More Things Jill Won’t Tell You

Now I know you’re all aware of just how much I love and adore my sister, Jill, right?  But by now you also know that I often refer to her as “stupid”, “goofy” and “brain dead”.  All said out of complete, unconditional love, of course.

I realize that a lot of these “Jillisms”, as I like to refer to them, are more of a had to be there kind of thing, but it would go against my nature not to share them with the world.  If Jill can unintentionally cause me to piddle in my panties,wouldn’t it be sad not to give her Jilly Sillies at least an honorable mention? 

One day last month, Jill was driving Wayne (the disabled man she lives with and cares for) to a doctor appointment.  As usual, she was on the phone with me, because her phone is basically surgically implanted to her outer ear.    Anyway, Jill says, “Okay, I’d better go, ‘cause we’re here.”  Almost immediately after that she starts laughing like a loon.  “Okay Jill, what did you do now???  And Jill says, “I’m not at Wayne’s doctor’s office!  I took him to the vet by accident!

Wayne finally realizes, “So THAT’s why she’s got me in a cage!  I knew I wasn’t going to have my sinuses checked!”

 

 

Another time Jill and I were discussing something she was planning to buy, and I guess she felt the need to justify the expenditure.  She said, “It’s not like I do a lot of fribilous spending.”  Now believe it or not, this is not the first time Jill has used this word in place of frivolous.  It seems that the older she gets, the more she’s taking on my Dad’s talent of making up his own words in place of the ones you’d normally find in the dictionary.  Either he flat-out makes up a word, or he will completely butcher certain well-known names and phrases.

Ruby Tuesday’s is often referred to as “Sunday Monday’s”, or “Steak and Shake” is “Shake and Bake”.  A DVD is a “circle” and  a dust buster is a “fuzz buster”.

I won’t even go into what it’s like when my dad wants to tell you about a good movie he’s recently seen but can neither remember the name of the movie, nor the actors in it.  It’d go something like this:

Have you seen that great action picture?  The one with… what’s her name?  She was in that other movie with… that guy from…he was an FBI agent.  Or a baker… I can’t remember which.  Uh… You know who I’m talking about, right?  She’s got blonde hair!

But I digress.  This post is about Jill.

A couple of weeks ago Alexa was begging Jill to draw her a picture.  Jill didn’t do it good enough, so Alexa told her to do it again.  Jill’s response?  “I’m not Leonard DiCaprio ya know!”  Okay, this is so wrong in its simple form, but she was even stupid enough to call him Leonard instead of Leonardo.

 

Leonardo, who played the part of an artist in a movie.

 

 

 

 

 

Leonardo Da Vinci, who was in fact, a REAL artist.

 

 

 

 

 

Who was famous for painting this ugly, eyebrow-less face.

 

 

 

 

 

When Jill was here a few weeks ago to pick out my puppy with me, we were spending some time out here in the screened-in patio and Poopy Pants wanted to go out on the grass.  Jill let her out but didn’t close the screen door.  I said, “Jill, close the door or my cats might get out.”  She said, “Don’t worry, Miss Kitty will close it.”

Well now, that’s interesting for two reasons.  One is that Miss Kitty is her cat and was at her house and, the other is that Miss Kitty does not know how to close doors.  So where did this come from?

 

 

Miss Kitty thinks Mom is an idiot.

 

 

 

That same afternoon I noticed that my tweezers were on the ground and Jill was stepping on it.  I said, “Jill, do you realize you’re stepping on my tweezers?”

She just looked at me and let out an enormous burp.  Disgusting.

 You remember about a week ago when Jill, the girls, and Mom came to visit so Jill could pick out her puppy?  Well afterwards we went out to eat at this wing place.  The whole dinner was a basic disaster, which is the case nearly every time I go out to dinner with family.  It’s like we walk in the restaurant and the cooks sense it and suddenly forget their craft.

But anyway, we were looking over the menu.  Jill asks me what I’m getting.

“The angus burger, I think.”

Jill:  “Gross!  How can you eat buffalo?”

Me:  “Huh?  What the hell are you talking about?”

Jill:  “Isn’t angus buffalo?  I know it’s buffalo.”

Me:  “Jill, you friggin’ moron, angus is a type of cow, not a damn buffalo!  Cows, cute and furry.  Buffalo, huge and ugly.

 

 

 

Cute black angus cow.

 

 

 

 

 

Ugly buffalo, possibly eating cute black angus cow.

 

 

Now you tell me.  Is it any wonder why I constantly make fun of her?  What would you do if she were your sister?

In any case, stick around, because there’s always something more to tell!

 

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!