Gobbledeegook

Now that I'm back home from the in-laws' and things have calmed down a bit, I finally have time to blog. Not that I have anything interesting to say, but you'll just have to bear with me anyway, won't ya?

I was so happy to read everyone's blogs and see that you all had a great Thanksgiving! Mine was nice too, but there were many aggravations along the way, but that's just typical for me, I think. We left home Tuesday night for the 3-1/2 hour drive to my in-laws' house on the west coast, where stupid arguments ensued over me wanting a bottle of water, and then later, a cup of coffee. No need to get into the nasty details. Just suffice it to say that being denied beverages does not a happy Tiney make. But, I did have to pee too, so that upped my chances for some java. Stopped at McD's where I was told to "hurry up", but instead I kind of waddled along, enjoying my few minutes of freedom from Jimmy the car. I just happened to have on my blogger t-shirt and the cute little McD's cashier was asking me if I was going to blog about my stop to McD's. So of course I whipped out my handy dandy camera and tried taking pictures of him fixing my coffee. "Oh Johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... turn around!!!!!!!!!!!" But no, he was being coy, so I took a picture of the back of him! Not like it matters... poor little booger doesn't even have internet access!



And then he decided to be funny, and hand me my coffee while facing away from me. Silly McD's boy! I just know he secretly, in his heart of hearts wanted to be famous!



Now let's jump to Thanksgiving day. Ah, the aromas coming from the kitchen! If there's one thing my mother-in-law excels at, it's cooking. Oh, yummy! One of their best friends came over, with her 19 year old son (whom I have high hopes will some day fall in love with Mikayla, marry her, and make gorgeous Cuban/Italian/Polish-looking babies with. Hey, the 8 year age difference won't mean much 10 years from now, right?) and her mom.

Sitting around the kitchen table eating appetizers. Had to crop out an un-named relative that has an aversion to my blog. But that's the back of Mikayla's head, and her future husband and mother-in-law across the table.



Jimmy and Mikayla chatting, and un-named relative's arm.



Took a few shots of the girls hoola-hooping. Wow, Madison is good! She was counting to 100 while hooping. Mommy was impressed!







Then Jimmy and Mikayla's hubby decided to play some pre-dinner ping-pong. Ooh, look at these action shots!









Oh! Almost forgot. I've been told I'm not to show before and after pictures of Jimmy's life changing diet just yet, but these don't count because he's not shown in his shorts, bare-chested and de-furred, right? Just look at the difference a couple months have made in his face! Yes, he looks like poop in the Thanksgiving picture. I think he was really really tired or something.



Now it was time for food, and lots of it. But first, the turkey carving has to be done. With precision. For about 40 minutes. Again, un-named, cropped- off- head relative...



So, I had started eating, when I glanced at Jimmy's plate. Holy gorging!!!!! And this pic was taken after he'd already dug into the plate! Ummm... had to put a funny face over the guest at the head of the table. Accidentally snapped the picture while she was shoving something in her mouth. LOL



Aerial view...
Heeheeeheeeeeeeeeee. Just noticed I unintentionally took a crotch shot!



Little did I know at the time, that he'd finished all of that and then went back for seconds. Here's the end result. Burp.



All I can say is, this is what happens when a man has been eating chicken, fish, veggies and sprouts for over 2 months, and he gets the go-ahead to cheat for one day. Disgusting, ain't it? He even had two servings of pumpkin pie and ice cream. See?



You think he might be sending me a message here?

And hey, would it be a holiday without a bathroom diva picture? I just don't get it though. While putting on my makeup, I felt like I had too much on. Then I take a picture, and I look friggin' anemic! And looky there, HOLY BOOBS!



It was a nice few days, but it was good to head home. But what a boringgggggggggg drive it is! Ugh, miles upon miles through the Ocala national forest. You'd think, for all the boredom I'd at least get to see some critters on the side of the road, but nooooooooooo, I saw nothing but one armadillo. Don't get me wrong, he was cute, but when you see deer and bear crossing signs, you want to see something other than an armored critter! Nope, this is basically all I saw...



