Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Excuse Me, But Have You Seen My Nipples Anywhere? ***Udated to Include BITCH OF THE WEEK!***

Natural springs are cold. Real cold. Just ask my nipples.

Sunday was our family picnic/birthday party for Alexa and Madison who both turn 8 this month, Alexa this past Thursday, Madison, today.

Jill rented a pavilion at De Leon Springs, we all coordinated who would bring what and a party was born. The parents, Jeff (my bro) and Pat, my three nephews, one of their girlfriends, Pat’s cousin and husband and their two kids, plus one of their boyfriends. That equals one Polack (Jimmy) one hybrid (Mark) and a lot of loud Italians, all under one wood and metal, wasp-infested roof.

After an hour and a half drive we finally arrived at 10:30 a.m. and were the last ones there. There were doughnuts, assorted loaf cakes and bagels to munch on until lunchtime.

But the water beckoned. We all knew what we were getting into. We’ve all been to natural springs before. People may tell you that swimming in the frigid water of the springs is akin to a woman forgetting labor pains soon after the birth of a baby. You’ll forget just how cold it feels when your heat-soaked big toe hits the water. They lie. The bastards all lie. For one, I can easily recall the excruciating pain of childbirth. Hell, sitting here thinking about it right now I feel the need for an epidural and a tranq. Just as I remember the feel of that icy-cold water creeping slowly up my body as I take step after tentative step down those slime-encrusted stairs.

But in we went. Very. Very. Slowly.

Once you get up to your thighs you think to yourself, “I can do this. I can barely even feel my legs anymore. How bad could the second half of my body be? But oh. Then the water slithers to your waist. That gives you a bit of a shock, but it’s nothing… nothing close to the shock you feel when the girls hit the water. It’s at this point that you either sink or get the hell out of the pool. Iced-up nipples be damned, I’m going in! And I did, but with a look of such horror on my face that Jill and cousin Donna cracked up watching me.

And ah, but it does feel quite good once you’re sufficiently numbed from the neck down. My nephew, Justin, says to me, “Aunt Justine, wait till you dunk your head under and see how that feels.” To which I reply, “Justin, until the moment my head actually bursts into flame, I am not putting my head under this water!” And I didn’t.

If I did, I may have missed the entertainment of watching my mom and dad gingerly walking down the steps into the water. Now that was funny. Mom made it in first, gasping and moaning the entire time. She then wades up to me, Jill and Donna, all three of us cheering dad on. “Come on dad! Just get IN!” He got halfway in and my mom announces in a clear, high voice, “Look! He’s got his peter in the water!” O. M. G.! She did not just say that! Out loud! At the top of her lungs! Oh yes she did!

Mom! What the hell is wrong with you?”

What? I bet it’s all shriveled now!”

TMI! T.M.I.!!!!

I won’t even go into the discussions that followed. Poor Picket would swoon right off her chair. I’m not sure she could last 30 minutes around my family before calling out to Jesus to save her and all of us from the sin of loud and obnoxious crudeness.

Did I just write all of this just about getting into the water? Yep, I sure did. Sorry about that, but it truly is an experience. And we did dare my 21-year-old nephew, Jeffrey to dive in. And he did it! He went from burning hot to ice cold in .2 seconds. He said he was pretty sure his heart stopped for a moment there.

*****Edited to add*****

*Bitch of the Week:

This week's honoree is Jill! My loving, wonderful sister, Jill.

The second time we ventured to the water, I went down the steps first. BIG mistake. BIG. As I was squealing and whining about not being able to get in, Jill took it upon herself to push me in!!! In slow motion, I felt myself tipping forward, and the entire two secondstime it took to get dunked, I yelled "Biiiiiiiiittttttcccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!". My mother thought this was the utmost in hilarity. I guess it was. Kudos to you sis, but I'll get ya back when you least expect it!

Why is it that the kids don’t seem to have the same problem getting in water that cold? I mean, look at them! Do they look frozen to you?

That’s Madison, Justin and Alexa.

Brother Jeff refused to get in the water. He said it’s skanky with all the people that swim in it. I tried explaining the nature of the springs, how the water is constantly turned over by spilling over into the river, but nothing I said would persuade him to cool off.

So he looked like this much of the time.

The kids were cool and happy though!

Mikayla fell in love with this tree, and spent a lot of time just standing on its thick, old trunk.

