Proof of How I Wasted 2009 on Facebook

Well, we're just on the cusp of 2010 and instead of truly sitting back and reflecting on the things I've accomplished this year, there's nothing I thought it would be more fun (for me anyway) to look back at the updates I posted on Facebook in 2009.

If you've yet to add me as a Facebook friend, this is the kind of stuff you've been missing.

.... ACHOO! Need I say more?


is tongueing her new cold sore

thinks everyone is jealous because I have a GENUINE Slanket.

got another cold sore. This time from the snausages rubbing up against the skin between the nose and mouth. Ugh.

is listening to John and Tracy's corgis yap yap yapping, and Chuck and Larry's poms yip yip yipping. It's like my own personal rooster, sans cockadoodledoo

is wondering why Strudel thinks her poop tastes good.

has to pee but is too lazy to get up.

is wondering why Jill even came here if all we're going to do is email and facebook while sitting across the table from each other.

is ready to kill 3 of the 4 kids in the house, castrate the hubby in his sleep, pour water over the sister's head, and run away!!!!!!

is wondering how long it will take Strudel to squirt out all the tapeworm in her belly. I'm being buried in dog poop!

Hello, North Florida? The Pacific Northwest is calling. They'd like their rain back.

Is wondering that once it hits 5:00, should she even bother showering for the day? Okay, don't answer that. I'm going, i'm going!

thinks Florida's sunshine is overrated. I wanna move to Seattle!

just covered herself from neck to toe in bug juice and took the dog out for less than a minute. I am now sporting an enormous skeeter bite near my ass, two on my neck and one on my FACE! Argh! Forget Seattle. I'm moving to ICELAND!

is watching two lizards getting it on in the screen room. Interesting...

just yowled because Strudel jumped on my lap and bit the most sensitive part of my booby! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa

had to laugh. On the phone with Mom yesterday. She said, "You're working on what? Huh?" And in the background my father yelling, "Oh, tell her to cut the shit with that stupid farm crap!" I love my family!

is currently enjoying Mikayla peeling my back. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... dead skin's a flyin'

The gang is playing washers and getting eaten alive by attack skeeters, even with spray on. My dad just said, "This will be the first game ever called for mosquitos." Heeheeheee

	is idly watching the loud, fat Italian family swooping down on a whole watermelon. It ain't pretty folks. It ain't pretty.

is wondering if I have to shower and put on a bra to bring Madison up to the amenities center for her swimming lessons. Yes? That's what I thought.

forgot just how noxious dog farts can be, how they can permeate every corner of a room. Is it twisted that I kind of enjoy it?

is amazed that her sister actually believes that 20 minutes after the hour, and 20 minutes before each hour, there is a lull... a quietness all throughout the world. She's actually upset that I'm laughing at her.

is listening to Mikayla and Jill Skyping when they're only 8 feet apart.

Note to self: Do not scoop poop on sprinkler days. Repeat. Do NOT scoop poop on sprinkler days.

, at 10:15 p.m., decided she could no longer take the ungodly heat and jumped in Grisel's pool. Fully clothed. With a pack of cigarettes in her pocket. Oops.

has a hoo-hoo exam today. Blechhhhhhhhhh

Arghhh! Strudel ate one of my favorite flip-flops!!!

Jill's stupid of the day? She thought pineapples grew upside-down. DOH

wants to take a ride on your disco stick

just brought Strudel out to go potty. She went into psycho mode, jumped up and bit my nipple. Yes, my NIPPLE!

inner thigh! She got my inner thigh! Owwwwwwwwwww

is Skyping with Jill. she just let out a burp and my keyboard VIBRATED from it!

 must clean. Must get her fat ass off this chair and clean the house.

she ate a purple pen, a plastic hanger, a piece of paper towel, a receipt, and my NEW Nike flip-flops! All within the span of an hour.

has just plucked enough man hairs off my face to knit a small sweater. If the growth pattern is any indication, I may be shaving my chest within the next few years.

