Thursday, April 9, 2009

What My Younger Self Thought

It took me by surprise when I was going through a box the other day and, at the bottom was stashed one of my old journal notebooks.  I thought they had all perished in our first rental house years ago when we had a leak in the closet.  How this one was spared I do not know, and how it has escaped my notice for more than 10 years puzzles me too.

Anyway, I’m going to share with you a few entries from way back then.

Jan 23, 1992

It’s hard to describe the kind of hurt I feel now that Jimmy has gone home.  (I lived in FL at the time and he was still in NY)  More than almost anything in the world I want to be with him.  When he’s here we eat together, sleep   together and are constantly with each other.  When he leaves, I’ve got no one to share my time with.  I need that.  We’re an engaged couple that can’t enjoy this time before we’re married.  We still have almost two years before then and I don’t want to spend it apart.  If only I could move back to NY for a while to be with him; I’d be so much happier.  Unfortunately that’s just not a possibility.

I really can’t write more now—I hurt too much.

June 24, 1992

I’m now working at the Marriott (I’d moved from FL to NY and was living at Jimmy’s house, while he was living in the college dorm) and for the most part I like it.  I’m a room service operator and I work both mornings from 6:00-3:00 and nights from 4:30-12 or 1:00 a.m.  The hours are tough but mostly everyone is nice.  I have a lot of responsibility and I’ve got a lot more to learn but I supposed I’ll get used to it in time.

Jimmy and I are having some problems now, so needless to say, I’m unhappy.  I try to discuss how I feel with him but it’s like talking to someone without a brain.  He either takes everything as criticism or he tries to reverse the blame.  I told him that I really think we need some counseling, but he says he doesn’t have a problem.  Well, if you ask me, if I have a problem then we both have a problem.  Unfortunately he doesn’t see things that way.  I’m seriously considering going back to Florida.  I’d rather be down there and unhappy than be here and unhappy.  I don’t know what to do.  Jimmy has changed so much in the last few years.  He doesn’t realize it yet, but he’s pushing me away from him.  When it reaches the point when I just give up, we’re both going to be very unhappy.

I love him more than anything but at times like this I hate him too.  I’m going to try again to talk to him even though at this point I know it’s totally useless.

Sept 17, 1992

School is really destroying Jimmy’s personality.  He’s very snotty and he’s even been yelling at me a lot.  I don’t know how to deal with it so I usually wind up crying.  Mrs. O thinks it’s awful that we’re arguing so much before we’re even married.

Jimmy just can’t seem to take the pressure of school plus handle our relationship.  He has to stay focused this year.  Especially this semester.  But he shouldn’t be neglecting “us” the way he is.  These next 9 months or so are going to be very hard on me.  After he graduates in May, some of the pressure will be alleviated (hopefully) but until then I’m on my own.  I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet what our wedding date is.  Oct. 2nd, ‘93.  (This changed)

October 25, 1992

Right now I’m on the phone with Sinead and we’re reading each other parts of our journals.  Hers is a lot more interesting than mine!  She just told me about the time she heard Kerry and Timmy F------.  Yuck!  Imagine all that blubber flying!  Eww!

She doesn’t write about a lot of personal stuff like orgasms.  She’s afraid that someone will find her journal.  Who cares, right?

Nov. 15, 1993

Here I am, a married woman.  I almost can’t believe it.  Everything went perfect on our wedding day.  Everyone said it was a perfect wedding.  Jimmy and I had the best time of our lives!

Maui was really incredible.  We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful honeymoon.  Romantic too!  Being married is really great.  I hope we love this strong forever.

We have a new addition to our family.  A Siamese kitten named Stinky.  She’s a real cutie and we love her.

Well, not much time to write.  It’s late and my hubby awaits!

Feb. 6, 1994

Well, the honeymoon didn’t last long…

There was lots more in that particular entry, but I’ll spare you!  Let me just say that reading this one journal really brought back to me that the problems we have now actually started a long time before we even married.  If we weren’t dealing well with our relationship before the responsibility of marriage, Jimmy’s career and children, how the hell did we think we’d be any good at it after???

Okay, so this post was a bit on the depressing side, but hey, you know me.  I keep it real whether it’s happy, sad, or insane!  That’s just how Tiney rolls.  Here’s to hoping my next post is a lot more upbeat!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

24 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Fragrant Liar

    Wibbit wibbit!

    Tiney, I love that you keep it so real and honest. And we have all been in situations like that. We just hope against hope for things to turn out the way we want them to because when we love someone so strongly, it's hard to imagine that the love won't carry you through to better days.


  • Shannon

    Keep it real, sister.

    I wouldn't have you any other way :)

    Ok, that kinda sounds weird...

  • Cathy

    Wow, It's great that you can share that with us. First off I don't write in a journal and if I did I sure wouldn't put it on her.. way to go girl.

  • Mrs. B. Silly

    Wow, it takes a lot of courage to share your deepest thoughts. It's really eye opening to see how your relationship was back then from your now older wiser perspective. Why can't we see things as clearly when we are young. Love is blind!!!!
    I don't think you had a fighting chance for a blissful marriage and that just makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I ache when you ache! If you cut us, do we not bleed? Okay, I'm starting to get silly now. lol
    You must rise above your circumstances and take care of your daughters and don't let them make the same mistake. Do everything you can to be sure that they end up with someone that is worthy of them.
    I'd like to know how Jimmy would feel about some guy treating one of his daughters the way he treats you!

