Thursday, May 7, 2009

I’d Rather Have a Pap Smear


Pain.  Unbearable pain in my jaw.  I was supposed to have my 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed quite a while ago.  Okay, more than quite a while. More like 15 years ago.  But hell, I have panic disorder, and just looking at that dentist’s chair gives me palpitations.  I’m riddled with unfilled cavities which I ignore as best I can because yeah, I’d rather have a pap smear. 

By a really hot guy.

Under fluorescent lighting. 

With Barry White playing in the background.

I’d rather all that than have anyone screw around in my mouth while laying defenseless on a motorized lounge chair.

All I can say is, thank goodness HGTV was on the flat screen and not Barry White over the speaker system, because  A) the dentist was kind of hot and, B) the lighting was really brutal.

First I was brought into my little cubicle and asked to lay down on the chair.  You all know what they look like.mpfa1l55mwbdwt55ophdhz45dental_chair_modern

But that’s not what my panicky eyes saw.  My eyes saw this friggin’ thing.comm4_1165

Once I was comfortably ensconced in my chair or torture, the cute little ponytail-wearing dental tech came in to take an x-ray of my upper left wisdom tooth.  Now the thing you have to stick in your mouth is really quite tiny, see?







But to me the damn thing could have been this big…



Because I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get the little thing IN!



There would be no x-ray for me this day.  Totally impossible.  If I have to pry my mouth open just to get a fork in there, there was no way that little square thing was going to work.

So Dr. Hotness comes in to examine my yuck mouth.  He grabbed the usual dental pick and started tapping on my teeth to see if any of them hurt.  Why yes, a few did, but I’m not here for those teeth!



And please, for the love of Pete, get that damn pointy thing away from my swollen gums!


I just know the masochistic prick switched implements while I had my eyes squeezed shut in pain.


Next came that little tiny mirror, so he could better see the cause of my agony.  Once again, I lay there with my mouth open just the tiniest bit while he stumbled around, bumping into every sensitive area just to get a peek.

Dentalmirror Such an innocent instrument, don’t you think?  Well, not when it’s in the back corner of my mouth, pressing on my jaw bone or joint, or whatever the hell is back there. 

Once again, I think the slimy bastard handsome doctor switched to something more torture worthy.

Like this.




See those evil looking dudes on there?  Yeah, they were in my mouth, laughing their demonic heads off.




Next, Dr. Hotty McHotness starting pressing all along under my jaw-line.  OW!!!!!!!!!!  What the hell was THAT?  That was a lymph node, and the final piece of the wisdom tooth puzzle.  I’ve got an infection in my jaw, hence the excruciating pain and inability to even open wide enough to stuff a cracker in my mouth without yelping.

So now I’m on 500 mg of Amoxicillin, four times a day, for the next 7 days.  And then, lucky me, I have to see an oral surgeon.  God, I wonder what his chair will look like?  ‘Cause honestly?  I’d prefer one of these.





Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!



32 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    Hang in there Justine! They'll make you so woozy, you won't care what they do to you! Maybe you should ask for some Valium to calm you down enough to come into the office?!? Don't forget the laughing gas too!

    BTW, I sympathize. I had RK surgery, radial keratotomy, in the mid '80's to correct my near sightedness. Of course, I had to endure 2 separate surgeries & freaked out much the way you're doing over the dentist... The 1st one was awful for me, & they gave me the Valium to calm me down, not that it helped much. The 2nd one was better. I needed AIR - so they rigged up an oxygen tube in a styrofoam cup so that it blew around my nose, that & a nurse held my hand very tightly.

    Let me know how you do! ♥ Diane

  • Chocolate Covered Daydreams

    As long as it doesn't prevent you from blogging,'s all good! LOL

    No, seriously, I hope your jaw is feeling better. That really does sound painful. So what were you doing to cause such a painful, um, jaw infection????

  • Shelia

    Oh poor Justiney! I'm sorry for your tooth problems. I must tell you, I've spent half my life in the dentist's chair and it'll be okay! I've never been gassed, but some dentist use a gas to calm you down. Maybe you could see if he had that.
    Take your little meds and make Jimmy wait on you hand and foot! ;P
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia :)

  • xinex

    Oh so sorry for all that pain, Justine. I can imagine your agony but for me, I think I would rather go to the dentist than have a pap smear. But I hate both.Hope you feel better soon...Christine

  • Jason, as himself

    Oh, this post gave me a stomach ache.

  • roy/elisabeth dean

    hahaha...hottie mchottness! I would come to jacksonville for that!
    I hate going to the dentist too. They have to give me valium to GET me there, then nitrox oxide (laughing gas) to keep me there! They always tell me I was very entertaining...I never ask what I did!
    I hope you feel better soon. GET THE GAS!!! You'll lurve it~

  • Tootsie

    I know exactly how you feel!!! put a wet tea bag on your owie and it will help feel better....I do it all the time...I have that broken off jagged and often infected molar still in my mouth If I wasn't scared of criminal charges...I have some wonderful pain meds left...remember those? yea...that week of posting will never stop haunting me! lol Hang in there can do this!