Dear Mother Nature, If I understand correctly, we are now on the cusp of autumn. I do understand that I live in a sub-tropical climate but I must say that 93 degrees in September is just unacceptable! Would you PLEASE turn down the the damn thermostat? Sweatily Yours, Justine

Could all of you do me a favor? Find the nearest weapon and use it to put me out of my misery? Thank you soooooo much!

cannot believe her dog. She ate 1/3 of the cover of one of my books, then stole the remote, then took my cell phone. Help meeeeeee

dog ate my cell phone

with all the crud going around, after a trip to the library I feel like I need a Silkwood kinda shower.

my brand new Samsung Behold phone? She ate the damn charger. I shit you not.

She escaped the kitchen again. This time? She ate a pen, a pencil, gnawed on the remote and ate a chapstick.

the skin on my legs looks totally reptilian.

it's so funny watching Strudel chasing lizards around the perimeter of the screen room. She rarely catches one, but oops... she just did.

OMG, I am in major lust with Mr. Shu on Glee. Yum yum yum!

hypothetical question: If one accidentally cooked some styrofoam from the meat packaging in the crockpot with her stew, would she be poisoning her family? Just hyptothetically speaking, of course.

Hmmm... when I press down just under my right ear, it sounds like I've got bubble wrap in there.

what do you do when your dog has eaten your library book?

why do I hear bagpipes?

just stepped in dog poop.

new snausages coming Friday morning. Strudel ate my other ones.

really need to cut my toe nails. Too lazy to do so. Also, when you're this fat it's kinda hard to get at them. Maybe I'll ask Strudel to gnaw on them.

hears many drunk men singing. Husband just may be one of them.

is at Jill's house, listening to Jimmy play a very pink and girly Disney guitar. With a Hannah Montana pick.

See?  You need to add me as your Facebook friend or you'll miss all the enlightening things I write about.  There were so many more, but I figured I could only torture my blogging friends so much before they stop following me.

Happy New Year!!!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Gravity Defying Boobies and a Minnesota Moose

So the other day I had a haircut appointment with Larry and needed to run some errands afterward.  I actually got dressed, wore real shoes (meaning not flip flops or Crocs) and even did my makeup.  I tried for a smoky-eye look but wound up looking more like a corpse.  Oh well, lesson learned.

I also wore my new purple bra.  Now when I ordered this thing I didn't realize it was lightly padded.  If there's one thing a chick with DDs does not need, it's extra padding.  But holy cow, I put this puppy on and my girls looked as perky as they did when they were just babies and only a 36 C!

What I thought was perky was actually unnaturally high.  Madison came in my room and said, "Mommy, why are your boobies all the way up there?"  I said, "It's my new bra!  Nice, huh?"  She didn't respond.

So, I'm sitting in Larry's chair and he's whacking away with the razor. I looked in the mirror and saw how ridiculous my ta-tas looked.  I remarked on it to Larry and he said, "Yeah, I was going to ask you about that.  One wrong move and you'll choke yourself."

At one point Sasha came over to show me the hot Fergie boots Larry had just given her for Christmas.  Mister Comedian said, "You missed it.  Justine hiccupped and nearly poked both her eyes out."

Yeah.  I'm rethinking wearing this bra ever again.

So, after my haircut and then nearly 3 hours of errands where most of that time was spent in traffic, I came home and found a package all the way from Minnesota!  Do you know who lives in Minnesota?  Cindy, from Love From Minnesota, that's who!

Cindy lives in this fabulous log cabin home right on a lake.  It's just stunningly beautiful.  And, at her front door she has this enormous moose to greet you.  From the first time I visited her blog, I fell in love with that damn moose.  So, after nearly every comment I've ever left on her blog, I've ended it with something like, "Where's my moose?"  "Send me the moose!"  "I want the moose!"

Obviously Cindy couldn't just pack up her solid wood gigantic moose and mail it to me.  Not that she would even if she could.  I mean, the thing is that cute.  If it were mine, I'd take out an insurance policy on it.

