Don't You Wish You Could Probe My Canal?

I'm often told by others that I'm a bit of a whack job. A bit odd. A bit quirky-dirky. So it shouldn't come as any surprise that I tend to attract insane people to me like a magnet.

Recently, I mentioned my friend Ethel, who lives across the street. Remember? She was having major surgery a couple months ago?

Well, the week prior to her surgery her and I were standing out on her driveway, flapping our gums as we're wont to do.

It was an hour or so later that Ethel IM'd me on Facebook. It went something like this:

Ethel: "Check your right ear. I thought I saw some dirt or something in the curve."

Me: "Huh? I just cleaned my ears this morning." *Sticks finger in ear and all around curves*

Me: "I don't feel anything there, Ethel. Where exactly?"

Ethel: "In the curve under the first curve."

Me: *crickets*

Ethel: "Do you want me to come over there and look for you?"

Me: "No! I do not want you looking in my ear!" (Madison, get me a q-tip!)

Ethel: "Really, I'll just come over and take a look. I've got all kinds of ear cleaning implements I could bring."

Me: *crickets* "Erm... okay?"

Now keep in mind that Ethel is an R.N. and she thrives on any kind of gore or nasty medical stuff. Her hubby, Fred, is a surgical assistant and enjoys the same.

Within minutes Ethel was standing in my kitchen with a handful of scary looking stuff, including some very potent 91% rubbing alcohol. Oh, and her 14-year-old son came along too. Armed with his camera. I should probably mention that he wants to become a doctor so is also into the disgusting medical stuff. Ugh.

So I turned my ear over to Ethel and her torture devices (gives new meaning to the saying, "lend me your ear.") while both her son and Mikayla videoed and took still shots of the humiliating procedure. And really, you know that anything humiliating, even to myself, has to be shared with all of you. Even though I hadn't done my hair that day, or put on a speck of makeup. Even though I was wearing a mens' tank top and did in fact look like a man. I'm still sharing, 'cause I'm wacky like that.

Ethel immediately spotted what she thought she'd seen earlier in my driveway... errrr... my ear, but then got totally distracted by minuscule little blackheads. They'd been there for years and Jill had mentioned them over and over again, but what was I supposed to do with them? You can't easily squeeze the inside of your damn ear! Little did I know that there's this neat little device made especially for popping those hard to reach pimples. Pooba, you may want to think about purchasing one of these for the next time you get an elbow pimple.




So Ethel went to town on me and I have to say, she was enjoying herself just a wee bit too much.

Obviously, I, was not.




Yeah, she got my left ear too. I was so sad to be experiencing all of this without Jill present that I decided to call her during the "procedure".


Do I look thrilled, or what?

Anyway, that thing Ethel thought she saw in my ear turns out to be some kind of cyst. Her and Fred say it looks like a sebaceous cyst so I'll have it checked out by my doctor the next time I see her.

Oh yeah, Fred was called to come over and look at it too! Oh, the joy!

Ethel, pointing out to Fred the bump in my ear canal. By this point my spirit was broken, I was now nothing more than a medical phenomena to be poked and prodded.

I must just endure...




Hey, at least my eyebrows looked good, right?




I'll warn you now, this next picture is of the "bump" as I'm calling it. Not the clearest picture but you can definitely see why Ethel noticed it, even if it is halfway down my friggin' ear canal.





But here's the fun part, peeps! I told you Mikayla was taking video with my camera, and I'm willing to share it with you, even though I look like a man. This should especially be appreciated by Ginger because she recently asked me if I have an accent. Growing up on Long Island, of course I do, but it's much milder than you'd hear from recent NY transplants.

Keep in mind that Mikayla's video skills suck and Strudel did not stop barking the entire time. So here you go... my final humiliation.




If this doesn't prove my love for you, nothing will.



Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!