Friday, August 14, 2009

Friday Fragments, Perfect For My Scattered Brain

Yippee! It’s time for another Friday Fragments post!

Friday

I love doing Friday Fragments, originating at Half Past Kissin’ Time, because there are so many things that slither through my brain that just aren’t worthy of a full post, but still need to be said. And then what I think will be a nice short post turns into a novella. I apologize in advance.

I’m Shattered

A couple weeks ago I had to go see Larry for a hair cut. As usual, he whacked away with his razor and at times was literally stabbing it point- first into the back of my head to thin it out. I swear, I was just waiting for him to poke a hole through my skull. When he was done, he was describing the different techniques he’d used on the different areas of my furry head, and said, “And over here I shattered you a bit.” This is obviously stylist- talk of some sort. I have no clue what it means and didn’t bother to ask. Maybe Nikki from The Scarlett Rose Garden can explain?

Hooked on Phonics

Okay people, it has come to my attention that some of you are still confused about how to pronounce my nick-name of Tiney. It is not pronounced tiny, as in look at his tiny pecker. It is not pronounced tinny, as in Rin Tin… Tinny has a tiny pecker. It is, however, pronounced Teeny, as in look at his teeny tiny, tinny pecker.

Whew! I’m so glad we’ve gotten that straight now. For a wile thare I wus thinking I wood hav to start riting fonetickly for all uv u.



Little Cesar

A while back, an acquaintance of ours suggested we buy the book Cesar’s Way, written by the Discovery Channel’s Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan.

I ordered the book and as soon as it was delivered Jimmy started reading it. And reading it. And implementing every frickin’ thing Cesar wrote in said book.

Over the course of the last few weeks I’ve heard things like:

  • Do not greet Strudel when you come in the door. Ignore her. (Aw, but look at that face! She’s so cute and she’s happy to see me, right?)

Could YOU resist this face when you walk in the door?

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  • Do not feed Strudel until after she has had a walk. She needs to feel like she’s earned her food by doing a job. (I’m assuming walking is considered a job to a canine? Unfortunately, I don’t do dog walks in the 90 bazillion degree heat. Does this mean she can only eat when the hubby is home?)


  • Give her the food, but then take it away for a while. She has to know you are the alpha in the house. (Already did this on my own quite a few times, thank you very much)


  • Don’t talk to her in that stupid voice you use. (Excuse me? Fuck off!)


  • Never feed her hot dogs. They’re disgusting and full of nitrates. (Yeah, you’re right. I’ll just save them for your children.)


The list of new rules goes on and on and Jimmy really has taken them seriously. For the three or so full days he’s been home in the last month! He reads one book on dog behavior and thinks he’s the dog whisperer!



Icky Doodles

Speaking of Strudel. Funky things had been going on with her poop, things I will spare you. This time. So after a week of looking at funky poop I bring her to the vet. Dr. Maria says she needs a poop sample larger than what they can get with that plastic stick they shove up a dog’s butt. So, I brought her outside to do her business. And then had to scoop it up with this little bitty spoon and put it in this little bitty bottle. While someone sat in their BMW with very dark tinted windows and watched me. I couldn’t see them, but I could feel their eyes piercing me, could sense their laughter as they sat in their air conditioned luxury car, watching me scoop shit like I was making an ice cream sundae. $200+ later, the poop tests all come back negative. Meaning, Strudel has to learn to stop eating everything on the lanai that moves. Oh, and plastic cups. She loves her some plastic cups.



But look at how big she’s getting on a diet of frogs, toads and cups!

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OMG, she’s shrunk!



Okay, so that’s Gabbie, a neighbor’s dog. On my way home the other morning I found her wandering the street, panting with the heat. I scooped her up into the car and brought her home until I could find her owner. Thank goodness her tags had a phone number. Found out she belongs to the people that live in the house we used to rent on this block. Three and a half hours later they finally came to get her. No thank you or anything, just a “Hi Gabbie!” Dumb shits. Wish I could have kept her. She’s so so sweet.



Bitch of the Week

Mikayla! Pre-teen hormones. Need I say more?

I had The Talk with her a week or so ago. Oh my, the amount of giggling we did. I know, it’s my responsibility as a parent to be mature in matters such as these. But I’m sorry, talking about ejaculation and hard-ons with my 12-year-old apparently causes me to laugh.

