Monday, February 2, 2009

The Things Jill Won't Tell You

Ah, my sweet, accident prone, sometimes brainless sister, Jill. God love her, she is the sweetest, most giving person you'd ever have the honor of meeting. But she's an idiot. I say this in the most loving, caring, my-sister-is-a-penis kind of way.

There are so many reasons to love my sis, and here are some of them...

One night we were chatting on the phone as she drove to Publix for some groceries. We got off the phone and Jill walked into the store, only then realizing it was the wrong Publix. Because she'd been distracted talking to moi, she drove miles out of her way and didn't realize her mistake until she was in the unfamiliar store. Dork.

Sadly, Publix is obviously a huge part of our lives. Another night we were on the phone chatting about what we needed to pick up for our week's groceries. I was idly wondering what was on sale, when Jill started reciting every BOGO and sale item in the store. From produce to meats, from snacks to condiments, she knew every one. I asked her where she got the ad or if she was viewing it online. She was not reading the ad! She had memorized all of the sale items from a previous visit to the store! Freakish.

One night Jill was out and about shopping with Mom. She'd bought this wonderful smelling lip gloss, and while driving, applied it. Seconds later she was screaming in pain. Her lips were on fire! What was wrong with this damn lip gloss? She took a closer look at the label. It was not lip gloss. It was roll-on perfume! As she frantically tried to remove the flesh eating scent, her and Mom were practically peeing their pants laughing like loons. Later, the skin on her lips cracked, peeled, and bled. Stoopid.

Last night she was carrying a 2-liter bottle of diet soda from one room to another. She accidentally dropped it and it rolled under her computer desk. She reached down and picked it up, but somehow, in the process of straightening back up, she whacked herself in the face with the soda bottle. Once again, she's bleeding. My question: How does one pick up a bottle of soda and thrust it into one's face? Moron.

Jill has a fence around her property with a gate across the driveway. When she brings the dogs out, she's usually good about making sure Mark or Wayne has closed the gate behind them. Sometimes she forgets and the dogs make a bee-line for freedom. Usually, when this happens Jill is in a state of, shall we say, undress. But does she take the time to go inside and put on some decent clothes and shoes? No, of course not. She just wants to get her dogs back safely in her yard. Twice in the last month this has happened, both times when it was in the low 30s. Picture this: Jill in shorts and tank top. No bra, no shoes. Hair like a rat's nest. Now picture in your mind, Jill running up and down her street, trying to catch the dogs, boobs swinging to and fro, hitting her in the chin, bare feet pounding the frozen pavement, yelling like a crazy woman for Reeses Peanut Butter Cup to "Come here now!" Mental patient.

Once again we're on the phone at night while she's driving. Suddenly she pulls up to what I thought was her house and starts talking to a raccoon in the yard. This in itself isn't odd for Jill, as we both talk to the critters. What was odd was when I heard the car start moving again. "Jill, where are you going? You were in your driveway." Jill says, "No I wasn't. I was in someone else's driveway!" So now we can add trespassing for the sake of wildlife entertainment to her list of abnormalities. Psycho.

Last week Jill was getting ready to go to our nephew, Jonny's play, called Romeo, You Idiot. She was applying foundation to her face, smearing it all over, when she realized the texture was all wrong. Doofus had spread hair mousse all over her face! How can one even make that mistake? Foundation is creamy, mousse is... well, it's frickin' fluffy! Jill, You Idiot!

Look at the name of the mousse. Am I clever, or am I clever?

Stay tuned blogger buddies. There are always new Jill stories to tell, and it's my goal in life to let them be heard!




Until Next Time, Tiney

32 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Jill

    OMG! I almost pissed my pants.. no wait I did a little.. :)! While I was reading the part about the lip gloss/perfume I actually felt the pain of the peppermint on my lips! OUCH! That hurt so bad!!!!! Omg.. Paybacks... paybacks... you're in for it... !

  • Michael

    LOL...that's one loving sister you have...mine would have my neck!

    Great stories :)

  • Beckie

    I have a cranky husband and a whiny two year old, believe me, I needed a huge laugh!! Thank you Jill for being the wonderful you and for providing us a great laugh! LoL.

  • Justine

    I just asked Jill why she didn't comment on my "critterzens arrest", since I thought it was so funny. This is what she emailed back. ROFLMAO!!!!!!

    I was too busty laughign

    Tiney :o )

  • Bridget

    The feud is on!
    Good thing I just made a potty trip BEFORE reading about the "lipgloss." Poor Jill!!!!

