She's Bringin' Stupid Back

I have to tell you, I've been worried about Jill these past few months.  No, not because she's going through a divorce from a lecherous monster.  I have all faith that she can endure that whole drama and come out on top.

Nope, what's really been worrying me is that I thought she'd lost her stupid. 

This may be hard for you to understand, but it was scary for me.  How could I survive my days without hearing Jill mangle the English language?  How could I enjoy any time I have with her if she's acting like a normal person?  It didn't bear thinking about, but think about it I did, because she seemed to have gone at least two months without saying anything to put me in stitches, or at the very least just shake my head with pity.

My God, Jill has lost her stupid!!!

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she'd find it again while in the midst of worry over our mother.  But it seems that my mother's stroke, while not affecting her own speech patterns, did indeed affect Jill's cognitive ability.  What's that saying about God closing a door but opening a window?  It's kinda like that, I think.

I have examples too, which just tickles me to no end.  And get this.  It's not only Jill who got her stupid back, but Mom and Dad too!  Woot woot!

Anyway, Jill always does the driving when we're not close to my house.  She was kind of drifting over to the left from her lane, but not really with any intentions I could see.  Finally I asked, "What the hell are you doing?"  She said, "I'm making a useD turn."

While sitting in Cracker Barrel I said, "Wow, could these chairs be any less comfortable?" 

Jill:  "I don't know, but my crotch has pins and needles."

Wow, hoo hoo talk at the table and I learned something new.  Had no clue your hooch could fall asleep from lack of circulation.

Then, all in one sentence, no break even for a breath she says, "Geez, my hand is killing me should I get the biscuits or sausage?"

The last Jill stupid isn't even anything she said, but what she did.  She was driving me home Thursday night, as usual with her cell phone tucked into her bra (boob tooth, remember?).  I glanced over at her and did a double-take.  She was plucking her face while driving on I-95.

What the pluck???

Me:  "Jill, what the hell are you doing?  You can't hope to grab any hairs when you're not looking in the mirror."

Jill:  "That's okay.  Accidentally pinching my skin keeps me awake while I'm driving."

Some people open a window.  Others drink coffee or turn up the radio.  Jill?  She plucks.

Okay, enough about Jill.  Let's turn to Mom.  The day she was released from the hospital she insisted on coming out to eat with Dad and I.  She would not be deterred.  She'd had enough of being sedentary.  So, I'm sitting across the table from them when Mom gets this strange look on her face while staring at something behind my back. 

She then says, "Justine, I don't know if there's something wrong with my eyes from the stroke, but that woman behind you has two sets of toes."

Me:  "Huh?"

Mom:  "That woman has two sets of toes on each foot, one set behind the other!  They're pink! Look!"

Dad, very serious, "Gin, are you feeling okay?"

Mom:  "Would you just look!"

I turned around but the woman was at an angle to me.  The only feet I could see were those of her son, sitting across from her and his feet looked just fine.

Mom:  "Justine, you have to get up and look under their table.  Please!"  *Giggling*

Dad:  "Ginny, would you stop, they're going to hear you!"

Mom:  "Hey Justine, if I throw this spoon you can go pick it up and then casually look at the woman's feet."

Me:  "Mom, do not throw...."

Mom:  *throws spoon within 2 feet of woman's table*  *Laughing like a hyena*

As I'm bending down:  "I'm picking up the spoon but I am not looking!"

Mom: "Gee, thanks!  I swear she's got two sets of toes!"

Somehow we got through dinner without further incident, but I did catch mom staring under that other table several times.  I swear, sometimes she acts like such a child.  But as we were leaving the restaurant, I was able to glance back and look at the woman's feet.  Oh.  My.  God.  My mother is an idiot!!!!"

Me:  "Mom?  That chick does not have two sets of toes."

Mom:  "Really?"

Me:  "Yes really, Mom, she must have just had a manicure.  She was wearing pink toe separators." 

*Three of us cracking up*

The next day the three of us were sitting outside while Mom was on the phone.  At one point she lifted her arm to touch her hair and I could not believe my eyes.  As soon as she got off the phone, I said, "Mom, when's the last time you shaved your pits?"

