in our family, and that I only allow myself to have one of, is my Grandma's own version of Italian Struffoli with honey. Instead of making it into the traditional balls, she made it the Greek way, into what we call flowers.

And no dessert is complete (in my eyes anyway) without a strong cup of java.

Rose also asked: What is your favorite perfume?

Me: I love anything vanilla, but I think my favorite perfume would be Victoria Secret's 55.

Mrs. Ben (Brenda): Is there anything you would do differently in your life if you had a second chance? What would it be?

Me: Absolutely! I would have allowed myself the freedom to date more, instead of hopping from one relationship (age 14-16), to my final relationship (16-present) with Jimmy. Although my first boyfriend and I had a spectacular two years together, and I learned what true love really means, I was so young! And then after that ended, three weeks later I met and started dating Jimmy. He nearly knocked my damn socks off, and for many years spoiled the living shit out of me, but I never lost that feeling of "what if?".

Donna: At what age did you realize that you were totally bizarre in the way you think? And what is the funniest thing you've ever done?

Me: I don't know if there was ever a "Holy shit! I'm weird!" moment, but from about the time of puberty on, I loved acting goofy and making people laugh. I don't think I realized my full bizarro potential until I met my closest high school friend, Nikki, in 9th grade. She was even more whacked than me, and together we made quite the team. Oh my goodness, the amount of laughing we did together! I remember one night when she slept over, I had to change my panties SEVEN times because I kept laughing so hard I peed myself.

I don't think I actually do funny things. I'm not a comedian ha-ha type of person. I just generally find the stuff going on around me humorous and expound on it. There is one thing that sticks out in my memory though. About 6 years ago I hosted a sex toy party at my house. Had lots of neighbors over and had a great time. But I wanted to do something that would shock them and make them laugh. So, for what seemed like days I searched the internet to find a cake pan in the shape of a penis. Yes, you read that right. A penis! I made one cake with pink icing and then chocolate sprinkles for the pubes. I even used a knife to make vein marks. I know, gross, but hey, it's how I roll. Then I made another cake, this one with chocolate icing (hey, I'm all for penile equality) and coconut for the pubes. "Testicle anyone?"

Jill (Kiki): If you rubbed an old lamp and a genie popped ou and said, "3 wishes as fast as you can!" what would you wish for?

Me: Eradication of illness. The end of all forms of hatred. Enough money to live comfortably and take care of everyone in my family.

Gloria: What is your biggest regret in life?

Me: Aside from what I pointed out in Mrs. Ben's question, I think I regret not going to college. I definitely had the brains for it, but education was never a big deal in our house (unfortunately), and college was never even encouraged.

Beckie: If you were a talk show host, name three people, famous or not, that you'd love to interview. What one question would you for sure ask them.

Me: Jason, Grant, Steve and Tango from Ghost Hunters. First I'd ask if I could join TAPS. Second, I'd ask Steve if I could lick his BLEEP!!!!!! tattoos.

I would interview Nora Roberts and ask her how she knocks out so many books per year, but still keeps them fresh and brilliant.

I would interview Michael Lee West, our very own Gollum and ask her why it takes her so damn long to knock out a book when I want to read it now! Then I would beg her to let me come live with her in Tennessee. Her house is like something out of a magazine, she sets a mean table, and she's got all those critters! Michael, I promise, if you take me in as a guest, I will be your stable girl. I will shovel donkey shit just for the honor of sleeping in that gorgeous guest bedroom you've got.

Rhea: If you could open your own restaurant, what kind of food would you serve, and what would the name of the restaurant be?

Me: I would probably have an Italian restaurant, and the name would be Ferrara's Cucina.

Rhea also asked: If you could do anything job-wise, what would you most like to do?

Me: I can't say specifically but it would definitely be something to do with animals. I don't exactly have high aspirations, but just being a pet sitter would be peachy to me.

Buffie: If you could have your "toe thumb" fixed by using a perfect cadaver/donor thumb, would you do it?

Me: Are you insane? This toe thumb is part of who I am! Brachydactyly Type D, or Stub Thumb, obviously runs in my family. Cousin Chessie has it on both hands!

Sue: Going back to the "boinking" post, is it true you haven't boinked since 2007, or that you just haven't boinked outside? Why?

Me: Yes, it's very true, and to make things simple and not betray Jimmy's privacy (wait, that made it sound like he's got a problem. He doesn't!), I'll just say that in the 23 years we've been together we grew apart instead of closer together. Our marriage is not a good or happy one, but we stick it out to keep our family intact.

