Sterling Petty Blojo

I've lost it. I can't find it. I've searched and searched all damn day to no avail. My blojo. It's gone. You know what blojo is, don't you? It's blog mojo. Kind of like what Austin Powers had for his male prowess, but for me? My blojo is what motivates me to write. It puts silly ideas in my head to share with you. But I've lost the damn thing and I have no clue where it's gone.

Kind of like my purse this afternoon. I was ready to leave for the library when I realized my purse wasn't where I had put it the night before. I searched the whole downstairs then figured I'd check my room. Sometimes, if Jimmy gets in a snit because things are laying around, he'll take it upstairs and put it on my pillow. Yeah, he's nice like that.

It wasn't on my pillow, it wasn't in my closet. It wasn't even hidden under the clean laundry. What the hell? Did he take it with him when he left this morning with the girls for the Jacksonville air show? Naw, he wouldn't go that far to keep me from spending money, would he?

So I called him. He didn't answer. Finally, I decided to take one more trek up the stairs to re-look where I'd already looked. Then I thought, maybe he accidentally put it in Mikayla's room. Just as I got near her door I looked down, and what did I find, but a pile of the girls' stuff that they'd left laying around downstairs. And my shoes. And my flippin' purse! In the upstairs hallway on the freakin' floor! And not just at the top of the stairs where I'd be likely to see it, but around the damn corner toward Madison's room.

The next time I spoke to Jimmy I told him he can move the girls' stuff all he wants, but to keep his hands off my stuff. He told me, "You had it on the stairs. It doesn't belong on the stairs. I'm tired of everyone leaving stuff laying around where it doesn't belong."

Yeah well, I'd put my purse on the stairs so that it was behind the gate so Strudel wouldn't eat it.

Lately his big thing is crap being where it's not supposed to be. Can you say HYPOCRITE???!!! So, he went on and on about my purse and one pair of shoes being on the stairs. Ya know, so Strudel wouldn't eat them. I got off the phone and just glanced around the family room.



Hypocrisy Exhibit A:


Hmmm... that leather jacket looks just like Jimmy's! And hot damn, it's kind of on the stairs!


Exhibit B:



Gee, that suspiciously looks like Jimmy's suitcase that he brought in the house on Friday night. And it's on the couch.


Exhibit C:



I do believe that's my entertainment center and not a dumping ground for various electronics, shopping bags and paperwork.


Exhibit D:



That laptop case and that backpack does not belong to either me or the girls. I wonder whose it is? No, it's not even Zoe's. She's just inspecting it 'cause she knows it doesn't belong there.

I'm not trying to be petty or anything, but. Well. Yeah, I am trying to be petty, 'cause dammit, it's fun! If it wouldn't be such a pain in the ass, I'd take all of his stuff and put it on his pillow! But I'm just too lazy to lug it all up the stairs.

I do have one positive thing to tell you. I got a new laptop! Yeah yeah yeah, I know I just bought my tiny little Acer not 6 months ago, but if you were in this house when both the girls get home from school and they fight over who has to use Madison's Mac more, you'd understand. It was getting mighty tiring breaking up fights over a laptop. So, Mikayla got my little red one and I... I... got a new toy!!!

I got myself the cheapest dual core laptop I could find at Best Buy, and man am I diggin' it!

Look, my little Acer now has a daddy!


Aw, is that not the cutest thing? Go ahead, look again, and take notice of what my blog layout looks like on the Acer, and what I can now see. Yes people, I can finally see the layout I paid for! Woo to the hoo!!!




His name is Sterling, 'cause he's a pretty luminescent silver. And he's big. Real big. 15.6" of dual core ecstasy, his hard drive bringing me hours and hours of non-stop performance...

Ahhhhh.

Yes ladies, size does matter.


Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

School? Ptooey!!!

I don't know about you, but when I was a kid I lived for summers and really disliked school. I would say I hated it, but that would be a bit harsh. I also happened to be the lucky recipient of some really scary-mean teachers. Kindergarten was Mrs. Lahomadou and boy was she a witch! Okay, I probably shouldn't be saying that, as she was old as dirt when I had her, so she's surely on the other side now. She was still mean though. Neener neener!

She actually looked quite a bit like this lady.

First grade was better when I had Mrs. Martin. She was pretty, young, and had long, shiny, flowing blonde hair. I remember her as being nice, but I also recall that when she did get mad her extremely thin lips would turn white and pucker up into this wrinkled circle. Looking back now, I can only compare her pucker face to an asshole. No, not Jimmy! A real asshole!