  • Elizabeth

    I wish my sister was that goofy. She's just scary, monitoring my health/behavior!

  • Buffie

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! She cracks me up!!!!! Just picturing her boobs flying undid me!!! Keep on being you Jill, it gives us much entertainment!

    Buffie :)

  • Diane

    OMG, this was hysterical! Poor Jill! ♥ Diane

    PS Good thing I made that potty run before I sat down to read blogs!

  • Anonymous


    Holy cow! How can so much happen to one person. What's the time span here??? years and years??

    Great hilarious post!

  • Tootsie

    ROLFMAO! that lip gloss one...O-M-G!!!!

  • Ma'dame French

    I LMAO at the lipgloss such an innocent something I did not long ago but this isn't about me JILL.....too funny thanks for the laugh;) and thanks for listening;) French xoxox

  • dddiva

    Thank you so very much for the laugh(s). Hysterical.

  • santamaker

    Awww...Jill is such a sweetie, I hope she gets you back for this!!!!!!

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    OMG, I was laughing so hard I nearly peed! Poor Jill! If I didn't know how much you too love each other I would begin to wonder after you post about each other's most embarrassing moments!

    I laughed even harder when you quoted her saying "I was too busty laughign." It's a good thing she has big hooters or it wouldn't have been near as funny, lol.


  • ~♥~ Monica S

    OMG hehehe.. I just got up.. and I thought I get updated on my day off.. This was a great way to start the morning.. sitting here laughing out loud all alone ;-)
    Thanks Justine (and Jill) :-) you are so funny!


  • Jill

    I am so glad all of you are starting your day out with a laugh on my behalf! :) OH.. paybacks are *itch!

  • cindy

    You two are a hoot! You should have your own reality show! ~Cindy~

  • niartist

    LOL! I am wondering that too, just how does someone wack themselves in the face with enough force to cause bleeding picking up a soda bottle? LOL! Hope you're ok Jill! Happy Tuesday!

  • Misty

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is so funny. especially the lip gloss one! i wish my sister would join blogger so we could roast each other!! it would be so fun! LOL!

  • jill jill bo bill

    This payback thing is the GREATEST! Can't wait until she repays! Too funny!

  • Nikki via The Scarlett Rose Garden

    Ok.. I'm sorry Jill but I am laughing at your exspense, lol! Hey, you make life fun!

    It was funny enough, then I saw Tiney's labels...heheehe

  • Paris

    hahahahaha. I wish I had a sister!!! :) You crack me up, girl! *hugs*

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    Blogging at work............. so bad, yet feels soooo good! Wonder what they think i'm laughing out loud at? And laughing really loudly too!

    Note to self, avoid Justine's blog while at work! This was just too funny!

    gotta go! someone's coming!

  • SchmeckyGirl

    LOL I love the Jill stories. The Lipgloss one was hysterical! Too funny. Keep em coming.

  • Anonymous

    Jill, honey just let her rave on, your still my hero. But a little word of advice, maybe you should pay a little bit more attention. :)

    Love ya both,

  • Anonymous

    and to think that a while back I thought it might be fun to meet both of you at the same time.......maybe not!

  • Michelle

    I wish I had a sister! She sounds like she is hilarious! You are lucky.

  • AJ

    Growing up an only child I never got to experience any of this sister stuff:( I can only imagine the laughs you two share and can only hope that my two girls get along and have as much fun as you do!

  • Rachelle

    I so hope to somehow meet you and Jill in person some day ~ you guys are a hoot! Love the stories! I have never heard of Publix though ~ when I first looked at it I thought it said Pubic! I've been doing some catching up ~ way cool video of Rocky. I can't believe how close he gets to you. And gorgeous new house too ~ good luck with the move!

  • Diane

    Hi Justine! Thanks for dropping by! Pebble Beach CA is between Carmel & Monterey. The golf classic was held there every year. My son & dil got married on the grass close to the chair. Their reception was held in the Beach Club. It was amazing. I'd never experienced anything like that before.

  • Sara's Sweet Surprise

    This reminds me of a friends sister who on Martin Luther King day said... "I don't understand why we have a holiday for the guy who invented Burger KING!!!"
    Please tell me Pube-licks isn't the name of a real store...I shutter to think of the masterminds who walked out of the board room with a thumbs up on that venture. I know. One of Tiney's secret admirers.

    Sweet wishes,

  • nikkicrumpet

    OOOOH I am so glad for three that I found you in blogland because woman you are the most hilarious person on the planet....two: that I don't have a sister to rat me out....and three: that I'm gonna get to see what Jill does in retaliation!!!!!