Devri: If you had a choice to be a toothbrush or toilet paper, which would you rather be?

Me: Definitely a toothbrush. At least with that I'd know I was cleaning the stuff that went in, not the stuff that came out. Can I get an "Ewwwwww"?

Mariah: Do you like horror movies?

Me: They're definitely not my favorite, but that's basically because it's a rare thing for a good horror movie to come out. The last movie that truly freaked me the hell out was The Blair Witch Project.

Mariah also asked: If you were totally desperate and had a wood vibrator, would you use it, or be afraid of splinters?

Me: Okay, you're a freak, girl. A wooden one? What? Someone actually sat there and whittled the damn thing? I think I'd rather go without. You just gave new meaning to the question, "Got wood?"

Nikki Crumpet: If you had to have a lesbian night of love, who would be the woman of your dreams?

Me: You, Nikki. I've got a sudden jones for some Nikki love. Come on babe, we could have an interfaith love affair like no other!

Okay seriously, I really had to think about this to come up with someone I would go there with. The answer is, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Kick-ass body, sweet personality, one of the most naturally beautiful faces, and OMG, the rack! The RACK!

Jason: In detail, will you please describe your ideal man?

Me: My ideal man would be funny, but not stupid-funny. He'd be muscular, but not Arnold-muscular. He'd have longish hair, my favorite color being red. Green eyes would be nice. He'd have to be smart, but not so smart that he's egotistical and vain about it. He would be kind and understanding and not quick to judge. He would do the best he could to understand the real me, the one who hurts because of her shortcomings, but doesn't know how to change them. My ideal man would not want to change me, make me into the image of an "ideal" wife. He would just love me for who I am. My ideal man would look at me often. Just look at me so that he'd truly know my face, every line and dimple, and he'd notice when something has changed, even slightly.

Jason also asked: What is the weirdest, freakiest thing about you?

Me: I have no clue! I'm odd to be sure, but I don't actually think I'm all that weird or freakish. I'm sure Jill will have a completely different take on this question!

Kathy: If you met the Queen of England, what would you say to her? Apart from, "Hello Queen of England."

Me: First of all, why are we capitalizing the word queen? That's not her name, right? Anyway, the foremost thing in my mind would be: "Queenie, are you so enamored of your helmet head of curls that you think sporting the same do for 50 or so years makes you fashionable? And who the hell wears hats these days?"

Raquel: What, if anything, would make you stop blogging?

Me: Aside from serious illness or a nervous breakdown, I can't imagine anything that would make me want to stop blogging!

Picket: Do you kiss your hubby goodnight and tell him you love him each night?

Me: Absolutely not. To be honest with you, I don't think we've kissed since probably 2005 or 2006, and that's no exaggeration. Not even a peck on the cheek. Jimmy generally doesn't even say goodnight to me when he goes to bed.

Dot also asked: Would you spend the night in a haunted house that had been proven to have some dangerous ghost in it?

Me: Anyone who knows me knows I love the ghosties, but I don't think I'd want to stay in a haunted place that had demons. Spirits, yes, demons, no. And that's even if I was cuddled within Steve Gonsalves's arms throughout the night.

Dot also asked: If you were in a store & saw someone drop a $100 bill out of their pocket & there was no one else on the isle...would you pick it up and stick it in your pocket...finders keepers etc...or would you pick it up and take it to the person that dropped it?

Me: This one is super easy for me. If I actually saw who dropped the money I would not hesitate to pick it up and bring it right to them. I know of people who will get the wrong change from a cashier and walk right out of the store with the extra money. I just cannot do something like that. When I kid to you all that I'm brutally honest, that basically goes to most aspects of my life. Now if I had found a hundred dollar bill and did not see who dropped it, I would pick it up and pocket it for sure.

Shelia: If you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

Me: Ellen DeGeneres, I think. I would love to be that naturally funny, and her and I both share a love of animals. She's also totally comfortable in her own skin which is a priceless gift for a woman to have. Plus, she gets to sleep with a hot blonde chick every night. Hubba hubba.

Michael: Who are the celebrities you're allowed to cheat with?

Me: Geez, Jimmy and I haven't had this conversation in a long time! I don't know if he would be in agreement, but I'd triple-team with Jason, Grant, and Steve from Ghost Hunters, and I'd still have some energy left over to make an Orlando/Tiney/Johnny sandwich. Yum yum!

My most sincere apologies to both Gail and Kady. Somehow I missed your questions and didn't answer them! I am so sorry!!!!!

