Christmas Ate My Yard, Too!

It took me over a week to do, and with no help from Jimmy, but I finally got the yard done! Yeah baby, yeah! But this isn't just a post with a bunch of pictures. No, there's a story to tell, as often happens with me. Things rarely happen normally here, and putting up Christmas lights has turned out to be no different.

First, let me say that a fat woman such as myself is not built to climb up and down ladders. When your belly sticks out as if you're 9 months pregnant, it's kinda hard to reach forward to put a clip on the gutter. I had to be very careful because as I lean forward, The Belly hits the top of the ladder and nearly throws Tiney off the ladder and onto her fat ass. Imagine the splat that would make!

Now, I really really really wanted lights on the roof-line, but Jimmy abhors heights and has just refused to do it. Well shit, I'm not getting up there! I mean, I could but I'm just not gonna do it. I jokingly completely seriously asked my neighbor, Manuel, if he'd do it for me, but I think I asked at the wrong time because at that very moment he was on the peak of his roof and not enjoying the view.

So, in lieu of lights on the roof, I figured I could manage to at least string some lights and garland above the garage on the gutters. Easy, right? Well, not so easy because a) I bought the wrong kind of clips, and b) the only ladder we have weighs about 50 bazillion trillion pounds and takes a VW Bug's worth of clowns men to unfold. But I'm now determined to get some Christmas spirit in my yard, so off I trek next door to Grisel and Manuel's to borrow their ladder and some gutter clips. Set up the ladder just fine but oops, I don't understand how these clips work. "Oh Griselllllllllllllllllll... I need helppppppppppp!" She drops her strand of lights and comes over to show me how to hang my garland. She even did a couple of swags for me. What a doll-baby. After many belly bumps and livid cursing, I got it done. Whew!

Now it's candy cane time, but I can't just put them anywhere because the neighbors decided they wanted us all to line the street with them. So off to Wal-Fart I went and bought 8 of the big ones, only to get home and realize I need at least another 8 of em. Back to Wal-Fart, buy more candy canes, come home to put them in and notice that everyone else has the little ones. Well screw it! I'm a non-conformist, right? But then Jimmy sees them and decides he likes the smaller ones better. So off to Walgreens he goes to get the little ones. We are now $70 in the frickin' hole on frickin' candy frickin' canes. And I can't even eat them!

At this point, I decided I'd let Mikayla have the task of unraveling them and inserting the stakes. Big mistake. Witch Sweet child can only get half a set undone before the rest is a mangled, tangled mess and she starts stomping around telling me I can just do it myself. Have I ever mentioned how much I love puberty?

So what do I do? I leave them in the garage and I move onto something else. Shrubs! Jimmy has finally trimmed them down, so I can put the lights on them! I won't even go into the trauma of trying to find enough extension cords, then trying to figure out how to get one connected to the other and so on. I mean, the cursing could be heard near and far. It was just pitiful. At one point I even threw a set of red C7s at the driveway and watched a bunch of them shatter with a POP. Fun times trying to sweep that shit up. Not to mention that at least 6 neighbors were outside and all looked up at the POP and gave me the "she's crazy" look. But my shrubs have lights, so neener neener!

Now I want garland swagged over Mikayla's bedroom window, but how do you stick anything to stucco? I had noticed that my friend Kristen had done it, so I stalked her until she answered her phone tracked her down to find out how. Command sticky hooks! YES! So, off I went to Walgreens to get my hooks. And another 8 sets of white lights. Ka Ching!

Well shit, I can't reach way up there with my little step stool, so I borrow Grisel's ladder once again. I did it, and it looks okay, but I should have used the thicker, stiff garland instead of the soft, thin stuff. Even put a big gold sparkly bow in the middle, just like I did on the garage.



Things are coming along nicely now. I've got some lights on the bushes, my wreaths hung on the coach lamps, garland here and there, but those damn little candy canes in the garage were haunting me, and no amount of pleading on my part would get Mikayla to try and unravel them again.