Jimmy had previously bought her a book called It’s Perfectly Normal. I had her read the pertinent parts and then let our question and answer session bounce from there. I took a picture of her reading it. Look at that face!



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I covered it all people. From self gratification to oral sex, to same-sex relationships. I had to because the book touched on each one of those subjects. Ugh.

This kid is now educated, Mama Tiney style.



Gifts From the Heart???

The last time my parents came for a visit my mom came into the kitchen to kiss me hello and handed me a gift. It was a steel scrubby for pots and pans.

STAINLESS STEEL SCRUBBERI think I said, “Oh thanks Mom, I really needed one of these. Those copper ones suck.”

My question is, what was it that led her to stop by her kitchen cabinet while walking out the door to leave for my house and grab a damn scrubby? I hope the next time she gets that urge she’ll veer off to the family room and grab one of those gorgeous stained glass lamps of theirs…



Creepy Crawliness

The other night Jimmy was trying to get the charcoal in the grill to really take since it was a bit damp. He squeezed on a bunch of lighter fluid and the flames went up in a WOOSH. I don’t know where they had been hiding, but as soon as that flame did its thing, baby spiders came out from everywhere, hanging from the lanai ceiling and swinging back and forth. It was really quite disgusting and I was itchy for the rest of the night. Not to mention that two crawled on me and met a very quick death. SQUISH.



halloween_dangle_spidersWTF?



Tell me. Who on earth would name a residential street Beluthahatchee St.? I ask this because I pass this street often and it befuddles me. Can you imagine having to recite your address over the phone? Yes, you heard me right. B-E-L-U-T-H-A-H-A-T-C-H-E-E.



I’d move.

Pretty in Pink

I think Jimmy may have threatened my life if I shared this with you, but hey, it’s worth the risk, especially when he only comes to my blog on very rare occasions. (Hey SH neighbors! Do not tell him about this, got it?)



While away in TN on business, the rest of the team had a good time playing practical jokes on him. He showed me this picture yesterday but refused to send a copy to my email, thinking knowing I would put it on my blog. Sorry, but it’s too amusing not to.

So I got sneaky. When he left the house last night I took pictures of the picture! Heeheehee! It looks so distorted, but I guess that just makes it more funny, eh?

Jimmy, modeling his bright pink hard hat, his work boots with bright pink laces with colored lollipops on them and, pretty pink pom poms. Oh, I just love this shit. Hey, you let someone take this picture? Stood there and posed for it? In my eyes, that gives me carte blanche to blog about it.



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IMG_2738



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Eye Goober

I have this growth at the inner corner of my eye. It’s been there for years, steadily getting a little bit bigger. Every time I’m with Jill she comments on it and tells me to pop it. Um hello? It’s not a zit, I can’t pop it. I know this because I’ve tried. I’ve grabbed it with my tweezer and squeezed, but it just won’t budge. Doc says it has to be surgically removed.

Anyway, I’ve told you in another post that Jimmy never really looks at me. It’s now proven because the other night while standing outside during the awards ceremony, he gave me this odd look and said, “You’ve got a big goober in your eye.” I said, “It’s not a goober! It’s a growth and I’ve had it for years!” He said, “Have it removed.”



Non-observant asshole.

Look, I even took a picture of it.

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Ewww… those macro shots are wicked scary, huh?



And in true YaYa form, who in turns gets it from Lee, at Perpetual Burn, I leave you with a picture of me at this very moment. Again, scary shit. (Note to self: Remember to wear makeup on FF days.)

Picture 010



Go visit Jill, yada yada yada. Love me, love her, yada yada yada.

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30 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • blueviolet

    You and random need to get married.

    Her expression whilst reading the book Jimmy gave her is hilarious. But, really did you need to go into ALL of those details? Good Lord! Save a thing or two for a follow-up, would ya?

    You better not really have tried to pop that with tweezers. You are out of your mind! Just get it taken off and be done with it.

    What would I have done if I had never met you?

