And Then There Was THE TREE

Whew! What a busy weekend I had! First, Friday afternoon I had to drive Madison and Mikayla up to Jimmy’s office for their annual Christmas party, where they have bouncy castles, face painting, cookies, and God knows what else. Mikayla was supposed to go, but being 11years old decided that Daddy’s party is just too boring and refused to get out of the car when we got there. Ooh, the arguing we did! But the little booger won, so she and I went to Walmart to buy some more Christmas lights and some stuff Jill wanted so she could make ornaments with the girls during the weekend.

Jill, Alexa, and Gianna came over late Friday afternoon, and from then on it was go go goooooooooooo! After all this was Christmas tree night! Our tradition each year is to wait until dark, then go out searching for the perfect tree. Nourishment comes in the form of pizza, beer for Jimmy, bottled root beer for Mikayla, and eggnog for Madison. And this year, Jill got to indulge in some Fat Bastard. No sillies, not the big Scottish guy from Austin Powers! The wine! The wine! Geez, you guys are so uncultured. It’s even real wine, not the crap that comes with a screw cap. Winnie the Poodle (or as Gianna calls her, "Winnie My Puddle") wanted some holiday cheer too, but I don't think this is what she had in mind.


Gianna had been eating the candy cane in the back seat, when she decided she didn't want it anymore and threw it. The kids were looking all over for it back there but couldn't find it. Then suddenly Winnie jumped onto Jill in the front seat and you hear her scream, "I found the candy cane! It's on Winnie's ass!"


Jill and I were to meet Jimmy at the tree lot with the girls and to my shock and chagrin, he and Madison had already picked what they deemed the perfect tree. I was even told, “You can look around, but this is it. This is the tree we’re taking home.” Well you know me, I love a challenge, especially from my cranky hubby, so off I went to find a more perfect tree. And find a tree I did. And even though it was a foot taller than Jimmy’s choice, and $20 more, guess which one was on the top of my truck a few minutes later? HA! For once I won something!

Unfortunately my tree high did not stick around for long. Because when we got home and Jimmy brought our special stand in from the garage, he instantly found that one of the legs was bent beyond repair. Oops, I do think I remember running that over in the garage a couple weeks ago. But when I looked at it, it looked just fine! I didn’t realize I’d killed it! Oopsie? Jimmy did all he could to save it, banging on it with a sledgehammer, cursing and mumbling under his breath about “not looking where you’re going when you pull into the garage… so irresponsible… this is an expensive stand…” Blah blah BLAH! So I had a hissy fit and locked myself in my room like the mature adult I am.

While I was watching TV pouting Jill and Jimmy rode back up to the tree lot and somehow convinced them to swap out for a new stand. Never mind that ours was a year old and I ran it over! Have I ever told you that Jill has the power of suggestion worked out to an art? It’s friggin’ magical.

So now we’ve got the 8-1/2 foot tree up in the stand and it’s ready for lights. Time to argue again, because no one wants to do them! Jill steps up to the plate with Mikayla and begins stringing them. Well, Jimmy didn’t like the way they were doing them and then he and Mikayla got in an argument and she stormed off to her room and slammed the door. So who wound up fixing the lights? Yes, moi. But hey, this tree is tall and my shoulders started hurting when I got near the top. I asked Jimmy if he could just finish the last foot or two, but would you believe the penis told me no, I should just get a chair? Egads, the crap I put up with!

I won’t even go into the whole dilemma of us not being able to get the new sets of LED lights to stay on multi instead of blue. Let me just say that Jimmy figured out that if you unplug them, turn the plug over the other way and plug it back in, they work correctly. “Polarity is everything ya know.” Gag!

So at this point, Alexa and Madison came out of hiding downstairs and the real jolliness began, because it was ornament time! The kids had a total blast decorating, and even Gianna got in on the action. By this point there is Christmas stuff from one end of my house to the other.

No, Madison has not suddenly grown a blue beard. That's the beach scene she had painted on her face earlier in the day.


Yes, Jimmy is wearing pajama bottoms. Sexy, eh?


And of course I could not let this post go without putting up embarrassing video of Jill. But the joke is on me, because OMG, I sound like the biggest dork ever. Please tell me I do NOT usually laugh like that. I sound like Woody Woodpecker!
Jill insists that I do indeed laugh like this, but it's a lie dammit. I'd been listening to myself laugh at Jill all weekend and I'm more of a dainty tee-hee-hee kind of laugher. Really. I'm being honest. Sort of. And look, you can see the whole dang mess too!



And just a super quick one to highlight the obsurdity of this ornament.


To make this long story a wee bit shorter, I’ll just say that we finished the tree some time around 1 a.m. and everyone went to bed semi happy. But would you believe that just yesterday I realized no one had plugged in the star? (Hello! Beacon to Jesus, people!) And that Jimmy still hasn’t turned the tree so that the “good” side is facing forward? And that my garland outside is still hanging all piggledy- wiggledy? And that I still have not wrapped even one of the over 80 gifts I have piled up all over the place? And that I have not baked even one damn cookie or cake yet? Help! I’ve been buried in Christmas and can’t get up!

My mostest favoritest ornament... my Lenox moose!

Mmm... coffee!


The girls made these horses last year with their mom-mom, out of corks.


I made a bunch of these gingerbread dudes quite a few years ago.


This one was made by my friend Janet, from my pregnancy 1997 email loop.


I also made dozens of these spoons and it took me at least a week!


Here's a non-flash shot to pick up the colors better.


And finally, THE TREE. If it looks slighted crooked and the star looks slightly lopsided, that's because they are.