Kinda like this

I seem to have totally forgotten second grade. Wow, how the hell did that happen?

Third grade was even worse than kindergarten. I had Mrs. Pressman. Oh boy, royal bitch! She had these incredibly bulgy eyes and when she got mad, which was often, they'd bulge to such a degree you'd think they'd just pop out, hanging on a thread of muscular tissue. Once again, I can look back now and figure the poor woman probably had Grave's disease, thus the protruding eyes. She was still a total bitch nevertheless.

Very similar to this. Egads, that IS scary!

Don't worry, I'm not going to lead you through my entire school career, year by year, teacher by teacher. I'm mean, but not completely cruel ya know. All of this was just to lead up to the fact that...

My girls both love school!

What the hell is up with that anyway?

Last year's 6th grade curriculum kicked Mikayla's ass. She's in what they call pre-AP classes, which are advanced and start teaching the kids proper study habits and such for high school. She struggled the whole year academically, but still? She loves school! She loves learning. She loves (Gasp, spit, hiss, boo!) math!!! This cannot be my child.

Madison, now in 3rd grade, is in her third year of the laptop program. Each day she not only carries her backpack on the bus, but also her big honkin' Mac laptop. This kid can surf the web with the best of them and do PowerPoint presentations in her sleep.

Although Madison lacks even an ounce of common sense, she is wicked smart and adores learning. Animals are her specialty and if this child does not grow up to be a veterinarian I will be totally surprised.

This past Monday my girls started back to school. First off was Mikayla. Her bus picks her up at the ungodly hour of 7:00 a.m. Are they friggin' kidding me? Notice it's just getting light out as we leave for the bus stop.

The kid is a total peanut, but man, those legs go on forever, don't they?





I love embarrassing her at the bus stop. It's what I do people, and I'm damn good at it! Each day, just as she's about to slam the car door, in a very loud and silly voice, I yell, "Baaaaahhheee!" That's "bye" in Tiney-speak.
Next up was Madison, whose bus comes at a more agreeable time of 8:03. Notice how she clipped her bangs back. This is because Mommy forgot to get her a bang trim before school started. She did get one that very night though. Madison refused to let me fix her hair pretty. Geesh, the independence!




Bye bye baby! Have a great day!

When she was getting on the bus, I actually held my breath watching her try to pull herself and the weight of all she was carrying up those steep steps. She did it!So, another school year has started and to me that means cool weather. So where the hell is it? Why must I live in this sub-tropical climate where the air is as thick as pea soup? Where is my autumn? Where are my pretty colored leaves? Where is my snow and frostbitten fingers? Damn La Florida!!!

So off they went on their merry way, and so did I.



Right back to bed!




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

My Dog Ate It

How many times have you heard that excuse used? Well let me tell you, sometimes it's the truth, the whole truth and, nothing but the truth!

Since having Strudel here for the past month and a half, nothing, and I mean nothing within her reach is safe. Puppies in general, and goldens in particular are known for chewing and/or eating anything that comes their way. Unfortunately, in my case, this also includes my skin. It's painful enough when she gets in her "play" bite mode and she sinks those puppy hypodermic needle-like teeth into me. It's much worse when I stupidly pull away while said teeth are sunk into my skin.

My poor ugly foot!

They say that eggs are really good for your dog's shiny coat and I'm all for that. Unfortunately, nobody told Strudel that you're not supposed to eat a hard boiled egg with the shell still on it. All Jimmy's fault, of course. He was doing his weekly boiling and peeling of 36 eggs and obviously one got away from him. So now we're back to funky Strudel poop, but this time it was kind of cute looking. I won't go into details, just that it reminded me of something like this. Mmm... chocolate with coconut!



I don't mind when she stalks and then eats a bug that's crawling around out here on the patio. One less thing to bite me and cause me to commit buggy murder.

And I do realize that for a dog it's got to be fun chasing around a hopping toad and picking it up with your mouth. But toad skin has some mild toxins in it and if your dog eats one he or she will be foaming at the mouth like Cujo within seconds. It is because of this that I found myself diving after a toad last week, trying to grab it and at the same time keep Strudel from pouncing on it joyfully.



But not all things that Strudel deems tasty are actually, well, edible in any way. We've been having a hell of a time getting her house trained, so Jimmy suggested that maybe I should try wee wee pads. I figured, what the hell? I've tried everything else. So, I spent $10 on a pack of them, put one down and left the room.



She ate it.

No, not just shredded it and played with it. She ATE IT. All that was left was a bit of fluff here and there. I shit you not. And she peed it not. Er...