But she did the next best thing!  She sent me a moose Christmas ornament!  O.M.G.  If you could have seen my reaction when I opened that box!  I took the little moose and held it to my cheek, murmuring how much I loved him and would treasure him forever.  Jimmy thought I'd cracked my head or something, but I didn't care.  I plopped down on the coffee table in front of him and said, "Take my picture with the moose!  NOW!"

Never mind that Larry hadn't styled my hair. Never mind that I had corpse eyes.  Never mind that I looked haggard after my traffic experiences.  I had to journal this wonderful moment!

Don't we look so happy together?

You can't really tell in this picture, because I'm hunched over.  But had I been sitting up straight, I probably would have knocked the camera out of Jimmy's hands with my boobs.

Anyway, I loves my moose!  Cindy, if you haven't seen the comment I left on your blog, or the email I sent you the other day, thank you thank you thank you, from the bottom of my heart!!!!  I will love and treasure him forever!

Now someone, help me pick out a name for him!

 Merry Christmas my friends!!!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Merry HanuKwanMas

Maybe I'm wrong to be annoyed by the following, it's definitely possible, but the fact of the matter is, I am annoyed and therefore felt the need to talk about it.

Lately, several people on my Facebook friends list have been posting their updates with the following message:

Don't wanna hear happy holidays, or season's greetings, if you can't wish me a "MERRY CHRISTMAS", then don't wish me anything at all! If you agree and believe in Christ, copy and paste this as your status! MERRY CHRISTMAS from our house to yours .

Now, you bet your ass that I believe in Christ, that I love him as my Savior and that Christmas is all about Him.  I love being told "Merry Christmas", as I'm sure most of you do too.  

But.

Of course there's a "but" in here!

Are there not several holidays celebrated in the month of December?  Two others that I'm aware of are Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.   Why should we as "Christians" assume that this whole holiday season is only about Christmas?

Saying "Happy Holidays" is not undermining our own personal beliefs and traditions; it is encompassing and respecting other people's beliefs and traditions and letting them know that what they believe is just as important, and their celebrations just as significant as ours.

So yeah, I find it mildly offensive to see a "Christian" write, "If you can't wish me a Merry Christmas, don't wish me anything at all!"  Not exactly the best Christian attitude to show if you ask me. 

On Facebook I left a reply to one of these messages saying, "How can a stranger tell what holiday you celebrate just by looking at you?"  There was no reply, of course.

So, sorry peeps, but if you're a complete stranger to me and you've not decorated your person in Christmas trees and reindeer antlers, I'm going to wish you a Happy Holiday.  Or maybe I'll start using my new holiday greeting.   

 

Merry HanaKwanMas!!!

 

 

 

 

 

If that happens to offend you, you can take your mistletoe and stick it up your supercilious ass!

 

How do you feel about this?  Happy Holidays, or Merry Christmas?  Or does it not matter either way?

In other news, Georgie gave all us Secret Santas the OK to tell who we bought for.  I had the pleasure of buying for Kim, over at My Toes Are Claustrophobic.  Is that not the coolest blog name ever?  From her post, it sounds like she really appreciated what I sent and that put a HUGE smile on my face.  I linked her blog to that post in case you wanted to see.  This was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again next year.  A huge thank you to Georgie and Amy!!!!!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Foodie Friday: Italian Petit Fours (Rainbow cookies)

Today I am joining our most talented and lovely Michael, from Designs By Gollum, for her Foodie Friday meme.  Thanks for letting me play, Michael!

Just recently I made a family favorite that is requested by all year after year.  I originally got this recipe from my friend Lori, from my 1997 email loop, and have been making it every Christmas for quite some time.  Lori says they're easy to make.  I say they're not hard to make, but they're a royal pain in the ass.  Absolutely worth it though!

4 Eggs
1 Cup flour
1 Cup sugar
2 sticks butter, melted
1 tsp. almond extract
6 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 Tbl. vegetable oil
Apricot preserves
red and green food coloring
3 pans, size 10x7x2 (weird size pan, but it's important to get this size)


Preheat oven to 350.
Grease and flour your 3 pans.