Mom:  "I don't know, why?"

Me:  "Well, your pit hair is so long we could probably braid and bead them.  You look like you just came off the show, Survivor."

About half an hour later, as she passed by my chair she quickly lifted up her arm to flash me her jungle pit.

Is this normal?  Do your 64 year old moms do this kind of thing?

So Thursday morning I'm chatting with my dad and he's telling me about a segment they did on the Today Show about how fattening movie theater popcorn is.  He explained that most theaters use cheap coconut oil to pop with.  But, in classic let's-insert-my-own-words dad-style, he said:

"But some movie theaters use the healthier, granola oil."

Me:  "Do you mean canola oil, Dad?"

Dad:  "Isn't that what I said?  Cannoli oil?"

Then I lost it.




You just never know what's going to come out of the mouth of a Ferrara.  I swear, when I'm with them I should have a voice-activated recorder strapped to my neck because I doubt anyone would really believe this shit just 'cause I'm telling you.

I also learned of what I believe is a new phenomena in the 55 and older communities.  They've taken going out to lunch to a whole new place, literally.  My parents' neighbors, Roland and Carol told me their favorite place to go for lunch is...






the local hospital's cafeteria. 

They say it's super cheap (you can get a loaded baked potato for $2.49!) and the food is delicious!


If I ever utter the words,  " Hey, I'm hungry.  Wanna take a ride up to Baptist South for lunch?",  just kill me on the spot.





Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

A Stroke of... Well, A Stroke.

Some of you may have noticed I don't think anyone noticed that I've been MIA the past few days.  I wish I could say it was because I took an impromptu vacation but unfortunately that wasn't the cause of my absence.  You see, late last week my mother went to her general practitioner, complaining of a horrendous headache and sporadic numbness on the left side of her nose, lips, chin, and hand.  Her doctor basically brushed off the symptoms as something unimportant and scheduled her for blood tests the following week.

When I spoke to Mom the following day and she described her symptoms and also told me she'd been having them for several days before seeing the doctor, I told her to go to the ER immediately, do not pass go, do not collect $200... just go!  Her answer to me was, "I'm just not feeling up to going to the ER tonight.  If I feel this bad tomorrow I'll go."  Ugh.  My mother is the most stubborn woman you could ever hope to meet and had I been able to reach through the phone I probably would have slapped her. And not on the numb side of her body.

Long story short, she did go to the ER on Sunday and was admitted.  After a million test were done the diagnosis was that she'd had three TIAs (mini strokes) and one significant stroke in the frontal lobe behind her right eye.  They also found evidence of past strokes too.

Luckily (???) the area of the brain this affected does not impair speech or affect motor skills.  This is more the memory part of the brain.

After two days in the hospital we finally convinced her to have them give her a nicotine patch.  My mom has been smoking since about the age of 12 and has no desire to quit.  But guess what?  She's doing it!  I promised her that if she did it, I would.  Gulp, gasp, waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

So, mom is home now, under the very watchful and Hitleresque eye of my dad.  Jill was sweet enough to come and pick me and the girls up on Tuesday so I could be with everyone.  I only stayed two nights but it felt so good to be there, supporting my mom.

Jill and I did squeeze in some sister time and took a ride to Lake Monroe to hunt for gators.  Wow, there were tons!  Unfortunately, they were so far out in the lake that even at 16x zoom you can barely see the little boogers.

This guy was actually huge!

Click to enlarge

To fully appreciate the enormous size of this guy, I pointed out the location of his tail compared to his head.  Wow.  BIG.

We also took a quick trip to a new state park so the kids could play on the playground.  This tree was absolutely amazing, but the angle I got of it you can't fully appreciate how enormous it is.

There's a protected springs area and oh my, it was just so beautiful it nearly took my breath away.  Look at the color of that water, the beauty of the old oak reaching out over it.

Poopy Pants had a great time going down the slides with cousin Mikayla.