Poopy Pants was a happy camper, having so many people to entertain her. Here she is with nephew Jeffrey. Isn’t he handsome?

See? She’s still in that damn tree! Little monkey!

And Mark “manned” the grill.

Uh huh. He looks happy.

Mom cut up some watermelon.

With a very sharp knife, I might add.

Oops! There’s Mikayla being a monkey again!

There was some standing around.

And some relaxing.

And a pinata!!!!!

Grandpa's turn!

Then Jill had the bright idea to blindfold cousin Nicky and give him the bat. Nothing good could come of this, right?

Had to do a little editing here because Jill bent down in front of the camera.

In her bathing suit. ‘Nuff said.

Sister in law Pat brought her game of Farkle and I decided we should strike up a game. I lasted 3 rounds before I started yawning. If it wasn’t for the various, “Excuse me, I just farkled” jokes I wouldn’t have made it that far. This game is boring!

But present time is fun! And boy did she make out like a bandit! So did Alexa for that matter.

And cake! Let’s not forget the cake!. Of course a nice storm had just rolled in so it was impossible to light the candles. So, we kind of made due.

Did I mention Strudel came too?

One of my favorite times of this day was when I took a solitary walk over to the river docks and just leaned against the railing, watching people fish for brim with hot dogs on their lines. My eyes were constantly scanning for an alligator or two since they are very prevalent here.

This was my view straight ahead.

And to my right.

This is where the springs empties out into the river.

It took quite a while, but finally, there he was in all his 10-12’ glory. Oh my, I just stood there in awe, hoping against hope that he’d turn and come in my direction. But it was not to be. To even get this picture I had to use the 16x digital zoom.

Is he not amazing? I stood watching him move gracefully through the water for quite a long time. The family thought perhaps I’d been abducted, but how could I just walk away from a sight as beautiful as that?

Seeing this big guy was just the icing on the cake of a very great day.

Soon it was time to say goodbye to each other and head home. Madison went home with Jill and is celebrating her (and my) birthday today with a trip to the movies and whatever else Jill dreams up. Tomorrow they’re off to Sea World to hang with Shamu. Happy Birthday Pincess! (Yes, that’s how I spelled it because that’s how I pronounce it when speaking to Madison) I love you!!!!!!

It was a long and wonderful day.

Yeah Stru, I think we all felt just like that.


Go visit Jill, yada yada yada. Love me, love her, yada yada yada.


45 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Ronda's Rants

    So fun...although I would never get in Springs...too cold!
    I couldn't believe the hotel we stayed in at Clearwater beach chilled the pool....
    Oh God...I love warm pool water!
    We had a gator that big in our back yard last May...scary!
    I am glad you had a Happy Birthday!

  • squawmama

    Hey girlfriend, Looks like you had a great day with the family celebrating those two little sweethearts’ birthdays... Funny not only do you freeze your nipples off but you forgot the part where you can't pee because that also shuts down. (At least for me) I love DeLeon Springs and the BIG gator was the icing on the cake... LOVE the wildlife. Have a fun day!
    Love Ya


  • Amy

    Eww... you wouldn't' catch me in that water either. Pretty to look at though. Peter, and shriveled up.. LMAO! Now I know where you get it. HA!

  • Swirl Girl

    all of that in one day?

    I don't know about you , but I need a nap after that your vacation

  • Jill

    I watched the video of Nikki about 3 times.. laughing so hard it hurt... omg..

  • Tootsie

    I hope you had a wonderful birthday Justine!!!
    It looks like everyone had a great time, the kids look adorable as usual...and your family is still as crazy as they always are! lol
    The alligator photos are very cool. Have you ever been any closer than that? I think I would have had to go at the closeness of this one!!!
    Have a great week friend!

  • Rachelle

    What a beautiful place! You got some awesome pictures! Looks like everyone had a great time. Happy Birthday to all!

  • imjacobsmom

    What a cool idea for a birthday party. Everybody looked like they were having fun and all. We have abandoned granite quarries around here that fill in with icy cold water from artesian springs. We used to sneak back into the woods and hang out and swim in them when we were teens. Now they turned the area into a county park. It's fun to visit because all of our old graffiti is still painted on the rocks. Okay, would an alligator swim in those springs? Were you that close to the thing? Don't they move kind of fast? ~ Robyn

  • Ginger

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! I sure hope you go out tonight and celebrate. What are you buying yourself?
    The party looked like tons of fun. Not so much about the cold water though. I doubt I could of gotten in it.
    The picture of the alligator was awesome, as was the monkey pictures. lol.
    Happy Birthday to everyone there...

