Sunday, November 22, 2009

She's Bringin' Stupid Back

I have to tell you, I've been worried about Jill these past few months.  No, not because she's going through a divorce from a lecherous monster.  I have all faith that she can endure that whole drama and come out on top.

Nope, what's really been worrying me is that I thought she'd lost her stupid. 

This may be hard for you to understand, but it was scary for me.  How could I survive my days without hearing Jill mangle the English language?  How could I enjoy any time I have with her if she's acting like a normal person?  It didn't bear thinking about, but think about it I did, because she seemed to have gone at least two months without saying anything to put me in stitches, or at the very least just shake my head with pity.

My God, Jill has lost her stupid!!!

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she'd find it again while in the midst of worry over our mother.  But it seems that my mother's stroke, while not affecting her own speech patterns, did indeed affect Jill's cognitive ability.  What's that saying about God closing a door but opening a window?  It's kinda like that, I think.

I have examples too, which just tickles me to no end.  And get this.  It's not only Jill who got her stupid back, but Mom and Dad too!  Woot woot!

Anyway, Jill always does the driving when we're not close to my house.  She was kind of drifting over to the left from her lane, but not really with any intentions I could see.  Finally I asked, "What the hell are you doing?"  She said, "I'm making a useD turn."

While sitting in Cracker Barrel I said, "Wow, could these chairs be any less comfortable?" 

Jill:  "I don't know, but my crotch has pins and needles."

Wow, hoo hoo talk at the table and I learned something new.  Had no clue your hooch could fall asleep from lack of circulation.

Then, all in one sentence, no break even for a breath she says, "Geez, my hand is killing me should I get the biscuits or sausage?"

The last Jill stupid isn't even anything she said, but what she did.  She was driving me home Thursday night, as usual with her cell phone tucked into her bra (boob tooth, remember?).  I glanced over at her and did a double-take.  She was plucking her face while driving on I-95.

What the pluck???

Me:  "Jill, what the hell are you doing?  You can't hope to grab any hairs when you're not looking in the mirror."

Jill:  "That's okay.  Accidentally pinching my skin keeps me awake while I'm driving."

Some people open a window.  Others drink coffee or turn up the radio.  Jill?  She plucks.

Okay, enough about Jill.  Let's turn to Mom.  The day she was released from the hospital she insisted on coming out to eat with Dad and I.  She would not be deterred.  She'd had enough of being sedentary.  So, I'm sitting across the table from them when Mom gets this strange look on her face while staring at something behind my back. 

She then says, "Justine, I don't know if there's something wrong with my eyes from the stroke, but that woman behind you has two sets of toes."

Me:  "Huh?"

Mom:  "That woman has two sets of toes on each foot, one set behind the other!  They're pink! Look!"

Dad, very serious, "Gin, are you feeling okay?"

Mom:  "Would you just look!"

I turned around but the woman was at an angle to me.  The only feet I could see were those of her son, sitting across from her and his feet looked just fine.

Mom:  "Justine, you have to get up and look under their table.  Please!"  *Giggling*

Dad:  "Ginny, would you stop, they're going to hear you!"

Mom:  "Hey Justine, if I throw this spoon you can go pick it up and then casually look at the woman's feet."

Me:  "Mom, do not throw...."

Mom:  *throws spoon within 2 feet of woman's table*  *Laughing like a hyena*

As I'm bending down:  "I'm picking up the spoon but I am not looking!"

Mom: "Gee, thanks!  I swear she's got two sets of toes!"

Somehow we got through dinner without further incident, but I did catch mom staring under that other table several times.  I swear, sometimes she acts like such a child.  But as we were leaving the restaurant, I was able to glance back and look at the woman's feet.  Oh.  My.  God.  My mother is an idiot!!!!"

Me:  "Mom?  That chick does not have two sets of toes."

Mom:  "Really?"

Me:  "Yes really, Mom, she must have just had a manicure.  She was wearing pink toe separators." 