Did you notice Mikayla's hair sticking out all over the place?  Sometimes static electricity is a blast!

Now don't be fooled into thinking our day was all peace and serenity, because get these four kids in the car at the same time and you're bound to leave it with your ears ringing.

Case in point.

I wish I could say that's as bad as it ever gets, but boy would I be lying!

So now I'm home, Strudel is back from our vet's uber cool kennel and she's looking so gorgeous from her mandatory $33 bath.

At this moment Jimmy and the girls are on their first ever camping trip.  You might ask why I'm not with them.  Three words should do it.   

Sleeping in tent.

Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Various Halloween Crap and Some Whining

Due to the extremely underwhelming response to my "answers" post I've decided to put any other answers on hold for a while. Yes, I'm whining and bitching and acting like a baby, but hey, it's my blog and I can throw a self-pity party if I want to!

I hate it when the amount of comments drop so drastically, seemingly out of the blue.

But in spite of that I still have to share a few Halloween pictures with ya. There aren't many, and the ones Jill promised to email me still haven't shown up in my inbox. She's mean like that.

It pisses me the hell off that I can't show you pictures of Alexa and Gianna, but for the time being Jill and I are keeping them off the internet. Ya know, because there's a psychotic-habitual liar-scam artist-thief-wife abuser-asshole on the loose. Not naming names. Just sayin'.

I'm also pissed that because of said asshole I had to edit my pictures to just show my kids. Ugh.

It's no secret that Halloween is not one of my favorite holidays. Honestly, I find it ridiculous to spend gobs of money on tacky costumes that the kids will wear for a total of 3 hours, to then be thrown to the back of the closet. And all for candy.

Okay, maybe it is worth it for chocolate. But ya know, I can't eat it, so no, it's not worth it!

But, I did take the holiday and make it an excuse to do funky makeup and hair. If only it truly showed up in the following pictures, because believe me, it was a bit more dramatic than it appears here.



Yeah baby! When Larry saw me later he said, "Ooh girl, you worked the texture!"


And of course I had to give you a goofy, eye-glittery smile!



I sometimes find it amazing that I purposely make myself look uglier than normal and then have the audacity to post the pictures for all to see.

A bit later in the day I changed my shirt and added a spider clip to my hair that Jill brought along with her. Don't laugh, I was trying to look vampish. I just wasn't pulling it off very well. As I took these pictures my mother was sitting by, snickering at the absurdity.


Looks like the same picture, but it's not. If you click on the picture you'll be able to see the spider fairly well. Of course, then you'll also see my nasty skin too. It's up to you if you want to take the chance.




Before we take a look at the kids, how about a couple pictures of my mother?

Yes, Virginia, there really is a straight jacket waiting for you...





Let's get a bit closer so you can see a perfect representation of geriatric insanity.






The ugly shirt wasn't enough. The ugly necklace and earrings weren't enough. The clashing lipstick wasn't enough. Oh no, she had to add a pumpkin headband and an orange Zoro mask? No wonder my father was walking 20 feet behind her. You don't see him in this picture because he's still standing near the front door!

I told you that wackiness comes naturally to me! Look at the example I had growing up!

But aw, look at my Madison, crouched down in her kitty pose.

Had to do a bit of creative editing here.

And here

And yeah, I'm a terrible mom because I didn't get any shots of Mikayla dressed as a bumble bee. But that's actually okay, being that she didn't wear tights (too hot!), the costume was way too short and she was wearing high heeled Mary Janes. I never knew a bumble bee could look like a ho until Mikayla got dressed up.

Only kidding! Only kidding! My first born could never look like a ho! But she did.

I do have one picture of her, after Trick or Treat, holding her loot. Look at the size of that tin and look at how filled it is! Holy crap!

Just ignore the man beside the ladder. And ignore the ladder that the man was supposed to put away but didn't.



All in all it was a nice day, and great to be surrounded by my family. The neighborhood was literally crawling with ghosts and goblins and dogs dressed up...



Oh wait! Strudel! She was also a bee, but not a ho bee. She wouldn't keep her antennae on though. Could you blame her?