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    'Shattered'? Hairdressers sure have their own language, don't they? And when I think I've got it figured out so I can explain what I really want done, they change it up and still mess up my hair. Next time I'll see how they react to 'shattered'... ;)

    Teeeeeeeny...OK, got it! ;)

    My hubby would turn into Cesar if he read the book, too...and it would drive me crazy, so thanks for the heads up, I won't be buying the book! ;) Glad Strudel's poops are OK! :)

    Heh, love the picture of Mikayla while reading the book...Princess Nagger will probably smirk the same way when we cross that bridge... ;)

    Is your mom trying to tell you something?

    Ewwwww on all the spiders - they probably figured "Hmmm... BBQ attracts bugs...dinner!...nom nom nom!"

    HA! Jimmy's stylin' those pretty pink accessories! :)

    Um, yeah - get the growth removed. ;)

    Happy FF! :)

  • Laila Of Course!

    hahahah. Loved this post. And that photo of your daughter reading the book is preeeecious. Probably how I looked when I got the (da-rumrollll) Talk. But at the very least you're tackling it before the school does!

    ANd thanks for your comment! YES I will be talking more about Islam soon (hint COUGh hint) since the month of Ramadan is coming up and I need to pop some misconceptions. SO wait for that!!

  • bj

    O, Tiney...you so make me laugh. I need to live next door to you!!
    With 7 grand girls around, harmones are runnin' wild and I am sure THE TALK has been given to the 3 11 yr. olds this summer.
    Bless your mom's heart..bet she just had an extra scrubber and thought you might need it. Did it have a big red bow on it?
    That is the cutest dog..bet he is a good one, too...even if he does eat critters! ;O)
    Ok...WHY in the world would they even MAKE hardhats in PINK??
    Bill is using the full mask for sleeping...he seems to be doing really good with it. He tried just the nose thing but it put so much pressure on his nose..he didn't like it at all. I think he is going to be fine with it. During his study, he quit breathing 127 times during the night. Boy, you quit breathing a LOT of times, girl. So glad you are doing something about it.
    And, yes, darlin'....you need to think about getting the growth removed. Those things have a way of turning into something nasty!!
    I'm fixing to send you an email...

  • Four in Costa Rica

    Girl, I should know better than to visit your blog while I'm eating lunch!

    So funny about Jimmy (pretty in pink, indeed!) and also the street name. Remember when Lori lived on Graceful Lane? I used to think that was hilarious.

  • Michele

    I'll have to ask Cassie about that "shattered" thing...since she's going to cosmetology school..I'll let you know!

    OMG, I so could not ignore that little Strudel face when I walked in the door. What kind of person is this dog whisperer anyway?

    Ahhhh, pre-teen hormones..and it never gets any better, let me tell ya. I still don't know what kind of mood Cassie is going to be in when she walks in the door...and now it's even worse since she's pregnant...YIKES!

    Have a great weekend!

    Hugz,
    Michele

  • Stephanie

    I am petrified of "the talk". You know how I am about bathroom words.

  • Grand Pooba

    Oh my god, where do I start? I'd rather have a growth in my eye then talk to a 12 year old about blow jobs. Just sayin.

    You could have left that spider story out ya know. You are awesome for taking a picture of a picture in order to share your husband's girly side!

    And as always, I want Strudle. One of these days I'm going to find you and steal sweet Strudle so she and my Dozer can get married.

    I already know how to pronounce Tiney, I didn't even have to email you to ask how either. People are so stupid sometimes.

    That's all.

  • imjacobsmom

    Hi Tiney, Thanks for the heads up that you posted another Friday Fragments. I think that I break every rule with Miles and other past dogs and they are/were the best dogs ever. I squeak and squeal at him. I pet him instantly as I walk through the door. I feed him treats hand over fist, and I let him sleep on my bed if he wants to. I've always had decent dogs. However, if you have a rambunctious pup like Marly, I bet you'd need to keep them in line. I had one schnauzer that was a complete stinker. We got him right before our divorce and I left him with my ex-husband. They deserved each other. ~ Robyn

  • Kristen

    Damn girl! Too much too comment on.

    As for the Dog Whisperer book. I say you buy your hubby a how to Romance and Please your wife. Let's just see how that turns out. You could even cover up the front and re-title it "How To Train Your Wife". Loved the hot dog comment...lmfao!

    For the pot scrubber. I think your mom just handed you a bunch of old person pubes...

    And I thought my street name was long... commoniwannafuckyou drive

    moving on...

    Umm. I think your hubby is GAY!