Melt butter and let cool. Beat eggs with mixer and gradually add sugar. Add flour gradually, then melted butter and almond extract. Beat until batter is smooth.

Using a measuring cup (because you are going to think you don't have enough batter), measure out 1 cup of batter 3 times and put each into a separate bowl. Use 8 drops or so of green food coloring in one bowl, red in another, and leave the 3rd.

Pour each batter into a pan, smoothing it out to the sides and corners. It's going to be very thin.

Bake for 10 minutes, then cool on a rack for 10 minutes. The cakes will look shiny because of all the butter in the recipe.

Once cooled, turn red cake over onto waxed paper and cover with a THIN layer of apricot preserves. I always remove any lumps of apricot. You basically just want enough to put a moistening sheen on the cake.

Put white cake over red, apply apricot preserves.

Put green cake over white, and then using your hands, press the layers together well.

Melt your chocolate chips with the oil in the microwave. I stop and stir every 30 seconds. Using a spatula, smooth chocolate over the green layer of cake. Put in freezer for 5 or 10 minutes (flash freeze) until chocolate hardens. Take out, turn over, and smooth chocolate onto red side. Flash freeze, remove from freezer, and cut into squares.

You're done!

 And if you did it right, you'll have something that looks similar to this!

 

These are truly delicious.  If you try them, please let me know!!!  Merry Christmas all!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Oh Glory!!! Actually... Oh GLORIA!!!

Have you ever had the urge to tackle your mail carrier and slather them with wet, sloppy kisses?  No?  Well, I have, and today was one of those days.  I'm sure my neighbors wouldn't think too much of seeing me run-waddle across the lawn, my arms thrown wide in preparation for a huge postal bear hug.  I doubt they'd even be surprised if I did so in bare feet and no bra on, boobies flying to and fro.  They might find it a little strange to watch me throw myself at the mail carrier and start smooching away for only one reason. 

My mail carrier is a chick. 

An old, ugly chick at that. 

I think she's even missing a few teeth.

But that's neither here nor there because today I loves her so much that I'd consider the whole tackle-hug thing. Minus the sloppy kisses for cripe's sake.  Even I will only go so far! Why do I loves her so much today?  Because she delivered a surprise package to me!!!!

Do you recognize the handwriting?

And who the hell would be calling me, sweet?

Well Gloria, of course!!!!  Our very own, much beloved, antique-hoarding, craft-crazy Gloria from Happy To Be!!!

Look what she sent me!  Nay, not just what she sent me, but what she made, especially for me!!!

All of blogland must have heard me let out a Picket girly squeal, right?  Is this not gorgeous?  Gloria took a pine cone right from off her mountaintop, sprayed it all pretty and then dazzled it up with beads and ribbon and a beautiful cardinal and made it into one of her famous tassels.  Me loves!!!

I'm not sure where I'm going to put it yet... hung it here on my beautiful apothecary jar from Sara to get good lighting for the pictures.  It has to go somewhere very special and definitely somewhere that Strudel won't take notice of it and eat it.

Isn't it just beautiful?  Looking at it makes my heart sing!  Gloria, you are a sister of my heart.  Now don't go telling me you're too old to be my sister, because you've got more oomph and energy than most people my age.  So if I say you're my sister, that's what you are dammit!

I really don't know how to thank you enough, or express to you just how much this means to me.  Every time I look at it I will think of you with love and warm fuzzy feelings.

I love you, sister!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Since I Don't Have a Mantel...

Hello?  Hellooooooooo???  Is anybody out there?  Boy oh boy, visits to SIASD sure have been few and far between these past few weeks.  Yeah yeah yeah, everyone is busy with the holidays, I know.  But come on, cut me a break here.  I'm feeling lonely!  I want my bloggy comments back.   And to be perfectly honest, it's frustrating and makes me mad that there are blogs I comment on nearly every. single. day. and many of those people do not extend the same courtesy.  There is a thing called blog etiquette people!  I could be really bitchy and just stop visiting those blogs, but I happen to enjoy all of them, so I can't do that.  But... I can start to name the names of the lame commenters!  Bwaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

*Jumping down off my bitch box*

So, as I was going to say, I don't have a fireplace in this house, so I decorated the top of my entertainment center instead.  I tried Artie's add more add more add more, but I don't think I have it down pat.  I just don't have that much stuff, and certainly not the beautiful kinds of things he decorates with.

