Monday, October 13, 2008

Aqua Lung

Okay, not really, but that's what I've been calling the new CPAP machine in my head. Strange things go on in there from time to time, as you well know by now. Let me just start by saying that the respiratory therapist that came to my house was a complete doll. We jabbered like a bunch of hens in between lessons on CPAP usage. It's a good thing I liked her, because she has to come back this Thursday. Why? Because the mask I chose, which isn't actually a mask, SUCKS.

They fancifully call it a "nasal pillow", which to me conjures up visions of little puffy clouds resting gently on my nose, puffing little gentle fluffs of air into my passages. NOT! It's more like having two silicone snausages stuck up my nose, blasting air up there like a damn turbine. The straps hold it in such a way that my nose turns into a snout and aches like a bad bruise. I swear, if I use this thing for an extended length of time my nose will permanently be stuck in the snout formation and I'll look like Miss Piggy.

You think I'm kidding? No no bloggers. I shit you not. To prove it, here's a picture of Mikayla wearing the silicone snausages. She's doing her Achmed the Dead Terrorist impression while I'm taking the picture, hence the scary eyeballs.


Now I ask you, does that in any way look like a comfy cloud blowing gentle breezes up thy nose? We'll get to the pictures of me in a minute. Okay okay, I'll be honest. I haven't taken them yet so I'm saving this post for later. Hey, I've been busy, okay? Shit to see, people to do, you know how it is.

Thursday was my first night wearing this contraption and it didn't go well. I can't seem to get the "pillows" to sit properly, so the air is either going straight up to the top of my nose, or down toward my upper lip. I can't tell you how many times I woke up to change the position and try to wiggle the ache out of my schnoz. Nothing worked and by 4:45 a.m. I gave up. Threw the mask across the room that's a lie because the hose wouldn't allow it go that far and got up to have a cup of coffee. Later, when I took my nap I ripped it off after an hour. I couldn't take it anymore!

Friday night went no better, and in fact, worse. I kept it on from 1 a.m. until 3 a.m. when I got up to pee and then couldn't get it to sit right again. CRASH. Threw it onto the nightstand and snored my little heart out the rest of the night. And did I mention you cannot open your mouth when this thing is on? Well, you can, but when you do a stream of air comes shooting out of the throat in an odd way. Think of a dragon blowing fire out of its mouth instead of its nostrils and you'll have the right idea. It's the weirdest frickin' feeling and not the least bit pleasant. Now some who wear a CPAP may not agree, but my setting is very high... at a 9, whereas I think most people have an air flow pressure of 5 or 6.

I'm probably going to try it again tonight, but I know it won't be a success. At least the mask I wore at the sleep clinic stayed in place, I didn't have to jiggle it around at all and it didn't squash my cute little nose. It's larger and more cumbersome, but I think I could get used to that. Remember that mask? This is what it looked like.

... The next day...

Well, I tried again last night, and once again it was a big fat bust. I managed to keep it on for a few hours before I carelessly flung it away from me. My nose! My nose! It was aching like a bitch! But I did promise y'all some pics of me wearing this damn thing, didn't I? So, this morning before I went back to sleep for my nap, I shot a couple pics of myself. Now you may be wondering why the hell I'm wearing sunglasses. Have you ever seen me in the morning? My eyes are bloodshot and so puffy it looks like I'm toting decorative pillows under my eyes. So, the glasses were to kind of spare you from an overwhelming fright. Hell, they're bad enough as it is, aren't they? And I just had to cock (heeheehee.... that word just makes me giggle) my head like that so I'd look like I have 5 rolls in my neck!

And just to gross you out a little more, I got the camera a little bit closer.

I look a bit like Hannibal Lechter, don't I? Imagine having to wake up and turn over to face that! And do you see now what I'm talking about? Look at how it's squishing my nose! And squishing it crookedly too! I hate this thing and the respiratory therapist it rode in on. Yes, I said I liked her at the beginning of this post but how can you love someone who brings you such a torture device and tells you you're going to "feel soooooooo much better", then feel worse than ever? CPAP BLOWS! Both literally and figuratively!

32 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Anonymous

    Justine, Justine, why did I have a premonition about your mask. Told you my daughter won't wear hers either. She can't move her neck, because of stress, smokes like a steam engine and doesn't sleep at night. UUMMMM, wonder what's in her future? I hope for your sake you will keep after them until they get it right, so you can get a decent nights sleep.


    Thanks for stopping by on my saucy afternoon. :)

    Love that your blog is froggy!!! And that you have cute froggy pics! CUTE!

    Man oh man that mask thing... my cousin used to have to do something similar as a child...

    will be reading more...

  • santamaker

    Awww, girl. Sorry that the mask is such a PITA ! I was hoping as we all were that it would bring you much needed rest and oxygen. I wonder if you could wear a smaller one that doesn't bruise your little nose!
    Surely, they'll get it right! Hang in there!

  • Anonymous

    I hate it when his snausage gets stuck up my nose...

  • Rachelle

    Oh, you poor thing! I sure couldn't sleep with that thing poking up my nose either. Hope they bring you a new one soon ~ something more comfortable to snooze in. In the meantime ~ hang in there! Love the pictures!

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Yikes! I can't believe they thought it was okay that this thing is like violating your nose! It can't be right that its so intrusive that its squishing your nose up like that...holey moley!

    Hope they come back and get it right!


  • SchmeckyGirl

    OMG Justine that entire blog post was so funny the way you told it. And I love the pics. I especially liked what you wrote and crossed out. Cracked me up.

