Sometimes, having a conversation with Jill is a bit like an Abbott and Costello routine.
Things will be going along smoothly, she’ll be talking in a way that everything is understandable. Then stupidity takes over Jill’s grey matter and I’m left with a huge question mark bubble over my head, followed by uncontrollable laughter.
Take for instance, one conversation we had early last week. The two of us were discussing our health and the fact that we need to lose weight to improve it.
Jill: I really have to get some of this weight off. I wish I could have gastric bypass surgery.
Me: What? That’s a bit drastic, don’t you think?
Jill: Well, not the bypass surgery. I guess the laptop one.
Me: Did you just say “laptop surgery"? You did not just say that! It’s lap band!
Cue in snorts and giggles.
A couple of days later we’re on the phone while she’s driving. She stops for gas without my knowing. Now, it’s not a good idea to talk on your cell phone while pumping gas because of the whole static electricity thing. So, as we’re talking I notice a slight echo.
Me: Jill, do you have me on speaker phone? Take me off!
Jill: I can’t touch the phone! I’m pumping gas!
Me: If you’re not touching your phone who’s holding it?
Jill: My boobs.
Me: Excuse me? You have your cell phone in your cleavage while you’re pumping gas?
Jill: Yeah, do you have a better idea?
So now she’s done with the gas and goes to another store as we’re still talking. She’s walking through the parking lot toward the store.
Me: Jill, am I still talking from your boobs?
Jill: Yeah, why?
Me: Don’t you think you should remove the phone from your tits while you’re shopping?
Jill: Why? This is better than bluetooth! Hey! It's Boobtooth!
OMG, the things this girl does keep me laughing on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if we’re really from the same gene pool. At times all it takes is just one simple sentence to send me reeling with laughter.
Jill is scolding Gianna for not eating her cereal.
Jill: Gianna! Go eat your flip flops right now!
Jill: (laughing) Oh my God, I meant Froot Loops!
Me: Oy, I just give up. You’re whacked.
Fast forward to two nights ago, once again on the phone.
Jill: Iwm bussssin my tweaf
Me: What? You’re waxing your face?
Jill: No! Iwm bwushing my teef!
Me: O… kay.
Jill: I can’t gurgle!
Me: Gurgle? You can’t gurgle?
Jill: Yeah, what?
Me: I think you meant gargle.
Jill: (Hysterical laughter) Is gurgle a word?
Me: Yes, of course it is! Like a babbling brook gurgles.
Jill: What the fuck is a babbling brook?
Me: Oh man, I give up! You need some serious help! Go get yourself a damn Webster's!
Jill: (Blowing nose)
Me: Jill, are you peeing right now? (Jill blows her nose EVERY time she pees. This was noted in a long ago post.)
Jill: Yes! How did you know?
Me: I’m disowning you.