What My Younger Self Thought

It took me by surprise when I was going through a box the other day and, at the bottom was stashed one of my old journal notebooks.  I thought they had all perished in our first rental house years ago when we had a leak in the closet.  How this one was spared I do not know, and how it has escaped my notice for more than 10 years puzzles me too.

Anyway, I’m going to share with you a few entries from way back then.

Jan 23, 1992

It’s hard to describe the kind of hurt I feel now that Jimmy has gone home.  (I lived in FL at the time and he was still in NY)  More than almost anything in the world I want to be with him.  When he’s here we eat together, sleep   together and are constantly with each other.  When he leaves, I’ve got no one to share my time with.  I need that.  We’re an engaged couple that can’t enjoy this time before we’re married.  We still have almost two years before then and I don’t want to spend it apart.  If only I could move back to NY for a while to be with him; I’d be so much happier.  Unfortunately that’s just not a possibility.

I really can’t write more now—I hurt too much.

June 24, 1992

I’m now working at the Marriott (I’d moved from FL to NY and was living at Jimmy’s house, while he was living in the college dorm) and for the most part I like it.  I’m a room service operator and I work both mornings from 6:00-3:00 and nights from 4:30-12 or 1:00 a.m.  The hours are tough but mostly everyone is nice.  I have a lot of responsibility and I’ve got a lot more to learn but I supposed I’ll get used to it in time.

Jimmy and I are having some problems now, so needless to say, I’m unhappy.  I try to discuss how I feel with him but it’s like talking to someone without a brain.  He either takes everything as criticism or he tries to reverse the blame.  I told him that I really think we need some counseling, but he says he doesn’t have a problem.  Well, if you ask me, if I have a problem then we both have a problem.  Unfortunately he doesn’t see things that way.  I’m seriously considering going back to Florida.  I’d rather be down there and unhappy than be here and unhappy.  I don’t know what to do.  Jimmy has changed so much in the last few years.  He doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s pushing me away from him.  When it reaches the point when I just give up, we’re both going to be very unhappy.

I love him more than anything but at times like this I hate him too.  I’m going to try again to talk to him even though at this point I know it’s totally useless.

Sept 17, 1992

School is really destroying Jimmy’s personality.  He’s very snotty and he’s even been yelling at me a lot.  I don’t know how to deal with it so I usually wind up crying.  Mrs. O thinks it’s awful that we’re arguing so much before we’re even married.

Jimmy just can’t seem to take the pressure of school plus handle our relationship.  He has to stay focused this year.  Especially this semester.  But he shouldn’t be neglecting “us” the way he is.  These next 9 months or so are going to be very hard on me.  After he graduates in May, some of the pressure will be alleviated (hopefully) but until then I’m on my own.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet what our wedding date is.  Oct. 2nd, ‘93.  (This changed)

October 25, 1992

Right now I’m on the phone with Sinead and we’re reading each other parts of our journals.  Hers is a lot more interesting than mine!  She just told me about the time she heard Kerry and Timmy F------.  Yuck!  Imagine all that blubber flying!  Eww!

She doesn’t write about a lot of personal stuff like orgasms.  She’s afraid that someone will find her journal.  Who cares, right?

Nov. 15, 1993

Here I am, a married woman.  I almost can’t believe it.  Everything went perfect on our wedding day.  Everyone said it was a perfect wedding.  Jimmy and I had the best time of our lives!

Maui was really incredible.  We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful honeymoon.  Romantic too!  Being married is really great.  I hope we love this strong forever.

We have a new addition to our family.  A Siamese kitten named Stinky.  She’s a real cutie and we love her.

Well, not much time to write.  It’s late and my hubby awaits!

Feb. 6, 1994

Well, the honeymoon didn’t last long…

There was lots more in that particular entry, but I’ll spare you!  Let me just say that reading this one journal really brought back to me that the problems we have now actually started a long time before we even married.  If we weren’t dealing well with our relationship before the responsibility of marriage, Jimmy’s career and children, how the hell did we think we’d be any good at it after???

Okay, so this post was a bit on the depressing side, but hey, you know me.  I keep it real whether it’s happy, sad, or insane!  That’s just how Tiney rolls.  Here’s to hoping my next post is a lot more upbeat!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!