Things I Despise, Bitch Session #1

It seems like every day I find something new that I can't stand, or something old I can't stand and just usually don't think about anymore. And I figured hey, I haven't yet used my blog as a bitch session, so why not start now?

1) First thing on my mind is the flat-topped stove. Now I know a lot of you have them and love them for their easy cleaning and sleek look, but I cannot stand the things. When we first moved into our house in Tampa I begged Jimmy to let us upgrade to the smooth top and he gave in and I soon regretted it. Yes, they are very easy to clean but dammit, when I'm done cooking something and I want the heat off, I want it off NOW, not 20 minutes from now. I don't want to have to remove the pan from the burner and find somewhere else to put it. My dream for the next house is a nice gas stove with an electric oven. There's just nothing finer than FIRE to heat your food. Ask a caveman, he'll tell you it's so.





2) I cannot stand to be asked "when I'm due". Look you morons out there, I'm FAT, not pregnant! Do you not see that the fat is spread out pretty evenly throughout my body? Is my ass not the size of Texas? Am I carrying a baby in my buttocks? No, it's just FAT! I'll admit, for a thick chick I've got some really nice calves. If you look at me from the knee down you'd probably never know that a fat woman exists from there up. But, since I can only assume that people I happen to meet in stores are looking above my knee, what is their excuse? The Ha-Ha part of this scenario comes when I bluntly say, "I'm not pregnant, just fat." and watch the mortification come over their tomato red faces.

3) Silence. Simple as that. I can't take it!!!!!!!!!! It can never be truly silent around me or my head feels wonky, I hear ringing in my ears and everything seems surreal. Take for example that overwhelming feeling of absolute quiet just after the power goes out. Sure, within a few seconds you hear plenty of stuff around you; birds tweeting, bugs chattering, etc. But in that first millisecond when the electricity has cut out, it's almost like being deaf.
The worst for me is trying to sleep in a totally quiet room. Nope, can't do it. When staying at a hotel I always sleep lousy unless there's a loud vent fan in the bathroom I can turn on. So how do I deal with this on a daily basis? I keep a big, loud (ugly) fan in my bedroom, and keep it on high when it's time to sleep. High velocity fans are the best for this. A bomb could go off outside the door and you wouldn't be able to hear it. I don't care if it's -20 F and Jimmy is dressed like an Eskimo to keep warm. That fan is ALWAYS on at night.

4) When a person types EVERYTHING IN CAPS. Look, I've been online since 1993, and one of the first things I learned is that writing in caps means you're screaming.Okay, many of us also write in caps when we are trying to express extreme feelings. I'm okay with that. I do it myself. But do not send me an entire email all in capitals unless you want me to stab you in your sleep. Okay, I wouldn't really do that. I also totally hate murder.






5) Ewww, another thing I can't stand are those really strong, perfumey air fresheners that people keep on the back of their toilet for those stinky situations. Do these things actually remove the poopy odor? No, they do not. They just make a nice mix of flowers and poop for your nasal pleasure. It's like trying to mask the smell of a fart by suddenly opening a window. Sorry! Too late! Already smelled it and a little fresh air isn't going to erase that smell from sensory memory. Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd much rather walk into a bathroom that smells like poopy than walk into a bathroom that smells like citrus poopy.

This is only part one of things I despise. Jill tells me I hate a lot of things, so I'm sure I'll come up with many more over the coming months to share with you. Don't get too excited now. It takes time to think of things I truly despise. You'll just have to wait with bated breath until I post Bitch Session #2. Heeheehee!

Until next time, Justine