Proof of How I Wasted 2009 on Facebook

Well, we're just on the cusp of 2010 and instead of truly sitting back and reflecting on the things I've accomplished this year, there's nothing I thought it would be more fun (for me anyway) to look back at the updates I posted on Facebook in 2009.

If you've yet to add me as a Facebook friend, this is the kind of stuff you've been missing.

.... ACHOO! Need I say more?


is tongueing her new cold sore

thinks everyone is jealous because I have a GENUINE Slanket.

got another cold sore. This time from the snausages rubbing up against the skin between the nose and mouth. Ugh.

is listening to John and Tracy's corgis yap yap yapping, and Chuck and Larry's poms yip yip yipping. It's like my own personal rooster, sans cockadoodledoo

is wondering why Strudel thinks her poop tastes good.

has to pee but is too lazy to get up.

is wondering why Jill even came here if all we're going to do is email and facebook while sitting across the table from each other.

is ready to kill 3 of the 4 kids in the house, castrate the hubby in his sleep, pour water over the sister's head, and run away!!!!!!

is wondering how long it will take Strudel to squirt out all the tapeworm in her belly. I'm being buried in dog poop!

Hello, North Florida? The Pacific Northwest is calling. They'd like their rain back.

Is wondering that once it hits 5:00, should she even bother showering for the day? Okay, don't answer that. I'm going, i'm going!

thinks Florida's sunshine is overrated. I wanna move to Seattle!

just covered herself from neck to toe in bug juice and took the dog out for less than a minute. I am now sporting an enormous skeeter bite near my ass, two on my neck and one on my FACE! Argh! Forget Seattle. I'm moving to ICELAND!

is watching two lizards getting it on in the screen room. Interesting...

just yowled because Strudel jumped on my lap and bit the most sensitive part of my booby! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa

had to laugh. On the phone with Mom yesterday. She said, "You're working on what? Huh?" And in the background my father yelling, "Oh, tell her to cut the shit with that stupid farm crap!" I love my family!

is currently enjoying Mikayla peeling my back. Ahhhhhhhhhhh... dead skin's a flyin'

The gang is playing washers and getting eaten alive by attack skeeters, even with spray on. My dad just said, "This will be the first game ever called for mosquitos." Heeheeheee

	is idly watching the loud, fat Italian family swooping down on a whole watermelon. It ain't pretty folks. It ain't pretty.

is wondering if I have to shower and put on a bra to bring Madison up to the amenities center for her swimming lessons. Yes? That's what I thought.

forgot just how noxious dog farts can be, how they can permeate every corner of a room. Is it twisted that I kind of enjoy it?

is amazed that her sister actually believes that 20 minutes after the hour, and 20 minutes before each hour, there is a lull... a quietness all throughout the world. She's actually upset that I'm laughing at her.

is listening to Mikayla and Jill Skyping when they're only 8 feet apart.

Note to self: Do not scoop poop on sprinkler days. Repeat. Do NOT scoop poop on sprinkler days.

, at 10:15 p.m., decided she could no longer take the ungodly heat and jumped in Grisel's pool. Fully clothed. With a pack of cigarettes in her pocket. Oops.

has a hoo-hoo exam today. Blechhhhhhhhhh

Arghhh! Strudel ate one of my favorite flip-flops!!!

Jill's stupid of the day? She thought pineapples grew upside-down. DOH

wants to take a ride on your disco stick

just brought Strudel out to go potty. She went into psycho mode, jumped up and bit my nipple. Yes, my NIPPLE!

inner thigh! She got my inner thigh! Owwwwwwwwwww

is Skyping with Jill. she just let out a burp and my keyboard VIBRATED from it!

 must clean. Must get her fat ass off this chair and clean the house.

she ate a purple pen, a plastic hanger, a piece of paper towel, a receipt, and my NEW Nike flip-flops! All within the span of an hour.

has just plucked enough man hairs off my face to knit a small sweater. If the growth pattern is any indication, I may be shaving my chest within the next few years.

Dear Mother Nature, If I understand correctly, we are now on the cusp of autumn. I do understand that I live in a sub-tropical climate but I must say that 93 degrees in September is just unacceptable! Would you PLEASE turn down the the damn thermostat? Sweatily Yours, Justine

Could all of you do me a favor? Find the nearest weapon and use it to put me out of my misery? Thank you soooooo much!

cannot believe her dog. She ate 1/3 of the cover of one of my books, then stole the remote, then took my cell phone. Help meeeeeee

dog ate my cell phone

with all the crud going around, after a trip to the library I feel like I need a Silkwood kinda shower.

my brand new Samsung Behold phone? She ate the damn charger. I shit you not.

She escaped the kitchen again. This time? She ate a pen, a pencil, gnawed on the remote and ate a chapstick.

the skin on my legs looks totally reptilian.

it's so funny watching Strudel chasing lizards around the perimeter of the screen room. She rarely catches one, but oops... she just did.

OMG, I am in major lust with Mr. Shu on Glee. Yum yum yum!

hypothetical question: If one accidentally cooked some styrofoam from the meat packaging in the crockpot with her stew, would she be poisoning her family? Just hyptothetically speaking, of course.

