I’d Rather Have a Pap Smear

 

Pain.  Unbearable pain in my jaw.  I was supposed to have my 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed quite a while ago.  Okay, more than quite a while. More like 15 years ago.  But hell, I have panic disorder, and just looking at that dentist’s chair gives me palpitations.  I’m riddled with unfilled cavities which I ignore as best I can because yeah, I’d rather have a pap smear. 

By a really hot guy.

Under fluorescent lighting. 

With Barry White playing in the background.

I’d rather all that than have anyone screw around in my mouth while laying defenseless on a motorized lounge chair.

All I can say is, thank goodness HGTV was on the flat screen and not Barry White over the speaker system, because  A) the dentist was kind of hot and, B) the lighting was really brutal.

First I was brought into my little cubicle and asked to lay down on the chair.  You all know what they look like.

But that’s not what my panicky eyes saw.  My eyes saw this friggin’ thing.

Once I was comfortably ensconced in my chair or torture, the cute little ponytail-wearing dental tech came in to take an x-ray of my upper left wisdom tooth.  Now the thing you have to stick in your mouth is really quite tiny, see?

 

 

 

 

 

But to me the damn thing could have been this big…

 

Because I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get the little thing IN!

 

 

There would be no x-ray for me this day.  Totally impossible.  If I have to pry my mouth open just to get a fork in there, there was no way that little square thing was going to work.

So Dr. Hotness comes in to examine my yuck mouth.  He grabbed the usual dental pick and started tapping on my teeth to see if any of them hurt.  Why yes, a few did, but I’m not here for those teeth!

 

And please, for the love of Pete, get that damn pointy thing away from my swollen gums!

 

I just know the masochistic prick switched implements while I had my eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Next came that little tiny mirror, so he could better see the cause of my agony.  Once again, I lay there with my mouth open just the tiniest bit while he stumbled around, bumping into every sensitive area just to get a peek.

Such an innocent instrument, don’t you think?  Well, not when it’s in the back corner of my mouth, pressing on my jaw bone or joint, or whatever the hell is back there. 

Once again, I think the slimy bastard handsome doctor switched to something more torture worthy.

Like this.

 

 

See those evil looking dudes on there?  Yeah, they were in my mouth, laughing their demonic heads off.

 

 

 

Next, Dr. Hotty McHotness starting pressing all along under my jaw-line.  OW!!!!!!!!!!  What the hell was THAT?  That was a lymph node, and the final piece of the wisdom tooth puzzle.  I’ve got an infection in my jaw, hence the excruciating pain and inability to even open wide enough to stuff a cracker in my mouth without yelping.

So now I’m on 500 mg of Amoxicillin, four times a day, for the next 7 days.  And then, lucky me, I have to see an oral surgeon.  God, I wonder what his chair will look like?  ‘Cause honestly?  I’d prefer one of these.

 

 

 

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