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Makes me wonder why all of us ladies think that love will conquer all, and that marriage will make it all work. That's when it really starts getting hard!

    I too overlooked a lot of problems before I got married. One of these days soon I am going to blog about, inspired by your sister's recent blog post.

    Geesh, I would be insane to ever consider marriage again! Just watch me eat those words someday though, lol.


  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    Hang in there... ♥

  • ~Mary

    Oh my! I feel like I was reading something out of my own journal!!
    Luis and I did the long distance thing for over a year....then got married....why did we think thigs would be different when we married?!?! I've NO clue....
    se la vi....

  • Raxx - A day in the life

    No wonder you are such a natural blogger, journal keeping is a form of 'pre-computer' blogging.

    I dont think Jimmy is a total bad-guy, I think there is still hope for your marriage, but it is clear to me that you guys are very different, you are expressive and he isnt.

    I wonder if he'll agree to therapy?

    Just a thought.

    ps, I dont think this post was depressing, this thought provoking.

  • Ginger

    Hi Justine:
    I don't think your post was depressing at all, just honest feelings. I've been down that street too. I think we are so much in love, we overlook the bad things and years later, the bad things have eroded most of the passion we once felt.
    Hope you have a happy Easter.

  • Anonymous

    Why are husbands so dense? Mine is the same way. Like talking to a wall sometimes. And I tell him he needs counseling but he insists he doesn't.

  • mrsben were even writing way back then. I for one enjoy the creativity, purity and honesty of it. You have definitely missed your calling.

    Changing the subject, can 'we' talk? So many people feel 'background' doesn't matter.....well time for a reality check I say! In some 'schools of thought' it is believed, that a girl will marry their father, reason why many women do not see the 'RED flags' when they choose a partner. I am not saying that this theory necessarily applies to your situation, but it is something to consider.

    (You can pay the Receptionist on your way out.)

    Hugs, hugs -Brenda-

    P.S: Oh Strudel is sooooooooo adorable. Looking forward to seeing her grow in leaps 'n bounds.

  • Rachelle

    I tried to start journals when I was younger too but never kept up with it. Sorry to hear things are rough for you and Jimmy. Hang in there ~ thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts. You are an inspirational person.

  • Amy

    It takes a lot of courage to be "REAL"!

  • nikkicrumpet

    I'm sorry. It sucks for sure. I wish there was some way it could all be better for you. You deserve to be totally happy!

  • Sara's Sweet Surprise

    Oooooh, if we only knew then... what we know now.

    How's Puppylicious?

    I think the surprise giveaway should revolve around a TAPS tee (extra lrg) or cap!

    Sweet wishes,

  • Rhea

    That's so cool you found an old journal that survived moves and leaks. Hard to read or not, it's good to see how we were feeling at different times in our lives.

    My husband and I are having so many problems, and they do stem back to the beginning of our marriage and before. Damnit.

  • Secondary Roads

    Hey! Jill sent me!
    When I saw your family portrait, I thought it said "Lord" under you. And it made sense to me.
    -- Chuck 8-D

  • Michael

    I had this big, long, dramatic, touching, heartfelt comment typed up. Then I decided to delete it and just leave "men suck." Cause we do. LOL

    Woo hoo to the giveaway coming up :)

  • sue

    I love you Justiney!! Here's a big ole hug from me! (((((( hug)))))). Now sweetie, I have been married for 37 years, we knew each other just 4 months before we married. Been thru hell and back and things surely have mellowed with time and old age, I wish the same for you!! I really do!! xoxoxoxo Hope you all have a Happy Easter!

  • Anonymous

    There's no roller coaster like the roller coaster of marriage. Now that my kids are gone, there's no ignoring that fact. I felt your words, I really did.

  • SchmeckyGirl

    OMG! It was before you were married too?!?!? I'm in shock right now. I'm sorry you can't go back in time. But at least you got Madison and Mikayla and you wouldn't have them if you didn't get married.

  • Robin Costello (Delswife)

    I typed out a big long comment, then got booted off-line, damn it.

    Marriage is one of the hardest things in the world if you ask me. If Del and I stayed in Florida, there is no question in my mind that we would have ended up divorced.

    In the 11 years we have been together we have never had as many fights (really bad and ugly ones too) as we had while we lived there.

    I hope things get better for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. We all deserve to be happy.

    ((hugs from your friend in Maine))


  • NurseChessie

    okay, so I'm a little behind. I just read your post of journal entries. good stuff in there girl. soap opera good. wanna mail that to me for a few weeks??
    the entry about your wedding made me think back.. and of the whole day I have like 3 memories..
    #1 we stopped at 7-11 in the limo and our wedding garb for hot dogs because little jeffrey was hungry.
    #2 Jills boobs kept popping out of that bow thing the WHOLE night.
    #3 I remember how I was always around for everything at that age, appropriate or not.. and I remember that you had to pee sooo bad and somehow I was there the whole time through the ordeal of unbuttoning and the tinkling. lol.
    gotta tinkle myself now!
    love ya!

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    What a wonderfully thought-provoking post. I can relate to you - more than you know... :) Thanks for keeping it 'real'. :) ((HUGZ!!))