    My mom has one of those eye things. Interesting...I so wanna stick a needle in it. I say try it just for the hee of it. Umm. Just don't miss.

    Loving the pout...that must have been taken after the macro shot. Which I don't dare do btw.

    There. I came over. Are you happy now! Well, are ya?

  • Kristen

    And don't even think about trash talking any of my spelling errors!

  • Shelia

    Hi Justiney! I know how to say your name and I love my name for you! Oh, my what a busy gal you've been - getting all shattered and dogged and the facts of life guru and hubby in the pink! I just knew I'd be smiling when I left your blog!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Ginger

    Your post didn't update at all on my blogger list or dashboard. I wonder what happened. This is too funny of a post to miss.
    Hairdressers have their own lingo huh? I wonder if shattered is a fancy word for thinning.
    I figured out how to pronounce your nickname by just saying Justiney...tiney.
    I watch Cesar once in awhile too. I think some of his methods are good, others suck. How can you not give Strudel attention when she gives you that sad look? And why would hotdogs hurt her when she's already eating plastic cups?
    The talk you had with Mikayla was pretty detailed...no wonder she was smurking. I bet she called all her girlfriends when you walked out of the room.
    Oh crap....busted. I've done the same thing to my daughter-in-law. I gave her a Mr. Magic cleaner thing. No wonder she doesn't call me anymore. lol. She probably said Bitch if you want this place clean, do it yourself with your Mr Magic.
    That's gross about the spiders jumping out of the bbq. Yuck.
    I would hate writing my return address on everything with that street name. But at least it's a name. Here in Utah they use numbers...we are at 1040 E. 400 South at 900 West ....wtf? I can't find anything here.
    And a pink hardhat and shoelaces...you are right too funny not to share. You know he is going to find out you posted that.
    Does that growth by your eye hurt or bug you? I hope it doesn't get bigger and block your tear duct or something. Shame on Jimmy for not looking at you...after you shaved your legs and everything.
    Sorry to take up so much room, but I had to comment on everything.

  • Amy

    Now that is an explicit book. Here i was thinking I had it going on with the puberty book I got for My Girl. I can only agree that if you wear a pink hat and pom pom's, you must suffer the consequences. Oh.. and taking the risk of having you get p off at me, tell Jimmy have the stick from his butt removed. There i said it. Sorry.....

  • Cathy

    So let me get this straight...lol... is is Tiny or teany...just kidding.. let's just call ya pecker..

  • Yaya

    You crack me up!

    ...."Teeny"....

    Yeah, who the heck makes up the street names?

    I can't believe they didn't even say thank you for finding their dog??? What's wrong with people?

    Lol at your hubby implementing Caesar Milan!

  • Jill

    Justine, girl, you have to write a book. You are so fanfreakingtastic and hilarious.

    Do you take notes as these things happen for blog posts? I would never remember all that you do!!

  • Missie

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Donna Marie

    Justine,

    You keep me amused! (LOL)

    Oh geez... I havent had that talk with my Michaela yet... uughhhhh.

    I should get ready huh? Do you think Ceasar Milan's book would work? Ask Jimmy... LOL)

    xoxoxoxo
    Donna Marie

  • Missie

    I totally forgot to comment on the whole Gabbie thing. That totally sucks. I would have been in the middle of a panic/heart attack if one of my babies were missing. Why did it take them so long to get there and why no thank you??? What the hell??? She's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and is an absolutely beautiful little pup. I introduced myself to them when they first moved in and said welcome to the neighborhood and they quickly informed me they had lived in SH for YEARS in a MUCH LARGER home and sold it and are now renting. Well, la di dah what the heck are they doing slumming it on OUR street???

    I feel your pain with the Dog Whisperer crap. Chuck also thinks he's the dog whisperer. Not only has he read all the books but he watches the damn tv show too. I swear if I hear CALM ASSERTIVE or BE THE PACK LEADER one more time from him I'm going to throw a Pug at him. :o I think my dogs are perfect just the way they are. Well except maybe for Chico my chiciweekihuahua peeing on the $14k hardwood floor right next to his doggie litter box. I'm beginning to think there are only so many things a 3 pound chihuahua can store in his little brain and the concept of GETTING IN the litter box instead of being in the VICINITY of it is just more than his little noggin can process at this point. Hopefully he'll catch on soon because that Natures Miracle doggie pee cleaner is expensive!