So! This is all normal puppy stuff, correct? This is all stuff I can deal with, however annoying it can be. But then. THEN she messed with something of mine that is near and dear to me, something that keeps me at least partially sane. Something of which I cannot live without. Something that if I have to live without, everyone around me is going to suffer.






My computer's power cord.

SHE ATE IT!

But somehow, even though she'd bitten right through the protective covering and the wires were exposed, it was still working. Until the other day when I decided to switch outlets.

I plugged my computer into the kitchen outlet, then turned around to get a glass of water. Suddenly, I hear a POOF, and turn around to find a puff of smoke and the cord in two pieces. One on the floor, the other dangling out of the outlet.



But wait, this wasn't just a power cord. This was a brand new, $48 power cord I'd just bought two weeks ago. After I'd dropped the first one from the counter to the kitchen floor SPLAT!

I kind of lost it then. I mean, I'd bought my laptop used from Buffie's husband, Mike less than a year ago. But now the great deal I got wasn't going to be so great if I had to invest $100 in power cords, right?

So I bought a new laptop.

I believe it's a cheap piece of crap, and it's damn tiny too, with only a 10.1" screen. But ya know what? I'm happy. I can't wait till it gets here. And ya know what else? It's red! And that? Totally excites me.



I'm hoping that by some miracle the two-piece power cord can be spliced back together and work again, this way my old laptop can be passed on to Mikayla. I really was kind of fond of my little Dell Dinosaur and don't want to see him rotting in electronic purgatory.

So we'll now be a four-laptop family. Jimmy, with his lightning fast Dell from work, me, with my $329 Acer (but it's RED!), Mikayla with an old Dell that's been passed down through the ages, and Madison, the almost 8-year-old with the $1,700 MAC. Oh yeah, we're all about equality here.





Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Communicating with Jill

Sometimes, having a conversation with Jill is a bit like an Abbott and Costello routine.


Things will be going along smoothly, she’ll be talking in a way that everything is understandable. Then stupidity takes over Jill’s grey matter and I’m left with a huge question mark bubble over my head, followed by uncontrollable laughter.

Take for instance, one conversation we had early last week. The two of us were discussing our health and the fact that we need to lose weight to improve it.

Jill: I really have to get some of this weight off. I wish I could have gastric bypass surgery.

Me: What? That’s a bit drastic, don’t you think?

Jill: Well, not the bypass surgery. I guess the laptop one.

Me: Did you just say “laptop surgery"? You did not just say that! It’s lap band!

Cue in snorts and giggles.

A couple of days later we’re on the phone while she’s driving. She stops for gas without my knowing. Now, it’s not a good idea to talk on your cell phone while pumping gas because of the whole static electricity thing. So, as we’re talking I notice a slight echo.

Me: Jill, do you have me on speaker phone? Take me off!

Jill: I can’t touch the phone! I’m pumping gas!

Me: If you’re not touching your phone who’s holding it?

Jill: My boobs.

Me: Excuse me? You have your cell phone in your cleavage while you’re pumping gas?

Jill: Yeah, do you have a better idea?

So now she’s done with the gas and goes to another store as we’re still talking. She’s walking through the parking lot toward the store.

Me: Jill, am I still talking from your boobs?

Jill: Yeah, why?

Me: Don’t you think you should remove the phone from your tits while you’re shopping?

Jill: Why? This is better than bluetooth! Hey! It's Boobtooth!



OMG, the things this girl does keep me laughing on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder if we’re really from the same gene pool. At times all it takes is just one simple sentence to send me reeling with laughter.

Jill is scolding Gianna for not eating her cereal.

Jill: Gianna! Go eat your flip flops right now!

Jill: (laughing) Oh my God, I meant Froot Loops!

Me: Oy, I just give up. You’re whacked.

Fast forward to two nights ago, once again on the phone.

Jill: Iwm bussssin my tweaf

Me: What? You’re waxing your face?

Jill: No! Iwm bwushing my teef!

Me: O… kay.

Jill: I can’t gurgle!

Me: Gurgle? You can’t gurgle?

Jill: Yeah, what?

Me: I think you meant gargle.

Jill: (Hysterical laughter) Is gurgle a word?

Me: Yes, of course it is! Like a babbling brook gurgles.

Jill: What the fuck is a babbling brook?

Me: Oh man, I give up! You need some serious help! Go get yourself a damn Webster's!

Jill: (Blowing nose)

Me: Jill, are you peeing right now? (Jill blows her nose EVERY time she pees. This was noted in a long ago post.)

Jill: Yes! How did you know?

Me: I’m disowning you.