Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sunday Scramble 3-28-10

Whew!  What a couple of weeks I've had.

Let's see what I can update you on.

Well, Mikayla got in more trouble last week than she's ever been in in her life.  Why?  Because she insisted on telling Madison that there is no Santa Claus.  Said she couldn't stand perpetuating the lie anymore.  She didn't actually say perpetuating, but that's what she meant.

I threatened her bodily harm if she went ahead with it.

She did it anyway.

WHOP upside the head.

I can't even tell you the trauma this caused all of us.  Madison crying hysterically, asking why we've lied to her all these years, Jimmy over the phone from Kansas City yelling at Mikayla, Mikayla in her room crying for hours... and punishment!  Ooh, for five days Jimmy let her think that her hip hop classes were a thing of the past.

Thank goodness I convinced him not to take that away.  It's the first thing she's ever done that she's truly passionate about.

I love my sister.  You all know that.

But sometimes she's stupid.

The night of my nephew, Jonny's, play, we all went out for dinner at a Chinese buffet.

Blech.  Ptooey.  Need I say more?

But as we were sitting there over dessert, all of a sudden Jill looks at me and says, "Man, this ice cream is cold!"

Now what would you do or say if your beloved sister said something so completely ridiculous?  I mean really, was the ice cream supposed to be tepid?  I wanted to smack her, but instead I just called down the table to my brother and loudly announced what she'd just said.  Ya know, to make her feel even more stupid.  Jeff, of course, was not surprised, but rolled his eyes anyway.

Then, days later Jill and I are on the phone.  She's telling me about seeing her friend's mother's house for the first time and how beautiful it is.

Jill:  You should see it.  It has a porch that goes all around and then those big, tall cylinders.  So pretty!

Me:  Excuse me?  Did you just say cylinders?

Jill:  Yeah, what was I supposed to say?  Oh duh!  I mean, colanders!

Me:  Really Jill?  They have giant colanders on their porch?  What?  They have massive amounts of pasta to drain?

Jill:  Oh.  Shit.  What's the word I'm looking for?

Me:  Columns, you asshole!

See?  Stupid!

Love you sis!

I'm excited and I'm nervous.  I've decided I'm going to take online courses and get a certificate in medical transcription!!!!  I have two different schools I'm looking at and am just waiting for Jimmy to look them over and see which one will work best for me.  I know which one I want to use, but dammit, it's $5,000 for the course, versus $800 at Penn Foster.

This could potentially open up a whole new world for me!

Remember the pictures of all those adorable armadillos I showed you weeks ago?  Seems the poor rototillers are dropping like flies around here.

Actually, it's more like they're dropping like animals being shot by pellet gun-totin' neighbors who are out for blood.

I shit you not.  They're working together, the neighbors.  They've formed a regiment of sorts.  One traps, one shoots, others look on, another disposes without Justine seeing.

Last week, I was sitting out here in the bitch cave, minding my own business as usual, when suddenly I see 3 or 4 people skulking around the side of my next door neighbors' house.  Yes, I said skulking, because that's exactly what they were doing.  Grown men and a woman actually tip-toeing as to not alert me to their presence.  But I saw the murderers.

I just didn't know they were murderers at the time.

I raised my hand to wave at my good friend and wouldn't you know she looked down, turned around and the whole gaggle of them skulked away in the other direction?  One of them holding a garbage can?  They actually turned in unison like synchronized swimmers (Buzby Berkeley comes to mind) and walked away guiltily in the direction they'd come from!

I grew suspicious (wouldn't you?), so emailed my good friend to ask what they had been doing.

She said, "Well, Tim had an armadillo trapped in his trash can and we didn't want you to see and make you sad.  So we turned around."

Hmmm... What else?

"Well, we kind of bought a pellet gun to get rid of these things.  They're digging under the foundation of our houses now!  They've gone rogue!  Four down at my last count."

Then, a few days later, while on the phone, she says, "Hey, did you see the picture on my Facebook page?  It was on my front porch so we killed it with a shovel.

Oh.My.Goodness.  It's a harmless garter snake for goodness sakes!  These beautiful animals eat the disgusting vermin.  Stop squishing them!  Squish the vermin!  Hell, you can even shoot them with the pellet gun if it'll make ya feel better.  Leave my critters alone!

