She's Bringin' Stupid Back

I have to tell you, I've been worried about Jill these past few months.  No, not because she's going through a divorce from a lecherous monster.  I have all faith that she can endure that whole drama and come out on top.

Nope, what's really been worrying me is that I thought she'd lost her stupid. 

This may be hard for you to understand, but it was scary for me.  How could I survive my days without hearing Jill mangle the English language?  How could I enjoy any time I have with her if she's acting like a normal person?  It didn't bear thinking about, but think about it I did, because she seemed to have gone at least two months without saying anything to put me in stitches, or at the very least just shake my head with pity.

My God, Jill has lost her stupid!!!

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she'd find it again while in the midst of worry over our mother.  But it seems that my mother's stroke, while not affecting her own speech patterns, did indeed affect Jill's cognitive ability.  What's that saying about God closing a door but opening a window?  It's kinda like that, I think.

I have examples too, which just tickles me to no end.  And get this.  It's not only Jill who got her stupid back, but Mom and Dad too!  Woot woot!

Anyway, Jill always does the driving when we're not close to my house.  She was kind of drifting over to the left from her lane, but not really with any intentions I could see.  Finally I asked, "What the hell are you doing?"  She said, "I'm making a useD turn."

While sitting in Cracker Barrel I said, "Wow, could these chairs be any less comfortable?" 

Jill:  "I don't know, but my crotch has pins and needles."

Wow, hoo hoo talk at the table and I learned something new.  Had no clue your hooch could fall asleep from lack of circulation.

Then, all in one sentence, no break even for a breath she says, "Geez, my hand is killing me should I get the biscuits or sausage?"

The last Jill stupid isn't even anything she said, but what she did.  She was driving me home Thursday night, as usual with her cell phone tucked into her bra (boob tooth, remember?).  I glanced over at her and did a double-take.  She was plucking her face while driving on I-95.

What the pluck???

Me:  "Jill, what the hell are you doing?  You can't hope to grab any hairs when you're not looking in the mirror."

Jill:  "That's okay.  Accidentally pinching my skin keeps me awake while I'm driving."

Some people open a window.  Others drink coffee or turn up the radio.  Jill?  She plucks.

Okay, enough about Jill.  Let's turn to Mom.  The day she was released from the hospital she insisted on coming out to eat with Dad and I.  She would not be deterred.  She'd had enough of being sedentary.  So, I'm sitting across the table from them when Mom gets this strange look on her face while staring at something behind my back. 

She then says, "Justine, I don't know if there's something wrong with my eyes from the stroke, but that woman behind you has two sets of toes."

Me:  "Huh?"

Mom:  "That woman has two sets of toes on each foot, one set behind the other!  They're pink! Look!"

Dad, very serious, "Gin, are you feeling okay?"

Mom:  "Would you just look!"

I turned around but the woman was at an angle to me.  The only feet I could see were those of her son, sitting across from her and his feet looked just fine.

Mom:  "Justine, you have to get up and look under their table.  Please!"  *Giggling*

Dad:  "Ginny, would you stop, they're going to hear you!"

Mom:  "Hey Justine, if I throw this spoon you can go pick it up and then casually look at the woman's feet."

Me:  "Mom, do not throw...."

Mom:  *throws spoon within 2 feet of woman's table*  *Laughing like a hyena*

As I'm bending down:  "I'm picking up the spoon but I am not looking!"

Mom: "Gee, thanks!  I swear she's got two sets of toes!"

Somehow we got through dinner without further incident, but I did catch mom staring under that other table several times.  I swear, sometimes she acts like such a child.  But as we were leaving the restaurant, I was able to glance back and look at the woman's feet.  Oh.  My.  God.  My mother is an idiot!!!!"

Me:  "Mom?  That chick does not have two sets of toes."

Mom:  "Really?"

Me:  "Yes really, Mom, she must have just had a manicure.  She was wearing pink toe separators." 