*Three of us cracking up*

The next day the three of us were sitting outside while Mom was on the phone.  At one point she lifted her arm to touch her hair and I could not believe my eyes.  As soon as she got off the phone, I said, "Mom, when's the last time you shaved your pits?"

Mom:  "I don't know, why?"

Me:  "Well, your pit hair is so long we could probably braid and bead them.  You look like you just came off the show, Survivor."

About half an hour later, as she passed by my chair she quickly lifted up her arm to flash me her jungle pit.

Is this normal?  Do your 64 year old moms do this kind of thing?

So Thursday morning I'm chatting with my dad and he's telling me about a segment they did on the Today Show about how fattening movie theater popcorn is.  He explained that most theaters use cheap coconut oil to pop with.  But, in classic let's-insert-my-own-words dad-style, he said:

"But some movie theaters use the healthier, granola oil."

Me:  "Do you mean canola oil, Dad?"

Dad:  "Isn't that what I said?  Cannoli oil?"

Then I lost it.

You just never know what's going to come out of the mouth of a Ferrara.  I swear, when I'm with them I should have a voice-activated recorder strapped to my neck because I doubt anyone would really believe this shit just 'cause I'm telling you.

I also learned of what I believe is a new phenomena in the 55 and older communities.  They've taken going out to lunch to a whole new place, literally.  My parents' neighbors, Roland and Carol told me their favorite place to go for lunch is...

the local hospital's cafeteria. 

They say it's super cheap (you can get a loaded baked potato for $2.49!) and the food is delicious!

If I ever utter the words,  " Hey, I'm hungry.  Wanna take a ride up to Baptist South for lunch?",  just kill me on the spot.

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

30 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Tootsie

    glad to see your family is getting back to normal!!! lol

  • Amy

    HA! Funny stuff..... funny stuff... two sets of toes... I'm not going anywhere NEAR the pit hair... LOL.

    Side note- Wreath took about 60 balls. I used 2 sizes, so about 40 large, 20 small. I bought them SUPER cheap at dollar tree, only spent $10 for.

    Cottage cheese, instead of Ricotta.. I agree, seemed weird, but it really was good!!

    Later Gator, Amy

  • Cole

    I was at the hospital a few weeks ago - and wandered into the cafeteria for a drink during lunch time. You're right! I think the entire nearby retirement village had come to the hospital for lunch!! I couldn't believe my eyes.

    I'm glad that the Ferrara family is getting their stupid back. :-)

  • Jason, as himself

    OMG, this post rolled me! Your family is a riot! Every stinkin' one of 'em.

    Jungle pit mother, granola oil father, and pins and needles crotch Jill!

    Except for you, of course. You are as calm and ordinary as can be.

    Unless of course, we consider your insane obsession over getting me to delete word verification from my blog that is!!!


  • Jason, as himself

    Oh, and I meant to say.."She's bringin' stupid back...(YEAH!)them other girls don't know how to act (YEAH!)"

  • Swirl Girl

    Laughter is indeed the best medicine!

  • ~Mary

    my hometown hospital has THE BEST milkshakes EVER! Date nights were frequented at the hospital.

    My grandma's idea of taking you to lunch is taking you to Costco so you can walk the isles sampling the food...

  • ~Mary

    OH, and my crotch has totally fallen asleep before...I know what she's talking about.

  • Ginger

    LMAO oh what I would pay to hang out with your family for a day!!!
    Any of the hospitals I have ever eaten at are pretty crummy, but the next time I am in Florida I am stopping at one for lunch. lol.
    Glad everyone is feeling back to normal.

  • KK

    Sounds like my family. Too funny!