    I think that Jimmy looks like one of the village people in his pink hard hat. :D

  • sue

    I so love your Friday-whatever-its-called-post!! But its too long for me to remember things to comment on! I enjoyed the whole thing tho!! Tiney, you are a grown woman, you should know who your President is and what he stands for, get with it girlfriend! :-))))

  • Cole

    Shattered? That's a new one...

    I'm my family's dog whisperer. Good news - the dogs are all well trained; bad news - they ONLY listen to me. I'm also anti people food for dogs. When one of my dogs got Cushings, and had to be put on Lysodren - all prior customs of sharing table scraps came to a screeching halt.

  • Jason, as himself

    OMG you write the longest posts!!!

    At least you have interesting things to say! :)

  • santamaker

    Goodness, thanks for catching us up on all of the happenings in your life!
    Girl.... I squirmed at the idea of having the talk with mine.. gave them a video and a book on the subject and said, "quiz on friday"...not really, I told them if they had any questions to ask me, they were too mortified to talk about it, so that was that!
    Kudos to you for having the balls to do it!
    I have one of those things on my eye lid and hubby keeps telling me to see the doc. We'll see.....

  • lilsista

    Get used to strudel's poop having wonderful things in it until she's at least 3 years old....How do you think our Roseie got sooo big?...Ha! Her favorite treat was the kids' sand pails...sticks....rocks....pretty much any toy left laying around! Thankfully she grew out of that and is now the best pooch you could ever ask for! I guess they have the terrible twos for at least 3 years ...Ahhhhhhh....but if you can hang in there it is soooooooo worth it!
    Have a great weekend!
    Smiles :0)

  • Tootsie

    okay lady...you are insane!!! totally goofy and very silly!
    How do you know we don't pronounce your name right? can you hear us ? lol
    I was calling you tiny....not teeny...but will change it now! lol
    I have a voice I use to talk to my animals too...I am sure most of us do. My pets are spoiled rotten...and are treated like members of the family...so we greet etc when we come...Jimmy would not like it here with our pet rule! lol
    speaking o pets...BUMBLEBEE is driving us insane. he is growing so fast...an is just as full of trouble as one guy can get!
    anyways...I am rambling...hope you have a good weekend!!! talk soon

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    You should know that I try to avoid teeny tiny tinny peckers as much as possible, but sadly admit to having seen a few of them. How do these guys even masturbate, let alone have sex?

    Do Not Listen to that dog whisperer! What is he...dog torturer? Ridiculous!

    I liked the pic you posted on Facebook with Mikayla's look of pure disgust while reading the sex ed book better than this pic, but this is cute too.

    Jimmy in pink...hehehe! I would have posted it too if for nothing more than revenge for failing to even notice your eye goober before this. Jimmy, you had it coming!

    Gabbie is too cute. I would have been tempted to keep her too. I got the same reaction once from my neighbor...after I found her 15 MONTH OLD TODDLER!!!! The child had been gone at least 20 minutes. I would have freaked. Not this stupid bitch. I was so tempted to call the cops on her. Later I did when I saw her children playing naked in the streets while she slept.

    As for the scrubber...did you know that crack addicts cut these up to use as filters in their crack pipes? If you ever go to a convenience store and see them buying these scrubbers or Chore Boy and a tire gauge, you know what they're up to. Not suggesting your mom wants you to smoke crack though, lol.

    Kady

  • Gayle

    I needed a good chuckle so I came directly here, and was not disappointed.
    lol
    Thanks,

    sniff...sniff, feeling better
    already.

    Gayle

  • Rachelle

    Strudel is getting so big! Hope she stops eating plastic cups so you don't have to do poop inspection anymore! Glad Mikayla enjoyed learning about the birds and bees - how come us parents have to go through stuff like that? Oh, and you look gorgeous in the pics in your previous post about the awards dinner. Sorry about your feet!

  • Anonymous

    Her whole family is preditory. That father of hers complaining HARD about his $150,000/year salary.
    Now we all know where she gets it.
    Should be automated anyways. You let the blacks in New Orleans off.
    Barely skilled labor.
    Reincarnated as milking cows, ironically.
    The enemy within:::His co-workers will pay for his behavior.