Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Broken

The following is a probable work of fiction, drawn from the author by a melancholy mood.

She stepped outside of herself, turned, and looked back at the woman she is at that moment.  She locked eyes with herself and gazed deeply into the depths of deep chocolate brown, looking for the answers she’d been unable to find.

Somewhere along the way she’d lost all perspective of who she truly is, what she wants out of life, what she was put on this earth to do.  She’s a mother, yes, but is she the best mother she can be?  She is a sister, but at times feels unworthy of the unconditional love she receives. 

She is a wife, but in title only.

Could this be the source of her unease?  Why she’s been facing each day with something close to ambivalence?  She stares at her physical self and wonders that if her fate had been different, would she be happy?  Content?

Would the simple love between a man and woman make her a better person?  She thinks possibly, yes.

309489996_69b44b8c62_m As she gazes upon her true self she wills memories to come back to her.  She tries to remember the last time her hand had been held.  Such simple contact, barely touching, but which links two lovers and makes them appear united.

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She looks deep within herself, grasping at the past, searching to recollect the last time she was touched, even fleetingly, for no other reason than her lover wanting to absorb her essence.

SAVINGS-AND-INVESTMENT Had there ever been a time when he looked at her, no, into her, hoping to discover just one more of her hidden secrets?  When he looked at her, studied her, hoping to sketch every line and dimple of her face into his memory to carry with him until the next time?

2223449563_131e036da6_m Had she ever been kissed?  She thinks back over the many years and knows she has been, but the touch of a lover’s lips on hers is completely forgotten.  She’s unable to conjure that feeling of feather soft lips caressing hers, warming her from the outside, in.521887428_f2e09e9f18_m

If she can’t have even have the fleeting memories of these times, these emotions, does that make her barren inside?  She wonders, as she gazes at her self, “Am I deserving of that kind of love?  If I am, why hasn’t He blessed me with it?”  But then she realizes that He has blessed her with that kind of love.  It just wasn’t meant to last a lifetime.  She knows now, that from this day on, she has to learn to live with the constant ache of that lost love.  She knows she will never again feel the rush of new love consuming her every breath.  She will never again know the feel of a lover’s lips, or hands, or gaze.  She knows for certain that never again will she feel safe and cherished.

She realizes now that the only true love she will ever feel again is the true love of her Creator.  And although the thought comforts her, it also brings her anguish.  For does not every human being deserve to be enveloped by the love and adoration of another?

 

Justine – 5-19-09

52 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Donna Marie

    Oh Girl, I came to thank you for your kind words and support.. and here I am...COMPLETELY MOVED!!!!

    You will find your love once lost. Love comes in many ways and forms.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Donna Marie

    PS Write a freaking book already!!!!!

  • Tami

    WOW, this is sad. I want to cry just reading that.

  • Kris

    Justine,
    Every human does deserve such love at least once in their lifetime. Rarely does one have a lifetime of such love.

    Kris

  • Buffie

    That made me cry....it's so sad....

    I didn't know you could write like that.

    Buffie

  • TattooedMinivanMom

    Justine honey, that was an amazing work of "fiction".

    But it doesn't have to be that way. Hypothetically speaking of course. She does deserve love. Even if she thinks she doesn't.

    I know I haven't commented much lately but I'm glad I'm first for this one. Wanna talk?

  • Secondary Roads

    I came.
    I read.
    I was moved by the poignant emotion.
    -- Chuck

  • Mrs. B. Silly

    {{{{Hugs}}}} That was very deep, I like to see you show this side of your personality too.
    Never say never but make the most of a bad situation. You haven't chosen to live this way but you have chosen to endure it so you must find other things to fulfill your life. Find joy in your children (which I know you do!) and comfort in your friends. Find things that make you happy in other ways and maybe someday He will lead you to a happier existence. Just be the best person you can be and share your love with others (no I ain't talkin like Lulu in the numbers novels! LOL)
    Your buddy and pal, Bigeee