And now that I'm looking at the pictures, I really do need to get rid of that fake plant for the holiday season.  Totally out of place.

I love that white ceramic Christmas tree.  I just picked it up 60% off at Kohl's and now I regret not getting the other similar pieces.  Ugh.

I set aside all the lower branches that Jimmy trimmed off the bottom of our tree so I could have some live greenery in the room.  I with I'd had enough to make a garland for around the sliding glass door, but alas, there wasn't enough.  Also, Frasier fir isn't the easiest to make flowing garlands with.

Hope all of you are enjoying the anticipation of Christmas just around the corner.  I'm trying to get my butt in gear with the baking but it's been a slowwwww process this year.  Someone light a torch under my ass!

Here is what I made yesterday.  Rainbow petit fours.  I may share the recipe on Foodie Friday, so keep your eyes open!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Christmas Time Is Here

I've finally started my Christmas baking!  Okay, so I baked one thing only, but still, better than nothing, right?  Of course, I made the easiest thing on my list, the ultra fattening, clog- your- arteries- with- one- bite cheesecake.  Just think about it.  Among other things, 7 eggs, 24 oz. of sour cream and 32 oz. of cream cheese.  Sounds kinda rich, no?

This year I think I'm going to put blackberry pie filling on top but I'm still not sure.  I did the cool swirly thing with red and green food coloring.  It looks ridiculous from the top, but when I slice it open it'll be gorgeous!

 I wasn't very happy when the first brand new cream cheese I opened looked like this.

Didn't expire until March, so WTF?  That's what you get when you buy your baking supplies at Wal-Mart, I guess.  Lesson learned!  I sent an email to Kraft and am waiting to hear back from them.  Gross.

We finally got our tree Saturday night!  Of course, we had to pick the one day of the week where we'd had nothing but rain.  A usually empty dirt lot, plus lots and lots of mulch, plus lots of rain = yuck.

Here's the tree lot.

Everyone walking ahead of me as usual.  Look at how wet and boggy it is!

So, we did a bit of looking around and just as Jimmy yelled that he found the one, I stepped in a deep, squishy, muddy hole of water.  Ah, that sure did feel good!  NOT!

But look at the attitude I walk into, both Mikayla and Jimmy.  Lovely.

Well, that's the tree we got, and with soggy, cold feet (although it was in the 60s that night) I took some pictures of Charlie (hey, I like to know the name of the person I'm handing over $100 to!) as he worked his magic with a large power tool.

Too bad he has no ass to speak of.

 

Yippee!  Now we could leave and pick up our pizza next door.  But first, we must look at my feet ensconced in my ugly (wet) shoes.

I have no idea what Jimmy was pointing at here, but I figured if I could get a picture of him in a Santa hat I'd better take the opportunity and just snap.  See how big the tree is?  We (he) actually had to snip some off the top to be able to put the star on.

I'm a white lights kinda girl, but the kids love colored lights, so that's what we go with.  Mikayla was testing all of them for us.

Am I the only one that thinks the star should go on last?

 

And here she is, all decked out.  I would so love to use tinsel... we haven't done that in years, but with Strudel I don't think it'd be such a great idea.  Heeheehee!

Nope, this is definitely not a designer tree.  Sure, there are some beautiful ornaments on there like Lenox and Murano, but mostly it's stuff the kids have made, stuff I've made, and stuff that my '97 email loop have made over the years.  Lots of memories on that tree.

This is my very favorite ornament.  A Lenox moose.  See Cindy, told ya I love the little boogers!

My one Murano ornament that Jimmy picked up in Italy while on business.

Gotta love a red coffee mug, right BJ?

