Saturday, June 6, 2009

Don’t Forget to Flush…

Or maybe you should just skip that.

I hate my powder room toilet.  You can’t lean back on it (and I’m a leaner) because if you do, the tank leaks.  You can’t flush more than two little pieces of toilet paper without it getting stopped up.  When you flush it runs incessantly until you lift the lid and poke at the floater thingamabob.

Jill was going to fix it for me recently, but you know what ultimately happens when she comes to visit.  We shop, we eat out and we nap.  So, she had no time to tend to my toilet issues, of which there are many apparently.

So instead, I began nagging Jimmy to fix it.  Nope, he was having none of it.  He rarely uses the powder room so for him it’s a non-issue.  Asshole.  I was told to just keep lifting the tank lid and doing my thing with the thingy.  Well gross.  I don’t like sticking my hand in there even on rare occasions.  If you think I want to do it every time I pee (which is often) you’ve got another think coming.

So I resorted to something you may find disgusting.  Not flushing every time I pee.  Now yeah, this could be gross, but with the amount of water I drink the pee is almost, well, non-pee.

So I did this yesterday.  After tinkle number 3 I flushed and ran out of the house to get Madison from the bus stop.  When I pulled back onto my street I see Mikayla in the driveway, waving frantically at me.  What the hell?  Is Publisher’s Clearinghouse here?  Did I win something fabulous and she couldn’t wait till I got in the house to tell me?

No.  Oh NO.  The toilet was overflowing and she couldn’t make it stop.  She closed the bathroom door and tried blocking it with towels.  All that did was make a virtual tidal wave when I opened the door.  Little did I know that my 12 year old daughter needed lessons on how to shut off the main water valve.  Stupid me.  This is obviously a skill every ‘tween needs these days.

So, I opened the door to something like this.




Okay, slight exaggeration, but not by much.




So Mikayla starts running for towels, I run to the garage for the shop vac…. oh crap… where’s the shop vac?  So now I’m frantically getting the steam cleaner ready while frantically dialing Jimmy at work.  No answer!  Typical.



Might I just tell you that one of these is not meant to pick up 349,000 gallons of water?  After emptying it 10 times I was finally able to get Jimmy on the phone.



Ah, relief will be on the way!

NOT!  He refused to leave work to come home and help me with this catastrophe.  I mean, whole-heartedly, I-don’t-give-a-crap-you-can-deal-with-it-yourself, refused.  I clogged it, I didn’t watch my pee flush before I left the house, it’s my fault and now I have to deal with it.  Never mind that I’d been nagging him over and over again about the faulty toilet for over a month.  Nope, it’s my fault.  Of course!  Excuuuuuuuuse me (insert Steve Martin impression) for peeing!

Abundant profanities came forth from my mouth, tears squirted from my eyes and, instead of seeing little bluebirds circling overhead, I had sharp knives twirling a merry dance.  Sharp Bloody Knives.  Yes, visions of husbandacide were first and foremost in my mind.

CON2003When I finally snapped out of it, I followed asshole’s Jimmy’s instructions on where to find the shop vac and proceeded to lug it in the house and plug it in.  It didn’t take long to fill that bad boy up and still, I wasn’t making a dent in it and my arms were shaking from pulling it along the sopping wet rug.  Thank goodness Mikayla was there to help.  We kept swapping jobs between the shop vac and the steam cleaner but still we couldn’t get the rug anywhere near dry.

Now I was stuck with visions of water creeping up the drywall and mold setting in to eventually kill us slowly.  I was also still stuck with visions of husbandacide but that’s neither here nor there.

Mikayla and I were exhausted and commenced calling Jimmy’s cell phone over and over again.  After all, it was after 4 p.m., so why couldn’t he just leave work and come home?  Damn Caller I.D.  Asshole Jimmy knew it was us calling so didn’t answer his phone.

I was now at the point where I was ready to turn that bloody knife on myself because I had hit the breaking point.  This was too much for one woman and a 12 year old kid to handle, so I did what any slightly insane woman would do.  I went and worked on my FaceBook farm.  Yeah, you heard me right.  I couldn’t do anymore.  I was done.  Wiped out.  Both physically and emotionally.pulling-out-hair

I needed stress relief, and I found that in plowing and planting, plus calling Jill to scream in her ear about my sucky lot in life.

