Saturday, they came over to see our new house and spend the day. I had a field trip in mind, but Jimmy and Madison were tuckered out from an earlier power shopping they had done, so Mom and Dad took me to the American Signature Furniture store to look at that dinette set I'd fallen in love with. Remember it?
So the plan was that Dad would drive my nifty Mazda CX-9 SUV. Should I even tell you how long it took him to first start the car, and then back down the driveway? Yes, I have to.
First question: "Where is the key?"
"I have the key fob right here Dad. Just start the car."
"But where's the key? How do I start the car?"
"Dad, it's keyless. Just turn the thingy there."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Dad, I'm sure. Start the damn car!"
So he finally starts it and now puts it in reverse.
"Ooh! There's a camera to show me what's behind me! This is neat!"
"Yep, it's a great feature. Let's go, and be careful not to hit your van."
Brake, release. Brake, release. Brake, release. All the way down the driveway. Mikayla and I just looked at each other and laughed.
"Dad, what the hell are you doing? Just back down the driveway!"
"I've never driven this car before. It feels different."
"Okay dad, but it still reverses like any other car. Let's go!"
Yippeee! We've made it down the driveway! So Dad puts the car in drive and starts going. Mikayla pipes up from the back, "Grandpa! You've got it in manual. You're in the wrong gear!"
"What do you mean, manual, this is an automatic!"
"Grandpa, it's both. You need to get it out of manual and put it in regular drive."
"How?"
(Mikayla huffing) "I'll do it!" So she leans over and puts it in drive. "Can we go now?"
Everything was quite normal until we stopped at a light in front of a Walgreens. They had a sign out front for a mobile vet that will be coming to the area soon. The name of the mobile vet is Pet Care-A-Van. As we were sitting at the light, I noticed Mom staring at the sign and knew something interesting would be forthcoming. She then said, "What a stupid name for a vet. What the hell does that mean?" "Mom, you dork, it's a play on words. 'Care-A-Van' = Caravan. Get it? Mobile vet? Caravan?
"Well, it still sounds stupid to me." To which Dad chimes in, "And look, they're selling rabbits for $10!" Oh boy. "Dad, they're selling rabies shots for $10!"
Light turns green and Dad announces, "Ya know, I really shouldn't be driving. I can only see out of one eye. I mean, it's okay during the day, but at night it's not so great."
Well isn't that wonderful being that he's driving my car?
The rest of the drive was fairly unremarkable as far as I can remember; even our visit to the furniture store was pretty normal. Well, aside from Dad and Mikayla attacking the plate of warm cookies they had just placed out. You'd think they hadn't been fed in days. It was actually embarrassing, the two of them sitting at a kitchen table display, sucking down complimentary bottled water and snarfing cookies. I had to remind them that the cookies were for all the customers, not just them.
So I bought the dinette set that I loved and even found a picture I fell in love with for only $10 on clearance.
A quick trip to Hobby Lobby scored Mom a really cute metal frog for the garden she doesn't have, and two pig book-ends, both on clearance. As we are walking out of the store, we passed by a motorcycle cop standing at his bike, playing with his laptop. Mom announces (loudly), "Hey, the girl didn't charge me for one of the pigs 'cause the doors don't shut properly!"
Dad, grumbling under his breath, "Gin, you're an idiot. There's a cop right there and you're practically announcing that you stole a pig!"
Is it possible to divorce your parents?
Then an argument ensued because Mom wanted to go to Wal-Mart.
"I need a grey pair of slacks. And some gas medicine."
"Gin, it's nearly 6:30 and Justine hasn't got dinner prepared. We have a 30 minute drive home. We cannot go to Wal-Mart today."
"But I want grey slacks! And I need gas medicine. I'll only be five minutes."
Quick background. My mother has never spent only five minutes in any store, ever. Even if she walked from the car to the front door of the store she'd make it take more than five minutes.
"Gin, we don't even know where a Wal-Mart is near here! We're not going!"
(Mom pouting) "I always do what everyone else wants and never get to do what I want!"
OMG, how old are we? I felt like I should soothe her with a lollipop or something.
So anyway, we somehow deflected the whole Wal-Mart-five-minute-expedition and, on the ride home, Dad was explaining a computer problem he's been having that was driving him crazy. He kept on saying, "And I can't get the imported pictures to download to my circles." Huh? Wha? Finally Mikayla said, "Grandpa, do you mean DVDs?" Dad says, "Well yeah, I call them circles." O...K!
When we got home I got dinner on the table. Donna's Pepperoncini crock pot roast, buttered egg noodles, fresh asparagus and garlic bread. Yum! Dessert was Sweet 'N Low brand sugar-free cupcakes that Mikayla and Madison had made earlier in the day. Ptooey! They were disgusting. Do NOT ever try these cake mixes. The cake was like rubber and the chocolate frosting tasted like battery acid. In the garbage they went!
Now dad sat on the couch with Mikayla, telling her a story from his childhood where he was nearly mauled by a bobcat and was saved by his uncle shooting it. Okay dad, these stories are getting weirder and weirder the older you/I get. Mom was at the kitchen table, sewing on a Brownie patch for Madison. Time was ticking and Dad started grumping about the hour drive home and how they had to get up early the next day. It went something like this:
Dad: "Gin, we really need to go now. Are you done yet?"
Mom: "Almost. Then I just want to have one more cigarette."
Dad: "You're killing yourself with those things! You can't even breathe!"
Mom: "Go to hell, Jeff. We're leaving soon."
Me: "But I thought you were going to sew the ribbon on my towels!"
Dad: "Justine, that would take her at least an hour. Forget about it."
Me: "But my towels!" (Stomping foot)
Mom: I'll take them home with me and sew them there."
Me: "Thank you, Mommy!"
Another 30 minutes or so goes by, when finally Dad says, "Gin, I don't want to have to say this, but I'm going to have to kill you if you don't listen to me and get ready to leave."
(Mom stubs out cigarette and gives Dad the evil eye.)
Dad, leaning on back of patio chair: "Gin, maybe we shouldn't go tomorrow. I have problems in the morning."
Me: "With the poo-poo?"
Dad: "No, with the pee-pee."
Aren't we so mature and classy? Don't you wish you could be part of this clan?
Anyway, that was the end of our visit. If you're wondering if I have an amazing memory to keep track of the ridiculous things my family members say you'd be wrong. When any of them are around, I keep a pen and paper handy at all times. This works especially well when I'm with Jill. Note to self: Buy more paper.
Anyhoodle, yesterday was spent getting a refund for the kitchen set, because Jimmy determined that the table is too long for our space. Sigh. I was so in love with it too.
But we did buy a dog crate for the puppy we're getting in a few weeks, and we even bought a fire pit for the back patio! Mom and Dad gave us money for it as a housewarming. Wasn't that totally sweet? And get this, they didn't have any in boxes, just two on display. So I said to the sweet Lowe's guy, "Hey, since these aren't boxed and are technically considered display models, can you give me a discount?" He says, "Well, it's not something we normally do, but let me see." So, he gave me 10% off, plus we didn't have the hassle of putting the thing together! Wahooooooo!
Last night the girls made S'mores. Yummy!
If Jill and the girls come this weekend as planned, I've proposed a wienie roast! Oh yeah, you know I can make a blog post out of that, don't you?
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