She Ate It

I'm here, yet I'm not here and it's driving me bonkers.  I don't know why I suddenly stopped wanting to read blogs or write my own, but it has surely happened.  I tell you what, it had better be temporary because this blog of mine has been such a creative and emotional outlet for so long that it's become a part of me.

I guess I'm just a flake, eh?

Anyhoodle, it's been a long time since you all have gotten a Strudel the Destructo Dog update.  If you remember back quite a few months ago I told you I had a box in the closet where I was throwing all of the things Strudel was eating so I could prove to you that yes, she eats everything.

But like so many other things, after a week or so I kind of forgot the box was there, so what I do have now is nothing compared to the real thing.

I give to you, the contents of The Strudel Box, Dum Dum Dum!!

A mish-mosh of many different mangled household and even doggie items.

Remotes...

A $400 cell phone...

This used to be Madison's friend, Jordan's, flip-flop.

Note to self:  Buy Jordan new flip-flops.

All that is left of my Crocs... just a chewed-up strap.  Oh and a pencil.  Strudel loves pencils!

She also loves paper of any kind.  Paper plates, magazines, textbooks, etc.

Most dogs love to play with tennis balls.  Strudel prefers to eat them.

A dog toy isn't really worth her time unless she can rip it apart.

So yeah, anyone want a golden retriever?

I wish I had a picture of what she did to me last night.  She was upset that I took a paper towel roll away from her... I mean come on, she was having a great time shredding it, right?  So, as soon as I turned my back she bit my ass!!!  

Ten minutes later I went to feel the spot because it was stinging.  Blood.  I was bleeding all over my nightgown from an ass bite!

I then had to stick my tail between my legs and ask Jimmy to apply a bandage.

To my ass.

I'm wondering when, nay, if, Strudel is going to grow out of this biting thing.  I mean I know I'm quite hairy, but not so much that she'd mistake my hair for dog fur.  Why must she "play" with all of us as if we're part of her pack?

Stru, get the message... I am the alpha bitch in this house.  Get it?

Don't fool yourself into thinking this redeems your less than stellar behavior.

Sunday Scramble: 3-7-10

Welcome kids, to another edition of the Sunday Scramble!

I honestly don't have too much to write about this week.  Yeah, I do believe I just heard a whole bunch of you sigh in relief.  Okay, so I tend to be a little wordy at times.  Okay, most times.  Bite me, okay?

So, the other night at dinner, Strudel was sitting at my side like a good girl (why is she good at the times that most normal dogs are not?) and I said to Jimmy, "Your daughter needs to be fed."

Jimmy:  They're at the table eating right now!

Me:  No, your other daughter.  The furry one.

Jimmy:  She's not my daughter, she's my dog.

Me:  No, just a few weeks ago we were talking about her and you told me how you love her so much that she's like one of your kids.

Jimmy:   Well yeah, but not my daughter!

Madison:  Fine daddy, then she'll be your dogger!

What can I say?  The kid is quick.

Mikayla has a new favorite word.  Biffle.  Yes, you read that correctly, although really, it's just BFFL, an acronym for Best Friends For Life.  But I swear to you, it gives me the giggles every time she says, "Strudel, are you my biffle?"  "Mommy, you wanna be my biffle?"  I mean, say it a few times.  It's a funny word!

Jimmy traveled to San Francisco again this week.  The guys had some free time so took a drive over the Golden Gate bridge.

 

Bastard, right?

Yeah well, they got rear-ended at the end of the bridge, so it's all good now.

They even stopped at Muir Woods.  Remember this picture from my last post?

You guessed it.  That's Muir Woods.

Bastard, right?

So last night while driving through the neighborhood on my way back from the Hess station, I noticed an armadillo walking on the side of the road.  You know me.  I had to stop the car, roll down the window and stare at him.  But then the dumbass started walking toward my car.  I'm thinking, oh great, he's going to walk right under my car and then I'll be stuck here, in the middle of the road, until he decides to get his armored ass out the other side.  I do believe these critters are blind as bats.

But obviously not deaf, because as soon as I stuck my head out of the window and said, "Well hello, little 'dillo!" He took off for the golf course.

And that's the end of my 'dillo story.

Tuesday night I picked up some Chinese food for me and the girls.  I like my food pretty spicy, so the chick at the restaurant usually throws in one of those tiny containers of what they call hot and oily.  Just warm oil with red pepper flakes soaked in.

Well, I ate my dinner, never using the oil.  While I was straightening up the kitchen I heard something being chomped on.

Yeah, you guessed right.

Strudel ate it.

She not only lapped up all the oil but she ate every flake of hot red pepper too!  Stupid, idiotic, deranged dog.  Would you believe it didn't even give her the squirts?  If I'd eaten that much of the stuff (I just drizzle some on) I'd be pooping fire for days.

I now have definitive proof, that while men can sometimes be amusing, at the very core of it, they're, well, idiots.