  • Yaya

    Holy shizam that was quite the post!

    Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!

  • Cutters Point

    Only you could tell a story like this and make it so much fun!! Poor Picket (lol) Hugs and Happy Bday!!! Hugs French;)

  • Lisa (aka) French

    Umm I think I was signed in with hubby's work account but it was me;) French

  • roy/elisabeth dean

    Happy Birthday TIney!

  • sue

    Looks like a great day, you always have fun with your big family get- togethers!! Awesome gator pics too! Hey how come we had to find out from jill that today is your birthday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TINEY!!! (you are getting so old :-( !!! )

  • Lori

    Happy Birthday!!!! Seems like ya'll had fun....

  • lilsista

    Looks like you crammed a lot of fun things into just one day....Happy Birthday to you! Hope you had a good one! If you're looking for your nipples...try either side of your belly button...that's where I always find mine anymore :0)! Ha!

  • Dawn

    Okay, your spring is more like a river!! Ours is definitely a creek. And, there are NO alligators!! Sheesh!

    I love the cold, refreshing water, especially on a really hot day.

    The best way to go in is to just take a fast plunge! Once your in it isn't so bad. The nice thing is that it lowers your body temp and even when you get out you aren't hot the rest of the day! ha!

    Looks like you all had a blast!

  • Mrs. B. Silly

    Great post Tiney! Happy Birthday to you and to the girls!
    My mouth is watering with mention of doughnuts and watermelon. I'd brave all the crude comments just to get to chow down with your gang!
    Hugs, Gigi

  • Michele

    OMG I was crackin up at what your mom said about Dad's peter in the water. Glenn always says he's sproutin a tail when the water is that cold..lol!

    Looks like a fun time...not good tho getting pushed in that ice cold water!!!


  • squawmama

    OK I am back to wish you the bestest birthday ever... You old fart!!! I wish I was as old as you.(LOL LOL)Love ya girlfriend!

    ♫♪♫♪ Happy Birthday to you♪♫♪♫


  • hpabate

    Okay, my god was that an alligator? I live in Arizona so you will have to forgive my stupidity, but Jesus, can't say I would want to get back in after seeing him swim by.

    The water did look amazing though, and a lot of fun. What a great memorable day. It was fun looking at everything you shared. Happy Birthday Tiney.

    Take care, have a blessed day.


  • xinex

    Looks like a really fun birthday party, Justine. But I came over here from Jill. She said it is your birthday too., Happy Birthday! Hope you have lots and lots more to come! Awesome capture on that alli. Do you know our neighborhood made it to national news last year when an 8 ft alligator from the lake crossed our backyard to go to our next door neighbor trying to get into their pool....Christine

  • Shannon

    Y'all are too funny!

    Happy Birthday to you!!!

  • Mikki Black

    That was one epic post, girl! I really love watching you and Jill bicker via blogging, btw. It's pretty darn hilarious.

    Happy Birthday and whatnot.

  • Laila Of Course!

    Oh! Just discovered your blog and it is HILARIOUS. AHAHHA. Love the springs post! And a happy birthday to you!

    Be sure and pop by and leave a note! And please do follow-- it makes my day! :)


  • Sugar and Spice

    Hi! I saw your comment on Mckmama! I wanted to share my website with you: Sugarandspice1.etsy.com
    I will be donating a portion of all sales to the String of pearls to help families and babies like Stellan! I am trying to get it out there in any way I can! Please let your family, friends etc. I would really appreciate it!
    Thanks!! :)

  • Chocolate Covered Daydreams

    Happy birthday to another wonderful person born in July! I just knew you were good people! :)

    A little crazy though...you couldn't get me to swim where a gator was swimming. Nuh uh, sistah!

  • Picket

    Ok my cheeks are burning anymore and I have picked my jaw up off the floor from your mama's comment on your dad!!!! lol It would be a 'beam me up Jesus' moment for sure if I ever heard anything like that come out of my mama's mouth! lol lol I blush very easily incase you were doubting!lol

    Happy Birthday to you ..you little Toot and to the little ones as well...it looks like a great time but that alligator was just too close for me! Hope this has been a great day for you girl...~♥~

  • sue

    Hey Tiney, I came by to see who the bitch was, shoulda known, LOL!

