I'm Dumber Than a 7th Grader

Hell, for that matter, I'm dumber than a 3rd grader.  At least when it comes to math.  I have never gotten numbers.  They're just too random for me, they don't tell a story.  Words are my thing.

To me, math is like dry toast.  Boring.  Unnecessary for the most part.  I mean, who needs unbuttered toast, and who needs Pi for goodness sakes?

But words?  Words are like a thick, juicy (but well done, please!) cheeseburger, piled with all the yummy, artery- clogging accessories it can fit between its buns.  Words you can savor and masticate until you reach complete satisfaction.  Numbers?  Ptooey!  I'm not putting that in my mouth!

And although I've always hated math and struggled through it, I kind of thought I had a semi-intelligent grasp on science.  Maybe I do, but apparently not on a 7th grade, Pre-AP, class level.

When Mikayla got home this afternoon she explained to me exactly how a thermometer works.  Okay, that one was easy to understand.  Would you like me to explain it to you? Ya know, just in case you're dumber than a 7th grader?

Nah, I'll skip it.

Because then she went on to explain why steam is much hotter and will give you a much more serious burn than boiling water.

I'll admit, that one was very hard to comprehend.  I mean, I'm pretty sure she was speaking English but then again, I could be wrong, because to me it all sounded like jkhagfdohrewoiuhfsdkajnapoiteh oiawheronfa oaweuif and that's why steam is hotter than boiling water.

I think she got a bit frustrated by my glassy-eyed stare because she threw her hands into the air and said, "How can I explain this in simple terms that you can understand?  Geez!  It's like I'm talking to a kindergarten student!"

Thanks for that note of encouragement, Bitchayla.  Way to make your mom feel like a raging moron.

What does this mean, blogger buds?  Do I need to go back to middle school and learn this stuff all over again?  If so, I'm moving to Canada under an alias, never to be found again. 

Maybe I'll become a mountie, eh?

 

Hey, I could rock that look!  If the outfit comes in a 3X anyway.

But come on... the curriculum has obviously changed exponentially (See?  I can do words!) since I was in school.  I'm right, right?

# of Joules (Jewels?  I like jewels!):

Q = (delta)T * M* Cp

What the hell IS that???

What is (delta)T if 22.75 of A1 is heated by 245.705?

I can't even read these damn notes, but I think the solution to the above is:  

(delta)T=12* Celsius

Dear God, you couldn't pay me to go back and learn this stuff. 

I believe I shall stick to the written word, whereas I can express my deepest emotion with superfluous, supercilious and exceedingly overdone sentences. 

That makes me happy.


Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Sunday Scramble

• Bon Jovi.  I think I'm on overload here.  Ever since Jimmy announced tickets to the Circle concert on April 17th, Madison has lived, breathed and sung Bon Jovi.  Non-stop.  This morning Jimmy was kidding around with her, kind of talking in Bon Jovi lyrics code.  He'd say a random line in a song and Madison would always know the next.  Then he'd say, "Madison, who worked on the docks?"  She'd say, "Tommy.".  Jimmy would say, "Who is Tommy's girlfriend?"  Madison would say, "Gina!"

• At one point, Jimmy said, "Madison, Mommy says you're much too obsessed with Jon Bon Jovi and she thinks you need a therapist.  I found a great doctor to bring you to.  His name is Dr. Richie Sambora."  Madison says, "Nice try.  That's the guitarist!"

• Is this at all normal for an 8-year-old?

• The Bachelor.  He's sweet, he's romantic, he's hot hot hot.

 

• But if he doesn't discard this bimbo this week I just may lose all respect for him.

• Bitchayla strikes again.  This time, she desecrated my Robert Pattinson calendar.  

• I now have something tucked away in the hall closet to show definitive proof of how much stuff Strudel destroys and consumes in a month.  It's called, The Strudel Box:  Dum Dum Dum!!!  Yes, that is its name and it's quickly filling up.  At the end of the month I'll dump it and take pictures for all to see.  

• I think I may need a bigger box.

Case in point:

All that other stuff on the floor?  Clean laundry she decided looked better gracing the carpet rather than the laundry basket.

• You can be mad at her so often and for so many different things, but then you catch moments like this.

I will overlook the fact that A) she's not allowed on the couch and, B) she's also using MY blankie!

• Sinead!!!!  She came over yesterday!  Oh, it was so good to clap eyes on her after 8 years.  She came sans family, and her and I went out for a very late lunch, then I brought her into Publix to show her the glory that is my favorite supermarket.  She bought plungers and shit. It was awesome.

• It's really kind of bizarre how long we've been friends (35 years) and how long it's been since we've even lived in the same state, and how after an hour or so of being together it just went back to being comfortable and easy.

• Sinead does not like TV.  So much so that she does not allow cable in her house.  No, not extended cable.  BASIC cable.   Does this sound odd to anyone else, or is it just me and my whole family that think she's a bit nutso?

• I made her watch an episode of Ghost Hunters International.  I think she likey.  

• No pictures of Nade because she's a privacy freak and I want to respect that.  Well no, I don't want to, but I feel I have to for the sake of a life-long friendship.  

• Sinead called me this afternoon to thank me for yesterday.  Awwww... isn't that just so sweet?  But then?  She turned into the psycho velcro friend we both agreed we abhor!  It went something like this:  "When can I come over with all my boys?  Saturday?  Oh, you're busy then?  Are you sure?  How about Sunday?  HowAboutTodayRightNowWeCanBeInTheCarAndAtYourHouseIn30Minutes..."

• *crickets*

• Okay, so I exaggerate a tiny bit.  But like I told Sinead, I'm not used to having a close friend to make plans with.  I generally don't do plans.  I tell ya one thing, oldest and dearest friend or not, if she starts showing up unannounced I shall denounce her as my oldest and dearest and then skip town.  Sorry Nade. 

•  Mikayla pointed this out to me this week.  (days of the week):  MTWTFSS.

• Should I be proud?  Or scared, perhaps? 

• Jimmy is going to Puerto Rico on business on Monday.  Sonofabitch.

Favorite Bloggy Quote of the Week:

• This week comes to us via Shelley (Ooh shit, am I allowed to use your real name?) of ThatGirl Blogs.

"Even though TheTeen calls hamburger “carcass,” she wanted to help in the kitchen so she made dinner with me.  Sweet right?  Um, yeah, imagine making this dish with a Middle Schooler.  “How big do you want your balls, Mom? You’re going to brown the balls?  Gross!” Fits of giggles.  Snorting.  Doubling over.  She even found some innuendo in the “creamy” potatoes.  Sigh.  Thankfully, TheLittles a) will eat carcass and b) are too busy telling fart jokes to laugh at ball jokes."

I was so glad to find out I'm not the only one that makes inappropriate anatomy jokes with my child.

Now come on peeps, link up and join the fun!!!




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!