Sunday, June 29, 2008

Things I Despise, Bitch Session #1

It seems like every day I find something new that I can't stand, or something old I can't stand and just usually don't think about anymore. And I figured hey, I haven't yet used my blog as a bitch session, so why not start now?

1) First thing on my mind is the flat-topped stove. Now I know a lot of you have them and love them for their easy cleaning and sleek look, but I cannot stand the things. When we first moved into our house in Tampa I begged Jimmy to let us upgrade to the smooth top and he gave in and I soon regretted it. Yes, they are very easy to clean but dammit, when I'm done cooking something and I want the heat off, I want it off NOW, not 20 minutes from now. I don't want to have to remove the pan from the burner and find somewhere else to put it. My dream for the next house is a nice gas stove with an electric oven. There's just nothing finer than FIRE to heat your food. Ask a caveman, he'll tell you it's so.





2) I cannot stand to be asked "when I'm due". Look you morons out there, I'm FAT, not pregnant! Do you not see that the fat is spread out pretty evenly throughout my body? Is my ass not the size of Texas? Am I carrying a baby in my buttocks? No, it's just FAT! I'll admit, for a thick chick I've got some really nice calves. If you look at me from the knee down you'd probably never know that a fat woman exists from there up. But, since I can only assume that people I happen to meet in stores are looking above my knee, what is their excuse? The Ha-Ha part of this scenario comes when I bluntly say, "I'm not pregnant, just fat." and watch the mortification come over their tomato red faces.

Pyzam Glitter Text Maker



3) Silence. Simple as that. I can't take it!!!!!!!!!! It can never be truly silent around me or my head feels wonky, I hear ringing in my ears and everything seems surreal. Take for example that overwhelming feeling of absolute quiet just after the power goes out. Sure, within a few seconds you hear plenty of stuff around you; birds tweeting, bugs chattering, etc. But in that first millisecond when the electricity has cut out, it's almost like being deaf.
The worst for me is trying to sleep in a totally quiet room. Nope, can't do it. When staying at a hotel I always sleep lousy unless there's a loud vent fan in the bathroom I can turn on. So how do I deal with this on a daily basis? I keep a big, loud (ugly) fan in my bedroom, and keep it on high when it's time to sleep. High velocity fans are the best for this. A bomb could go off outside the door and you wouldn't be able to hear it. I don't care if it's -20 F and Jimmy is dressed like an Eskimo to keep warm. That fan is ALWAYS on at night.

4) When a person types EVERYTHING IN CAPS. Look, I've been online since 1993, and one of the first things I learned is that writing in caps means you're screaming.Okay, many of us also write in caps when we are trying to express extreme feelings. I'm okay with that. I do it myself. But do not send me an entire email all in capitals unless you want me to stab you in your sleep. Okay, I wouldn't really do that. I also totally hate murder.






5) Ewww, another thing I can't stand are those really strong, perfumey air fresheners that people keep on the back of their toilet for those stinky situations. Do these things actually remove the poopy odor? No, they do not. They just make a nice mix of flowers and poop for your nasal pleasure. It's like trying to mask the smell of a fart by suddenly opening a window. Sorry! Too late! Already smelled it and a little fresh air isn't going to erase that smell from sensory memory. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd much rather walk into a bathroom that smells like poopy than walk into a bathroom that smells like citrus poopy.

This is only part one of things I despise. Jill tells me I hate a lot of things, so I'm sure I'll come up with many more over the coming months to share with you. Don't get too excited now. It takes time to think of things I truly despise. You'll just have to wait with bated breath until I post Bitch Session #2. Heeheehee!