Well guys, this was fun! Sorry it go so long-winded, but you know how I am. I can't answer a question with just one sentence!
Until Next Time, Tiney

Friday, February 13, 2009

Any Burning Questions?

Jill and I had such a good time doing our sister tag-team Q&A post, that we've decided we want to do it again, but this time, with the questions posed to me. We'll do this the same way. You guys ask me a question and I have to answer it completely honestly. Jill will then answer the questions as if she were me and, we'll see just how well she knows me and how I'll answer.

I'll be honest right now and tell you I was quite a bit disappointed with the amount of comments I got on my post with my answers to Jill's questions I had thoughts of choking all of you with the hose from my snausages but ya know, whatever. I won't take it too personally. Damn right I will! I'll never forget it.

Anyhoo, it should be interesting to see if you guys can even think of any questions to ask me. It seems that I've shared just about every aspect of my life with you; from mental disabilities, mental family members, farting, peeing the bed, peeing my pants, wearing the freaky CPAP thingy, and mass leg swelling. So tell me friends, is there anything you don't know about me and are dying for me to tell you?

There are rules this time though. We don't want to go getting carried away Becky! Bridget! There's a limit of up to two questions per person. I can't wait to see how this works out! It's all about me me ME!!!

Until Next Time, Tiney

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Jill's Tell-All Thursday Q&A , Told by Justine

Yesterday, Jill put up a post, asking her blogger buds to ask her questions. Questions about anything, and she would answer them. Truthfully. But I came up with what I think is a brilliant idea. Jill will answer the questions posed to her on her blog, and I will answer the very same questions as if I were Jill. It should be fun to see how well I actually know my sister and to see if she can be as brutally honest as me.

Since this is her gig, please go read Jill's Q&A post first. When you come back here, we'll begin!

Chris: Will you have more children?

Justine as Jill: No way. Two is definitely enough, especially with having two very active, high maintenance kids already! Even if it were financially possible, it would be too hard, considering both Alexa and Gianna have ongoing health issues.

Georgie: What is your favorite post, and why?

Justine as Jill: It's got to be "Brachydactyly-Type D"! It was definitely Jill's funniest post and the things that she came up with were brilliant! Of course, it was a "blog wars" kind of thing; anything that induces embarrassment in Justine is always a laugh. Two close seconds were: "If", which chronicles my flatulent tendencies, and "Depends", Jill's telling of a day of shopping with Mom, a broken neighborhood entrance gate, my mother's inability to keep the gate lifted over her head, and Jill and Mom simultaneously peeing their pants. Good stuff.

Chuck: Would you put a lobster down Justine's pants if you had the opportunity?

Justine as Jill: Well, this is an easy one! Of course she would! But, I think she'd use two. One for the front, one for the back. And of course she would get the whole thing on video for you guys to see.

Jill loves lobster. I wonder if she'd eat them if I removed them from my pants and stuck them in boiling water? Well come on, boiling water does kill cooties, no?

Shelia: Have you ever had a secret crush in the time you've been married?

Justine as Jill: Nope. At least, not on anyone attainable. Denzel Washington doesn't count, right?

Becky (who asks WAY too many questions): If you had $5,000 to spend only on yourself, what would you do with it?
If you had $5,000 to spend on anyone but yourself, what would you do with it?
If you had $5,000 that you cannot spend on yourself or anyone you know, what would you do with it?
One place in the world you'd love to visit?
Was there a time in your life when you and Justine didn't get along at all? Not just an argument, but something long-lasting? Why?

Justine as Jill: Let's see, Jill's not big into clothes or anything like that, so I'd say she'd use the money to go on a spectacular vacation. But Jill is also totally into family time and wouldn't want to go alone, so she'd be treating the whole lot of us.

If she were to spend it on others, she would do something fab for my parents, and something extra special for Alexa and Gianna. Tiney would not even cross her mind.

To spend on someone that she doesn't know? I'd say she'd split the money three ways. To cancer research, to CdLS research, and to the Humane Society.

Italy! Definitely Italy. Gotta look up the familia!

