Sunday, August 2, 2009

Ever Hear the One about the Coach, The Crab, and The Spermatozoa?

In some regards, I consider myself a very lucky woman. I have terrific kids, the best sister on the planet, a wonderful yet insane family and, a husband who, if fails to make me happy is still a great, hard-working provider and a wonderful dad. More than many have, right?

And then comes my bloggy friends. Those men and women I’ve met over the past 14+ months here in blogland.

There are the weird ones, like C, Mariah, and the Holy Crappers, #1 and #2. There are the sweet and cuddly ones like Shelia, Picket, Gloria and BJ. There are the hysterically funny ones like Nikki and Robin and Pooba and Yaya. There are the ones that make you think, like Chuck, and the ones who open your world to things you’d not normally think about and in doing so break your heart… like Amelia and Lilly. The quirky, off-beat ones like Jason and Tami. The ones that take you on journeys to places near and far like Donna, Chris, and Xinex. The ones who make your life more colorful with their eye for gardening and design, like Tootsie and Gollum and Artie. And the ones who can cause you to be completely bloggerwhelmed because they tend to post 348 times per week, like Stacy.

I could go on and on because I know I’ve left out so many of the blogger buds I’ve come to love and care about. Like my idiot sister Jill. But I can’t list everyone… there are too many. And do you realize how long it’s going to take me to link all these blogs as it is?

But what the hell am I going on about? This isn’t a sentimental post about those whom I find near and dear to my heart. This is about the coach, the crab and the sperm!

Apparently I need to bitch slap myself back to the reality that is an actual quirky-dirky post.

Anyhoodle, several months ago, for reasons unknown to me, Nikki asked for my address. I gave it to her, I guess in hopes that she’d send Crumpet my way, ya know, give Strudel a reason to mature her ass- and nipple-biting self. (more on that at another time). Nikki, however, had something else in mind.

See, she had done this funny I Wish Wednesday post and she featured these adorable plush toys.



Well, I just got totally excited when I saw these cute little fluffies and left Nikki this message…

Justine said...

Ah, I really miss basements!
OMG, i so want that sperm plush toy!!! I want it I want it I want it!!!!!!
Justine :o )

So she bought me one and had it mailed to me! If only someone could have been there to record my face when I opened the box to find a stuffed sperm with a bow on his head, looking up at me. I think I had a perpetual smile on my face that day.

Unfortunately, I put him up on the kitchen counter, forgetting that my nosy children were going to pick him up and read his tag. It was easy to explain to Mikayla, but afterwards I had to put up with her questions: “Why would your friend send you a stuffed sperm? What are you supposed to do with a stuffed sperm? Sleep with it?” Not even gonna go there!

Madison? I told her it was a pollywog. She believed me too.

Blogger buds? Meet Seamour Sperm.


Now tell me that’s not an adorable face. Wait, do sperm actually have a face? Maybe not, but this one has eyes!



A friend of mine suggested that because of my current situation I should have named him SeaNo Sperm. Sorry Becky, the name sticks. Ew, that could have a double meaning, couldn’t it? Oh yeah, I went there!

And this concludes the sperm portion of our post. Now on to “The Coach”.

A few weeks ago, my friend Cole, over at All The Small Stuff had this really awesome giveaway. This was the second of her giveaways that I entered and the second I won! First time around I won a year subscription to The Bark magazine. It’s now a regular fixture in my powder room.

But this time I won this adorable pale pink Coach wristlet. Go Cole! You da woman! Go Cole! I wanna be your biatchhhhh! Now let me confess something. I have never even touched a Coach bag, let alone walked into a Coach store, so even this little bitty bag put me in a bit of a tizzy.

Look at how damn cute it is!


But wait. What’s that? There, connected to the strap? Holy smokes, it’s a price tag!


That’s right, ding-dong Cole actually forgot to remove the tag before mailing it, but hey, even at that deeply discounted price I now know that Cole is not a tightwad and, apparently enjoys spending copious amounts of cash on people she’s never met. Hey, more power to ya honey, as long as the stuff is coming my way!

When I emailed Cole my thank you and a giggle about knowing how much she paid, she sent me a return email with a *blush* and some embarrassment, knowing I’d point out her faux pas on my blog. How could I resist?

And that concludes “The Coach” portion of this post.

Now we have The Crab.

When I opened the package from Cole, not only was there a cute card and my adorable Coach wristlet in there, but also a toy for Strudel! Cole and her pups sent Strudel a squeaky crab! Oh, how cute! Look!

IMG_2646Cole requested pictures of Strudel tearing him to pieces, but I did one better. I took video of the moment I gave it to her. Here we go!

