Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Painama Canal

So my right ear has been pretty itchy lately.  So what do I do?  I stick my finger in there and wiggle it around really fast, as if I'm having a conniption, to try and relieve the itch.  Does it work?  Temporarily, but then the little bugger starts itching again, feeling like I have a few juicy worms wriggling around in there.

Saturday I sneezed at least 5 times.  I'm a rare sneezer.  It's just not my thing.  Hmph, I thought, maybe I'm coming down with a cold.

Sunday, my ear started itching even more fiercely and it was starting to hurt.  Badly.  I figured I'd just "ear-itated" (mine and Madison's word for when you've muffed up your ear) it with all that spastic wiggling I was doing.

But by later in the day it was also crackling and popping.  Not so much like I had Rice Krispies in there.  More like bubble wrap.  So now it's itchy, it's clogged, it's popping and I'm in pain.  So much so that sleeping on my right side was nearly impossible, and dammit, I'm a right-side sleeper!

Monday was more of the same.  Pain, snap, crackle, pop, and feeling in desperate need of Roto Rooter.  I emailed Ethel and asked if she could whip out her ear scope and let me know if I was just "earitated" or needed to see the doctor.  Well wouldn't you know she chose Sunday as the day to work in the garage, non-stop, not even taking a break to eat?  Or find her scope?  I walked over there to stare as she swung Christmas lights to and fro, all the while trying to look even more pitiful than I felt so that she would stop what she was doing and find that damn scope for me.  It didn't work.  She's impenetrable when she's on a mission.

So this morning I called my wonderful doctor and was able to get an appointment for 11:00.  By 11:30 I was on my way to CVS to pick up my drugs.  Drugs for a really bad, absolutely raging ear infection.  When Dr. Kaluza (she's from Poland and has the cutest accent.  Oh!  And her hubby is the office manager and he's cute and he has the cute accent too!  Swoon.) put that scope in my ear (she had no trouble finding hers, thank goodness) she said, "Oh, it's bad.  Bad bad."  Well that's encouraging!  She tells me my ear canal is vastly infected and so swollen that she could barely even glimpse my middle ear.  So, she gives me a prescription for heavy duty antibiotics (which I still haven't taken) and steroid drops to kill some of the swelling in there.

As soon as I got home I put the drops in my ear and laid down for a nap.  When I woke up and went downstairs for coffee, I sat here at my computer and heard and felt a POP and then... Ewwwwwwwwww.  Stuff came out of my ear.  Stuff you don't want in your ear, let alone coming out of it.  And blood.  Did I mention blood?  So yeah, now my ear drum is perforated.  But that's actually a good thing in my opinion because when it split open and spilled its goo, it took so much of the pressure off my ear and with it, the pain.  Yippeeee for torn ear drums!

So that's been my day.  How has yours been?

And before I go, may I just show you this picture I came upon in People Magazine?  It's Mo'Nique (is that spelling really necessary?) from the new movie, Precious.

Lovely, right?  Nice hair, good makeup, beautiful dress.

But do you notice something innately wrong here?  Come on, take a closer look.  It can't just be me that it popped out at.

Still don't see it?

Okay, how about now?

Uh huh, bitch got all dressed up fancy-like for her photo shoot but left the fur on her legs.  Don't get me wrong... it's winter, we can go weeks without shaving if we're wearing pants.  And not having photo shoots done for People Magazine.

Does she somehow imagine this is attractive?  At all appropriate when wearing a pretty dress and kick-ass pumps?  And having a photo shoot done with People Magazine???

Dear Mo'Nique,

I understand that your performance in Precious may win you Academy Award recognition.  I understand that it is your right to let the hair on your legs grow as long as your pubic hair.  But Mo'Nique, I'm pleading with you.  The next time you're to be photographed in a dress?  Break out the Epilady!!!

