Be My Guest. Everyone Else Was.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my house, the liquor was flowing, the food was put out. The family was here, and friends one and all. Could someone remind me next year that my house is too small?

Okay, okay, I’ll stop with the poetic crap, and just tell you about our Christmas Eve. Mikayla and Jimmy cooked for two straight days, and I used those last hours to finish my baking and get my cakes decorated. It seemed that each hour that went by our guest list kept climbing, and we wound up with 29 people for dinner. Thank goodness Jimmy listened to my advice and did it buffet style this year. But, looking back, I have to admit, it’s just not the same feeling of closeness and togetherness when people are scattered between three tables.

I thought everyone was here, but then my doorbell rang. Who the hell could that be? Well…

What to my wondering eyes did appear? Oh look! It was Larry with all his tiny gaydeer! On Cartier! On Chanel! On Dior and Prada! On Manolo and Choo, and Ferragamo too!

Well hello Larry, and Ho Ho Ho! But aren’t you missing a couple of fairy doe?

Oh please, Miss Thang, I left them at home. They chewed up a Gucci and from their mouths they did foam. But here I am with this nice veggie tray, so let me in the door, get out of my way! I see all those bottles arranged just so, now crack me one open and let the Cuervo flow!

Oops. I did it again, didn’t I? So sorry, but I’ve got that damn story in my head and it keeps taking over my fingers.

Here’s Larry hanging with our friend, Paula.



Since Jimmy worked so hard on the food, I thought I should take some pictures of it for posterity.


Fried cheese anyone?
After the animals had attacked.


The cook, himself.




I wish I had a bunch of funny stories to tell, but I got so burnt out on the whole holiday thing that it kind of fried my brain. The only funny thing I can remember is when Paula referred to a vajayjay as a frittata. I mean come on, where did that come from? I told her that we call it a hoo hoo in this family. And without thinking of what I was saying, said, “A frittata sounds like something you’d eat!” (Isn’t it an egg dish?) Yes, all of our minds instantly went there. How could they not? I thought my mother was going to wet her pants after that one.

Oh look, there's Jill and Poopy Pants!


After dinner it was time to open gifts. Because of the weird layout of this house, and the amount of people we were having, we couldn’t just spread the gifts out around the tree… we had to kind of let them leak into the foyer too. Now keep in mind that what you see here is just from Jill and my parents, plus a couple of friends, and the gifts I had for all of them. Santa hadn’t come yet! We did track the big guy on NORAD the whole night, which was really cool. First time I’ve done that and a few of the kids really really enjoyed it.





Gift opening was a sight to behold. It was so chaotic. There were kids screaming, kids laughing, kids crying. Shit, I think I shed a tear or two myself, just from the sheer confusion. But in the end, everyone was happy, even me. Jill got me some cool gifts this year, most of which revolve around my email and blogging obsession, and my need to sit out here on the back porch no matter how cold it is. Ya know, so I can pollute my lungs while typing. She got me a Slanket! I know, what the hell is that? Well, it’s this super soft blanket thingy, but it’s got sleeves. In retrospect I guess she could have just gotten me a robe, but “robe” doesn’t sound as cool as “slanket”, does it? And besides, when I put it on today, I felt like some kind of super-hero. I AM BatBitch! Okay, honestly? I look like the inbred result of Obi One and a flying squirrel.

Jill also found me gloves with removable fingertips, so I can still type when it’s chilly out, and my fingers won’t freeze to the keyboard.

I think my favorite gift from her though is the mug she had made for me at Café Press. Here, I’ll show ya. Look! It says, “My Poopy Pants”. Awwwwwwwwwww!


Remember all those desserts I slaved over for the better part of a week? Well, most of it went untouched! Uh huh, seems my guests were enjoying their after-dinner drinks a bit too much to stop and sit for some homemade yumminess. I was actually pretty pissed off and told Jill I was never doing it again. Yeah right. At least some people enjoyed them… mainly my family members.

Every year, some time in November, Jill warns me that if I don’t make my three layer fudge peppermint cake, she won’t come to my house. I don’t mind making it, but boy is this cake a bitch! Every year the layers get stuck to the pan, and look like this.


And then, because I’m too lazy to trim them down and make them all even, the finished product looks like this. The leaning tower of fudge.

Now that's just plain weird. The picture was not taken vertically, and it's not vertical in my file. So why is it sideways here???
But anyway, OMG, you’d think you’d died and gone to fudgy, whipped-peppermint creamy heaven with just one bite. Would you believe Jill asked me if I make this from a box? For shame!!!! As IF! She said she just couldn’t understand how I could bake something from scratch that comes out tasting so wonderful. O. K.

Her hubby, Mark, would kill me if I didn’t make my ultra rich cheesecake each year. I’ve never seen such a fattening recipe in all my life, but oh my, is it good! Seven eggs, 32 ounces of cream cheese, 24 ounces of sour cream, and a few other ingredients, and this is what you have. This year I made fresh whipped cream and piped it on with a pastry bag.


I made my usual rainbow petit fours (once again, Drop Dead Becky!), which are always a huge hit and look so pretty.

Over 200 butter nuts. What the hell was I thinking?


Cream puffs stuffed with eggnog pudding, then drizzled with chocolate.


I also made Bridget’s German Spritz cookies, but forgot to take pictures. I’m not even going to get into the trouble I had with these. We’re just lucky I didn’t stab myself with the cookie press by the end of the night. In all fairness, Gigi was right. These are simply the best butter cookies ever, even surpassing my late grandmother’s recipe that we’ve been making for more than 40 years.

Ooh, how 'bout a bit of video?


Once everyone was gone, it was time to play Santa! This is what it looked like under and around the tree once we were finished. Holy presents, Santa!





I got absolutely no sleep that night and was woken up at 7:15 by two bouncing children. A couple of pics of them opening their goodies.

Madison got just what she wanted. The Littlest Pet Shop Fitness Center.


And Mikayla adores her Twilight t-shirt.


This is my favorite gift. A heater for me to use outside while blogging! Way to go, Jimmy! I loved the perfume at first (Armani Code), but after wearing it for two days I’ve found it’s way too strong, so will bring it back.


This is what the family room looked like after the gift -opening. I know there's furniture under there somewhere. Oy!


I cleared a bit of it up later in the day, and put all of the girls' joint gifts, and all of Mikayla's gifts in one spot. Oh yeah, Santa really rocked it this year!







I wish Santa would have put some Immodium in my stocking, because about the time I was supposed to be getting ready to go to my brother's house, along came the trots. Yep, lucky me. A mix of IBS, stress and no sleep gave me the poops! So I had to send Jimmy and the girls along, and I stayed home by my lonesome, missing out on all the fun at my brother's house! Waaaaaaaaaa! And with that last delightful thought, I will finally shut the hell up and let you go on your way. Hope all of you had the most wonderful of Christmases!!!!!