  • Ma'dame French

    Oh Justine thank goodness it's only the nasal and NOT the full face mask trust me that's alot worse and only you could pull this off and still look cute! Achmed~~~too funny;) French

  • squawmama

    OK girlfriend you need to wear it... You have children to raise, a husband to NAG and friends to entertain with your BLOGS...My DH says if it is hurting your nose... it’s on to tight,,, he says there is a delicate place between too loose and to tight... keep working on it... his air is set at 11 so he's got you there sweetie... he hated his at first but became accustom to it... I thought that he was going to give up too but I threghten his life... He wants to know does your machine have water in it??? They will keep working with you till you find something you like but he has had them all and uses what you are using...He still complains about it from time to time but I am telling you he has a ton more energy with using it... and I get to sleep better too...

    Love & Hugs,

  • Rhea

    Oh, man, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your mask (aka snausages). I'm sorry that your pain brings me laughter. I really am.

  • Justine

    Yes Donna, it does have the water humidifier in it, which I'm guessing is a good thing. I've tried making it looser, but if I make it any looser than this, it just slides off my nose. I'll let you know how I like the larger mask thingy. Everyone is different with these things. Wow, 11, eh? That's pretty damn high! What was his number when he had the study done? Was it higher than mine at 101 per hour?

    Justine :o )

  • Shelia

    Poor poor Justiney!! That thing looks so uncomfortable. Don't they make them in a different style that won't kill you? This most certainly is the wrong kind of mask. I'd stomp on it, too!! Hope things get better. I can tell you're not a happy girl!!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Insane Mama

    Oh geez, that sucks! Hope you don't have to use it for too long

  • squawmama

    I am thinking it was around 163 per hour... He said those pillows come in different sizes too... I think I would prefer the full mask too... easier... if I had something up my nose I would think it was a BIG bugger and keep trying to pick it out all night long...he said when he had the full mask it kept whistling Gone with the Wind all night...LOL LOL He also said to tell you it doesn't SUCK it BLOWS LOL.. The water humidifier is a good thing... otherwise you nose gets dried out and you sneeze all day long...


  • nikkicrumpet

    Well Crap....your nose is mushed in like you got socked my Mike is a girl supposed to sleep with a mooshie nose. I can see why it hurts! I sure hope they get that thing figured out...there has to be a better way doesn't there? I'm cracking up about the lying name...nose pillow? Hmmmm if my pillow did that to my head I'd be sleeping on a rock instead! Hang in there...maybe the therapist lady will come up with a solution.
    And no...I don't have a laptop...hell I don't even have a cat lol...I stole that picture of the internet because I didn't have a dang thing to post!

  • Anonymous

    yes that photo of you is way too scary for me when I open up my laptop at 6am! Next time could you post a warning first?

    Even Mikayla looks scary!

    Well that's Halloween outfits sorted!

  • Penny

    Oh shoot, that looks like a bitch. A friend of mine (Peter, who you've met on my blog) was supposed to wear this, but he had that little hanging jiggly thing in the back of his throat taken out instead. I think that was what was taken out. Anyway, he doesn't have to wear the mask now. Does that sound at all like an option you could do?

    Hugs, P

  • justjill76

    Mikayla looks like Hannibal!!!! Too funny! You look like the Fonz who is about to go on a killing spree.

  • Holy Crappers

    My hub has the full mask. As I tripped over it last night I asked him if he was ever going to use it.
    His answer.....I'm giving it 1 more try.


  • Naz

    The mask is obviously a very poor fit. No wonder you couldn't stand it. Don't give up on it though, my sister-in-law ended up with heart problems because of the lack of oxygen by not using her crap machine.

  • Buffie

    Bummer, I couldn't see the photos! I'll try again in a little bit!

  • Buffie

    ROFL!!!! It was worth it to come back for the photos!! AHHH!!!! But you have to try it for longer Tiney!! It's gonna make a big difference, promise!
    Buffie : )

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    Tiney sometimes I feel some things are not as technolgically advanced as they should be, it might help to speak to other users, and see how they kept at it and the difference it made in their lives.

    Funny as heck though, your and Mikayla's pics! I swear your daughter is a riot!

  • onlymehere

    Be brave my little buckaroo, you'll eventually get used to it. I have a friend who's husband wouldn't wear his after the first night but her dad kept at it with his and after about a week or so he was sleeping really great so it drives her crazy her husband won't even try his again.

  • Heather

    I've heard it takes a while to find the right one. Hang in there!!

  • artis1111

    A lot of peoplr are having to wera them. You do look silly!!! Kathy

  • Anonymous

    Once again, why must you mess with my love for Will Ferrell? A girl can dream can't she? Must you crush my dreams??

    P.S. How'd you sleep last night? Had any snausages lately?

  • Bella Casa

    My husband wears one of those...I love the sound it makes, puts me right to sleep. So it was a win/win for us. He does look pretty scary though...and because of the mask, he was never allowed to check on our little guy when he was still a baby/toddler and crying at convenient for him, lol.

    I love the title, "Aqua Lung", I grew up with that mom had so many albums and I would jam out on them, lol.

    I hope you get the mask working, it has been the best thing for my dh.

    Bella :)

  • Anonymous

    Justine.... come on over... I will cook up a storm for you... then we can sit back and make the girls clean up... so that we can blog... (LOL)


    PS your mask is HOT....

  • Susan (Moonlight and Magnolias on RMS)

    Hang in their girl...I know there has to be a better mask than that thing! You can't sleep in something that causes make 'em get it right! Love ya,

  • Dazzlemama

    Wow Justine - that is quite a contraption. Hope it becomes easier for you to wear over time - looks like a challenge, but I hope you stick with it to see if it will help eventually!

  • NurseChessie

    I know I'm a bit late with the post here.. but I think you look a little like tom cruise in top gun.... HOT BABY! REAL HOT! lol.