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    Happy Birthday! Enjoy your last year in your 30s!

    That was a wild post. I sure loved the part about your mom talking about your dad's shriveled pecker in the cold water. OMG. I would have just died too.

    Sounds like it was a great day!


  • Tami

    I had to close out and keep coming back LOL, I am determined to COMMENT YOU!
    Loved the photos of the family! How fun is that! You guys ROCK!


  • bj

    OMG, what a wonderful day, Tiney. I can tell you love your family so much...even when you call your sis a BIIIITTTTTCCCCHHHH....I laughed so hard at your nipples...I bet they were hard as rocks. And, then I thought about the soap getting caught UNDER your boobs and laughed harder.
    THEN, when the alligator showed up I thought, My gosh...I wouldn't have got in ANY water around there for 1000 miles!! Ewwww, they scare the fire outa me.
    Your mom sounds like a fun gal to me...and I'm more than sure your dad had shrinkage out the kazoo!! hahahahaha...I love it.
    O, and your daughters are so pretty, Tiney.

  • Cathy

    Happy Birthday !!!!

  • blueviolet

    Your family get-togethers are seriously the best!

    Your poor dad's peter was called out. LOL

    The girls are beautiful!!!!! (Not your boobs, the real girls)

  • ♥georgie♥

    stopping by to wish you a Happy Birthday hope i am not too late!

    Looks like a fun Party for the girls...was that a gator where you all were swimming? my eyes are crossed not if i read things correctly

  • blueviolet

    I know I posted but I totally forgot to say the big HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I adore you, Justine!!!

  • raxx a day in the life

    Happy Birthday Tiney!!

    Now the springs is my idea of fun!! Bravo to you for getting in! Sunday I went to the beach and the water was warm, I hated it!!

    What I dont get is sharing water with aligators, I dont know............ but I would be in panic mode, even if it is some distance away.......

    I was hoping for a jucier 'bitch of the week!' Jill's pranks do not qualify because such behaviour is expected.....

  • cindy

    Looks like you all had a great time! Cousin Nicky is a hoot! Great aligator shots...you really didnt want to closer did you? Happy Birthday from me and Mr. Moose!~Cindy~

  • Tootsie

    ha ha ha!!! I shiver just thinking about that cold water!!!

  • Stephanie

    Happy Birthday! And I think that even if you doused me in gasoline, set me on fire, chased me around with hot pokers and tied a hot plate to my ass, I'd still be hard pressed to get in that water. But that's me.

  • Mariah

    Just so you know, I lost my nipples in Mammoth we were swiming and there was freaking snow on the ground 10 feet from us!


  • Secondary Roads

    Jill just sent me here to say, "Happy Birthday to you."

    Hope you had a great one.

  • bj

    Well, I am totally confused now...(have you noticed that you and I stay confused a LOT of the time?)
    I'm old, ya know!!
    I thought it was your 40th birthday..I wished you a HB..then, I see in your link...JILL'S BIRTHDAY. Are ya'll twins...HAAAAAAA...AAAAAAHAAAA. I just cracked MYSELF up.
    No, really?

  • Kristen

    Too funny. Your dad's shriveled peter. Jill bending over in a swimming suit. And your poor nipples!

    Happy birthday! Jill made me come by :)

  • Donna Marie


    Justine!!!! OMG I loved your pics! If Mikayla gets any prettier... your gonna have to hide her! She reminds me of a little Brook Shields in Blue Lagoon!:)

    I don't know about getting in to that cold water.... I am too much of a sissy! :)

    You sure can tell a story!!!! I cracked up the entire time! (lol) You are one sick puppy!!! LMAO

    I really loved the Aligator Shot! Wooohoooo! Seriously... how often does a person get to see a real live Gator unless they are Crocodile Dundee or some shit like that??? LOL Lucky you!

    I am glad you all had a great time! Happy Birthday woman!!!! :) ...and thanks for making me laugh!

    Donna Marie

    PS. I would like to take Photography classes... but I cant find any free or close to free ones in my area. In the meantime I am going to keep doing what I have been doing... reading my manual... and experimenting! :)