*Three of us cracking up*

The next day the three of us were sitting outside while Mom was on the phone.  At one point she lifted her arm to touch her hair and I could not believe my eyes.  As soon as she got off the phone, I said, "Mom, when's the last time you shaved your pits?"

Mom:  "I don't know, why?"

Me:  "Well, your pit hair is so long we could probably braid and bead them.  You look like you just came off the show, Survivor."

About half an hour later, as she passed by my chair she quickly lifted up her arm to flash me her jungle pit.

Is this normal?  Do your 64 year old moms do this kind of thing?

So Thursday morning I'm chatting with my dad and he's telling me about a segment they did on the Today Show about how fattening movie theater popcorn is.  He explained that most theaters use cheap coconut oil to pop with.  But, in classic let's-insert-my-own-words dad-style, he said:

"But some movie theaters use the healthier, granola oil."

Me:  "Do you mean canola oil, Dad?"

Dad:  "Isn't that what I said?  Cannoli oil?"

Then I lost it.




You just never know what's going to come out of the mouth of a Ferrara.  I swear, when I'm with them I should have a voice-activated recorder strapped to my neck because I doubt anyone would really believe this shit just 'cause I'm telling you.

I also learned of what I believe is a new phenomena in the 55 and older communities.  They've taken going out to lunch to a whole new place, literally.  My parents' neighbors, Roland and Carol told me their favorite place to go for lunch is...






the local hospital's cafeteria. 

They say it's super cheap (you can get a loaded baked potato for $2.49!) and the food is delicious!


If I ever utter the words,  " Hey, I'm hungry.  Wanna take a ride up to Baptist South for lunch?",  just kill me on the spot.





Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Friday Fragments

Well, here I am again, with permission to be as discombobulated as I please. Ah, that's the beauty of Friday Fragments!




Bitch of the Week: Jill Again!

Okay, well all know sister Jill loves me, right? Right! But there are times that I'm hard pressed to truly believe it. Especially when she says things like this:

"Justine, you really need to get a different CPAP mask. The snausages are giving you a pig snout."

Really sis, that is so rude and completely untrue! Why, my nose is just as petite and adorable as it's always been!






That same day she dropped another bitch bomb on me, this time while she was sitting in the "stylist's" (and I use that term very loosely for anyone who works at a chain hair joint) chair at Great Clips.

Now keep in mind that I had no clue we would be going anywhere that day, so aside from actually putting on a bra so as not to scare young and old alike with my pendulous bosom, I did not do my hair or makeup. I went au naturale.

So there I am, sitting at the station beside Jill, listening to her telling the "stylist" exactly what she wants done and exactly how she should go about doing it. To make her point crystal clear she pointed to me and said, "I do not want my hair to look like hers."

Squee!!!!! She did not just say that! Oh yes she did! Is it my fault that I didn't do my hair because we weren't going anywhere that day? Is it my fault that I was too impatient to wait for a cut from either Larry or Sasha, so took Kristen's advice and went to the new spa right near the house? The spa that is all uppity, with mimosas chilling in a decanter, relaxing music tinkling through invisible speakers and wanna-be Tabithas at every station?


Is it my fault that the dumb bitch who cut my hair thought I needed a little bit more here, and a bit more there and then proceeded to charge me $50 (plus tip!) to walk away looking like she hadn't cut even one hair?

Okay yeah, so all of that is my fault. But did Jill have to rudely point it out? No she did not! Oh sister dear, you are so going to hate payback when it comes!

Hmmm... Where will my melon lead us now?

Trailer Trash?

Ya know how when you go buy a live Christmas tree, the handy-dandy tree lot boys tie the tree securely to the top of your car? Well, I just noticed yesterday that there is still a big hank of orange string attached to my luggage rack. From last year. Like 10 months ago. Orange. On my car. From last Christmas.




