Jill Wuz Here

Yep, Jill and the girls have been here since Friday afternoon, but I can't say we've spent all that much time together. Ya know, because Facebooking, farming, and spending time with Mikayla seems more alluring to Jill than being in my company.

Okay, so it's probably not really that way, just the way things work out.

From the moment she opened the front door, all sense of quiet ceased to exist in my home. Strudel didn't even have to see Cannoli to know she was here, and boy did she get excited. She turned into a canine pogo stick.



Don't worry, she wasn't left to suffer much longer. As soon as I put the camera down she was released from her kitchen prison.

Three minutes later, Jill plopped down at the kitchen table and opened her computer.

Well hello there sister dear! So glad to see you're more concerned with your crops than paying attention to me!

So I went upstairs and took a nap. So sue me! I'd gotten less than six hours of sleep Thursday night and I had a party to go to at Jimmy's boss's house that night. Without my beauty sleep I'd be hopeless.

While I was schmoozing with the Stellar execs, Jill took the girls to the mall for a few hours. The party was nice, the people were nice, and holy shit, but did I actually behave myself and not embarrass my husband? Yes, I surely did and managed to do so while still being me. Go figure. Who even knew it was possible?

I didn't stay very late, but in fact left Jimmy there at 10:30 to be driven home by a friend. Hey, sister was waiting! Well, sister and my farm. Little did I know that Jill had forgotten to take her brain home from the mall. Boy was I in for some laughing due to her stupidity. Her, Mikayla and I were sitting out here, each of us on a different computer, and just about every single thing that came out of Jill's mouth was either mangled or just plain stupid.

Example:

Hey, did you know that at 20 minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour there's a lull of silence?

Huh? Wha? A lull of silence? Just that sentence alone makes no sense.

But yeah, there's a lull of silence!

Do you mean there's a break in the silence?

No, it becomes silent!

WHAT becomes silent?

The WORLD!

Huh? Wha? Jill, are you on drugs?

No really. It's true. Twenty minutes after the hour and 20 minutes before the hour the entire world gets quiet.

Holy shit. I really do need to disown you. You're an idiot!

Now I don't remember how the topic of worms and their anatomy came up... something about Mikayla and doing dissections, but we rolled with laughter when Jill, stunned, asked, "Worms have butt holes?" Well yes, yes they do. That's how they POOP.

Then, of course, farming came up. Jill was acting all offended when I told her I'd sold off all my farm animals.

Why? What have you got against farm animals? Or have you decided to join PETA?

This could have made some sort of sense until she asked what PETA stands for.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Oh, but I thought it was spelled PITA.

No dumbass, that's the thing you eat. Or it could also stand for Pain in the Ass, which you are. You're making my butt twitch.

At one point, Jill was staring across the table at me. She said:

Your left owl is starting to look a little spermy again.

My owl? Do you mean my eyebrow?

Yeah, what did I say?

I give up!!!

Poor Mikayla could do nothing but shake her head, laugh, and call her aunt an idiot. Which she is, so I didn't smack her upside the head for insolence.

Saturday, the kids had a bit of fun in the tiny kiddie pool. Gianna just loves this thing and the two other not-so-little ones decided to get in on the action.

Um, you'll have to ignore the ripped black plastic bag that's in place of where a screen belongs. It's only been like this for 3 months. We have the screen, we have the tool to fix it, but someone won't let me fix it and keeps saying it will get done. Yeah. Right. So for now? We live as white trailer trash do.









And while they were doing that, Jill, Mikayla and I were doing this.



Look. I caught Jill mid-sentence saying, "Don't you dare!"


We did wind up going to the pool for a couple of hours which was a wonderful respite from the overwhelming heat. I didn't bring my camera because really, do you want to see Jill and I in bathing suits? No, I didn't think so.

Jill insisted the entire day that she was driving home that night. No matter how much begging and cajoling I did, she still wanted to go home. Well sure, just make me feel unloved. Just rip my heart to shreds why don't you.

But then Jimmy brought the girls to the movies and oops, didn't get home till 1:30 a.m. So, Jill is still here.

While I was out here on the lanai doing my thing, this little sucker crawled right up to me. He was squished to death soon after I took the picture.