  • Jill

    hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee

  • mommynoodles

    Too funny! I was cracking up b/c today while I was driving.My daughter said,mommy your not not going to believe this but......the lady behind us is pluking her chin.Ummm,I believe it b/c people do all kinds of things now-a-days.I said,well,probably b/c you can see all those stray hairs in the And she said,oh is that way your always picking your face in the car.No,that's just b/c I can't leave a pimple alone for a second,but I do look for wild hairs too!! lol lol


  • NurseChessie

    I thought you of all people would be familiar with the hoo hoo pins and needles.. i mean, if you hold out anylonger that baby is gonna close right up!
    and jill making a "used turn"
    enough said. haha.

    love ya

  • blueviolet

    You all are hysterical! My bladder couldn't take a day of you all together!

    I've heard that same thing about the cafeteria. The oldies LOVE to go there to eat!

  • Cathy

    I don't know how your family gets anything done with all the jokes and fun things you guys get into. Glad to hear your mom is home and sounds like she is feeling well. And I keep my phone in my bra purse.. the kids will say. Mom your boob are lighting up. I also keep my credit cards, lipstick and other things in my bra.. you should see the kids when I am at the store and go to reach for something..

  • Chocolate Covered Daydreams

    I'm with your mom...I saw two sets of toes too. (Were those the actual pictures of the lady's toes??)

    I'm glad that Jill has gotten her groove back.

    You both should have your own blog radio show. You'd be hilarious!

  • Amy K.

    You people are too much. I guess the heat burns away your brain cells down there. LOL! I read your blog to Nikki and she laughed so hard she almost peed herself.

    Hey, now I see why you were running out of things to blog about. Weren't half your posts about crazy or stupid things that Jill's done?

  • Four in Costa Rica

    Granola oil ... cannoli oil!! I think I would have wet my pants if I'd heard him say that!

  • Michele

    OMG...I would not have any dry underwear if I was with you guys! Cassie has the long pit hair too...she said she's waiting for me to wax it...okay...what you do for your kids!!!

    Glad Jill is getting back to her ole self...and Mom too!

    Hugz...and Happy Thanksgiving!


  • ~♥~ Monica S

    :-) just gotta love your family! :-)

  • ♥georgie♥

    awwww Justine i love it...all the funnies that come from your family are just awesome and make me totally crack up!!!

    Glad things are getting back to somewhat normal for you sisters

  • Lori

    i am hooked! Just came across you and boy did you give me the laughs I needed! Hope Mom does well! Thank God for your funny side! Lori

  • Sophia

    hahaha....I should never be surprised at what I read on your blog...but you totally get me almost every time! :D

  • Rachelle

    Glad your family is feeling better! Thanks for the giggles!

    P.S. Our Chldren's Hospital in Omaha has fantastic food too! Awesome cheeseburgers, fries and grilled cheese...all for like $1.75! Cant go wrong with that! lol

  • Grand Pooba

    Oh Tiney, (Can I still call you Tiney?) I have missed out this weekend on your posts! Don't you know you can not post anything over the weekend because I am more likely to miss it?

    Ok, now that we've got that cleared up. I am so happy Jill is stupid again! After all, that is the essence behind your whole blog right?

    I knew she couldn't lose it forever, and after hearing the "two sets of toes" story about your mom, I see that it must be hereditary.

    (Of course it skipped the first sister, just like the stupid gene skipped the first sister in my family too)

    I'm so happy your mom is out of the hospital and doing well!

  • Sue

    As long as you are all laughing, I guess it is ok to be stupid!!!

    What's the special today at the hospital!?

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    AHAHAHAHA! I wanna hang out with you and your family for a day - or wait, maybe I don't, my sides couldn't take it from all the laughing! ;) Hilarious! :)

    Happy Thanksgiving Justine! :)

  • Elizabeth

    I need to keep track of the wacko things my dad says. Maybe he's your long-lost uncle.

  • Nikki via The Scarlett Rose Garden

    So frickin hilarious!!
    Glad you mom is OK. Well, healthy OK anyway, LOL!

    Throwing the spoon is something I would do in a slap happy moment! TOOO FUNNY!!

  • Gweny

    Wait a minute.. Whats wrong with going to the Hospital Cafe to eat..Thats THE HOT SPOT damn chocolate cake you ever ate..You'd feel right at home in my family Justine:)