  • roy/elisabeth dean

    oooooohhhhhh......I hope this is a DEFINATE work of fiction. Great writing, just not OUR Tiney. There is NO WAY you could see yourself as anything but WONDERFUL! Is there???
    You're having a blech-day. I get those too sometime. Everything usually looks better after a couple of hours. Or a corona.
    Feel TINEY again soon~
    ♥,LIlly

  • HeatherF1

    You brought tears to my eyes reading this. What would happen if you let your husband read it, or would that be too much? Afraid of what the reaction might be? I am sorry you feel this way and what your marriage has become. I do believe that God can transform people, and know the only ones WE can change are ourselves. Totally sucks as wouldn't it be nice to wave that magic wand, and it would be done...but nothing worth having is easy.
    I think all of your friends online are your helpers to pull you up by your boot straps and help you to be happy. Your support group, your cheer leaders. Not everybody has that. Think of all the prayers sent Jill's way this past week or so. Maybe time to send some your way... virtual hug and prayers sent to you...

  • Ginger

    Is she the best mother she can be, It sure sounds like it. Is she worthy of a sisters love, most definitely she is. Can she recapture her lost love, yes, she can.

  • SchmeckyGirl

    Fiction? FICTION!?!?!

    Aw Justine that was beautiful. Sad and touching.

    I hope the ficitionalized hubby reads it.

  • raxx a day in the life

    That was mesmerising, I felt real, hurting emotional connection to your pain while reading, and only great movies and books can move me so............

    Justine if this is your life, then you have the control to change it, you are young and intelligent and there is soooo much ahead of you, you CAN be happy and contented again!

  • Cathy

    OMG... that is awesome. AWeSomE!!!! Does everyone feel like this is did you write this for me.. I am speechless...that's why you write and I don't.. Awesome!!

  • sue

    Justine you are such a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG woman to have to live this life without the love of a husband. I can feel your lonliness. I'm amazed at couples who can live together without marital love. A friend of mine lived like that, her husband passed away 3 years ago and she misses him so much. I hope and pray you will one day soon be blessed with a man to love you with all his heart and soul! Love ya sweetie! xo

  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    Justine, This is beautiful! I'm sending you a great big HUG! ♥ Diane

  • Chocolate Covered Daydreams

    Justine, I was very moved by your expressive emotions. I hope that you will always have hope that the man of your dreams does exist and when you are least expecting it, he will sweep you off your feet. You're so beautiful, loving and deserving of such love. I'm living proof that it can happen.

  • Happy To Be

    A VERY BIG HUG...to you girl...I am so sorry..Love the new blog look...its easy on my old eyes...Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

  • Grand Pooba

    Talk about intense!

  • Eco-friendly Mommy

    Hi Justine!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Just viewed yours, and absolutely love it! It is so inviting. Your family is beautiful! Love your furry babies.

    Will be back again!

  • Tootsie

    girl...I am bawling my eyes out! what a great post! you have some kinda talent with words.
    how moving!!!!

    on a happier note...my sister's blog is up and running in a pretty dress and I do beleive she clicked to become a follower for you...now..we just need to get her to comment!!!!!

  • xinex

    You wrote thisbeautifully, Justine, no matter how sad it is. You are a wonderful person and that's the most important fact. And you are the best mom and sister...Christine

  • Stephanie

    This was beautiful. And so very sad. I wish there was something to be done to make the, ah, *fictional* man get his fictional act together. Barring that, my offer still stands to kick him in his fictional nuts.

    But seriously, you are loved. And cherished. You've touched more people that you realize, I think.

    Love,
    Stephanie

  • Paris

    Holy freakin' fried bananas with hot syrup on top!! WHAT a story! Say....are you writing about me?! hahahaha. Love you!

    PS SO SO SO SO LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE your new blog layout.

    xo

  • Joyce

    You did not say to have a big Hankie ready prior to reading this.
    Joyce

  • Michael

    Ok, Justine...I'm gonna keep it real on ya. My opinion will not be the popular one, but here goes...