Patheticness. (it's a word because I say so)

Wanna know what's really pathetic? Today I stopped by the library to feed my insatiable addiction to the written word. I knew I had a fine for over-due books, but when the woman told me I owed 15.30 I nearly pooped myself. What the hell? How is that even possible when I can check my account online and even renew the books if I can't make it to the library when they're due? It's not like I can claim that I'm rarely on the internet and therefore cannot check my account. I'm still sitting here puzzled over the fact that I let my .10 a day per book get me into $15 worth of debt to the damn library. And that damn library? Just changed their fines to .25 a day per book. Rut roh. I'd better bookmark the website and set up reminders for myself or I'll have to go in there with my American Express at the ready next time.

Swine Flu.

This thing is a horrendous bitch and has apparently been mutating itself. I was told that once you get it you can't get it again. Hmph. Lies! My friend Ethel's son had it last month, and guess what? He's got it again, and this time a million times worse. And as if having the pig flu isn't bad enough, he also just tested positive for mono! Egads, the poor kid.



Single Parenthood.

It sucks and it's basically been my life since the end of July. Jimmy has always had to do quite a bit of traveling in his position but these past few months have just been beyond pathetic. A huge pizza dough-making job in Tennessee that's gone wrong wrong wrong. At no fault of Jimmy or his company, mind you, but the people they hired to install the equipment. But, Jimmy is the head of the project and apparently the head honcho of the pizza dough-making plant thinks Jimmy is the only one capable of getting things done right and demands that he be present at nearly all times. So, Monday through Friday he lives in TN and on weekends he visits home. Lucky bastard doesn't have to put up with Bitchayla's tween angst but for 48 hours a week.

Destructo

I got my new cell phone this week. It's a cool Samsung Behold with a touch screen.




The charger?

Strudel ate it.



Anyone want a golden retriever?



Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Jill Wuz Here

Yep, Jill and the girls have been here since Friday afternoon, but I can't say we've spent all that much time together. Ya know, because Facebooking, farming, and spending time with Mikayla seems more alluring to Jill than being in my company.

Okay, so it's probably not really that way, just the way things work out.

From the moment she opened the front door, all sense of quiet ceased to exist in my home. Strudel didn't even have to see Cannoli to know she was here, and boy did she get excited. She turned into a canine pogo stick.



Don't worry, she wasn't left to suffer much longer. As soon as I put the camera down she was released from her kitchen prison.

Three minutes later, Jill plopped down at the kitchen table and opened her computer.

Well hello there sister dear! So glad to see you're more concerned with your crops than paying attention to me!

So I went upstairs and took a nap. So sue me! I'd gotten less than six hours of sleep Thursday night and I had a party to go to at Jimmy's boss's house that night. Without my beauty sleep I'd be hopeless.

While I was schmoozing with the Stellar execs, Jill took the girls to the mall for a few hours. The party was nice, the people were nice, and holy shit, but did I actually behave myself and not embarrass my husband? Yes, I surely did and managed to do so while still being me. Go figure. Who even knew it was possible?

I didn't stay very late, but in fact left Jimmy there at 10:30 to be driven home by a friend. Hey, sister was waiting! Well, sister and my farm. Little did I know that Jill had forgotten to take her brain home from the mall. Boy was I in for some laughing due to her stupidity. Her, Mikayla and I were sitting out here, each of us on a different computer, and just about every single thing that came out of Jill's mouth was either mangled or just plain stupid.

Example:

Hey, did you know that at 20 minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour there's a lull of silence?

Huh? Wha? A lull of silence? Just that sentence alone makes no sense.

But yeah, there's a lull of silence!

Do you mean there's a break in the silence?

No, it becomes silent!

WHAT becomes silent?

The WORLD!

Huh? Wha? Jill, are you on drugs?

No really. It's true. Twenty minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour the entire world gets quiet.

Holy shit. I really do need to disown you. You're an idiot!

