Nope, what's really been worrying me is that I thought she'd lost her stupid.
This may be hard for you to understand, but it was scary for me. How could I survive my days without hearing Jill mangle the English language? How could I enjoy any time I have with her if she's acting like a normal person? It didn't bear thinking about, but think about it I did, because she seemed to have gone at least two months without saying anything to put me in stitches, or at the very least just shake my head with pity.
My God, Jill has lost her stupid!!!
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she'd find it again while in the midst of worry over our mother. But it seems that my mother's stroke, while not affecting her own speech patterns, did indeed affect Jill's cognitive ability. What's that saying about God closing a door but opening a window? It's kinda like that, I think.
I have examples too, which just tickles me to no end. And get this. It's not only Jill who got her stupid back, but Mom and Dad too! Woot woot!
Anyway, Jill always does the driving when we're not close to my house. She was kind of drifting over to the left from her lane, but not really with any intentions I could see. Finally I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" She said, "I'm making a useD turn."
While sitting in Cracker Barrel I said, "Wow, could these chairs be any less comfortable?"
Jill: "I don't know, but my crotch has pins and needles."
Wow, hoo hoo talk at the table and I learned something new. Had no clue your hooch could fall asleep from lack of circulation.
Then, all in one sentence, no break even for a breath she says, "Geez, my hand is killing me should I get the biscuits or sausage?"
The last Jill stupid isn't even anything she said, but what she did. She was driving me home Thursday night, as usual with her cell phone tucked into her bra (boob tooth, remember?). I glanced over at her and did a double-take. She was plucking her face while driving on I-95.
What the pluck???
Me: "Jill, what the hell are you doing? You can't hope to grab any hairs when you're not looking in the mirror."
Jill: "That's okay. Accidentally pinching my skin keeps me awake while I'm driving."
Some people open a window. Others drink coffee or turn up the radio. Jill? She plucks.
Okay, enough about Jill. Let's turn to Mom. The day she was released from the hospital she insisted on coming out to eat with Dad and I. She would not be deterred. She'd had enough of being sedentary. So, I'm sitting across the table from them when Mom gets this strange look on her face while staring at something behind my back.
She then says, "Justine, I don't know if there's something wrong with my eyes from the stroke, but that woman behind you has two sets of toes."
Mom: "That woman has two sets of toes on each foot, one set behind the other! They're pink! Look!"
Dad, very serious, "Gin, are you feeling okay?"
Mom: "Would you just look!"
I turned around but the woman was at an angle to me. The only feet I could see were those of her son, sitting across from her and his feet looked just fine.
Mom: "Justine, you have to get up and look under their table. Please!" *Giggling*
Dad: "Ginny, would you stop, they're going to hear you!"
Mom: "Hey Justine, if I throw this spoon you can go pick it up and then casually look at the woman's feet."
Me: "Mom, do not throw...."
Mom: *throws spoon within 2 feet of woman's table* *Laughing like a hyena*
As I'm bending down: "I'm picking up the spoon but I am not looking!"
Mom: "Gee, thanks! I swear she's got two sets of toes!"
Somehow we got through dinner without further incident, but I did catch mom staring under that other table several times. I swear, sometimes she acts like such a child. But as we were leaving the restaurant, I was able to glance back and look at the woman's feet. Oh. My. God. My mother is an idiot!!!!"
Me: "Mom? That chick does not have two sets of toes."
Me: "Yes really, Mom, she must have just had a manicure. She was wearing pink toe separators."
*Three of us cracking up*
The next day the three of us were sitting outside while Mom was on the phone. At one point she lifted her arm to touch her hair and I could not believe my eyes. As soon as she got off the phone, I said, "Mom, when's the last time you shaved your pits?"
Mom: "I don't know, why?"
Me: "Well, your pit hair is so long we could probably braid and bead them. You look like you just came off the show, Survivor."
About half an hour later, as she passed by my chair she quickly lifted up her arm to flash me her jungle pit.
Is this normal? Do your 64 year old moms do this kind of thing?
So Thursday morning I'm chatting with my dad and he's telling me about a segment they did on the Today Show about how fattening movie theater popcorn is. He explained that most theaters use cheap coconut oil to pop with. But, in classic let's-insert-my-own-words dad-style, he said:
"But some movie theaters use the healthier, granola oil."
Me: "Do you mean canola oil, Dad?"
Dad: "Isn't that what I said? Cannoli oil?"
Then I lost it.
You just never know what's going to come out of the mouth of a Ferrara. I swear, when I'm with them I should have a voice-activated recorder strapped to my neck because I doubt anyone would really believe this shit just 'cause I'm telling you.
I also learned of what I believe is a new phenomena in the 55 and older communities. They've taken going out to lunch to a whole new place, literally. My parents' neighbors, Roland and Carol told me their favorite place to go for lunch is...
the local hospital's cafeteria.
They say it's super cheap (you can get a loaded baked potato for $2.49!) and the food is delicious!
If I ever utter the words, " Hey, I'm hungry. Wanna take a ride up to Baptist South for lunch?", just kill me on the spot.
Pssst! If you love me, you might love my