It was only at 8 p.m. that Jimmy finally walked in the door, wanting to know why I wasn’t face-down on the carpet sucking the water up through a straw (or something like that) while simultaneously pulling off a Roto Rooter on the faulty toilet.  I’ll spare you the nasty details of the rest of our “conversation”.  These things are sometimes better left unsaid, and left to the imagination of the reader.

I will tell you that I went to bed last night listening to the sound of Jimmy running multiple vacuums and fans and, I didn’t feel the least amount of guilt about it either.

Today the carpet is pulled up from one side of the room, folded over chairs with fans blowing on it.  Luckily, it’s basically dry and this is just a precaution.  The wet padding has been cut out, rolled up and disposed of, and later today I have to trek to Lowe’s to buy some new stuff.  Oh, the joy!

carpet4 So keep this story in mind the next time you pee and flush, and stupidly think it’s safe to walk away.  Never walk away.  Just don’

*Side note:  Mikayla just clogged the damn toilet!!!!!*

*Side note #2 (pun intended): I’m moving far far away.  Possibly some third world country where it’s not taboo to poop in the woods.


Go visit Jill, yada yada yada.  Love me, love her, yada yada yada.


45 "Sister" Lovin' Friends Said:

  • Anonymous

    I SO feel your pain sister. This same scenario happened to us. I flushed the toilet and Josh and I went for a long run with the dogs. Come home a good 45 minutes later to 2 inches of water from an overflowing toilet. We freaked! We didn't have a shop vac so I ran and borrowed our neighbors because the water was going everywhere. It was leaking through the floors into the basement. So our basement, our back hallway, our laundry room and our powder room were completely covered with water. It was such a mess. The good news is our home owner's insurance came and covered the costs.

  • Cole

    Oh, you poor thing! In this case -
    husbandicide is justified. You'd have TONS of character witnesses who'd back you after reading this story!

  • The Sign Lady

    Freekin' hilarious. Of course, I can say that because my toilet is functioning properly... I think. Crap, now I have to go check.

    May I suggest that you throw - make plans to throw - a big blowout neighborhood party. Then when you are lugging the keg of beer to the bathtub full of ice, "accidently" drop it on the toilet. This will, of course break the toilet bowl and you will be forced to cancel the party, which you never really intended to have, and replace the porcelain throne with one that flushes without having to jiggle the little thingy.

    (Personally I have not resorted to this tactic, it's a memory from my single days of roommates and all that silliness.)

  • Swirl Girl

    holy shit!?!

    pun intended, too.

    we must have sympathy plumbing pains. our shower has been leaking forever and decided to visit the downstairs today.

  • Amy

    HHmm... I'm thinking you need to trade in both the toilet AND Jimmy for 2 new models.. sounds like they are defective.

  • Jason, as himself

    Nightmare. I detest overflowing toilets. But look on the bright least there wasn't poop in the toilet when it overflowed!!!

    On another plumbing note, we are, as I type, having our water heater replaced because it was leaking all over the place this morning. Care to guess how much it is costing? Okay, then I'll just tell you. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Oh you poor my Mom always use to say, it coulda been worse. You could have had #2 to deal with too.

    {{{hugs}}} And WTF Jimmy. :(


  • Diane @ Four Paws and Co

    Oh you poor baby.... you've got the crapper blues...
    Question - Why didn't you call the owner??? You haven't been there very long & he should know that the toilet needed new guts & he should have replaced them. ☺♥☺ Diane

  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    You rent, right? Can you call the landlord to come fix the toilet? His homeowner's insurance might cover some of that too.

    As for Jimmy...hell, it would have probably taken him five minutes to fix the ballcock (the flusher thingy). Shame on him!

    You shouldn't have to worry about sticking around to see if everything flushes right. But oh Lordy, I would have been panicking at the sight of all that water pouring out of the bathroom!


  • Life on Bonnie Lane

    And kick Jimmy's ass for me!


  • Fragrant Liar

    OMG! That's awful. So there's no more "pee and run" going on at your place, huh? I hate it when the toilet backs up. I will be in a world of hurt now, because I don't really have a man-o-my-own and I'd have to TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF. May I say, piss and shit.

  • Fragrant Liar

    OMG! That's awful. So there's no more "pee and run" going on at your place, huh? I hate it when the toilet backs up. I will be in a world of hurt now, because I don't really have a man-o-my-own and I'd have to TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF. May I say, piss and shit.