Now I don't remember how the topic of worms and their anatomy came up... something about Mikayla and doing dissections, but we rolled with laughter when Jill, stunned, asked, "Worms have butt holes?" Well yes, yes they do. That's how they POOP.

Then, of course, farming came up. Jill was acting all offended when I told her I'd sold off all my farm animals.

Why? What have you got against farm animals? Or have you decided to join PETA?

This could have made some sort of sense until she asked what PETA stands for.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Oh, but I thought it was spelled PITA.

No dumbass, that's the thing you eat. Or it could also stand for Pain in the Ass, which you are. You're making my butt twitch.

At one point, Jill was staring across the table at me. She said:

Your left owl is starting to look a little spermy again.

My owl? Do you mean my eyebrow?

Yeah, what did I say?

I give up!!!

Poor Mikayla could do nothing but shake her head, laugh, and call her aunt an idiot. Which she is, so I didn't smack her upside the head for insolence.

Saturday, the kids had a bit of fun in the tiny kiddie pool. Gianna just loves this thing and the two other not-so-little ones decided to get in on the action.

Um, you'll have to ignore the ripped black plastic bag that's in place of where a screen belongs. It's only been like this for 3 months. We have the screen, we have the tool to fix it, but someone won't let me fix it and keeps saying it will get done. Yeah. Right. So for now? We live as white trailer trash do.









And while they were doing that, Jill, Mikayla and I were doing this.



Look. I caught Jill mid-sentence saying, "Don't you dare!"


We did wind up going to the pool for a couple of hours which was a wonderful respite from the overwhelming heat. I didn't bring my camera because really, do you want to see Jill and I in bathing suits? No, I didn't think so.

Jill insisted the entire day that she was driving home that night. No matter how much begging and cajoling I did, she still wanted to go home. Well sure, just make me feel unloved. Just rip my heart to shreds why don't you.

But then Jimmy brought the girls to the movies and oops, didn't get home till 1:30 a.m. So, Jill is still here.

While I was out here on the lanai doing my thing, this little sucker crawled right up to me. He was squished to death soon after I took the picture.



Jill at this very moment. Why does she always look pissed at me?



And Gianna. Why is this child always nekkid?



Well, she's got one kid dressed now, and one still naked and she's packing up to go. I'll miss her, I'll miss the girls, but I think I will embrace the sweet silence for a while. And then will have to scrub and deodorize my house. Why is it that when she's here everything gets filthy?

*Stay tuned for my next episode of farming on Facebook. In this episode Picket will be spotlighted as the current blogger to have been bitten by the farming bug. Another ho with a hoe? You betchya! If you hear incredibly loud sissy-girl screaming? It's just Dot, making it known that her corn is ready for harvest.




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Jill and Her Cleavage are Having a Giveaway!

Yep, Jill has finally gotten her act together and is having a giveaway! She's got a million different ways for you all to get entries, so have fun with that. I know Jill will when she realizes how hard it's going to be keeping it all sorted out. Who did what to get how many entries, etc. What an idiot. But haven't I said that many times before?

*Side note* Ugh, I hope none of my readers use Safari. I'm on Madison's laptop right now and on this sucker my layout is alllllllllllll wrong!*

Okay, so click on Jill's link below and enter yourself into her bloggy giveaway!



Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Random Crap Tuesday

Before I even really begin, I want to first take a moment to apologize for my horrendous blog reading and commenting this past week. A couple of posts ago, I told you of a new-found addiction. Facebook's Farm Town.

I wish I could tell you things were getting better, but this application has me in its grip. My neighbors are doing it, my Facebook friends are doing it, my sister is doing it, and (gasp) now my brother is giving it a whirl! It was stunning enough when I saw my bro on FB last week. He's just not the social networking type. But when he asked me to hook him up with a farm? I nearly crapped myself. My father actually showed an interest in having a farm too, but he said he would only raise dairy cows. Sorry dad, entirely different application.

