Hey Jill? I Fart On Your Head!

Before I even begin this post, I must ask you, no... beg you... NO... IMPLORE you, to first go here and read Jill's blog post called IF. Because if you don't, this won't make nearly as much sense. Not that a blog of this nature could ever make sense, but hey, it's just how us sistas roll. Now go ahead and read. I'll wait.

Okay, I'm assuming that you respected my wishes and read Jill's post, so let us continue. I just bet that my dear sister thinks that post embarrassed me. Oh how wrong she'd be! Don't we all fart? Yes we do, even you proper, ladylike, southern Picket! Gollum! women do it. Now don't you go shaking your head at your monitor like I'm lying. You know it's so! You may not fart, but you certainly poot at the very least!  And don't go thinking that Jill made up the term, IF.  That's been around since my high school days when me and my best friend Nikki had code words for lots of things so we could communicate across a classroom without anyone knowing what we were talking about.  Our biology teacher in 10th grade was BD.  Why?  Because he had this amazing bulge in his pants, so he was nick-named Big Dick.  Uh huh, it's true.  I can't even remember the man's real name, but I do remember what his corduroys looked like!  Yum!

Anyway, Jill had these questions about how her life would be different if I wasn't in it. I guess I should give her a rebuttal, huh?

If I never had my head smashed by an Aquanet bottle would my life be different?

Well sister, it may very well be different.  I hadn't thought of it before, but that bash in the head I gave you with the Aqua Net bottle could seriously be the stem of all your "Jillism" moments.  Maybe I knocked something loose in there... displaced some much needed brain cells for speech development?

If I could only walk into a store with her and not have to run out with embarrassment?

Now let's face facts.  I don't think I've seen you run since you were maybe 10 years old.  Waddle, yes. Run?  No.  What?  You don't appreciate it when I scream across the store, "But Jill!  Come back!  I want to try on some bras!!!"???
If I could just have one conversation on the phone with her and not hear her clear her throat after every other word?

Would you believe that up until a few weeks ago when you brought this to my notice, I had no clue that I clear my throat incessantly?  It's like a nervous tick or something.
If I could just talk to her on the phone and not read the same exact conversation later in an email that she addressed to me?

Wait, you got this one all wrong.  I'm usually on the phone with you, telling you about something, and emailing you at the same time, while you're reading your email.  And listening to me.  Shit, I think I caught your run-on sentence syndrome.
If I was able to get just one word in edgewise while she is watching an episode of Ghost Hunters?

This one almost wasn't worthy of a response!  Ghost Hunters night is sacred and must not be screwed with.  And you would think that after two years of my watching the show every Wednesday night between 9-10:00 that you'd get a clue to not call me!!!  I just might have to contact Jason and Grant and have them sic some ghosties on your ass.
If I could only get her to wear depends so she doesn't have to change her pants after every laugh attack?

If you would stop making me laugh, I wouldn't keep peeing myself, would I?  And Depends?  Forget it.  Those suckers are expensive.  Just give me an Always with wings and it'll be all good.
If she was able to sit down at a restaurant and actually say she likes what she's eating?

Okay, this one is just total bullshit.  Because you are the one constantly calling over our server to complain about this or that.  My food's too hot, my food's too cold, I didn't get enough ranch dressing... blah blah blah.  I may complain about my food to you, but at least I leave the damn server alone!  Although I have to admit, I've probably saved hundreds of dollars on meals with you over the years, since one of your favorite sentences is:  "I'd like to see the manager, please!"
If she could actually put her decorating sense into good use in her own house?

Hey now, did you forget we're in a rental?  Why the hell would I spend money on decor for a house I don't own?  And, oh yeah, we don't have any money since we've been paying two mortgages for two years.  Hey, maybe you could complain about something to my landlord and he'll comp the rent!
If she could buy enough panties that she doesn't have to show up for a school show with out wearing any?

In my defense, that has only happened once!  And it's not because I don't own enough panties.  I have at least 25 pairs in my drawer.  It's because I wait weeks in between doing laundry.  I've got laundraphobia.
If I would have had a normal sister???????????????

Imagine how boring your life would be!  Think back on all of those farting moments we've had, sis.  Don't those memories just make you feel all warm and fuzzy?  Like the time I ripped one so big we thought I tore a hole in the car seat's upholstery?  Ah, good times.

So can you believe it?  A whole post about how I've negatively affected my little sister's life, and how my farting (which to be honest, I really don't fart all that much) has afflicted her.  And looky here!  She's even given me an award!!!

You'd think my own sister could give me an award and just leave it at that, but noooo, she has to attach RULES to it.

1. You must put up a post that includes a link to my post about this award.

Check.  Done.
2. You must name the 5 most embarrassing fart moments you have ever had.

Honestly, there's only one I can think of, and that happened just a couple weeks ago.  I'd had a huge plate of lentil soup for dinner, and then decided to waste some time roaming around CVS.  Well, all of a sudden I felt a rapidly moving gas bubble, and wouldn't you know that little sucker just squeaked right out.  Luckily it was silent, but unfortunately, it was seriously deadly.  I just kept walking, and thought I'd left it behind, but no... it followed me right up the scented candle shelf (how apropos is that?) where another woman stood sniffing the merchandise.  Unfortunately, I think she sniffed a lot more than vanilla bean.  Oopsie!
3. You must give 3 people an award for something unique you know about them.

I would like to give this award to C, at Tattooed Minivan Mom, mostly because she is the one who asked you if you had any dirt on me, hence IF.  As for something unique about C, well, she can say fuck about 10 times in each of her posts, and it doesn't seem to offend anyone, so that's something.  

Another blogger who certainly deserves my pretty award is Buffie, at My Left Foot.  My good friend Buffie can do some seriously weird shit with her face.  If you don't believe me, go here and see for yourself.  I think she's already got this award, but she can just pretend she doesn't.

Hmmm... who else do I know that's unique and would love to display this pretty award on their bloggy?  Well, it's gotta be... hmmmm... my sister Jill!  Why is she unique?  Well, there are lots of reasons, one that comes to mind, her inability to squat and take a pee without blowing her nose.  I shit you not.  Every time she pees, she blows her honker.  It's some strange Jill anomaly.
4. Name five foods that cause you the most gas.

Lentils, lentils, lentils, lentils, and LENTILS!  Hee hee hee... say that five times to yourself.  It sounds really funny!

So, this is what happens when you've gone a whole week without blogging. You can sit here and type for over an hour about flatulence.  Man am I talented, or what?