Until next time, Justine

27 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • French

    Ok so I hate people that type in all caps too! and fresh flowers over crap doesn't work ask me I work cleaning shit all the time! Funny I get so tired of people saying oh your so lucky you are thin! I had a tumor removed that caused me to lose way too much weight, I was closer to death's door then I wanted to be! All is good now, and after 5 years I have finally put back some of the weight on! Now I just have to start working out again (ugh) one of these days my treadmill will get used! oh and by the way I believe Kate Hudson is absolutely gorgeous! French;)

  • French

    Ok so I must have been typing here while you were typing over at mine (lol) Anyway tomorrow is part 2 and your movie is already in the lineup;) French

  • Buffie

    LMAO!!! French said shit!! haha!
    I have to agree with the air freshener too, does NOT help in a stinky situation!
    And absolutley cannot sleep without a fan either, on high! In fact not only do I have the ceiling fan on but I have another stand up fan blowing on me too!

  • Lisa

    GIRL!! Oops, I mean..... Girl!!! We are so close on these things it was like I was reading my own mind.

    I hate electric stoves. Back in MI I had a GE Spectra gas range and electric oven. When we moved to FL and I had to start using an electric stove, well, it sucked all the parts of me that enjoyed cooking right out. They take forever to heat up and take forever to cool off. Then I have to remember to get a hot pad before I pick the pot off the stove. How stupid is that??? Crap stuck to the pots, things burned to the bottom, and in the time it took to heat up water to boiling I could clean the kitchen. And why would I want to do that?

    I am so looking forward to part 2 :)

  • SchmeckyGirl

    LOL! I love how you just say No, I'm fat. I'd be mortified if someone said that to me. I never ask about someone being pregnant unless I know for sure.

    I love my electric stovetop. I hated it until I got used to it. I grew up with gas in NY but no one our here has gas. Maybe propane.

    I agree about the burners staying hot but I'd rather have that than to clean all the nooks and crannies on the gas one. I remember when the gas ones used to be open and you had to lift the top to get in and really clean it. I do not miss that!!!

  • Penny

    Yeah Buffie, French said a bad word. LOL!!

    The baby thing has happened to me too! ugh!

    The best poop smell masker in the world is a lit match.

  • French

    Too funny! Ok so here it is I curse and I curse ALOT! It's a Canadian thing we throw the F*** word around ALOT! Of course I choose who I say it around because most people find it "offensive" especially here in the South! But not to worry I could sound like a sailor if I needed to! HA! French;)

  • Justine

    Well French, now my whole illusion of you as a priss is shattered! LOL! Nah, never thought you were a priss, but it's funny to hear you curse like a sailor because I've always been known for it myself. I blame it on being raised in a very loud, NY Italian family.

    Justine :o )

  • Penny

    My New Year Resolution two years in a row was to quit cursing. Obviously the 2nd yr was because I failed the 1st yr. I can speak from experience this isn't an easy resolution. The f word is just irreplaceble. I tried fudge, I tried duck, nothing worked. F*ck it. LOL

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    PLEASE MAKE ME A SANDWICH ON YOUR F****ING FLAT TOP STOVE! AND BTW? JUSTINE ARE YOU PREGNANT?? AND OOOH IT STINKS IN HERE!! WAIT! LET ME GET MY ROSES IN A CAN SPRAY! AAAH THAT'S BETTER! ANOTHER THING, WHY IS IT SO LOUD IN HERE!!

    (justine's gonna love this!!)

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    And now the comment you can post if you choose to delete the one above! And this is true! just yesterday i was asked the 'pregnant question' i gain weight only around my tummy and nowhere else! It's really stressful!

    Hubby says i have the peanut in a straw effect! LOL!!!

  • Bridget

    Hey Girl, Sorry to be such a late arrival here! I agree with your points EXCEPT FOR THE SILENCE ISSUE, I LOVE SILENCE! I long for it. Silence is how I recharge. How do you like those caps? LOL
    Anyone with half a brain should not ask someone if they are pregnant unless their belly looks like a watermelon. I never go there! If it is at all questionable, just don't ask.

  • Bridget

    Raxx, that is so funny! I'll bring my spray too. We can sit in total silence and drive Justine up the wall.
    I have the weight gain in the middle too (thanks Mom!) I'm getting too old for that question though.