Folliclely yours,


Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more
. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

21 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Shelia

    Oh Justiney! I'm so sorry to hear about your ear infection! They can really hurt and it's good you went on to the doctor instead of trying to tough it out! Hope it feels better really soon.
    Oh, that photo just ain't right! I didn't see it until you pointed it out! That just looks awful, doesn't it?
    Oh, I received your Christmas card! Too cute and thank you so much.
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Amy

    Oh.. I am feeling so sympathetic right now. I had a horrible ear infection back in Feb. and it was agony. Glad your feeling some relief, and the meds should help a lot.

    Oh.. and girl.. I don't live in OH.. I live in CAIN~TUCK~EE!!

  • Cole

    I knew you had an ear infection. THANK YOU for giving in and seeing a doctor!

    I saw that picture when People magazine showed up in my mailbox, and had to do a triple take. You look that nice and forget to shave your legs? DIPSHIT!! And People magazine - are you trying to make an example out of her? We both know that if you can airbrush other people, you can airbrush her legs!

  • Ginger

    Why didn't you start taking the antibiotics right away? Gotta kill the bacteria.
    When I was a kid, my eardrum ruptured from a raging infection and I was deaf in that ear for years. Hearing came back eventually. I hope you are feeling better soon. Don't want to be sick for the holidays.

  • Ginger

    PS I forgot to comment on hairy legs....ewwww

  • Jason, as himself

    The first part of this post describes how my crotch has been feeling lately. Nothing has been painful or bleeding, though. Thank heavens to Betsy.

  • Anonymous

    Haha, leg hair!

    Ouch, my ear hurts just thinking about it! Hope you're feeling better fast!

  • Jill

    Ok... Ouch to the ear but a bigger ouch to the FREAKIN LEGS! WTH??? WTH was she thinking?? that is gross! I didn't notice it right away and thank goodness I didn't because I was chewing on my dinner.. YUCK!

  • Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria

    Oh JUSTINE CAN YOU HEAR ME....I know I'm a smart ass...hey I'm old now and can get away with it ha ha!! hope your doing better my friend...Now about the hairy legs thing they would keep you warm in the winter....my grand daughter calls that leg warmers when you don't shave or that Euro look...Thanks for coming by girl...Hope all is warm on your side of the mountain my friend....Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

  • Cathy

    OMG your ear sounds terrible. I have heard of stuff coming out but never had the priveledge.. Oh hairy legs, Oh hairy legs..how lovely are thy STubbLE.. NO! That doesn't work..

  • Chocolate Covered Daydreams

    I thought you were going to show us a picture of the goo that came out of your ear. Whew!

    Take the meds....it won't help you if you don't take it.

  • santamaker

    Okay , gotta give you credit for the clever title! Now......um.....the rest of it is a little icky...early in the morning on an empty stomach! Hope you're feeling better soon!

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    OUCH! So sorry about your ear infection! I haven't ever had my eardrum perforated, but my aunt had such a bad infection once her eardrum burst - I hear it can be very painful! ((HUGZ!!)) Hope you feel better soon!

    And I concur with your observation and note to Mo'Nique! :)

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  • Bird Shit and Baby Caca

    Sorry to hear about your ear! Hope you feel better soon!

  • ♥Georgie♥

    ear infections are no fun....i hope you recover soon!

    I am dying about the fur on her legs statement too funny justine

  • Rachelle

    So sorry about your ear infection Justine! Glad you are feeling better!

    I cant believe that lady had her picture taken for People and didnt shave her legs! OMG!!

  • blueviolet

    The whole ear thing sounds just awful!! I'm sorry! Next time don't tell us about the popping goo parts though, k?

  • Tootsie

    girl...feel better...ear aches are the worst...and as for the leg hair....EWE!!!

  • Shelia

    Evening, Justiney! How are you feeling? I hope your ear is much better today! Thanks for popping in to see me. Well, Dear One, we both have shiny balls, don't we? :)
    You're a stinker.
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Sue

    OK, please take your antibiotics and keep up on the ear drops. Sounds like a gooey mess in there! And that leads me to the hairy legs. Ewww, icky mess.