Spending time with my family is always interesting.
I’m not saying they never bore me, but it’s a rare occurrence. Even when they’re being boring I can usually look at one or more family members and find stuff about them to make fun of. So yeah, that keeps me entertained.
Earlier this week, Mom invited herself and Dad over for Sunday dinner. Then Jill invited herself, but in an oh-so-innocent way.
Aw, Mom and Dad are coming over? Wow, I really could use a day out with family. (As if the witch doesn’t spend at least 3 days a week with our parents as it is)
So, you and the girls come too!
Yeah, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to invite me. You shouldn’t feel obligated.
You know I always want you around me, so come!
Are you sure? ‘Cause I don’t have to come. What are you making for dinner? Can we go to the pool?
Shut up Jill. I’ll see you on Sunday at 1:00.
So, I haven’t had my parents over in a while and wanted to cook something fairly nice for them. Jimmy had recently bought some roasts from Costco and I wanted to do something different with them. Beef Wellington! That’ll be impressive, right?
It would have been if my damn meat thermometer was working properly. Not so impressive when the meat is well done when it’s supposed to be medium rare. I was so disappointed. Thank goodness for the horseradish sauce I made, ‘cause that stuff was yummy and actually gave the meat a boost.
So they got here, I fed them lunch (some kick-ass tuna salad if I do say so myself), then we spent a while up at the pool, where the kids had a great time swimming and the rest of us fatties just floated around on noodles.
After that, dinner prep was in full swing and Jimmy decided the rest of them should play washers, a game he’d just bought yesterday.
Jill was really bad at it. I think she almost knocked Gianna out a couple of times.
She sets up her throw.
I tried a couple of times, but I guess my arm is just too mighty for the washers. I threw the damn thing all the way into the woods. I may have decapitated a squirrel. It’s anyone’s guess.
Now poor Dad was out there too, but the skeeters are bad here this year. And when I say bad, I mean swarming bad. So we spray him down with bug juice, but he’s out on the lawn dancing around like he’s got a bug up his butt, which in hindsight (pun intended) he probably did. All he kept saying was, “Justine, my legs feel like raw hamburger meat.” Okay, I don’t know how itchiness equates to raw beef, but whatever. If you know my father, you just accept these things. At one point he said, “This will be the first ever game called because of mosquitoes.”
Dad is weird, in a funny, badabing kinda way.
Later in the day when he noticed how big Mikayla’s earrings were he started with, “Hey Mikayla, did I ever tell you the story about the woman I knew who wore heavy earrings? Yeah, her ears got so long she had to roll them up and wear them under a turban.” Of course there’s more to this story, and I’ve been hearing it since I’m a kid, and still to this day my dad swears it’s true.
What I’d love to do is get my dad on video relating some of his stories from throughout the years. Like the time he was cutting branches off a tree when he was a kid and accidentally sawed off the branch he was sitting on. According to him, he fell out of the tree, stood up and then his grandfather beat the crap out of him for being stupid.
Or the time he was nearly mauled by a lion at the Bronx Zoo.
Or about the time he and my uncle were taking a stroll while on vacation in PA and a mean dog chased them down the trail, forcing them to jump hedges.
Yeah, I need to get these stories on tape for sure.
Anyway, back to our day. I thought dinner basically sucked and let me tell you, the conversation was no better. At once point I said, “Wow, this is some scintillating conversation we’ve got going on here. Mom looks at me with a blank gaze and says, “What’s scintillating?” Oh brother.
After dinner I cleaned the kitchen, with no help from Jill I might add. She’ll probably try to tell you otherwise, but if you take a look at her updates on Facebook for Sunday you’d see an entry of “Jill is avoiding helping Justine in the kitchen.” That’s right. I’m scouring pots and pans and she’s taken over my computer.
Mom cut up a whole watermelon and the lot of them descended on it like a buzzard to road kill. It’s actually scary to see how much watermelon little Gianna can pack away. Forget scary. It’s disgusting.
Coffee was then served with the pumpkin pie I’d made the night before. I know, I know, pumpkin pie in June? Well hell, I had all the ingredients and I was in the mood.
You’d think after consuming 893 pounds of melon that they’d be too stuffed for pie, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Wedges were drowned in squirts of whipped cream while moans of, “I’m too full to eat this” were heard as they stuffed their faces with it.
Jill, being the bitch she is, said to me at one point, “Ya know, I’d just love to take this pie and smash it right in your face. Yeah, I really would.”
Well see, this got the wheels turning in my twisted head. And I waited. A good five minutes until she’d forgotten what she;d said. Then, while she wasn’t looking, I sliced a piece, grabbed it in my fist and smooshed it alllllllll over her face.
But the joke was on me. Because this time Jill waited.
And then, while I was walking out to the screen room, she followed me. Then she started coming at me faster and faster and I couldn’t imagine what she was doing. Her evil snickers gave it away though and I waddle/ran until she had me cornered at the window.
I crouched there, trying to cover my face while Mom sat on a chair howling like a monkey in heat.
She got me. And she got me good. (What the hell is that pink stuff on my face?)
Totally. Not just a dribble, but total wet-down, need-to-take-a-shower-and-borrow-some panties, please.
Now you’ll have to forgive the quality of this video. Mikayla needs some lessons on keeping the camera still. It looks like there’s an earthquake in my house. Turn up your volume. You may hear Jill requesting the panties as I’m washing pumpkin out of my hair at the kitchen sink. And, because I had no clue Mikayla was taking video, you may also hear me let out a ginormous burp. Or two.
Yeah, as you can see, Jill got Mom in the face too. And yuck, but Jill and I had no makeup on. It’s so fun to have your picture taken all day long while looking completely gross. And that’s before you were smeared with pumpkin.
And the fire? Uh huh, great idea when it’s 95 degrees out, don’t you think? We were roasting even though we were sitting 8 feet away from it.
Anyway, I went inside to grab the camera out of Mikayla’s dastardly hands, not realizing it was still running on record. I came outside to talk to Mom, put the camera down on the table, and sat myself down. Funny that the camera was facing my reflection in the window.
My conversation with Mom.
Listen to what my mother said to me at the very end of the tape.
That's what prompted this next picture. Mom told me to snap a pic of myself so I could see just how ridiculous I looked.
So I did.
Uh huh. What a proud moment.
Thank goodness the family left soon after. I love being around them, but I swear they suck the life’s blood right out of me. In a good way, but still.
Go visit Jill, yada yada yada. Love me, love her, yada yada yada.