And as if she wasn't feeling violated enough, she had to wear her snout collar while out Trick or Treating.




Another thank you to Ethel for letting Strudel borrow the costume. And another apology to Missie because Strudel ate it.

Before I go, let me ask all of you a question. If I were to do a vlog post, what would you like me to talk about? Or, should I not do a vlog post at all? After all, I could never live up to the standards of YaYa.




Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Hangin' with the 'rents

Remember a while back I mentioned how Jill and I together is kind of like an Abbott and Costello skit? Well, hanging with parents and listening to them talk is kind of like watching the movie Dumb and Dumber. I mean this with all respect, not really because hey, they're my parents, but dang people, they can be so dumb you've just got to laugh.



Saturday, they came over to see our new house and spend the day. I had a field trip in mind, but Jimmy and Madison were tuckered out from an earlier power shopping they had done, so Mom and Dad took me to the American Signature Furniture store to look at that dinette set I'd fallen in love with. Remember it?



So the plan was that Dad would drive my nifty Mazda CX-9 SUV. Should I even tell you how long it took him to first start the car, and then back down the driveway? Yes, I have to.

First question: "Where is the key?"

"I have the key fob right here Dad. Just start the car."

"But where's the key? How do I start the car?"

"Dad, it's keyless. Just turn the thingy there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Dad, I'm sure. Start the damn car!"

So he finally starts it and now puts it in reverse.

"Ooh! There's a camera to show me what's behind me! This is neat!"

"Yep, it's a great feature. Let's go, and be careful not to hit your van."

Brake, release. Brake, release. Brake, release. All the way down the driveway. Mikayla and I just looked at each other and laughed.

"Dad, what the hell are you doing? Just back down the driveway!"

"I've never driven this car before. It feels different."

"Okay dad, but it still reverses like any other car. Let's go!"

Yippeee! We've made it down the driveway! So Dad puts the car in drive and starts going. Mikayla pipes up from the back, "Grandpa! You've got it in manual. You're in the wrong gear!"

"What do you mean, manual, this is an automatic!"

"Grandpa, it's both. You need to get it out of manual and put it in regular drive."

"How?"

(Mikayla huffing) "I'll do it!" So she leans over and puts it in drive. "Can we go now?"

Everything was quite normal until we stopped at a light in front of a Walgreens. They had a sign out front for a mobile vet that will be coming to the area soon. The name of the mobile vet is Pet Care-A-Van. As we were sitting at the light, I noticed Mom staring at the sign and knew something interesting would be forthcoming. She then said, "What a stupid name for a vet. What the hell does that mean?" "Mom, you dork, it's a play on words. 'Care-A-Van' = Caravan. Get it? Mobile vet? Caravan?
"Well, it still sounds stupid to me." To which Dad chimes in, "And look, they're selling rabbits for $10!" Oh boy. "Dad, they're selling rabies shots for $10!"



Light turns green and Dad announces, "Ya know, I really shouldn't be driving. I can only see out of one eye. I mean, it's okay during the day, but at night it's not so great."

Well isn't that wonderful being that he's driving my car?



The rest of the drive was fairly unremarkable as far as I can remember; even our visit to the furniture store was pretty normal. Well, aside from Dad and Mikayla attacking the plate of warm cookies they had just placed out. You'd think they hadn't been fed in days. It was actually embarrassing, the two of them sitting at a kitchen table display, sucking down complimentary bottled water and snarfing cookies. I had to remind them that the cookies were for all the customers, not just them.

So I bought the dinette set that I loved and even found a picture I fell in love with for only $10 on clearance.



A quick trip to Hobby Lobby scored Mom a really cute metal frog for the garden she doesn't have, and two pig book-ends, both on clearance. As we are walking out of the store, we passed by a motorcycle cop standing at his bike, playing with his laptop. Mom announces (loudly), "Hey, the girl didn't charge me for one of the pigs 'cause the doors don't shut properly!"

Dad, grumbling under his breath, "Gin, you're an idiot. There's a cop right there and you're practically announcing that you stole a pig!"