    I truly feel we play a role in our own destiny and you get out of it what you put in. That said, you deserve more, your kids deserve more. But it's easy for me to judge looking from the outside looking in.

    Is it salvagable? Can you get back to the place that brought you together in the first place? Or can you take small steps in that direction, even if you can't get back to square one?

  • Shelia

    Oh, Justiney! Darling, you're making me cry! You write beautifully, but there's a lot of sadness here!
    You are an amazing young woman with much to give the world. I pray you will find fulfilment and if I could give you a great big ole hug, I would!
    You are a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Stephen Baird

    OK, Justine ... do you really want another male perspective here? The writing is beautiful ... so how can I Tony Soprano this back to a bit of what I hear being a male. I hear longing for something an dis guy tells me dat what a woman really wants is love. And I guess I gets that a bit and men generally stink at doing that. Women tend to be really good at the supply of love. Then dis guy also tells me dat a guy is really not all that interested in the feeling of love, yeah it's important, but there is something that men want more than love. So the guy says it's actually respect that a man wants. Respect? Then he actually says that is where women should concentrate on men. Even if they don't deserve it. He said they will eventually begin to notice this and return love. Instead what happens, man doesn't love, so woman doesn't respect. Man feels lack of respect and continues to do things that lack love. Woman continues to feel lack of love and strikes man over head with frying pan. Man gets mad and humiliates wife at their annual summer family social gathering. Man wakes up in bedroom swears he can smell gas and well you get the idea.
    If a women wants love ... they should respect. If a man wants respect ... he should love. And I might add the man should take the lead. A woman that is loved rarely will ask for a divorce. A man that is respected will rarely ask for a divorce.
    Now maybe I missed the total point of your article. If I did ... in the words of the great Gilda Radner - "nevermind." Maybe this explains why reading is dangerous for me.
    nikonsniper steve

  • Amy

    Love goes through seasons. Marriage goes through seasons. We as humans go through seasons as well. Sometimes our significant others are not in the same "season" as we are. This leading to miscommunication, and feelings of love loss. Communication is the KEY to a lasting love. Without it, it withers, and disappears. Sometimes we have to take the initiative to make the first move toward relationship "repair", even when we feel we are the one that is hurting, and/or have been wronged. Show him/her that you ARE worth the love. Love, respect, show affection to them like you will never lay eyes on them again.

    Great writing Justine!

  • 1measlysister

    Okay...I read Stephen Baird's comment and I think the guy's whole respect and love thingy he wrote stinks!!! Obviously if you are loving this man you are indeed respecting him. You can't love someone without subconsciously already respecting them! The problem is that while you are giving all the love and respect...he's a selfish greedy guts just taking it and not appreciating all that you give...he's not respecting you, and you dont just need to be loved...you need the respect and adoration in return. You are such a talented person...I don't know you but I think I like you. Sounds like you have been blessed hugely with your children and your friends and talent...use them to break free! Happiness is there...just take the leap!
    We...are you sorry you asked for comments? Sorry if anything I said was offensive...I"m just an outsider peeking in on bits of the story so what do I know anyhoo?
    Take care!
    P.S. Your dog is sooooosweet!

    Lilsista

  • Tootsie

    I have to say that I don't know how much of what that Stephen guy said is true...why can't men just love unconditionally...why do they first need their asses kissed?
    Love should be true and real and free...not with a price.
    Respect is something that needs to be earned...not just given.

  • Tootsie

    If I have mis-interpreted Stephen's comment...my full and heartfelt apologies to him...this is one of those topics that touch a nerve...
    have a great day Justine...and I do think you should start writing some sort of book...you do have a great talent!

  • Rachelle

    Oh Justine ~ that is beautiful! Have you ever considered writing a book? Hang in there and take it a day at a time. {{{Hugs}}}

  • Jill

    too sad!

