Monday, March 9, 2009

Hangin' with the 'rents

Remember a while back I mentioned how Jill and I together is kind of like an Abbott and Costello skit? Well, hanging with parents and listening to them talk is kind of like watching the movie Dumb and Dumber. I mean this with all respect, not really because hey, they're my parents, but dang people, they can be so dumb you've just got to laugh.

Saturday, they came over to see our new house and spend the day. I had a field trip in mind, but Jimmy and Madison were tuckered out from an earlier power shopping they had done, so Mom and Dad took me to the American Signature Furniture store to look at that dinette set I'd fallen in love with. Remember it?

So the plan was that Dad would drive my nifty Mazda CX-9 SUV. Should I even tell you how long it took him to first start the car, and then back down the driveway? Yes, I have to.

First question: "Where is the key?"

"I have the key fob right here Dad. Just start the car."

"But where's the key? How do I start the car?"

"Dad, it's keyless. Just turn the thingy there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Dad, I'm sure. Start the damn car!"

So he finally starts it and now puts it in reverse.

"Ooh! There's a camera to show me what's behind me! This is neat!"

"Yep, it's a great feature. Let's go, and be careful not to hit your van."

Brake, release. Brake, release. Brake, release. All the way down the driveway. Mikayla and I just looked at each other and laughed.

"Dad, what the hell are you doing? Just back down the driveway!"

"I've never driven this car before. It feels different."

"Okay dad, but it still reverses like any other car. Let's go!"

Yippeee! We've made it down the driveway! So Dad puts the car in drive and starts going. Mikayla pipes up from the back, "Grandpa! You've got it in manual. You're in the wrong gear!"

"What do you mean, manual, this is an automatic!"

"Grandpa, it's both. You need to get it out of manual and put it in regular drive."


(Mikayla huffing) "I'll do it!" So she leans over and puts it in drive. "Can we go now?"

Everything was quite normal until we stopped at a light in front of a Walgreens. They had a sign out front for a mobile vet that will be coming to the area soon. The name of the mobile vet is Pet Care-A-Van. As we were sitting at the light, I noticed Mom staring at the sign and knew something interesting would be forthcoming. She then said, "What a stupid name for a vet. What the hell does that mean?" "Mom, you dork, it's a play on words. 'Care-A-Van' = Caravan. Get it? Mobile vet? Caravan?
"Well, it still sounds stupid to me." To which Dad chimes in, "And look, they're selling rabbits for $10!" Oh boy. "Dad, they're selling rabies shots for $10!"

Light turns green and Dad announces, "Ya know, I really shouldn't be driving. I can only see out of one eye. I mean, it's okay during the day, but at night it's not so great."

Well isn't that wonderful being that he's driving my car?

The rest of the drive was fairly unremarkable as far as I can remember; even our visit to the furniture store was pretty normal. Well, aside from Dad and Mikayla attacking the plate of warm cookies they had just placed out. You'd think they hadn't been fed in days. It was actually embarrassing, the two of them sitting at a kitchen table display, sucking down complimentary bottled water and snarfing cookies. I had to remind them that the cookies were for all the customers, not just them.

So I bought the dinette set that I loved and even found a picture I fell in love with for only $10 on clearance.

A quick trip to Hobby Lobby scored Mom a really cute metal frog for the garden she doesn't have, and two pig book-ends, both on clearance. As we are walking out of the store, we passed by a motorcycle cop standing at his bike, playing with his laptop. Mom announces (loudly), "Hey, the girl didn't charge me for one of the pigs 'cause the doors don't shut properly!"

Dad, grumbling under his breath, "Gin, you're an idiot. There's a cop right there and you're practically announcing that you stole a pig!"

Is it possible to divorce your parents?

Then an argument ensued because Mom wanted to go to Wal-Mart.

"I need a grey pair of slacks. And some gas medicine."

"Gin, it's nearly 6:30 and Justine hasn't got dinner prepared. We have a 30 minute drive home. We cannot go to Wal-Mart today."

"But I want grey slacks! And I need gas medicine. I'll only be five minutes."

Quick background. My mother has never spent only five minutes in any store, ever. Even if she walked from the car to the front door of the store she'd make it take more than five minutes.

"Gin, we don't even know where a Wal-Mart is near here! We're not going!"

(Mom pouting) "I always do what everyone else wants and never get to do what I want!"

OMG, how old are we? I felt like I should soothe her with a lollipop or something.

So anyway, we somehow deflected the whole Wal-Mart-five-minute-expedition and, on the ride home, Dad was explaining a computer problem he's been having that was driving him crazy. He kept on saying, "And I can't get the imported pictures to download to my circles." Huh? Wha? Finally Mikayla said, "Grandpa, do you mean DVDs?" Dad says, "Well yeah, I call them circles." O...K!