***Disclaimer: Excuse the dented and uncovered garbage pail. Was just about to empty it. Lying. And that stupid step stool that the kids keep bringing into the kitchen. And the numerous dog toys on the floor. And the leash. And the dirty floor.***

So now you understand the title of this post, eh? The Coach, The Crab, and The Spermatozoa.


Now am I not a lucky girl? Who wouldn’t want a stuffed sperm to call her own? Who would be so stupid to not love a little Coach bag? And the crab? I think I hear Strudel ripping him apart right now. Ah, it’ll be fun while it lasts!

Oh yeah! I also won a fab giveaway at Shannon’s blog, Welcome to the Nuthouse. It was sponsored by Madison Reese Designs and is the cutest handmade pendant. Lookie! Thank you Shannon!

IMG_2535 (800x600)

Go visit Jill, yada yada yada. Love me, love her, yada yada yada.


36 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • bj

    WELL !! You must be doing something right, little girl...winning a LOT of really cool stuff here. Now, the sperm...well, ok..that sounds just like NikkiCrumpet!! She once posted on Rate My Space, many years ago, about a naked man behind a shrub and "come on girls, after him" and was so convincing that I almost ran out my door in a mad dash...Mr. Sweet stopped me just in time before making a complete fool of myself. Another time, we were all acting like dorks and posting photos of our roosters (now I wonder who started it?) and Nikki didn't have a rooster in her cute, she ran to the freezer, took a frozen chicken out, laid it on the counter and took a photo...then posted it to RMS. I'm tellin' ya..that was 4 or 5 years ago and I STILL wake up nights, laughing myself into a fit. She is somethin' else ! I love 'er!!

    Oh, and I'll take a pic of my cottage (remember, it is a 1950's ranch TRACT house) and send it to ya. Nothing to write home about but I raised 2 kids here and 10 grands that call it Memaw's house, so I gotta love it for that reason alone...!! :O)

  • Amandasaurus

    I'd rather think of that plushie as a pollywog, but I suppose as far as sperm go it's the least repulsive image I could conjure up....

  • Kristen

    I prefer to read it as the Cooch with crabs and sperm. Sound to me like a five dollar whore!

    Congrats on all your wins!

  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    You're a very lucky lady Justine! Loved Strudel & the crab! ☺ Diane

  • Stephanie

    I think Seamore will make a really nice throw pillow. Especially when you have company.

  • Grand Pooba

    Holy hannah mother of sperm! Dude, I need to start entering some giveaways and shit. Hmmm, crab and sperm in the same title can get one's mind going the totally wrong direction. Not that mine did, I'm just sayin.

    Me want sperm.

    And poop.

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    OMG, that stuffed spermy is hysterical! So is that the situation that led to you having "the talk" with Mikayla? lol

    You're so lucky to win the pink coach purse, though I must say I think you more than earned it because you sent about a zillion people over to Cole's blog.

    Love the little crab too. Strudel sure was having fun with it. My Jake, on the other hand, just simply IS a crab! However he has never bit me on the nipple, even though mine are closer to the floor now that I have turned 50. Oh well.


  • SchmeckyGirl

    Justine has crabs! Justine has crabs!!!!

    Strudel is so big! How cute. You got some great stuff Justine. cool!

    You forgot to say you wanted to name it SeaMore Sperm, thus my SeaNo Sperm! lol.

  • squawmama

    Well I love Seymour sperm... He is just adorable but I thought he was one eyed for a while... What fun gifts you received girlfriend... And what can I say about Strudel... how cute!!! Loved the little video... Have a great day my friend!


  • Gayle

    And, Stru-stru is so damn cute.
    Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today more than you know!
    Love and kisses,

  • blueviolet

    Strudel was so cute chomping on the crab and soooo big now!

    I understand why you wanted that sperm. It really is pretty cute even though the tail is a little bit frightening. That is a tail of desperation. I'm going to encourage much wider use of contraceptives to the female population as a whole after seeing that.

    You rock with your crazy posts.

  • natalee

    oh my i laughed so hard about the sperm doll..Im going to get a few to give as christmas!!!...natalee

  • Tami

    Are those dang give-aways rigged or what? LOL

    Hmm.. I'm going to have to rethink giveaways either you are posting massive comments or I'm purely doing something wrong. *sad face.

    You are the most hilarious woman I have ever met. And this is why I love ya! HILARIOUS. You keep me on my toes!
    One day I'm heading to FL. and we're going to have a cannoli party, you me and Jill! I'll bring the cannolis. YES INDEED.


  • Anonymous

    Congrats on all of your goodies! I love your posts... I hang on every word!

    Donna Marie

  • Jill

    What the hell.. You win four things and I get nothing except being belittled on your post! HUH! You can go sleep with your sperm... I'd rather have a teddy bear!