There was a time we truly didn't get along, and I'm very curious to see if Jill is brave enough to tell you. I am! When Jill was about 15 years old she was going through a very rebellious stage. Drinking a lot, hanging with the wrong kind of people, dating losers, etc. At this time, I was living in NY, planning my wedding, but most of my belongings stayed down in FL at my parents' house. I don't know how it happened, but her current boyfriend at the time convinced her that he needed money (for what, I'm still not sure), and they decided to steal all of the beautiful jewelry Jimmy had bought me over the years, and pawn it.
When Jimmy and I came down to FL and found out what she had done, I basically wigged out... went totally ape-shit. I called the cops and had her arrested! To this day, I still can't believe I did that. My own sister, who made one big mistake, and I have her arrested. Right in front of my mom. Although I think paying the price really shook her up and helped her to grow, I will still regret that decision for the rest of my life. I will never forget Jill's face as they put cuffs on her. I will never forget my mom's tears. I got my vindication, but at what price? I only hope God (and Jill) have forgiven me.

It was for this reason that Jill was not my maid of honor in my wedding. Another thing I will always regret. If I knew then what kind of person Jill would grow up to be I would have handled that situation in a vastly different way.

We have never shared this story with anyone, and I'm sure Jill is going to be embarrassed and angry that I shared it now. But it's so very far in the past, and it's just another one of those stepping stones of life that molded her into the fine woman she is today.

Well! This took an unexpectedly serious turn! Let's get back to the questions!

Ginger: If you could have dinner with a famous person, who would it be? What would you talk about?

Justine as Jill: Gene Hackman is Jill's all-time favorite actor, so I'd have to say it'd be him. What would they talk about? Hell if I know! His movies, I suppose?

Michelle: What is your biggest regret? When is the last time you cheated? On what? Best vacation? Biggest indulgence? Boxers, or briefs?

Justine as Jill: Biggest regret would have to be not going to cosmetology school for hair styling. She's got the talent and the personality to be a great stylist, but not the hands-on education. Hey, Mr. Mitchell? If you're reading this, you wanna send a full-paid scholarship to Jill for one of your schools?

Ooh, the cheating. Timid sister is going to say something stupid like the time she cheated on a test in high school or something. This girl cheats, and all the time! If kids eat free under the age of 6 in a restaurant, Alexa is suddenly a couple years younger. When she used to take Mikayla to Disney all the time, kids 3 and under got in free. Mikayla would be 6 years old, Jill would put her in a stroller, put a blanket over her so you couldn't tell how tall she was, then she'd stick a binky in her mouth and tell her to pretend to be asleep. Believe it, or not? It's the God's honest truth! CHEATER!

I don't think Jill has been on a real vacation since becoming an adult. Except for a few years ago when her, Mark and Alexa went to Pennsylvania to visit Mark's parents. They did have a good time on that trip.

Jill's biggest indulgence would probably be enormous TVs. She lives in this tiny little house but has gigantic TVs that you would easily be able to see from across the house, let alone across the room. That, and Rodeo Whip ice cream. Man, she loves that stuff.

Jill doesn't like either boxers or briefs. She prefers those old-fashioned union suits. You know, the one-piece undies guys favored early in the 20th century? Uh huh, they totally turn her on, especially if they're pink. Believe it, or not?

Tabitha in Bliss: What is your greatest fear? What is the sweetest gift you've ever been given?

Justine as Jill: Setting aside the fact that as mothers, it's always our greatest fear that something tragic will befall our children, at this point in Jill's life, I believe her biggest fear is losing our parents.

The sweetest gift she's ever been given? It's got to be the beautiful painting of a rose that Bridget sent her for Christmas. I'm so glad the package was sent to my house so I was able to watch Jill's face as she opened her gift. It meant the world to her.

Bridget, our lovely Gigi: What was your happiest moment in life?
Who would you like to look like, and why?
What's your favorite time of the year?
Who has most influenced your life?
If you could go back in time, where would you go, and when?
If a disaster was to take your home, what, besides your children would you grab?

Justine as Jill:
Happiest personal moments have to be the birth of first Alexa, and then Gianna. Happiest not-as-personal moment would probably be watching me give birth to Mikayla. Jill was there for the entire, horrendous labor, listening to me babble incoherently about my hurting hoo hoo and how I "just couldn't do it". She was there to see Mikayla open her eyes for the first time while still mostly inside my body. I think that day is stamped on her heart forever, and the bond she has with Mikayla is unbelievable.

I think Jill would like to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones, but with the body of Queen Latifa. Us Ferrara chicks are not meant to be bony, and Jill likes her men to be of the chocolate variety. Chocolatey men don't tend to like bony asses either!

Favorite time of year is a cinch. CHRISTMASTIME! Jill gets a bit maniacal during the holiday season. If it lights up, blinks, or is animated, Jill is either going to buy and decorate with it, or at the very least, take a picture of it. I swear, during the month of December, she hits the Disney parks at least 4 or 5 times.