  • Jammmie

    Stephen is referring to "Love and Respect" bible study which states that men most crave respect first and women love. I think that is true. I know as a guy I need that from the woman i love as I already assume she loves me and no, kissing my butt, would not be respectful to me. That is not to say a guy doesn't respect a woman as you can't really love someone you don't respect.

    Anyway, that aside, that is not my book, I do know a woman can feel loved and even say she is loved but still want a divorce. Love is hard --you can do everything and still lose it all.

    One final thought--although it is a nice thought, I really don't know where we get this notion that any of us humans deserve anything at all--including feeling and being loved. where does it state that anywhere and by whom yet we all assume this. I think on the contrary IF we get loved we are blessed out of the paradigm of the fallen world we are born into.

    Take care Justine, wishing you all the very best.

  • Elizabeth

    I am commenting on Stephen's comment, not on what you wrote, Justine.
    I totally agree with him. As a person who loved someone (I thought) I was also disrespectful of him and made him feel small and unimportant. I thought I was being "helpful" and it wasn't until we had been broken up for a while that I realized what I had been doing. I won't go into his mistakes, but those were mine. I really do believe men need respect almost more than they need love. It's that whole "taking care of my family/woman" thing. Yes, they need love and understanding, but it's secondary.

  • Stephen Baird

    I totally agrreee with LilSista. this guy stephen baird is completely nuts. nothing is that simple to argue in life. the guy needs to have his head checked and NEVER comment in a blog like this. Seriously lilsista is right and she obviously has good taste in ratdogs.
    nikonsniper

  • Stephen Baird

    yeah and what tootsie said! i agree. why do men have to get their butts kissed. why can't they lead so that they are easy to respect? get something respectable and maybe it wont be so hard. tootsie is totally right too. wow, so many right people here. by the way ... i think stephen baird said that men should take the lead in the vicious circle ... if men love it's easy to respect. if women respect its easy to love. men know their wives love them. men often do not feel respected but i still totally agree with tootsie and i really need to stick to photography ... so justine, i tried to humor you at your request but comedy writing isn't working so well.
    God bless all of ya. I think you're great!
    nikonsniper

  • Not The Rockefellers

    Amen sister...pass the poundcake :)

    Seriously, what a post... and I too, miss that feeling of first love now that I've had my last first kiss.

    Only a memory...

    Peace - Rene

  • Tootsie

    hey...just stopped to let you know I have changed my tomorrow's post to add a few photos for you! Just for you! k? now are you still mad? lol
    luv ya

  • roy/elisabeth dean

    Hey Tiney! I don't know why my emails are bouncing back to you. You can try another address if the old one doesn't work:
    edean1206@hotmail.com
    Thanks!
    ♥,Lilly

  • Jill

    WOW........what powerful writing (you got you some mad skills there girlie)............oh how sad. YES, you deserve more.
    Love ya,
    Kiki

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    That was so poignant and sad. I once felt like I didn't know who I was any more, and had lost myself. While I'm not an advocate of divorce, it became apparent that things were definitely over. Some marriages can be saved, and others need to be just taken out and shot...so to speak. When he finally did walk out the door, it was one of the most freeing days of my life. I can truly say that from that moment on, I never looked back and I started getting my self back.

    But that is my story. Your's is left for you to write. You might have an entirely different outcome. This work of "fiction" is still a work in progress, and you are the author in every way. You're smart, vibrant, and strong and deserve the best that life has to offer.

    By the way, you are an amazing mother!

    Kady

  • Donna Marie

    Good Morning Justine,

    I have read through all of the comments here and Boy!!!!!!!!! Every has a different, yet somewhat the same take on your post.

    Here is my take,

    The person you are writing about is looking at who she was verses who she THINKS she has become.

    She longs for who she was and what she could have become. She appears to have had a plan...and somehow lost it and is unable to recover it.

    She has lost her SELF. No matter how hard she searches, she can not find her SELF. She catches glimpses of her "once was" SELF in being a Mother, a Sister and even a Friend. She is so lost that she even questions the good in that! What she does not realize is that she has completely lost her "once was" SELF in being a WIFE.