Holy crap, am I still living in Saint Augustine, or have I been transported to Buttmunch, West VA?  We don't shoot things in these parts!  We trap them humanely and release them a few miles from our neighborhood.

At least that's the way it used to be done.

I'm thinking it's time to move.

Or get new friends.

Does it occur to anyone else that I'm really not fit to live in suburbia?  Me, the critter lover, is meant to be out in the wide open, with animals walking up to my porch to be hand fed, birds alighting upon my raised hand, pecking gently at the organic seeds I offer.

I truly feel that my destiny is to commune with cattle like Temple Grandin.

I would just look a wee bit better while doing so.

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

22 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Amy

    There is never a dull moment in your house! Ever!

  • Grand Pooba

    Are you saying you were born to milk cows?

    Oh my God, Jill is hilarious. When I say hilarious I mean extremely dumb. I love her!

  • wendy

    I don't know whethere to start with the "last" one and go up or start with the "first" one and go down.
    and if you understand that you are a genius.
    You make me laugh so freaking hard sometimes. I want you to know, MY BUSH DOES NOT FLAP IN THE BREEZE.
    you nut job

    and trust me, communing with the cows would be yuky...have you seen those cow pies. They do have beautiful eyes though.

    I love those comments about your sister. she sounds, um, hate to admit, kinda like me. We have 4 wood colonders on my porch too.

    and NO SANTA!!!!!!!!!! what.....since when

  • Amy

    Hmm.. where to start. Luckily my son went along with the whole santa thing for my youngest. I think he was more disappointed when we finally told her.

    Colanders.. HA!

    Cold Ice cream... ya know.. i can kinda relate with Jill on this one. I like my ice cream a ity bitty soft.. ;O)

    I'm with you save the critters! I battle with hunters girl. Keep your riffling toting ass out of my woods!

    We have a bazillion garter snakes. They usually end up beheaded by the mower, but that is not intentional.. well at least that's what the hub's says.

    Oh.. and congrats on Jill's new found freedom (and safety)!!

  • Jason, as himself

    I kinda wonder why we all just love perpetuating the lie so much, myself.

    Giant colanders around the porch? LOL.

    But Jill must really love you a lot. Cuz you're MEAN to her!

  • Jill

    Oh no........poor Madison. I explained to Alex that she must keep the secret for the younger kids. Luckily she agreed.

    At least they are not killing the critters in front of you and are sparing you that.


  • Lavender Chick

    AHHH! Temple Gradin! I take it you finally watched the movie... I have some Temple in me and regularly go sit on the ground and let my cows walk up to me and sniff and visit and look at me funny. It's a wonderful thing to do!

    I am SOOO proud of you on the medical transcription decision. Perfect thing for you to do because you can do it from home. I also think it's something that continues to be in high demand. Good for you!!! I'm going to stand up now and do the happy dance for you.

  • Sara's Sweet Surprise

    J~so what does this mean for the Easter bunny?
    We don't have CREEPY. ICKY, CRITTERS and the gun totein' vermin that come with it.
    I would have reported those "sulkers" to PETA along with a few rounds of buck shot to their sneaky butts.
    I've got posts that will be transformed into beautiful "colanders" soon, but to my disappointment ours are only decorative. Unfortunately we won't be able to strain massive amounts of pasta.
    Now it's time for "scramble eggs and pancakes!"


  • Cole

    No Santa?!?! Huh? Are you SURE?!?!

    Poor Madison!

    I have to say, life in your house is always interesting!

  • Missie

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • Gweny

    You tell Mikayla I cryed for hours after reading your blog and discovering there was NO SANTA!!! Go girl, let me know what courses your going to take, I've been considering the same thing. I think Jill must be my twin. I hear myself in every word she says. LOL And do we all need to come to Florida and hunt down those neighbors of yours like they are the animals they are showing themselves to be???? Well, you do know how I feel about snakes!!! ECKKk

  • Susie Q

    I know the feeling about the Santa issue! Our Grace was still a hard core believer (even in the 5th grade, (many of the kids still do!)
    but had begin to question some day her brother picked her up at school and before they got home, we lost Santa, leprechauns, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, good luck from 4 leaf clovers and any other childhood magic there can be! "But MOM! You said when she started to ask questions, we would not lie!" he said...but her question was not really in need of THAT answer!!
    Oh well...she did alright with all of it but her dad and I have suffered!!