I love this next one, made by my good friend Janet who is part of my 1997 email loop.  Look at all the work she put into it.  Awwwwww.

This is our newest edition.

Here's a pic of my lower banister.  I never did get around to doing the other, but it is decorated with a stuffed elf and Santa that Jimmy stuck between the rails.

That's my little kitchen tree, decorated in black and gold.

Close-up of the berries I got at Hobby Lobby for only .50 a bunch.  Love these things!

That's about all I have to report, Christmas-wise but I do have one more picture to share.  Our good friend from Tampa, Adam, was in the area on business last week and stopped by the house one night.  I haven't seen him in three years and it was great to clap eyes on him and catch up on life.  I actually got Jimmy to take a picture with him, knowing full well I'd post it here.  Adam was very excited to become famous.  On my blog.  Yaright!

Nice.  Strudel is licking the kitchen table.  What is with this damn dog?

Anyone want a golden retriever?

Is My Secret Santa Single? 'Cause If She Is, I'm Willing to Switch Teams For Her.

I'm not sure who my Secret Santa from Georgie and Amy's Secret Santa Soiree is, but holy crap, I hit the jackpot with her!  We all had a limit.  A $20 limit.  Basically she hit it with the shipping!  And then... then I open this box filled to the brim with wonderful goodies!   Oh my goodness, I was doing Gloria's happy dance again!

I forgot myself and ripped open the package before taking a picture of it.  Well, I couldn't really rip it because it had miles and miles of the most unusual turquoise colored tape on it and it was some really sticky stuff.  But, I did manage to get hold of myself and grabbed the camera just in the nick of time.

Look at how cute she decorated the package!  Notice, she even drew a snowman and then put a snowman head sticker atop his cute body.

Artistic, right?

Then I slowly tore through that bitch like there was no tomorrow opened the box to find this...

 Look at all that pretty, sparkling paper!

Soooooooo sweet...

 I was just about to rip into those two puppies when I turned them over and found this...

Yep, she even thought to send something for each of the girls!  Mikayla was more than happy to pose for a picture with her pretty trinket box, but Madison, although completely thrilled said, "No pictures!"

Look Elizabeth!  My other kid is wearing your bracelet too!

My secret Santa loves me.  I mean, really loves me.  'Cause look at all this loot!!!

"J" Post-Its...

The most adorable metal mermaid that I hung on Gregory Peck for her shot.  And oops, I got Strudel's furry ass in the picture. 

A little bottle of yummy smelling antibacterial, but I didn't take a picture of that because, well... it's antibacterial stuff!

I have wanted one of these flameless candles for a while now, but every time I pick one up I say, "Naw, I'm not going to spend $10 on that right now.  But look!  Now I don't hafta!!!

Look at those two adorable snow people embracing!

And soooo pretty when it's living with my other snow people and turned on!

Ooh!  And look at these!  Four of them!  I haven't decided where to put them yet but I love love loves them!!!  Can you love snowman place mats, Shelia?  You bet your melting snowball you can!

And oh my goodness, I loved these on the spot, even though I had no clue what I would do with them.  But then it hit me.... berries!

Is this not the coolest thing?  Five little bottles with snow flakes, all held in a metal holder.  Don't the berries look great in there?  I'm going to get some of that fake snow stuff and put it in the bottles to hide the stems.  I LOVES THESE!!!!!

So did I make out like a bandit, or what?

Dear Secret Santa,

I don't know who you are or if you're married.  I am, but that can be changed, because after seeing all the love and thought you put into this package, I'm ready to take a leap of faith and become a lesbian.  I also see that you're from Massachusetts.  I've heard your state is beautiful and if I moved in with you we could enjoy long snowy nights by the fire, admiring all my goodies.  I mean the goodies in the box!  No!  No!  The cardboard box, you tart!  Ahem, as I was saying.  I love snow.  I love presents.  I love ocean breezes and cozy nights by the fire.  If you're willing, I'm willing.  Just putting it out there for ya!

Love love love,

Your Secret Santa Recipient

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!