  • Bird Shit and Baby Caca

    OMG! Great gifts!

  • roy/elisabeth dean

    Wow! CHRISTMAS for TINEY! What great gifts!
    Nikki had told me she was going to send you the sperm toy.....I've been waiting for you to post about it!
    You deserve every bit of the goodies you've received...and more!
    Have a great day~

  • angie

    Was this your lucky week or what?

    Holy Linkage. How long did that take you? You ARE a good bloggy friend! :)

  • Mariah

    I really want the poop stuffed animal. Ther'es a LOT of links in this post!!

  • Swirl Girl

    And here I was ready for a good bedtime story to maybe share with the little ones...uhm NO!

    love the pollywog!

  • Shelia

    Hi Justiney! Oh, honey, you hit the jackpot! Well, I just don't know about the stuffed sperm! At least your Seymour Sperm can't talk! He won't say "Feed Me!" (hope you've seen Little Shop of Horrors) :)
    That is a darling little pink bag! Too cute!
    Now Strudle and the crab. That almost sounds like a little children's story! :) So cute. How that puppy has grown! Love love him!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • santamaker

    You CRAZY girl! I guess there must be others out there just as crazy, because I'm sure those pillows are going to be selling out.
    Be sure and show us just where you decide to display this classy little number.
    Ummmmm... just trying to decide if i can forgive you for forgetting to mention just how much you love me on your post.... okay, I'll let it go, just this once! :OP

  • Cole

    Ah, I knew the embarrasment was coming. Hahaha! The great video of Strudel playing with her new toy made it worth it. :-)

  • Mrs. B. Silly

    What a haul! You are one of the luckiest bloggers I know!

  • Amy K.

    Congrats on the cool and definitely interesting gifts! Your dog was adorable with the crab! Oh, guess what? You have a new follower! I just started a blog last month. Hey everybody else is doing it, why can't I? Please pay me a visit? *hugs* - Amy

  • Amy

    This was a fun post to read. A really a sperm.. It did look cute. I love coach purses and have two. I know I went and found them on sale but not that great price you got. I loved the crab poor got it. Thanks for coming by when BV posted for me (A Nut in a Nut Shell) I hope you come by on my Friday event. This Friday I am hosting a Round Robin...

  • Melissa Miller

    Hello Justine,
    It's soooo nice to meet you! Love your blog! It's not everday I laugh so hard reading a blog post. LOL!!!!! LOVED this post and the sperm...HEHE! The doggie too!

    Thanks very much for entering my giveaway and the sweet B-day wishes! I really appreciate it and hope you will visit me again soon. I know I'll be back here.
    Can I add your B-day date to my post? You must have one about now right?

    Have a blessed day my friend.
    ~Melissa :)

  • Ginger

    I had to come to the library to read your post so I could see the video (you know the high speed problem). Strudel is so darn cute. Makes me want to send her a bunch of toys to tear up.
    What happened to your trash can, did it get run over? lol.
    Leave it to Ms Nikki to send you a stuffed sperm. Love that gal.
    I hope you enjoy your coach purse. I bought one at the outlet in Vegas and just love it. I also bought a leather keychain from Coach that has a heavy metal clasp that clips on a ring inside the purse so you can find your keys easily.
    I'm glad to see Melissa came over to say hi to you. She is the sweetest gal.

  • nikkicrumpet

    I hope people don't take it wrong that I gave you sperm. If taken out of context I could get thrown out of my church lol. I'm glad you liked the little beast...he is sooooo you!

  • Anonymous

    Hahahahahaha!!! Stacy...

    So honored I made your list!

    And I am so gonna get that sperm for my husband to thank him for being able to present sperm on cue in a closet room at our doctor's office with old porn so that it can be used for our insemination. Now that is love.

  • Anonymous

    PS Thank you for visiting my guest post at Amy's!

  • Rachelle

    Wow - you are really lucky! Congrats on all the cool gifts! I have never seen a stuffed sperm before!

  • Ann

    I have GOT to get some of these stuffed... things. Great idea!

    Your pendant is beautiful. Enjoy!

  • Shelia

    Evening, Justiney! I'm still laughing about your little sperm pal!
    Thanks for popping in to see me!
    Are you being a good girl today?
    Well, be a sweetie anyway,
    Shelia ;)

  • Nikki via The Scarlett Rose Garden

    Ok, you just need one more stuffed sperm so you can put them over your eyes for giant brows, lol!

    I'm dying laughing at the crab video. Our "pet" voices are like none other, aren't they? I mean really... there is just one special voice that we do for our pets that cannot be duplicated~ not even for kids.

    Congrats on all your loot!! Maybe you'll win mine too!

  • Anonymous

    Don't stop posting such stories. I love to read articles like that. BTW add more pics :)