Yay!  My Aunt Barbara and Uncle David are coming down here next month from Utah!  I'm soooo happy about it because I haven't seen them since 2004!  Some of you know of uncle David from Facebook.  He's the one always picking on me, calling me fat and unhealthy (in his own roundabout way) and telling me to get rid of that dog!  I honestly don't know why I love the man, much less even like him, but dammit, I do.  He kinda grows on you.  Sure, it's a growth similar to fungus, but still.  He's Mi Familia. (like that?  Too much Mafia Wars, I'm telling you.  You'd better just hope, for his sake, that next month I don't tell you that I iced him) 

Oh crap, he reads my blog.  He's going to be mad at me now.  Rut roh.  I'm in for it.  He'll probably write up a dissertation on nitrites and the evil of red meat and make me memorize it.  And, not only is he a reformed smoker but, he's also a reformed fatty.  Being that I'm non-reformed on both counts, can you imagine the constant lecturing I'm going to have to suffer through?

Okay my peeps, I obviously wasn't at much of a loss for words.  So I lied!  Bite me, k?

And when you're done taking a humongous bite of my hiney, leave a comment, then link up your scrambled post!  I love reading them!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Sunday Scramble 2-21-10

 

Welcome to another installment of the Sunday Scramble!  I won't be around this weekend but link up in any case!

• I haven't seen my cousin, Chessie (Francesca) in oh, four years or so and boy do I miss her and her hubs, Michael!  But yay, they're down in FL from OH this week and by this weekend they'll be in my brother's neck of the woods.  Me, Jimmy and the girls will probably spend the weekend over there in a hotel so we can squeeze out as much Chessie time as possible.

• My nephew, Jonny, is a thespian and Saturday night his drama club will be putting on a special event for family.  The "kids" (he's about to graduate from HS!) will be serving all of us dinner and then putting on short skits of their past plays.  I am the ONLY one in the family who has never seen any of his plays so I cannot wait to see even these abbreviated versions.

• Sunday is Gianna's 4th birthday!  Jill is having the whole family at her house for dinner and cake and I just can't wait!  I haven't seen sis since Christmas Eve!!!  This will be Jill's very first time hosting a family dinner at her house.  Her old house just wasn't conducive to entertaining and The Asshole always made the thought of it an unpleasant experience anyway.

• Jimmy has totally got me hooked on Dan Brown's books.  I'm currently reading The Da Vinci code and I love love loves it!  If you've never read these books, I highly suggest it.  Just the amount of research that goes into his work is absolutely amazing.  And because so much of it is factual, it will truly make you think about and ponder things you've always believed to be one way and consider them being a different way.  Can't explain it... you'll just have to see for yourself.

• Because of The Da Vinci Code I really really would love to pick up a book of Leonardo Da Vinci's work.  This man was odd to be sure, but also brilliant. He was commissioned to paint many Christian scenes, but he was a pagan and painted his own beliefs right into these commissions!  Take The Last Supper.  Notice that one of the 12 men is in fact a woman, the one sitting just to Jesus's right, your left.  

• Research shows, and many believe that is Mary Magdalene, who was Jesus's wife.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The other belief is that The Holy Grail is actually Mary Magdalene, or more specifically her womb.  The words Holy Grail in ancient times (then spelled Sang Real) meant "royal blood".  The premise here being that she carried Jesus's child and gave birth to her after he was crucified.  This would mean that there are descendants of Christ!  Controversial, no?

• Who's been watching the Olympics?  I haven't!  I know, I know, I'm so not showing American pride.  But Mmmm... Apollo Ohno.  Oh boy is this guy HOT!

• Grape Nuts cereal.  Ewww... totally disgusting, don't you agree?   And what was Post thinking when they named this cereal?  There are no grapes in the recipe, nor are there any nuts.  Just wheat and barley.  I can bring up the taste of this cereal any time I like, and I don't like.  It was kind of sour.  How the hell can a dry cereal be sour?  And what made Post think it was a good idea to create a cereal that was the texture of, say, rocks??? 

Mmmm... wheat meal.  Sounds delish.  So delish I think we should heat it up until it's steaming like a big pile of poo.

 

• Don't you feel so cleansed when your refrigerator is totally clean?  I attacked mine last night with a bottle of 409, paper towels and some hot, soapy water.  It looks great, no?

 

There's just one teensy problem.  I can now plainly see that I have no food!!!

Although, if you need butter or a pickle, I apparently have you covered.

• *Edited Friday night*  This just in!  The Asshole is back in jail again!  Woot woot!  And this time it looks like it might be an actual prison sentence instead of just jail time.  Thank you Asshole, for breaking the injunction and your probation simultaneously!

• A slightly enhanced conversation between Jimmy and and American Express:

Jimmy:  Hi there.  I'm in need of a new card immediately.

Amex:  No problem Mr. Jimmy.  Has your card been lost or stolen?

Jimmy:  Erm.  No.

Amex:  Has your card expired and we failed to send a new one?

Jimmy:  Erm. No.

Amex:  Well, Mr. Jimmy we'd be happy to replace your card.  Just out of curiosity, what is the reason for your request?

Jimmy:  Ermmmmm.

Amex:  Sir?

Jimmy:  My dog ate it.

I'm so glad you stopped by again this week!  Your continued visits and comments are so precious to me!

Now what are you waiting for?  Link up and scramble with me!







Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!