Is it possible to divorce your parents?

Then an argument ensued because Mom wanted to go to Wal-Mart.

"I need a grey pair of slacks. And some gas medicine."

"Gin, it's nearly 6:30 and Justine hasn't got dinner prepared. We have a 30 minute drive home. We cannot go to Wal-Mart today."

"But I want grey slacks! And I need gas medicine. I'll only be five minutes."

Quick background. My mother has never spent only five minutes in any store, ever. Even if she walked from the car to the front door of the store she'd make it take more than five minutes.

"Gin, we don't even know where a Wal-Mart is near here! We're not going!"

(Mom pouting) "I always do what everyone else wants and never get to do what I want!"

OMG, how old are we? I felt like I should soothe her with a lollipop or something.

So anyway, we somehow deflected the whole Wal-Mart-five-minute-expedition and, on the ride home, Dad was explaining a computer problem he's been having that was driving him crazy. He kept on saying, "And I can't get the imported pictures to download to my circles." Huh? Wha? Finally Mikayla said, "Grandpa, do you mean DVDs?" Dad says, "Well yeah, I call them circles." O...K!

When we got home I got dinner on the table. Donna's Pepperoncini crock pot roast, buttered egg noodles, fresh asparagus and garlic bread. Yum! Dessert was Sweet 'N Low brand sugar-free cupcakes that Mikayla and Madison had made earlier in the day. Ptooey! They were disgusting. Do NOT ever try these cake mixes. The cake was like rubber and the chocolate frosting tasted like battery acid. In the garbage they went!

Now dad sat on the couch with Mikayla, telling her a story from his childhood where he was nearly mauled by a bobcat and was saved by his uncle shooting it. Okay dad, these stories are getting weirder and weirder the older you/I get. Mom was at the kitchen table, sewing on a Brownie patch for Madison. Time was ticking and Dad started grumping about the hour drive home and how they had to get up early the next day. It went something like this:

Dad: "Gin, we really need to go now. Are you done yet?"

Mom: "Almost. Then I just want to have one more cigarette."

Dad: "You're killing yourself with those things! You can't even breathe!"

Mom: "Go to hell, Jeff. We're leaving soon."

Me: "But I thought you were going to sew the ribbon on my towels!"

Dad: "Justine, that would take her at least an hour. Forget about it."

Me: "But my towels!" (Stomping foot)

Mom: I'll take them home with me and sew them there."

Me: "Thank you, Mommy!" But I still wanted them done now.

Another 30 minutes or so goes by, when finally Dad says, "Gin, I don't want to have to say this, but I'm going to have to kill you if you don't listen to me and get ready to leave."

(Mom stubs out cigarette and gives Dad the evil eye.)

Dad, leaning on back of patio chair: "Gin, maybe we shouldn't go tomorrow. I have problems in the morning."

Me: "With the poo-poo?"

Dad: "No, with the pee-pee."

Aren't we so mature and classy? Don't you wish you could be part of this clan?

Anyway, that was the end of our visit. If you're wondering if I have an amazing memory to keep track of the ridiculous things my family members say you'd be wrong. When any of them are around, I keep a pen and paper handy at all times. This works especially well when I'm with Jill. Note to self: Buy more paper.

Anyhoodle, yesterday was spent getting a refund for the kitchen set, because Jimmy determined that the table is too long for our space. Sigh. I was so in love with it too.

But we did buy a dog crate for the puppy we're getting in a few weeks, and we even bought a fire pit for the back patio! Mom and Dad gave us money for it as a housewarming. Wasn't that totally sweet? And get this, they didn't have any in boxes, just two on display. So I said to the sweet Lowe's guy, "Hey, since these aren't boxed and are technically considered display models, can you give me a discount?" He says, "Well, it's not something we normally do, but let me see." So, he gave me 10% off, plus we didn't have the hassle of putting the thing together! Wahooooooo!



Last night the girls made S'mores. Yummy!





If Jill and the girls come this weekend as planned, I've proposed a wienie roast! Oh yeah, you know I can make a blog post out of that, don't you?