I am so gripped in this damn game that I find it hard to fall asleep some nights, wondering if my crops are ready to harvest, imagining how I might change the layout of my farm. I dream about when I'll finally get 300,000 coins so I can buy a white farm house.

This is what my farm currently looks like. You can see the back of my farmer head there. Unfortunately, my computer screen is so tiny you can't see the entire farm in one shot.



I need help. Serious help. Do NOT help me. I'm untreatable at this point.

Speaking of my new computer, it's so adorable! It's like the VW Bug of laptops!



So anyway, it took some convincing, but I finally got Jill to come here this weekend with the girls. First, let me say that Alexa looks so much better right now. Obviously the poor kid was being poisoned with too many medications. For a long time she was no only too thin, in my opinion, but her face looked sunken-in. Within 2 weeks time though, she's put on a few pounds and the gaunt look is gone. Hooray! Not to mention that her behavior has done a 180.

Saturday, we did our usual thing. Ya know, eating out when we don't have the money and then shopping when again, we don't have the money. But we ate cheap. About as cheap as you can get. Golden Corral.

Oh yeah, this places oozes class.



There's just something about an unlimited buffet that both grosses me out and excites me to no end.

While we were out doing our thing, Jimmy was out doing his thing. Deep sea fishing. He got up at 3:00 in the morning so he and two of his coworkers/friends could get on a 28' boat and drive 80 miles out into the deep blue. A twenty-eight foot boat. Eighty miles out in the ocean. You'd have to pay me multiple millions to get my ass out on a boat the size of a dinghy just so I could catch fish. Shit, I can go to the fish market and I only have to drive 10 miles and, I don't even need Dramamine.

Okay, so it's a manly sport and I just don't get it. But it was a first-time experience for Jimmy and he enjoyed every minute of it.



There was probably enough testosterone on that boat to fuel the whole trip there and back.

At least he took in a decent haul. A few nice size Mahi Mahi, a few grouper (my favorite!), red snapper, and some other weird named fish I can't recall.


Sunday Jill insisted that we all trek to the local beach with the kids and the dogs. For this, I convinced Jimmy to come along. Jill wasn't impressed with the beach because it's on too much of a slope and the waves were just a teeny bit too big for her girls to enjoy. Mine on the other hand had a blast. Strudel, same as last time, hated the water. Cannoli wasn't nearly as enthralled by it as Jill always makes her out to be.

You're probably expecting pictures from our weekend together but sadly, I don't have any. Why? Because the happy fisherman took my camera without even telling me and then proceeded to leave it at his friend's house. He is officially never allowed to borrow a camera of mine again. The last time he did, it was on a business trip to Germany and he left it on the plane, never to be seen again. Next time? He can get himself a disposable Kodak.

But oh how I wish I'd had the camera, because after the beach Jill offered to bathe the dogs in the kiddie pool. Well, she was down on one knee, giving Strudel Doo a good scrubbing, when suddenly, Strudel tried to escape and Jill lost her balance. She fell face-forward into the pool, but no, her head didn't get wet, because her ginormous boobs hit the water first and acted as flotation devices. Oh my word, if only I had this on film for all of you. Video would have been perfect so you could see her flailing and yelling, "Help me! Help me!" I swear I nearly peed myself.

Over the weekend Jill said, no less than three times, "Can you plug her in for me?" In normal- person- English that would be, "Can you buckle her in for me?" These are the things Jill is famous for, and the things about her that make me adore her more and more every day. Don't you wish you had a stupid silly sister?







Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Chili's, Target, Bugs and Nubs

So we ate at Chili's again. It was me, Jill, and our four girlies. As usual we had fun, talked too loud, laughed too much and basically made fools of ourselves. Here's a picture of our handsome waiter, Sam. Don't you think he looks a bit like Freddie Prinze JR? Okay, upon looking at this photo here on the blog, he doesn't look anything like F.P. JR. He kinda looks like a dork.

