I hadn't seen Jill and the girls in a couple of months, and honestly? I was jonesing for some Jilly. I figured when she got here we would let the girls roast some hot dogs on the new fire pit and just sit around and talk. I should have known better. When Jill and I are together we both seem to get this itch to shop, whether we have the money or not, or whether we even need anything from the store.
We drove 20 miles or so to hit Hobby Lobby, then wound up tracking back about 10 miles to eat at Applebee's. It was here that my torture began. Once again, Jill was a pain in the ass patron, constantly asking for this or that from our waiter and just generally embarrassing me. She got up to take Poopy Pants to the bathroom, but instead the two of them walked into the kitchen. I guess the swinging doors with a view of the kitchen beyond wasn't much of a clue for Jill. Oh, and those waiters and waitresses coming in and out? They all had to go potty simultaneously. Can't blame this one on Gianna since she's only 3, right?
So finally things settle down and we're eating happily when Gianna lets out this ginormous burp. Jill looked at her, looked at me and burst out laughing, spraying a fine sheen of spit over my entire face. We didn't notice until 10 minutes later or so that she had also spit little pieces of rice in my hair. Mmm... delish!
Did I mention neither of us wore makeup for this outing? Jill was pissed when I snapped this.
So pissed that when I refused to delete it from my camera she took the underside of my arm and pinched it so hard I saw little blue birds flying 'round my head. I hauled off and slapped her arm, all the while yelling, "You hurt me! I think I'm bleeding! I think you pinched off a chunk of skin! But because I had slapped her, she said, "I'm having them call the police. What you just did was battery!
Mikayla just looked at us from across the table and shook her head.
When we got home Jill had to go upstairs and help Mikayla finish unpacking and organizing her room. I say had to because Jimmy told her if she didn't, she wouldn't be able to come with us on our special mission on Saturday. Aunt and niece work so well together. Within 45 minutes they had what was previously a disaster looking nice and tidy.
Later that night, Jill was on my laptop, which she hates. She calls it my dinosaur. Whatever, it works for me.
Jill: Justine, why is your computer making farting noises?
Me: I don't hear a thing, Jill.
Jill: Listen! It just did it again! It's farting!
Mikayla: Aunt Jill, that's a clicking sound, not a fart!
Now, I can't tell you what we did earlier in the day on Saturday, because that's for another post, but that night I made Jill a nice dinner (while she emptied my dishwasher and washed the dishes in the sink) of linguine carbonara, the recipe of which I got on Pioneer Woman's web site. I wish I could tell you the recipe was delightful, but in all honestly, it just wasn't that great. It sat in my stomach like a ball of lead for hours. Could have had something to do with cooking a pound of bacon and then using the grease to brown the onion and garlic.
Jill loves pasta in any form though, and totally enjoyed herself, as you can see here.
Isn't it sweet how she decorated her cleavage for all of you? Yeah, I thought so too.
After dinner Jill, Gianna, Mikayla and I went to Wal*Mart to escape a pouty-assed Alexa. We love leaving her home with Jimmy when she's like that! Gianna was having another crying jag and needed to be held, so a very tired and frustrated Jill grabbed a motorized wheelchair, this particular one not for the disabled, but for the mentally unstable. I swear she kept putting it in reverse just to draw attention to us with that BEEP BEEP BEEP sound.
But really, we were pretty well behaved. It was only on the drive home that Jill started acting a bit wacky. She had bought punching balloons and thought it would be a good idea to start blowing them up in the car. Have you seen how big those things get? Can you imagine what people were thinking as they drove beside us?
By this point Jill and Mikayla were laughing with maniacal glee, while I sat there driving, wondering if maybe Jill was blowing more than CO2 into those balloons. Like perhaps some much needed brain cells?
Very attractive sis. Is that your Dizzy Gillespe look?
The rest of the ride she spent holding two of them in front of her like boobies. At one point she even said, "Go over a bump! I wanna see how they bounce!"
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am the normal one!!!!!!
Now there's only so much of Jill that a normal human can take, before they snap. And snap I did, last night. I knew something tragic like this would happen one day, but did Jill heed my warnings? No, she did not. And last night she paid the ultimate price.
Yep, I strangled her in my snausage hose and then was preparing to slice and dice.
Had it not been for Jimmy walking into the bedroom at the very last moment, there's no telling what truly would have happened.
I may have slightly recovered from my psychotic episode, but it wasn't long before Jill too, snapped. The girls were acting hyper, running around like little animals and we just couldn't take it any longer. They needed to be punished. That's right. We needed to teach them a lesson on ladylike behavior once and for all. Because you know, Jill and I are always the epitome of ladylike.
First, we tried tying them up, but what did they do? They mocked us! They enjoyed it!
But then Jill had a brilliant idea, something so evil, no child could possibly find humor in it. I knew this thing would come in handy some day.
I know what you're thinking. This is cruel and unusual punishment. You want to call CPS on me and Jill, don't you? Well all I can say to you is that unless you've spent 2-1/2 days with these three plus Gianna, you could just never understand what we'd been through.
I think we're broken women. There's no explanation for why the simple act of going through my Tupperware cabinet would turn us into crazy loons.
Have we finally lost all of our feminine pride?
Oh well, at least it shut Gianna up for a few scant minutes.
Yeah, it was quite a weekend here at Casa Tiney. I think both Jill and I have finally lost our flippin' minds, don't you?
I know. You're traumatized after this post, aren't you? But now you must go visit Jill and see how she reminisces about our sisters weekend together. To be perfectly honest with you, even I'm afraid to go to her blog and read what she has to say.
Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!