When we got home I got dinner on the table. Donna's Pepperoncini crock pot roast, buttered egg noodles, fresh asparagus and garlic bread. Yum! Dessert was Sweet 'N Low brand sugar-free cupcakes that Mikayla and Madison had made earlier in the day. Ptooey! They were disgusting. Do NOT ever try these cake mixes. The cake was like rubber and the chocolate frosting tasted like battery acid. In the garbage they went!

Now dad sat on the couch with Mikayla, telling her a story from his childhood where he was nearly mauled by a bobcat and was saved by his uncle shooting it. Okay dad, these stories are getting weirder and weirder the older you/I get. Mom was at the kitchen table, sewing on a Brownie patch for Madison. Time was ticking and Dad started grumping about the hour drive home and how they had to get up early the next day. It went something like this:

Dad: "Gin, we really need to go now. Are you done yet?"

Mom: "Almost. Then I just want to have one more cigarette."

Dad: "You're killing yourself with those things! You can't even breathe!"

Mom: "Go to hell, Jeff. We're leaving soon."

Me: "But I thought you were going to sew the ribbon on my towels!"

Dad: "Justine, that would take her at least an hour. Forget about it."

Me: "But my towels!" (Stomping foot)

Mom: I'll take them home with me and sew them there."

Me: "Thank you, Mommy!" But I still wanted them done now.

Another 30 minutes or so goes by, when finally Dad says, "Gin, I don't want to have to say this, but I'm going to have to kill you if you don't listen to me and get ready to leave."

(Mom stubs out cigarette and gives Dad the evil eye.)

Dad, leaning on back of patio chair: "Gin, maybe we shouldn't go tomorrow. I have problems in the morning."

Me: "With the poo-poo?"

Dad: "No, with the pee-pee."

Aren't we so mature and classy? Don't you wish you could be part of this clan?

Anyway, that was the end of our visit. If you're wondering if I have an amazing memory to keep track of the ridiculous things my family members say you'd be wrong. When any of them are around, I keep a pen and paper handy at all times. This works especially well when I'm with Jill. Note to self: Buy more paper.

Anyhoodle, yesterday was spent getting a refund for the kitchen set, because Jimmy determined that the table is too long for our space. Sigh. I was so in love with it too.

But we did buy a dog crate for the puppy we're getting in a few weeks, and we even bought a fire pit for the back patio! Mom and Dad gave us money for it as a housewarming. Wasn't that totally sweet? And get this, they didn't have any in boxes, just two on display. So I said to the sweet Lowe's guy, "Hey, since these aren't boxed and are technically considered display models, can you give me a discount?" He says, "Well, it's not something we normally do, but let me see." So, he gave me 10% off, plus we didn't have the hassle of putting the thing together! Wahooooooo!

Last night the girls made S'mores. Yummy!

If Jill and the girls come this weekend as planned, I've proposed a wienie roast! Oh yeah, you know I can make a blog post out of that, don't you?

Until Next Time, Tiney

33 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Anonymous

    I love it,feels like I spent the day with you. I also love that fire pit, I want one. I just know the girls loved doing the S'mores, I love doing that myself.Can't wait until you take us on a tour of your new house.

    Love Ya,

  • Stephanie

    You had me until the potty talk.


  • Lori

    OMG!!!! How funny!!! I have been laughing the entire time I have been reading.... Your parnets are a riot...
    Great story...
    Sorry the table didn't work.

  • Anonymous

    If I give YOU a lollipop would you feel better?

    Your new firepit is very cute. Your porch closed in or is that a wind wall?

  • Rhea

    Look at all the cool stuff you got! Very cool!

    And yes, it is possible to divorce your parents...

  • Anonymous

    parents - who'd have em! But at least they are entertaining!

    For a moment when you said you'd got a crate to put the puppy in and went straight on to the fire pit, I had an image of you roasting the puppy over the firepit!

    and watch out for Mikayla - she already knows what to do with the gear stick, she'll be razzing your wheels before long!

  • ~Mary

    Your family sounds hilarious!!!

  • Jill

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish I was there just think of all we could have added to this post! Mom and dad are a trip. I just knew that you would find a post out of spendind a day with them. We make a scene where ever we go! Yup.. we do!

  • xinex

    Mikayla sounds so smart and your mom and dad are so funny! Sorry you did not get to keep the dinining set, Justine but I am sure you will find another one you will love. The pit is awesome, how nice of your parents to buy it for you...Christine

  • mrsben

    Hysterical! Don't know how old your parents are, but trust me I can relate. Maturity does have its moments....ha, ha.

    Sorry to hear that you won't be getting your Dinette Set as know how much you had your heart set on it.

    A weenee roast next weekend and outside too....LUCKY YOU!!!!!!! (Off I go to build a snowman as we are having a snow storm.)