  • Justine

    I already went to Raquel's page and bitch slapped her for her comment. heeheehee!

    And my upper tummy does look like a watermelon. Bottom part is all saggy and flopped over, top part is hard and distended. Look like I've swallowed a damn beach ball.

  • Elizabeth

    Again, more things we have in common! I, too run a fan to sleep, and in the winter I run a fountain. I've found the fountain to be cleaner than a humidifier and easier to take care of. It's also smaller and prettier.

    I agree about the air freshener, waste of time; and I hate the all-caps. I think the people who use them might still be in the 80s as far as typing in all caps. Isn't that what we had to do then?

  • SchmeckyGirl

    They weren't capris... they were skimmers!

  • Penny

    I'M LAUGHING SO HARD I ABOUT PEED! RAQUEL AND JUSTINE ARE CRAZY.

  • Justine

    Dat right, Penny. Me and Raquel are Caribbean sista friends. Yeah mon!

    Justine :o )

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    I really miss my gas stove at my old house. It's all electric here and I really loved cooking with gas...well when I cooked. I really hate cooking in general.

    As a big woman with a big belly like yours, soft and floppy on the bottom and hard on the top (looks like I have two guts), I have been asked the pregnant question. I've done the same as you and told them I was just fat, and the look on their faces is just priceless. They look like they want to crawl into a hole. And they deserve it, ha!

    I'm the opposite of you on noise though. Constant noise messes me up. I need silence and quiet to relax and get my equilibrium. I have to have it quiet when I sleep too.

    Justine's post made me laugh so hard I nearly peed. That's what happens after you have birthed three babies the natural way.

    Kady

  • Penny

    I'm in between you 2 sista's right now. Check your location spy thingy. I just noticed that when I travel it tells on me! LOL

  • Tootsie

    you kill me! I laughed my butt off! ha ha....when I was new to the online chatting...I used to use all caps quite a bit. I had no idea that it meant I was yelling...I was just being lazy and not wanting to use punctuation...I still get lazy, but I now just don't capitalize when I should! lol do you hate that too? shoot...better go before "tootsie" ends up on your list of pet peeves!

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    Excuse me Miss Justine!! I am not Jamaican! I will give you some 'trini' slangs in due course!!

    But we definitely dont say 'mon', love Jamaicans though!!

  • Tismee2

    I had a flat hob (as we call them) in my old house and hated it too.

    I love peace & quiet and do have an air freshner in my toilet but it is completely dried out and has a tri layer of dust covering it. (Must do something with it)

    So when in St.A all I have to do to find you is listen out for a house that is rattling with noise?

    I love your quote "never kick a turd on a warm day".

  • French

    Oh Raquel you cracked me up! And Justine I am so not a "priss" but I play one well;) lol French

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    I showed my (19 year old) son the picture of the poop and toilet paper against the big red heart and he started laughing his ass off.

    Now he's yelling, "I love you Poop!" and I'm answering back with "I love you too toilet paper!" We are so 12 years old tonight.

    He said that with no cable TV, we need this kind of amusement.

    Kady

  • Kathy

    Oh Justine, I am so sorry I missed this post, you all had such a laugh, French swearing and blaming it on Canada, I always blame England the "F" word is rife over there, just listen to Gordon Ramsay!!.

    This really UGLY lady called me pregnant on vacation one year, my daughter was four years old!. It's OKAY I drowned her so she could never do THAT to anyone again.

    I see I will have to watch my P's and CAPS when I visit here, I am gonna add your blog to my list so I can pop over any time, I am really enjoying it so far. off to the next post.... off to the next post....
    I did not mention the smelly poo thing as I have an air freshener in there. haha. Ciao for now, Kathy.

  • Primgal55

    Hey Just! Good to read we hate some of the same things - specially the fake smelly stuff! I too have great legs from the calves down. I lookk preggars too but so far no one asks me when I am due. The grey in my hair must throw them off a bit! LOL You make me laugh!! Love your blog!
    hugs, Linda aka Primgal55