And I Quote:

Madison, a couple of weeks ago said, "I made poopy and it smelled like pumpkin seeds!"

God, I love this kid. 



Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Warming it Up a Bit

A couple of weeks ago I had this bright idea on how to make my lanai (which is basically my bitch cave) more cozy and cute for me. I decided I was going to string Christmas lights around the perimeter of the overhang and then buy a cool paper lantern to hang over the table.

All great in theory, but how does one hang a lantern without putting a hole in the rented ceiling? Command hooks! Yeah, those work great, except I didn't buy Command hooks. I bought some generic kind, but look... pretty!




But then it fell. Twice. I was not too happy about having to move the table and chairs again and drag the 253 pound ladder around either. After it fell the second time, I knew I had to get the real Command hooks, generic crap be damned.

I was not looking forward to stringing the lights around the overhang either, because, let's face it, I'm fat. It's not fun hefting this globular body up and down a ladder multiple times. Once I'm up there, if I get down that's it. I don't wanna get up again.

But silly me, I forgot. I've got Mikayla and she loves doing stuff like this. I'm a total advocate of domestic child labor.

Then she asked me how we were going to hang them up there.

*crickets*

Then it came to me. Paper clips! Yes, paper clips could work. If I had any, which I didn't. So of course I hunt Michelle down in her driveway and demand paper clips and lots of em. She put out, just as I knew she would and off Mikayla went, up up up the ladder. I was the paper clip bender and ladder dragger. Whew, it was hard work too.




Up and down, up and down, up and down she went. Do you see the size of that ladder? And believe me, it's even heavier than it looks!



Look at the pretty reflection in my just-cleaned windows. I love clean windows! I just hate doing the actual cleaning of them.




Next, I took the bulbs out of the light fixtures because damn, it got mighty bright out here!

It looks cute, no? And isn't it great that we have all woods behind us, no houses? Nice for privacy. That is, if Michelle's back porch, kitchen and dining room windows didn't look directly out on my bitch cave. I have to be real wily about picking my nose and such.




Anyhoo, I decided it was still a bit too bright, so I went to Wal*Mart (gasp... don't judge!) and bought a 25 watt green bulb. Now I truly love it and I'm even ready for Christmas! Shhh... don't tell ThatGirl. According to her, we're not allowed to even think about Christmas until December 1st. I've renamed her ThatScrooge.




Then one 70 degree night, Jimmy felt the need to light a fire. Ya know, 'cause we were freezing our Floridian asses off. Strudel was fascinated by it and kept jumping up to attack the floating ashes. I was just glad she didn't become a pupkabob.






And speaking of Strudel, I think we have the golden retriever from hell. Goldens are known to have a "soft mouth" and a gentle nature. I have scrapes and tooth marks all over my body that say otherwise. I can't even describe the pain when she latches on to my tummy's fat roll. And ooh, a couple of times she's come up behind me and actually grabbed hold of my sensitive inner thigh meat! A few months ago, my friend, Kristen, said, "You're the only family in the world that could ruin a golden retriever." Yep, uh huh.

Yeah, a pupkabob is sounding better and better. Anyone have a really large skewer they could lend me?



Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!

Sterling Petty Blojo

I've lost it. I can't find it. I've searched and searched all damn day to no avail. My blojo. It's gone. You know what blojo is, don't you? It's blog mojo. Kind of like what Austin Powers had for his male prowess, but for me? My blojo is what motivates me to write. It puts silly ideas in my head to share with you. But I've lost the damn thing and I have no clue where it's gone.

Kind of like my purse this afternoon. I was ready to leave for the library when I realized my purse wasn't where I had put it the night before. I searched the whole downstairs then figured I'd check my room. Sometimes, if Jimmy gets in a snit because things are laying around, he'll take it upstairs and put it on my pillow. Yeah, he's nice like that.

It wasn't on my pillow, it wasn't in my closet. It wasn't even hidden under the clean laundry. What the hell? Did he take it with him when he left this morning with the girls for the Jacksonville air show? Naw, he wouldn't go that far to keep me from spending money, would he?

So I called him. He didn't answer. Finally, I decided to take one more trek up the stairs to re-look where I'd already looked. Then I thought, maybe he accidentally put it in Mikayla's room. Just as I got near her door I looked down, and what did I find, but a pile of the girls' stuff that they'd left laying around downstairs. And my shoes. And my flippin' purse! In the upstairs hallway on the freakin' floor! And not just at the top of the stairs where I'd be likely to see it, but around the damn corner toward Madison's room.

The next time I spoke to Jimmy I told him he can move the girls' stuff all he wants, but to keep his hands off my stuff. He told me, "You had it on the stairs. It doesn't belong on the stairs. I'm tired of everyone leaving stuff laying around where it doesn't belong."

Yeah well, I'd put my purse on the stairs so that it was behind the gate so Strudel wouldn't eat it.

Lately his big thing is crap being where it's not supposed to be. Can you say HYPOCRITE???!!! So, he went on and on about my purse and one pair of shoes being on the stairs. Ya know, so Strudel wouldn't eat them. I got off the phone and just glanced around the family room.



Hypocrisy Exhibit A:


Hmmm... that leather jacket looks just like Jimmy's! And hot damn, it's kind of on the stairs!


Exhibit B:



Gee, that suspiciously looks like Jimmy's suitcase that he brought in the house on Friday night. And it's on the couch.


Exhibit C:



I do believe that's my entertainment center and not a dumping ground for various electronics, shopping bags and paperwork.


Exhibit D:



That laptop case and that backpack does not belong to either me or the girls. I wonder whose it is? No, it's not even Zoe's. She's just inspecting it 'cause she knows it doesn't belong there.

I'm not trying to be petty or anything, but. Well. Yeah, I am trying to be petty, 'cause dammit, it's fun! If it wouldn't be such a pain in the ass, I'd take all of his stuff and put it on his pillow! But I'm just too lazy to lug it all up the stairs.

I do have one positive thing to tell you. I got a new laptop! Yeah yeah yeah, I know I just bought my tiny little Acer not 6 months ago, but if you were in this house when both the girls get home from school and they fight over who has to use Madison's Mac more, you'd understand. It was getting mighty tiring breaking up fights over a laptop. So, Mikayla got my little red one and I... I... got a new toy!!!

I got myself the cheapest dual core laptop I could find at Best Buy, and man am I diggin' it!

Look, my little Acer now has a daddy!


Aw, is that not the cutest thing? Go ahead, look again, and take notice of what my blog layout looks like on the Acer, and what I can now see. Yes people, I can finally see the layout I paid for! Woo to the hoo!!!




His name is Sterling, 'cause he's a pretty luminescent silver. And he's big. Real big. 15.6" of dual core ecstasy, his hard drive bringing me hours and hours of non-stop performance...

Ahhhhh.

Yes ladies, size does matter.


Pssst! If you love me, you might love my stupid sister more. Go visit her at Jill's Believe it or Not, and tell her I sent you!