  • Susie Q

    I know the feeling about the Santa issue! Our Grace was still a hard core believer (even in the 5th grade, (many of the kids still do!)
    but had begin to question some day her brother picked her up at school and before they got home, we lost Santa, leprechauns, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, good luck from 4 leaf clovers and any other childhood magic there can be! "But MOM! You said when she started to ask questions, we would not lie!" he said...but her question was not really in need of THAT answer!!
    Oh well...she did alright with all of it but her dad and I have suffered!!



  • Ginger

    OMG you and Jill are a riot, especially together.
    Ahh, I feel bad for the girls, Mikayla for dropping the bombshell and getting into trouble, and for Madison to hear the ugly truth.
    Now, I have to say, I'm on your neighbor's side...I hate creepy crawling things, especially snakes.
    I know they are good for something, but I don't want them in my yard, being all scary.

  • Iva

    omg I am TERRIFIED of snakes. TERRIFIED. ugh UGH!!

  • Brianne

    i lurve your sunday scrambles! I feel bad for not linking up the past two weeks! :(

    i worry about the santa convo that will indeed occur one day. *shudders* your sister is a nut and makes me lol! ^_^

    poor garter snake, they eat things! they're good! (even though I don't like snakes) and i'm sorry about the armadillo murderers. i like to hunt, don't hate me for that, but even i don't think i could kill an armadillo!

  • Gucci Mama

    I love reading about your conversations with Jill - SO hilarious! Love her.

    I am SO PROUD OF YOU, by the way! That's AWESOME you're taking the medical transcription classes. You ROCK, mama. I am so excited for you!! Love ya. ;)

  • Mama Kat

    Awww your poor sister puts up with such crap from you. Bless her heart. ;)

    And I'm so sorry about Poo!! We have a new dog in the house right now and he scared my kitty so bad she spent the day hidden and peed and pooped all over herself. I was so sad that I hadn't paid closer attention to her. I can't imagine how I'll feel when she leaves us. Our first fur baby too. I hope you guys are doing better...certainly Strudel can distract you from being sad for too long!

  • Beckie

    That is soo great Justine!! Medical transcription! Yaay girl!!! And you can totally rock that too!

    And those poor animals!!! Just for being around they lose their lives?? Ummm hello murderers. People need to get a clue. ANimals lived there before any of teh houses were there. People build their homes in these animals' habitats and then go on killing sprees. NOT RIGHT!!! I love hearing about bear attacks. Totally sounds awful but I do. People think that just because we are more intelligent (in a way) they can be the boss over animals and do as they please? Haha take that (as a bear rips off someone's head) grotesque aren't I? I'm one of those people who bawls over animal movies and when someone is dying in Saw it doesn't phase me. someone has to be a advocate for animals. Your neighbors. Suck. Period.

    And the whole Santa thing is a hard thing. We're raising Hannah to know that Santa once existed and how fun it is to pretend he's still around but he doesn't exist now. We do Santa pictures though and play with it but she knows better. I remember what it was like to be 6 and crying my eyes out because my dad forgot to hide the reciept for all my toys. Being lied to sucked and honestly, I couldn't trust him for a very long time after that. I couldn't see doing that to Hannah, my heart would break. So I definitely feel for your sweet girl :( Poor thing. Tell her a giant ice cream from Baskin Robbins, always makes it better, LoL. Oh wait, that's probably why I'm 30 pounds overweight...Scratch that, never mind....

    I love you Justine and am so proud of you! You are incredible. Screw the haters. They are just jealous and in awe of you. It's a shame they can't BE you therefore they hate. I'd love to be you too ;) I just don't have enough neighbors in Farmville or real life, LoL.

  • Sara's Sweet Surprise

    Bravo Beckie...well said.
    J~ you've got some awesome friends and supporters here.

  • bj

    wELL, this is the first comment I have been able to leave due to googlemania!

    So sorry to be so late getting to SS...oh, the Santa Clause thingy happened at our house a long time ago...but it was from kids at school. Deeds, 8 years old now, still *belives* and Stacy has threatened to cut off the head of ANYone that says otherwise...:))

  • Jenny

    You are sooo hilarious.

    But...gulp...what do you mean there is no Santa Claus?