  • Tootsie

    move here!!! you won't have to worry about being hot...and...I know how to fix that toilet!...but of course you would leave it behind....on the other hand...I have REAL plant for you to dig around and weed between!!! that farming thing is making me worry about you a bit! lol ....just kidding!

  • Tami

    uhh... ummm.. I live near a canyon.. and we have a river.. ya'no what they say.. the concretes cheep and the rivers deep! I'll help. I'm on a MAN hating weekend at the moment. I'm still waiting since Dec 28th for hubby to PUT away the dang tree holder for the Christmas tree! JERK! By the way, I don't flush but every 3rd or 4th time..CUZ IT PISSES HUNNY HUBBY OFFFF.. bwhahahahaha bwahahahahah.

    If I lived near ya I'd be there to help you! LOL.

  • sue

    so sorry J! I have a son who clogs our toilet all the time, we are always prepared with plunger sitting beside toilet! He knows, DO NOT leave bathroom til toilet is flushed! You really do need to call the landlord to replace the damn thing(toilet,not Jimmy),and also replace carpet with tile incase of future mishaps! Of course I understand the asshole problems, Kim has one of those and things are heating up quickly here!! I keep saying the 40's hopefully will be much better than the 30's, hope they will be for you too! xoxo

  • Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    Holy crap! Or would that be Holy Pee? ;) You poor thing! I'd totally be thinking husbandicide too - in this case it is totally justified. I can never get hold of my hubby at work or on his cell either - men! Can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the side of the road...or can you? (evil grin!)

  • Rachelle

    You poor thing! What an awful mess! And I would have done the exact same thing to my husband - left him to clean up the mess by himself! You go girl! Thank goodness you found some relief at Farm Town!

  • Four in Costa Rica

    Oh Justine, what a nightmare! Let me tell you if you are considering CR as your third-world country, you will need to go in the woods if you want to avoid all toilet troubles. (Remember the screaming toilet??)

    Hey, aren't you renting? The landlord should fix the toilet for you, right?

    Good luck!

  • Philly

    LOL Jason !! Thank god there was no poop!!

  • LiLu

    Not flushing after a pee isn't so gross... it's green!

    "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."

  • JaiDee

    You need to get a hand held bathroom bidet sprayer and then you won't have the clogging problems from too much toilet paper. With these you almost don't need toilet paper anymore and it's much more sanitary. Makes cleaning the toilet itself a breeze also. For those of us who really like to be clean it is the best invention since the toilet. It is so much better than a stand alone bidet and this is why: 1. It's less expensive (potentially allot less) 2. You can install in yourself = no plumber expense 3. It works better by providing more control of where the water spray goes and a greater volume of water flow. 4. It requires no electricity and there are few things that can go wrong with it. 5. It doesn't take up any more space, many bathrooms don't have room for a stand alone bidet. 6. You don’t have to get up and move from the toilet to the bidet which can be rather awkward at times to say the least. Available at

  • Mrs. B. Silly

    I like Amy's suggestion. Trade 'em in!

  • Rhea

    Wow, who knew pee could overflow a toilet?! That makes no sense.

    Sucky situation. I feel for you!

  • xinex

    OMG, I can't imagine how much work you did. Sorry about that, Justine! Bless little Mikayla's heart for helping you. You know I cried the first time I had to clean a bathroom (that's when I first came to US and I don't mind it anymore now) but I still wouldn't want to deal with an overflowing toilet. Yikes and yuck!...Christine

  • SchmeckyGirl

    OMG! This story was even better the second time!

    I still can't believe he didn't come home! But thank god you didn't poop. Seriously. Yikes.

    Aw Mikayla is a good helper. She deserves a prize.

    LOVE the Justine Froggy at the bottom of your post.

  • Joanna Jenkins

    Jeez, that toilet sounds like your new career! I feel your pain. But I gave in and bought a new toilet recently! Actually I asked for it for my birthday! And I'm so glad I did. Now we're an easy, one flush house :-) Hang in there.

  • Joanna Jenkins

    :-(((( I feel your pain!

    I finally gave in and bought a new toilet. Actually I asked for one for my birthday-- I as that desperate.

    Hang in there.

  • Paris

    It's time to buy a new toilet'!!! =D Crack ME up, girl! =)

    Hope you have a super week! *hugs*

  • MJ's doghouse

    oh my god...i have a prescription for you and your sister...i think you need to take off on a cruise ...somewhere that everything is taken care of for you...maybe rob a bank first...i dont know..but you both definately deserve to get away from home for a bit....