Now let me tell you about Gianna and her unending pit of a stomach. It's really almost scary watching this child eat because she's so tiny at 2-1/2 and 24 pounds, but she can easily pack away 1/2 a pound of pasta, or what Gianna calls Nee-nees. Not only can she eat that much but she does it quickly. She didn't just eat her entire plate of penne with alfredo sauce, but then also stuck her hand in Mikayla's bowl and started scooping out macaroni and cheese. I think she put away a few french fries too.
Here she is with a full belly, feeling very happy.






Here's Mikayla doing her Achmed the Dead Terrorist face.

Here's the real Achmed.










Shelia, I'm ashamed to say that I forgot to use the restroom at Chili's to take a picture of my darling self. I'm sorry, but I just didn't have the urge to "go"! I did take a self-picture at the table, but it's very scary. I'll put it here anyway. :::::::::::hanging head in ugliness shame:::::::::: Buffie dammit, I don't think the anti-"pugg" stuff is working!


Of course I had to snap some pics of Jill and the kidlets. But could someone please tell Jill that if she continues tanning she's going to become radioactive or something? Either that or she'll look like George Hamilton. Either option is scary.










As we left the restaurant Gianna was so cute and thanked Sam the waiter by saying, "Dank u nee nees!"

Next stop, Target. But wait, Jill has to snap a picture of herself in the car.


Mikayla was like a whirling dervish in the girl's department, picking out some clothes for the start of school. I swear, she picked out about 7 outfits in ten minutes, flat. All the better for me. I had already been there earlier in the week and was overdosing on Tarjay, know what I mean? One quick spin around the shoe aisle and we were out of there! Here's me chasing down Jill...

And guess what? Poopy Pants was hungry again, and sucked down some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Little piglet!


Here's Jill again. Nice boobage, sis.


While waiting outside Walgreens for Jill I was getting bored, so started snapping pictures of myself. Shelia, I think you've created a monster! I'm sure people were wondering why there was a parked car with a bright light flashing every 2 seconds!


So that was the Chili's and Target portion of this post, but where do the bugs and the nubs come in? Well, right here! It's me, Jill and Mikayla, all sitting out on the back patio late at night. Me, reading email and writing this blog, Jill and Mikayla giving each other pedicures. They've turned on a bright light so they can see what they're doing and spittle bugs and moths are dive-bombing us left and right. One goes down the front of Jill's shirt (poor thing probably smothered), ones flies directly at Mikayla's ear, and one hits me in the neck. Ewwwwwwwwwww! It's like something off the Discovery channel!

Mikayla was using the Ped-Egg on Jill's calluses and the skin was a' flyin' and the scraping noise was really getting to me. So, I decided to get some relief by taking pictures of the action! Look at Mikayla go, as Jill lounges back like a Diva with an envelope cushioning her leg from the table edge.


Have I ever talked to you all about Jill's feet? Well let me describe them to you in simple terms. They look like Fred Flinstone's feet! You know, really wide, really flat, with incredibly small, chubby toes? Yep, that's Jill's feet in a nutshell. I call her toes "Nubs". And here we have a close-up picture for your entertainment.


Jill was none too happy about my taking pictures of her in her disheveled state, especially because I was highlighting her ugly feet, so she thought that covering her face would keep me from snapping pictures or posting any pictures on my blog. Oh, how stupid of poor, nubby Jill. Doesn't she know better by now? Doesn't she realize that nothing is sacred to me when it comes to blogging?


Here Jill, let sister make you feel better. I'll post a picture of my foot too! Ugly, yes. Nubby, no. Jill's hubby Mark calls me Monkey Toes. But lucky for me, I'd shaved the long hairs off my toes today and went and got a nice pedicure.


And that's the end of Chili's, Target, Bugs and Nubs. Hope you enjoyed the show!

Until next time, Justine :o )