The Painama Canal

So my right ear has been pretty itchy lately.  So what do I do?  I stick my finger in there and wiggle it around really fast, as if I'm having a conniption, to try and relieve the itch.  Does it work?  Temporarily, but then the little bugger starts itching again, feeling like I have a few juicy worms wriggling around in there.

Saturday I sneezed at least 5 times.  I'm a rare sneezer.  It's just not my thing.  Hmph, I thought, maybe I'm coming down with a cold.

Sunday, my ear started itching even more fiercely and it was starting to hurt.  Badly.  I figured I'd just "ear-itated" (mine and Madison's word for when you've muffed up your ear) it with all that spastic wiggling I was doing.

But by later in the day it was also crackling and popping.  Not so much like I had Rice Krispies in there.  More like bubble wrap.  So now it's itchy, it's clogged, it's popping and I'm in pain.  So much so that sleeping on my right side was nearly impossible, and dammit, I'm a right-side sleeper!

Monday was more of the same.  Pain, snap, crackle, pop, and feeling in desperate need of Roto Rooter.  I emailed Ethel and asked if she could whip out her ear scope and let me know if I was just "earitated" or needed to see the doctor.  Well wouldn't you know she chose Sunday as the day to work in the garage, non-stop, not even taking a break to eat?  Or find her scope?  I walked over there to stare as she swung Christmas lights to and fro, all the while trying to look even more pitiful than I felt so that she would stop what she was doing and find that damn scope for me.  It didn't work.  She's impenetrable when she's on a mission.

So this morning I called my wonderful doctor and was able to get an appointment for 11:00.  By 11:30 I was on my way to CVS to pick up my drugs.  Drugs for a really bad, absolutely raging ear infection.  When Dr. Kaluza (she's from Poland and has the cutest accent.  Oh!  And her hubby is the office manager and he's cute and he has the cute accent too!  Swoon.) put that scope in my ear (she had no trouble finding hers, thank goodness) she said, "Oh, it's bad.  Bad bad."  Well that's encouraging!  She tells me my ear canal is vastly infected and so swollen that she could barely even glimpse my middle ear.  So, she gives me a prescription for heavy duty antibiotics (which I still haven't taken) and steroid drops to kill some of the swelling in there.

As soon as I got home I put the drops in my ear and laid down for a nap.  When I woke up and went downstairs for coffee, I sat here at my computer and heard and felt a POP and then... Ewwwwwwwwww.  Stuff came out of my ear.  Stuff you don't want in your ear, let alone coming out of it.  And blood.  Did I mention blood?  So yeah, now my ear drum is perforated.  But that's actually a good thing in my opinion because when it split open and spilled its goo, it took so much of the pressure off my ear and with it, the pain.  Yippeeee for torn ear drums!

So that's been my day.  How has yours been?

And before I go, may I just show you this picture I came upon in People Magazine?  It's Mo'Nique (is that spelling really necessary?) from the new movie, Precious.

Lovely, right?  Nice hair, good makeup, beautiful dress.

But do you notice something innately wrong here?  Come on, take a closer look.  It can't just be me that it popped out at.

Still don't see it?


Okay, how about now?

Uh huh, bitch got all dressed up fancy-like for her photo shoot but left the fur on her legs.  Don't get me wrong... it's winter, we can go weeks without shaving if we're wearing pants.  And not having photo shoots done for People Magazine.

Does she somehow imagine this is attractive?  At all appropriate when wearing a pretty dress and kick-ass pumps?  And having a photo shoot done with People Magazine???

Dear Mo'Nique,


I understand that your performance in Precious may win you Academy Award recognition.  I understand that it is your right to let the hair on your legs grow as long as your pubic hair.  But Mo'Nique, I'm pleading with you.  The next time you're to be photographed in a dress?  Break out the Epilady!!!


Folliclely yours,

Justine

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more

. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!