Hmmm... when I press down just under my right ear, it sounds like I've got bubble wrap in there.

what do you do when your dog has eaten your library book?

why do I hear bagpipes?

just stepped in dog poop.

new snausages coming Friday morning. Strudel ate my other ones.

really need to cut my toe nails. Too lazy to do so. Also, when you're this fat it's kinda hard to get at them. Maybe I'll ask Strudel to gnaw on them.

hears many drunk men singing. Husband just may be one of them.

is at Jill's house, listening to Jimmy play a very pink and girly Disney guitar. With a Hannah Montana pick.

See?  You need to add me as your Facebook friend or you'll miss all the enlightening things I write about.  There were so many more, but I figured I could only torture my blogging friends so much before they stop following me.

Happy New Year!!!

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Jill Wuz Here

Yep, Jill and the girls have been here since Friday afternoon, but I can't say we've spent all that much time together. Ya know, because Facebooking, farming, and spending time with Mikayla seems more alluring to Jill than being in my company.

Okay, so it's probably not really that way, just the way things work out.

From the moment she opened the front door, all sense of quiet ceased to exist in my home. Strudel didn't even have to see Cannoli to know she was here, and boy did she get excited. She turned into a canine pogo stick.



Don't worry, she wasn't left to suffer much longer. As soon as I put the camera down she was released from her kitchen prison.

Three minutes later, Jill plopped down at the kitchen table and opened her computer.

Well hello there sister dear! So glad to see you're more concerned with your crops than paying attention to me!

So I went upstairs and took a nap. So sue me! I'd gotten less than six hours of sleep Thursday night and I had a party to go to at Jimmy's boss's house that night. Without my beauty sleep I'd be hopeless.

While I was schmoozing with the Stellar execs, Jill took the girls to the mall for a few hours. The party was nice, the people were nice, and holy shit, but did I actually behave myself and not embarrass my husband? Yes, I surely did and managed to do so while still being me. Go figure. Who even knew it was possible?

I didn't stay very late, but in fact left Jimmy there at 10:30 to be driven home by a friend. Hey, sister was waiting! Well, sister and my farm. Little did I know that Jill had forgotten to take her brain home from the mall. Boy was I in for some laughing due to her stupidity. Her, Mikayla and I were sitting out here, each of us on a different computer, and just about every single thing that came out of Jill's mouth was either mangled or just plain stupid.

Example:

Hey, did you know that at 20 minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour there's a lull of silence?

Huh? Wha? A lull of silence? Just that sentence alone makes no sense.

But yeah, there's a lull of silence!

Do you mean there's a break in the silence?

No, it becomes silent!

WHAT becomes silent?

The WORLD!

Huh? Wha? Jill, are you on drugs?

No really. It's true. Twenty minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour the entire world gets quiet.

Holy shit. I really do need to disown you. You're an idiot!

Now I don't remember how the topic of worms and their anatomy came up... something about Mikayla and doing dissections, but we rolled with laughter when Jill, stunned, asked, "Worms have butt holes?" Well yes, yes they do. That's how they POOP.

Then, of course, farming came up. Jill was acting all offended when I told her I'd sold off all my farm animals.

Why? What have you got against farm animals? Or have you decided to join PETA?

This could have made some sort of sense until she asked what PETA stands for.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Oh, but I thought it was spelled PITA.

No dumbass, that's the thing you eat. Or it could also stand for Pain in the Ass, which you are. You're making my butt twitch.

At one point, Jill was staring across the table at me. She said:

Your left owl is starting to look a little spermy again.

My owl? Do you mean my eyebrow?

Yeah, what did I say?

I give up!!!

Poor Mikayla could do nothing but shake her head, laugh, and call her aunt an idiot. Which she is, so I didn't smack her upside the head for insolence.

Saturday, the kids had a bit of fun in the tiny kiddie pool. Gianna just loves this thing and the two other not-so-little ones decided to get in on the action.

Um, you'll have to ignore the ripped black plastic bag that's in place of where a screen belongs. It's only been like this for 3 months. We have the screen, we have the tool to fix it, but someone won't let me fix it and keeps saying it will get done. Yeah. Right. So for now? We live as white trailer trash do.









And while they were doing that, Jill, Mikayla and I were doing this.



Look. I caught Jill mid-sentence saying, "Don't you dare!"


We did wind up going to the pool for a couple of hours which was a wonderful respite from the overwhelming heat. I didn't bring my camera because really, do you want to see Jill and I in bathing suits? No, I didn't think so.

Jill insisted the entire day that she was driving home that night. No matter how much begging and cajoling I did, she still wanted to go home. Well sure, just make me feel unloved. Just rip my heart to shreds why don't you.

But then Jimmy brought the girls to the movies and oops, didn't get home till 1:30 a.m. So, Jill is still here.

While I was out here on the lanai doing my thing, this little sucker crawled right up to me. He was squished to death soon after I took the picture.



Jill at this very moment. Why does she always look pissed at me?



And Gianna. Why is this child always nekkid?



Well, she's got one kid dressed now, and one still naked and she's packing up to go. I'll miss her, I'll miss the girls, but I think I will embrace the sweet silence for a while. And then will have to scrub and deodorize my house. Why is it that when she's here everything gets filthy?

*Stay tuned for my next episode of farming on Facebook. In this episode Picket will be spotlighted as the current blogger to have been bitten by the farming bug. Another ho with a hoe? You betchya! If you hear incredibly loud sissy-girl screaming? It's just Dot, making it known that her corn is ready for harvest.




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!