    HAVE A GREAT WEEK Justine!
    Hugs -Brenda-

  • Michele

    OMG, your family sounds like a riot! I am laughin so hard! Your mom and dad are a hoot...are they like that all the time?

    Smores...wienie roasts...yummmmy!


  • J'Ollie Primitives

    Circles. Rabbits.
    I might be in love with your dad.

    In these here parts we gots the Neuter Scooter. Klassy!

  • Happy To Be

    GM Justine...girl I am so glad you got all moved in..sorry about your table...but you scored with the fire pit..Now girl your folks sounded just like mine when they would come for a visit..My Dad would have this thing where he had to leave at 5am and my Mama would tell him..Dad we are suppose to be retired now..why do we have to get up so early all the time?? Your dinner sounded wonderful..glad you had a good visit..hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Your family is so funny! I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of your family gatherings. Heck, I'd rather just be there in person, lol.

    Too bad the table didn't fit. I loved your dining set. Love that fire pit too. You and your kids will have so much fun with it. We love ours, but living in Florida, you'll get to use yours more.


  • SchmeckyGirl

    I'm impressed Mikayla knew the whole "drive" thing. Your dad is so funny. Driving with one eye?!?! lol.

    Love the picture but you already know that. And the firepit. Aw M and M look so cute.

    Wow you wrote so much and I forgot what it was. But it was a funny post!

  • jill jill bo bill

    LOVE the fire pit. I want one! I would stomp my foot too, but now I know it doesn't work! Too funny!

  • NurseChessie

    loved this post. felt like I was in the car with you. Did you know that my dad drives like that all the time? he doesn't know how to regulate the gas pedal so he pushes it on and off. maybe its genetic. lol.
    love ya

  • Lisa (aka) French

    Justine you always manae to crack me up! Your family sounds so much like mine it's scary!!! Glad you at least ended up with the firepit;) Now what about the towels??? Hugs French;) xoxox

  • ~♥~ Monica S

    Hahahha visiting you is so much fun! You're family is great!

    Looks so nice to be able to be outside in shorts and t-shirts!


  • Anonymous

    Oh, that bites that the dining set did not work out...........just means something wayyyyyyyy better is out there for you!

    Firepit, way cool.............wish I had one. The girls look so cute and a wienie roast sounds like a blast, especially with your sister Jill.

    You gotta love your parents, for entertainment value alone.

    And here I thought I was the only one who could not sew.........I once stapled a skirt seam.

    Take care and keep us posted on the new place!!


  • Jason, as himself

    I know that if you invited me to a family function I would just laugh and laugh the whole time. I love this kind of stuff.

    And that was a very long post!

  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    OMG, your family is so funny! Dinner sounds delicious!

    Now you're NEVER going to let your dad drive you around again, RIGHT?!? ☺

  • Philly

    This is great! When my mom was alive I had alot of visits similar to this with her and the Gman.

  • nikkicrumpet

    Well at least now we know where you and Jill get it from hehehe. So did you get the bench?????
    And damn woman...nice economic stimulus with all that shopping!

  • Anonymous

    Sorry your table was too long - I know how much you wanted it!

  • Rachelle

    Got to love the rents! Sorry your dream table didn't work out ~ great fire pit though!

  • Jill

    WOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOOO> I beat you!!!! SUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAH AHHAHAHHAHAH Oh how I love to piss you off! I love you sis!

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    I love your parents!! I swear you guys should be on tv!! give it the same name as this post!

    I jumped for joy that you got the table, then you took the wind out of my sails! Jimmy is a party pooper!

  • santamaker

    What a great family you have, Justine. Wow, I guess humor runs in the family...sounds like you're a nice blend of mom and dad! This was a lot of fun to read. I was cracking up the whole time. Wish you coulda heard it.
    Sorry to hear the table was too large. I bet it looked good! Maybe they have a similar one that is round. Who knows?!

  • Lavender Chick

    Okay - this was hilarious! I felt like I was right there with you and can even picture what your parents look like.

    Regarding the dinette - I'm so bummed that you ended up not getting it. I love it! Too bad it wasn't a fit; you'll have to post pics of your new dream dinette.

    Can't wait to see pictures and hear more about the new puppy!

  • Kris

    I will need to see photos of your parents to verify they aren't my mother and stepdad. I swear the conversations could have easily been between the two of them.

    I was laughing out loud @ Circles. bwaaahaahaaaaaa
    My stepdad calls my mothers cell phone a Cellophone. Not sure where the hell that came from, but none of us ever correct him, just laugh.

  • sue

    You know I love your family, Adopt me please, LOL! Sorry about your dining set, it was so beautiful!

  • AndreaLeigh

    love the fire pit and the dinette. i'm sorry you had to return it!