But you see, I'm sneaky and conniving and when I saw my other next door neighbor, Latika, outside talking to her next door neighbor, Tracy, I started cursing extra loud while slinging the candy cane strands to and fro... ya know, to get their attention. Wouldn't you know Latika offered to untangle them for me? Both sets! Yeah baby, yeah! So now Tracy holds Latika's baby, Latika untangles the canes, and I get up on my step ladder and start stringing lights in one of the trees. And lucky me, Latika's hubby comes outside with his ladder, and because he's so manly and tall, finishes the tree for me! Do you see a pattern going on here? Oh, and Tracy, if you're reading this? Thank you for lending me your duct tape!

You'd think this is the end of the post and I could just put up some pictures now, right? But oh no, now comes the GREAT CANDY CANE DEBATE. Ron has his facing one way, Grisel has hers facing another, but they look backwards to me. Her hooks are facing left, and for some reason it just seems wrong. So I put mine facing right, along with Latika and Brian, who also think Grisel's are backwards. I was so proud of myself when that was accomplished. I guess I should mention that I ran out of extension cords and had to ask Latika if I could plug one of my sets into theirs. Yes, now my crimes include stealing electricity. But yeah, I was happy it was all done and I could just sit back and enjoy my canes. Until I emailed the pictures to a group of my friends. I'm not naming names, Jill!, Buffie!, Bridget!, Becky! and they all in unison said, "They're backwards! You have to turn them around! The hooks should be facing left, like a number 7." I argued till I was blue in the face that there is no wrong way to face a candy cane, and much debating ensued, including various Google Images pics of candy canes facing like a number 7. Shit on a stick! I've been bamboozled! I can't take the peer pressure! So, I decided I'll turn them around, and then tell Brian and Latika that theirs are backwards and need to be turned.

Next day I was outside literally having a physical dispute with another thing of garland when Latika comes over and says, "Tracy and I drove over to TheNorthPoleExplodedOnOurBlock Rd., and like the way their candy canes are. The hooks are facing the street! So we're going to change all of them!" Oh glory be, someone just shoot me in the head! I'm over the damn candy canes now! But wouldn't you know, I didn't have to bend my fat self over to do it? Nope, Latika and one of her daughters, plus our friend Michelle turned all of them around. Mine, Ron's, Grisel's, Tracy's, Latika's. Whew! The next person that comments on the direction of my canes gets one right up the ass!

Here they are, facing the wrong way. Geez, from all the arguing, you'd think I'd put little red and white pentagrams out on the street!

Angled shot. Do you see why I'm so upset about Jimmy not getting up on the roof? The top half of my house looks nekkid! Like she ain't wearing a bra. And I want her to have on a really sexy one, with spangly, shiny stuff!
And btw... yes, I know this is probably the ugliest house you've ever clapped eyes on. That's why we ain't buyin' it!


Funky crooked "Rhea" kinda shot.



Oh, and that garland I was fighting with to put around my front door? Couldn't reach that with my step ladder either, so had to borrow Ron's ladder. Also couldn't get the push pins to stay with my finger, so had to hammer them. After cracking about 10 of them I finally realized I had to tap very very lightly. Ugh.

But look, now we're all facing the correct way!



Let's look at them from the side...



Some to the left...



And some to the right...



And let's have one picture of Grisel's house since she worked so hard on it and it came out so pretty! Still want Manuel to get up on my roof dammit.



So a quick recap. I borrowed Grisel's ladder. Three times. I borrowed Ron's ladder. I borrowed tape from Tracy. I borrowed electricity from Latika, and got her to unravel my candy canes. I borrowed her husband to string lights on my tree. I got Grisel to climb the ladder and show me how to hang my garland. I got all of them to turn my candy canes around. I found out that Command hooks really do stick to stucco. I also found out that even though I used at least 15 different extension cords, I still need to buy more for next year. I found that I can curse in two different languages simultaneously and loud enough for the neighbors to comment. And then this afternoon I found out that wind and garland don't mix, and all of mine was on the ground! I'm not even going there. I'm going to wait till Jill gets here tomorrow, and let her do it! She's the one with Christmas spirit coming out of her ass anyway.

Don't ya just love the holiday season? Ho frickin' ho!