    She is so lost in being a WIFE that she looks at her "new" physical SELF and questions her fate... wondering if her "new" physical SELF has played a role in her loosing her "once was" (when she was happy & content) SELF. She is so lost that she even questions weather or not she was EVER happy or content.

    She has buried her SELF so DEEP in being a WIFE that she is basing her entire happiness and contentment on the current status of her marriage.

    She is lost in memories that she can not seem to remember. She is consuming too much of her time and energy in trying to figure out who she used to be when she thought she was happy. She wonders if she was ever happy. It's been so long that she has felt like a wife should... she wonders if HE really ever loved her. She sits and thinks... she is not sure.

    She NEEDS to remember that she IS the same SELF that she was. Even if she can not remember... She is a wonderful Mother, Sister, Friend and Wife. She is loved.

    She MUST stop living her life through her Marital Status. BE WHO YOU ARE! She needs to STOP questioning her SELF and question what she feels and why. She needs to dig deep into her memories and try to remember that plan that she had, dust if off and DO THE DAMN THING!!!! Did she ever want to go to school and have a career? She needs to bury herself in her SELF and bring who she once was and who she is back together again so that she can be WHOLE.

    Her Physical SELF is a just a flesh suit on borrowed time. HER SPIRIT is her SELF. GOD comforts our SPIRIT... not our flesh. That is why we get sick and we have illnesses etc... She MUST feed her SPIRIT with all of the GOOD that she posses. She is a GOOD Mother and a GOOD Sister, a GOOD Friend and a GOOD WIFE. If her HUSBAND (who took the vow of marriage before GOD) can not see her SPIRIT... then he is the one BROKEN! She is just temporarily LOST in taking on the BURDEN of BROKEN SPIRIT.

    Do something for yourself.. something that you feel passionate about. Get LOST in that!!!!

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Donna Marie!

  • nikkicrumpet

    GEEEEZ woman....you sure know how to write to get a reaction. I'm sitting here all broken hearted for you. You deserve so much better. And don't you doubt for one single nanosecond that you are not deserving of that kind of love. He's a dipshit and doesn't realize what he's missing out on. I just hope someday you get the love you deserve. ARGGGH now I'm gonna go cry.

  • Shelia

    Evening, Justiney! I hope you're feeling a bit more chipper tonight! You're in my prayers, Justine! I mean it - you're really dear to me!
    Be a sweetie and thanks for popping in to see me! Is that why my tiny face shines? I thought it was because my complexion is a bit oily! Yuck! I like your explanation better!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia :)

  • Donna Marie

    Hey Woman... how are you feeling today??? I hope you enjoy the Holiday weekend!

    xoxoxoxo
    Donna Marie

  • Lisa (aka) French

    Well there are so many opinions here I don't where to start except to say this as simply as I can....despite our circumstances we can choose to be active or not in any given situation...meaning only YOU or I can decide what affects our moods...so with that said perhaps changing the latitude a bit might make positive changes in the home environment..step outside of yiour comfort zone and do the unexpected perhaps that could be the catalyst to positive change;) Love ya girl French;) xoxox

  • Happy To Be

    Love ya girl..thanks for coming by and may you have a great Memorial day weekend my friend...hugs and smiles Gl♥ria

  • Yaya

    Holy crap girl! You can write!

  • Cathy

    I'm not seeing the dog ate it post.. still showing your broken..hmmm.. love the background..may have to check out the cutest again.

  • Mariah

    YOU absolutely are deserving of that kind of love. This was beautiful. I hope the um... "fictional" funky one realizes how important and special you are

  • santamaker

    Justine, You are so beautiful, girl!
    I am so sorry for your loss but there comes to time to cut your losses and move ahead. If you are still in love with him, please seek counseling together. Better to face the facts then to continue to grieve and hope for someone who has moved on without you.
    Some where out there is the prince you deserve. You are too beautiful, inside and out to live without love.
    (((hugs)))
    Rose