  • raxx a day in the life

    Flooding sucks big-time! Poor you and your girlies, I would imagine everything is all nice and dry now.

  • Tootsie

    hey. still farming????
    just wanted to let you know...I got seriously lucky..and it didnt' even rain or snow at all! a little frost might have touched my plants...but oh well.
    I am sick as a dog with a cold today..feel like a walking nose for crying out loud!!! Hope you are doing well...missing you lots

  • RedCurlGirl

    wow...jimmy sounds like quite the douche bag! i hope everything gets fixed!

  • Lindsey!

    Man that sucks! I cut my hand on a toilet once trying to fix the toilet when it wont flush. Sounds like Jimmy and the toilet have a lot in common...both useless and full of sh*!, but at least there is always Farm Town:)

  • Jill

    I have to tell you a secret. After we found out about the flood.. dad and I had some fun with it.
    We were picturing you opening the door and the water pushing you down like the Titanic and we were hysterical. Not just laughing we were pee bound! Sorry sis!

  • nikkicrumpet

    I wish I lived closer...I could teach you how to fix that toilet in a snap. It really is pretty easy to get the new parts at Home Depot and fix it. I would have even helped you mop. Oh wait we would have been to busy laughing and snapping pictures to get anything done. I hope JIMMY gets it all cleaned up..and I hope he catches a fungus from waiting so long to help! I sort of joined Facebook today. although I have no idea of what the hell I'm doing, can't download a photo, and have given up already lol

  • Michele

    What the hell??? Jimmy sounds like my old ex...he totally never answered my phone when I would call repeatedly when it's 4 am in the morning and he's not home, but noooooooo. Whew...sorry, got side tracked. I, too, am sorry you're dealin with that crap...hmmmm, maybe I need to go plant a farm on Facebook......what's your whatever it's called and I'll add you!


  • Cathy

    I feel your pain.. Ours does the same thing...and we have carpet too.

    Remember the blog I talked about a few months back how.. she is broke but doesn't work and whines about being broke.. Well she is back cause her business adventure didn't go to well. I can't put my finger on it but something is up with her... I think she is a trust fund baby and milking people for their money..

  • Lisa (aka) French

    I feel your pain we have one of those toilets although hubby has fixed it numerous times my son insists on putting a roll of paper in every time he takes a crap...well you know the rest (lol) I think ours is finally fixed!!! Hugs French;)

  • Shelia

    Oh, poor Justiney! This must have been awful! Now, I tell you, I would have really punched Jimmy in the stomach! That booger! I hope that dang toilet is fixed by now!
    I have a toilet that I have to hold the handle down until all the water goes away. It's an old one and it holds lots of water! Toilets!
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

  • Ginger

    I had that happen years ago at our old house. I flushed and left the house for 2 hours. The little hose thing came out of it's holder and squirted up out of the tank the whole time I was gone. Flooded the house. Homeowners ins. took care of it but what a mess in the meantime. and it stunk too. They sprayed something on the bare floor after pulling up the carpet to kill the bacteria.
    I say call the owner and get a new toilet. They don't cost that much.

  • NurseChessie

    oh my good god in heaven does that just totally suck ass. I'm sure I would have done the same with one exception... Michael would have left work or I WOULD have commited husbandacide when he got home!

    Thanks for ending my shitty day at work (pun intended!!) with a laugh.

    love ya

  • NurseChessie

    did somebody just use the words ball and cock in a serious manner? LOL

    love ya

  • Sara's Sweet Surprise

    Oh can I empathize! Now picture a similar scenario on the morning of your son's the hour you're to be at the wedding venue for pictures! Fortunatly we got the groom there in time. Needless to say we didn't get pictures taken with our DIL, but we did manage a couple photos with my son.
    After the reception my husband promptly left to greet Roto Rooter at our house.
    Which seemed like a great plan until...I realized I didn't have a ride home and everyone had left.

    sweet wishes,

    P.S. Thanks sooooooooooooo MUCH for your email and the support.

  • Elizabeth

    IF the toilet ain't workin' the house is falling apart! Most important room for comfort and ease of use.

  • Anonymous

    omg... I'd divorce your "husband" he sounds like a real jerk!