I would say that my parents have shaped Jill into the woman she is today, but both Jill and I were very affected by our paternal grandmother, who passed away when I was 17, and Jill was 11. Lots of great family memories surrounding grandma, usually involving food.

Oh man, Jill in the past? This is hard for even me to imagine. No internet? No electronic gadgets? Nothing that lights up and goes blinky blinky?
Okay, Jill would go back to the late 60s and be a pot-smoking, tie-dye wearing, flower-power hippie. Let's put her smack dab in Woodstock, NY for the fun of it. I can just picture her with her arms thrown wide, spinning in a circle, singing Let the Sun Shine.

If there were a disaster, after grabbing the girls, Jill would definitely go back for her fuzzy children. Mark she'd leave in the house.

Ann: Whose is your favorite blog? It can't be Justine's or anyone else you know personally.

Justine as Jill: Ooh, this is a hard one! Jill loves so many of the blogs she visits, and the people who write them. Lately she talks about Chuck a lot. There's just something sweet and innocent about him that gives Jill a good feeling. I guess her favorite would have to be a tie between Donna and Chris. Whether for blog content, or just because she loves the crap out of these two women, I don't know. But I love them too!

Buffie: If you could be a famous movie star, who would you be?

Justine as Jill: Beyonce. The chick can sing, she can dance, she can act, and she's got a magnificent booty!

Chocolate Covered Daydreams: What's your most embarrassing moment? How did you meet Mark? Any regrets in life?

Justine as Jill: Ooh, Jill has had sooooooooo many embarrassing moments! But, if I had to pick one, it would be the day Jill was painting the backboard of their basketball net, standing up on a ladder. Just as she was introducing herself to her new next door neighbor, the can of white paint that had been on top of the ladder came tumbling down on her head. Uh huh, it's definitely one of those Believe it, or not? kind of things. And it's totally true. I won't go on to tell you that she then got shampoo and took a bath in the kiddie pool in the driveway. Oh wait, I just did. Oops.

Jill met Mark while participating in a Wiccan ceremony in the woods, celebrating the winter solstice. Mark was wearing a long white robe and barefoot. Jill was naked, with a lei of white orchids around her neck. When Mark first entered the clearing Jill was doing the Wiccan Dance of the Winter Moon. It was love at first sight, or so Mark says. I think it was the lure of the pendulous boobies.

Okay, this one wasn't quite true. I just don't remember how they met.

For regrets, see above. Heeheehee.

Jill (Kiki): What do you consider your best talent?

Justine as Jill: Jill will tell you it's hair cutting, but nope, that ain't it. Ooh, she's gonna kill me for this but tough crap. Jill can stick pins through her boob and not feel a thing! For some reason, the side of her boob has no feeling for who knows how many skin layers down, and if she's hanging out with me and the 'rents and gets bored, she'll stick pins through her skin, then come out and show us. I actually have a picture of the last time she did this while her and mom were sewing (well, Mom was sewing, Jill was self-inflicting) but if I posted that here I would be dead meat in less time than you can say, self mutilation! Anyway, she just does it to make my mother laugh. Which she does. Every time. SICK FAMILY!

Our cousin, Chessie: What's your most embarrassing drunk moment? Most embarrassing fart moment?

Justine as Jill: Unfortunately, I can't answer either one of these. I don't think I've ever seen Jill truly drunk (remember, we weren't close during her rebellious years). The few times I've seen her tipsy she's just gotten a bit dumberer than usual, and twists her words three times as much. Jill is not the biggest public farter in the world. She can rip out some mean burps though, but burps just aren't as funny as a toot.

Holy crap, I do believe this novella of questions and answers is done! Thank goodness! I was starting to bore myself!

Until Next Time, Tiney

Monday, February 9, 2009

It Pays to be a Dog's Ho!

I was so excited when I looked through the sidelight on my front door to see a box sitting there, with a very cute mailing label. I knew that my newly acquired reign as one of Crumpet's Strumpets had truly paid off! The roosters were here! Woooooooooooo hooooooooooo!

If, for some reason you do not read Nikki's Blah Blah Blah Blog, like maybe because you live in an alternate universe, you should click here and see how she announced the winners of her 100th post giveaway. It was pure frickin' genius, I promise you. And I'm not even saying that 'cause I was one of the winners either! While you're there, be sure to give Ozzie a good hiney scratching, but Crumpet deserves that, plus a belly rub since he's made me one of his special hos. Have pity on these poor boys. Nikki does unspeakable things to them, such as dresses them up in feminine attire. Then she wonders why they eat her mail.