Jill at this very moment. Why does she always look pissed at me?



And Gianna. Why is this child always nekkid?



Well, she's got one kid dressed now, and one still naked and she's packing up to go. I'll miss her, I'll miss the girls, but I think I will embrace the sweet silence for a while. And then will have to scrub and deodorize my house. Why is it that when she's here everything gets filthy?

*Stay tuned for my next episode of farming on Facebook. In this episode Picket will be spotlighted as the current blogger to have been bitten by the farming bug. Another ho with a hoe? You betchya! If you hear incredibly loud sissy-girl screaming? It's just Dot, making it known that her corn is ready for harvest.




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

The Things Jill Won't Tell You

Ah, my sweet, accident prone, sometimes brainless sister, Jill. God love her, she is the sweetest, most giving person you'd ever have the honor of meeting. But she's an idiot. I say this in the most loving, caring, my-sister-is-a-penis kind of way.

There are so many reasons to love my sis, and here are some of them...

One night we were chatting on the phone as she drove to Publix for some groceries. We got off the phone and Jill walked into the store, only then realizing it was the wrong Publix. Because she'd been distracted talking to moi, she drove miles out of her way and didn't realize her mistake until she was in the unfamiliar store. Dork.


Sadly, Publix is obviously a huge part of our lives. Another night we were on the phone chatting about what we needed to pick up for our week's groceries. I was idly wondering what was on sale, when Jill started reciting every BOGO and sale item in the store. From produce to meats, from snacks to condiments, she knew every one. I asked her where she got the ad or if she was viewing it online. She was not reading the ad! She had memorized all of the sale items from a previous visit to the store! Freakish.



One night Jill was out and about shopping with Mom. She'd bought this wonderful smelling lip gloss, and while driving, applied it. Seconds later she was screaming in pain. Her lips were on fire! What was wrong with this damn lip gloss? She took a closer look at the label. It was not lip gloss. It was roll-on perfume! As she frantically tried to remove the flesh eating scent, her and Mom were practically peeing their pants laughing like loons. Later, the skin on her lips cracked, peeled, and bled. Stoopid.



Last night she was carrying a 2-liter bottle of diet soda from one room to another. She accidentally dropped it and it rolled under her computer desk. She reached down and picked it up, but somehow, in the process of straightening back up, she whacked herself in the face with the soda bottle. Once again, she's bleeding. My question: How does one pick up a bottle of soda and thrust it into one's face? Moron.



Jill has a fence around her property with a gate across the driveway. When she brings the dogs out, she's usually good about making sure Mark or Wayne has closed the gate behind them. Sometimes she forgets and the dogs make a bee-line for freedom. Usually, when this happens Jill is in a state of, shall we say, undress. But does she take the time to go inside and put on some decent clothes and shoes? No, of course not. She just wants to get her dogs back safely in her yard. Twice in the last month this has happened, both times when it was in the low 30s. Picture this: Jill in shorts and tank top. No bra, no shoes. Hair like a rat's nest. Now picture in your mind, Jill running up and down her street, trying to catch the dogs, boobs swinging to and fro, hitting her in the chin, bare feet pounding the frozen pavement, yelling like a crazy woman for Reeses Peanut Butter Cup to "Come here now!" Mental patient.

Once again we're on the phone at night while she's driving. Suddenly she pulls up to what I thought was her house and starts talking to a raccoon in the yard. This in itself isn't odd for Jill, as we both talk to the critters. What was odd was when I heard the car start moving again. "Jill, where are you going? You were in your driveway." Jill says, "No I wasn't. I was in someone else's driveway!" So now we can add trespassing for the sake of wildlife entertainment to her list of abnormalities. Psycho.



Last week Jill was getting ready to go to our nephew, Jonny's play, called Romeo, You Idiot. She was applying foundation to her face, smearing it all over, when she realized the texture was all wrong. Doofus had spread hair mousse all over her face! How can one even make that mistake? Foundation is creamy, mousse is... well, it's frickin' fluffy! Jill, You Idiot!


Look at the name of the mousse. Am I clever, or am I clever?


Stay tuned blogger buddies. There are always new Jill stories to tell, and it's my goal in life to let them be heard!







-