Have you ever been in one of those situations where you start laughing, and just cannot stop? You could be in the most inappropriate place but once the giggle monster has a hold of you nothing else exists but the unstoppable Hee Hees and Hoo Hoos that erupt from the deepest part of your soul. You may find yourself unable to breathe, hunched over, holding your belly and looking for something to sit on before you collapse from acute laughter. You might also find that bladder control has suddenly become an issue for you.
Now if all of this happens to you while you're alone, I suggest you get some help of the psychiatric variety. If, on the other hand, it happens when you're say, with your best friend who also happens to be your sister, then you're all clear from the loony bin. Well, that's what *I* think, although my sister and best friend, Jill, would beg to differ with you. You see, these acute and sometimes nearly fatal laughing attacks always seem to happen when we're together, and the weird part of it is, is that Jill is not exactly funny. I don't mean that as an insult, just a truthful observation. She's not the most witty person in the world and she can't tell a joke to save her life. What she IS, is a complete travesty to the English language, which has caused no small amount of laugh attacks in the past. Not only does she mangle the simplest of words or terms, but she does so not realizing what she's said. This, of course, just makes it that much more funny for me. The other very laughable thing about my little sis is that she is soooooooooo easily embarrassed, and I am sooooooooooooooo NOT easily embarrassed. So of course I take it upon myself to make her life a living hell of humiliation whenever we are out in public. There's nothing I like better, and nothing I do quite so well as this. There have been times when we've been shopping that she has literally fled to another part of the store just to get away from me. But I always find her...
Picture this. Wal-Mart, Saturday night. The store is packed and we're there alone with just baby Gianna. I don't know why it came to me, but suddenly I decided it'd be a real trip to pretend that Jill was my lesbian girlfriend instead of my sister, and be nice and loud about it. So there she is in the meat aisle and I look over to her and suddenly shout out, "Jill, I love you so much! I just had to say it out loud!" Oh, poor thing looks at me, turns red, and flees! But despite my size, I'm a quick little sucker when I want to be, and I caught right up to her, flung my arm around her shoulder, batted my eyelashes and said, "Oh Jill, all I want to do is go home and cuddle with you and the kitties." There were quite a few blue-hairs in the aisle and I'm sure that made them cringe. Hey, I never did say I was loaded with class. Anyway, Jill ran away to produce and I figured I'd better let her off the hook. At least until we got to the checkout. I really don't remember what all was said once we got there, but I do remember Jill turning all kinds of red and me just laughing my ass off at her.
Of course, now that I'm sitting down to blog about this, I can't remember even one of the funny things that Jill has said lately, or any of what I call her "Jillisms". Isn't that the way it always works? You've got tons of things you want to write about but then the time comes and POOF, they're gone from your head. Well, maybe this doesn't happen to everyone, but it's a usual occurrence for me. The only thing that comes to mind at the moment happened years ago while we were playing Scrabble. Now you've got to understand, I'm a bit of a "wordy"... I just love learning and retaining new words, so playing Scrabble can be intense for me. I will sit there for minutes on end trying to get the highest score possible on each and every turn. But not Jill. She's queen of 3-letter words. But her most memorable was when she put down Y...... O..... T. YOT. She looked so proud of herself, being that a Y is worth 4 points, but, ahem... what the hell is a YOT? She gives me that "what are you, stupid?" look, while looking puzzled at the same time. Yes, it has dawned on her that she has screwed up yet again. She said, "It's one of those big boats people own when they're rich!" I scream, "You mean a Y..... A..... C..... H..... T????????????? You idiot! It's YACHT!!!!!!!!!!! Not YOT!!!!!!!!!!!!" Well, if only someone could have been there with a camcorder at that moment. We both just lost it and went into a fit of giggles worthy of a Depends moment.
Another time that the laughter got the best of us was when we were out shopping, us and the four kids. We were just driving around, nothing funny going on, until... I let one rip. Yes, I farted. I can admit that here, for all in blogland to read. I broke wind, I passed gas, I tooted, pooted, cut the cheese. Whatever term you prefer to use, I did it. That in itself isn't all that funny. What is funny is how I did it. I farted with GUSTO. One of those that makes you wonder if you've just blown a hole through the seat you're on. This time it wasn't just Jill and I laughing, but also the three older kids. I don't know how I kept driving because it got to that point where I couldn't breathe except to let out those funny hoo hoo hee hees. And yes, I do believe I also wet my pants.
I feel like I'm constantly saying "only you, Jill, only you." because the oddest things seem to happen to her. A few weeks ago she was driving home with her window open, and a branch fell off a tree, flew into her window and stuck her in the ear. A couple of years ago a rat came up through her toilet and then they couldn't find it until the next day. Imagine going to bed that night knowing there was a huge rodent wandering the halls. Ewwwwwwww! Another great occurrence was when she was up on a ladder, painting the backboard of their basketball hoop. A new neighbor had just moved in next door, and seeing Jill outside, decided to pop out and introduce herself. Just as Jill was saying, "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is..." The paint can on the top shelf of the ladder came down on her head! Paint covered her from head to toe and she just stood there stunned, completely embarrassed while her new neighbor laughed her fanny off. Of course, Jill being the lunatic she is, didn't go inside and take a shower. Oh no, that would be too sane for her. Instead, she hopped in the kiddie pool with the hose and took a bath right there on the driveway!
This is just a sample of the stories I have about me and my sister. Be assured that as new ones occur I will be blogging about them. Jill has always said I should keep a notebook of all her Jillisms. Well, now I'll just keep a blog about them!
Until next time, Justine :o )
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