  • J'Ollie Primitives

    I would like to bite each and every dentist that I've met so far. But I LOVE my little teddy bear oral surgeon. Srsly. The gas might have something to do with that.

  • Swirl Girl

    sorry I started this whole dentist thing ...

    at least with an oral surgeon - you get put to sleep during the appointment!

    get it done!

  • Elizabeth

    What a nightmare! I am totally into taking care of my teeth, and get angry if any of my gumline measurements are higher than a 3, but I don't like it when they're doing actual work in there. Even with all I've been through medically, I don't like dental work because I can't see what they're doing.

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Oh poor Justine! I can't imagine how much that all hurts. They will probably knock you out to remove your wisdom teeth. You won't feel a think until it's all over...and then it hurts! But it probably won't hurt as much as your mouth is hurting you right now.


  • raxx a day in the life

    At least the dentist was hot! Are you like me? make follow up appointments and never keep them?

  • Cole

    Aww, you poor thing! Hopefully the antibiotics will reduce the swelling and make you feel better. Before I had my wisdom teeth out, I used to put an ice pack on the sides of my face to ease the pain and swelling.

    Two words for you missy....sedation dentistry!

  • mrsben

    Poooor Justine. Cudn't agree with you more! Going to the dentist is NOT fun and so sorry to hear about your pain. Hopefully the meds will work quickly and your tooth problems will be all but a memory of the past.

    Thinking of you girl. Hang in there. Hugs

  • sue

    I feel your pain Tiney, Take your meds and sleep. The teeth pulling is the easy part, the pain comes afterwards! Oooooh so sorry! Kim has root canals coming in her future, been there done that too! Try to have a Happy Mothers Day sweetie! xo

  • Four in Costa Rica

    So sorry about all this, Justine. Definitely get some good meds to ease that anxiety. Poor Just!

    BTW, I've seen the pic of Jimmy and Mikayla (on the right) but didn't notice the caption until now: "39 going on 3." Funny stuff, girfriend!

    Hang in there,

  • Rachelle

    I dislike going to the dentist too. Hope you feel better soon ~ good luck with the oral surgery!

  • Beckie

    Hey girl, go see the surgeon and enjoy that one! It's so much better to get those teeth out asleep, LoL. I had jaw surgery where they cut my bottom jaw bone where my back molar teeth are so they could pull it forward and screw them back together. It was horrid. They decided last minute to cut out my wisdom teeth that hadn't popped through at all yet at the same time. When I woke up with my jaw wired shut and in semi-sort of pain (thank you morphine!) to find all this out it spooked me but then again I was glad I was out of it for the whole thing. So i hope they can knock you out while doing any work on you! That's the best dentist visit, LoL.

  • Joyce

    I am laughing so hard from your post and the photos. That is how I view any dentist and that is why I am basically eating baby food these past few months because I just can't get up enough nerve to inflict torture upon myself and pay for it:) Don't worry the oral surgeon will knock you out..the only way to go!

  • Lin

    Yikes!! That sounds just plain awful!!! All that bright lighting wrecks havoc with your make-up application, doesn't it?? I always wonder if my dentist looks up my nose. Hmmm....

  • Ginger

    I feel your panic. I say you need some xanax or valium to calm you down before you get there. I hope the antibiotics help with the infection so you'll feel better.
    Take care.
    Happy Mother's Day

  • Mariah

    Oh crap, I'm having a panic attack just looking at the pics. I swear, I really hate teeth issues--in a REALLY bad way

  • Anonymous

    Oh. My. God.

    How great you had a hottie dentist........I have an ugly mean woman (looking to switch).

    Hope it's getting better. Did you ever get pain meds?

    Happy Mother's Day!

  • Ann

    I completely understand freaking out about the dentist. But the pain you must be going through is making me sweat!!!


    You poor thing.

  • Lavender Chick

    Ouch! An infection in your jaw... That's awful! Sorry for what you're going through and yes - I can relate to preferring a pap over a visit to the dentist...

  • WhisperingWriter

    Okay OUCH. My mouth just twitched in pain just reading this.

    I have a dentist phobia. I haven't been in years. I really need to go. But I'll need some Xanax first I think.

  • Lisa (aka) French

    I hate the dentist and my last experience was NOT a good one...hang in there I feel for ya and know how scary it can be;) Hugs French xoxoxo

  • SchmeckyGirl

    HA! You left out how you decided for yourself that you weren't going to take the medication as prescribed!!!

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    Ugh! My mouth and jaw hurt reading that!! Hopefully things will work out and you'll be pain free soon!! ((HUGZ!))

  • NurseChessie

    so sorry for you. in november I had an abscess in my molar. and i was crying even while michael was trying to shove vicodin down my gullet... but the real tears will come when you get the bill from the oral surgeon... my root canal via oral surgeon?? after insurance... just over 900 bucks.
    good luck sister.
    love ya

  • AndreaLeigh

    oh girl, I'm so sorry! isn't dental pain the worst? i hate those things that they make you put in your mouth for xrays. they hurt like the devil and they make me gag.

  • nikkicrumpet

    Dentists are the most evil beings on the planet...I'd rather poke my eyes out with sharp sticks. I feel your pain. And hey I love the new picture on your look hot!