But anyhoo, let's get to the goodies! I think I may have let out a little Picket girly squeal when I saw my package! Look at how cute the mailing label is!

Whew! Thank goodness she didn't use packing peanuts, 'cause I'd just vacuumed.

And look, she even sent a card! And just to let me know that she now knows how to pronounce my name correctly, she even spelled it phonetically! Now Nikki, you do know that Tiney is not pronounced the same as tiny, right?

She even wrote me a sweet note. I wish I could say that I teared up and felt all veklempt, but this is Nikki we're talking about. I laughed! Okay, honesty here. I laughed and felt all warm and fuzzy. But that could have been because I was hot from vacuuming and was covered in cat hair.

Ooh, what have we got here? It's my cute little rooster lamp (love the fringe on the shade!) and pretty rooster plate! I was so excited that I nearly didn't see the broken light bulb and almost sliced my finger clear off! Okay, slight exaggeration. I just wanna make Nikki feel bad that the bulb didn't make it even with her expert wrapping. But isn't it just my luck? A giveaway prize has to cost me money (the bulb) and caused me to have to re-vacuum so my kids wouldn't get little glass shards in their feet. (The bulb again)

All kidding aside, I love love love my rooster stash and will think of Nikki, Ozzie and Crumpie every time I look at either one! Thanks you boys, and you too Nikki! I wuvs ya!!!

Until Next Time, Tiney

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tiney's What the Hell is THAT? Answers Revealed!

Okay, you guys do disappoint. But, you also cracked me up so I'll forgive you for sucking at some of the guesses.

I have to say there were a couple of people that made laugh so hard I nearly wet myself.

One of Gail's guesses was "your snozzle mask". I guess she was referring to my nasal pillows on the CPAP machine that I so lovingly have dubbed snausages?

Mary had a couple of funny ones too. A bongo ball? (Uh Mary? What the hell is a bongo ball?) Her other one was vibrator? Ya know, I do realize that I get a bit risque here on the Froggy Bloggy, but even I wouldn't post a picture of my vibrator! If I had one. Which I do not!

Now, I think Sara and Jason were having too good of a time making up fake answers to be bothered with actually trying to guess from the pictures. But, these are the two people that made me laugh the hardest. In fact, my daughter hushed me and Jimmy called, "Do you think you could contain yourself in there?"

Sara said:
2-Monet Painting
3- Mini cell bars
4-Millennium Falcon cockpit
5- CSI body chalkline
6-maxi pad


Jason said:
1. The stitching in your bra.

2.Some sort of mildew.

3. Looking at a lighthouse through jail bars.

4. Queludes.

5. Plush Apple beach bath towel

These were SOOOO easy.

6. maxi pad close up

7. light fixture on a porch ceiling

Now I must say, the next time we play I am not publishing any of the comments until the reveal. Why? Because the lot of you are cheaters!!!

Without further ado, here are the answers!





Madison holding her pooter on her knees while doing a Power Point presentation. Did I ever tell you my 7-year-old is a genius? LOL


Sure, you guys guessed patio ceiling, but you didn't guess that it was the reflection from my makeup mirror! And yes, the ceiling is scuzzy and the light fixture filled with dead bugs, but can I get all the way up there? No!

By the way, my cousin, Chessie, is feeling kind of lonely over there on her blog. Could you click on over and give her some comment love? She doesn't post often enough, but when she does, it's might entertaining.

Until Next Time, Tiney

Saturday, February 7, 2009

It's Time To Play Tiney's What the Hell is THAT?

Yep, it's that time again! Time to play that oh so fun game of Tiney's What the Hell is THAT? We haven't done this in a few months and I finally decided to get off my butt yesterday and take some pictures.

You know the rules. Look at the pictures, give them your best guess, and then list your answers in your comment. Whoever comes the closest to getting them all right gets...

... Well, nothing, but it's fun anyway dammit!

Have fun, and make my proud!








Until Next Time, Tiney

Friday, February 6, 2009


Hello, Florida? Tiney here. Although you're known as the Sunshine State--the place Northerners, or Snow Birds, if you will, flock to during the winter months, for some much needed sunshine and warmth, I must tell you that when I awoke a short time ago, I thought perhaps I had woken up in South Dakota. Do you think that maybe, just possibly, you could turn up the heat? Just a tad. Ya know, just enough so that I don't have to bend down and pick up my cracked-off, frozen nipples from the ground?

Just askin'.
Thanks Florida.


Tiney, of the frozen tundra