And could someone please tell Jimmy that it is NOT funny to turn the lights off just so we could see how dark it is? Ya know, it just doesn't seem safe to do so while driving at 80 miles per hour.

Okay, Thanksgiving is over. Bring on the next holiday!!!!!!!!

My Blog Has Been Commandeered By a Special Guest!

Jamie Sward, an expert with Cookware.Com has written a really great article on non-traditional Christmas dinner ideas, and asked if I could post it to my blog. The article is fabulous and funny, and I hope you all enjoy it! Make sure to check out the links to their fabulous site!


Non-Traditional Christmas Dinner Ideas:

Alright, now I know that Thanksgiving is just days away but I've already started thinking about Christmas dinner. Sue me! This time of year is just so exciting, I can't help it! When it comes to planning an entire dinner menu, it pays to be prepared - right? So I've started early. My Christmas dinnerware is unpacked, silverware polished, napkins and table cloths are pressed - but what are we going to eat? Today, everybody is either a vegetarian, part-time vegetarian, sometimes vegan or has one of 5,000 different food allergies! Good grief! Now I'm not being critical, I'm just saying that all of these dietary restrictions make planning the perfect holiday meal quite difficult. Instead of driving yourself insane - planning individual menus for everyone - why not do it buffet-style and make a little something for everyone? Here are some non-traditional crowd-pleasers sure to be a hit at your Christmas dinner.

• Non-Traditional Appetizers:

  When it comes to holiday appetizers - simple and light is better. A nice shrimp cocktail for instance is a perfect idea AND it will satisfy meat eaters and part-time vegetarians (i.e. - "flexitarians") who make an exception for seafood! Serve it up in a Christmas bowl or garnish with some cranberries and you have a festive twist on a classic appetizer! Why not serve up some holiday chips and salsa this year? Sure chips and salsa is a year round standard but change it up by getting some Garden of Eatin' Red Corn Tortilla chips and green salsa Verde? Or alternatively - dip those red chips into some cool green guacamole. Look at that - red and green! Ho, ho, ho!
  

  
  

• Non-Traditional Main Courses:

  When you think of a traditional Christmas dinner main course, what comes to mind? Turkey dinner? (Too soon after Thanksgiving, if you ask me!) Ham? (Save that for Easter!) This year, why not get creative?
  

  While a Tofurky might work for some of those picky eaters in your family - I'd rather not compromise when it comes to flavor. WholeFoodsMarket.com has a lot of healthy Christmas dinner alternatives worth checking out. My favorite of the bunch has to be the Thyme-Scented Rib Roast! You got your protein, your fragrant, green Christmassy herb (Thyme) - what more could you need? If you have a good mix of vegetarians and carnivores expected, try some stuffed Cornish Game Hens! These guys are small and compact so you can make a few for the meat-eaters in your family, and still have room at your table for a couple of vegetarian dishes.
  

  For the vegetarians on your list, you need something that's both satisfying and filling. WholeFoodsMarket.com recommends a vegetable-infused Shepherd's pie with a crust made from mashed yams! A baked eggplant also makes for a satisfying vegetarian meal, and of course there's always some kind of tofu.
  

  
  

• Non-Traditional Desserts:

  Mmmmm...desert is a necessary part of every holiday meal! Ice cream isn't just good in the summer, you know! Edy's and other ice cream brands have a bunch of seasonal flavors out right now that are very good to the taste buds. Apple pie, peppermint stick and even egg nog-flavored ice cream! Yum, yum! Serve it a la mode with some pumpkin pie and you've got yourself a desert! Drop a scoop into a mug of nice hot chocolate and make a Christmas float.
  

  Vegetarians and vegans, rejoice! Make a non-dairy pumpkin pie that tastes just as good as the real thing! For the vegans in your life, try a vegan-friendly pumpkin and pecan pie! Flourless cakes, cookies and brownies are also a great healthy option for those pickier eaters. Fresh fruit is also a great idea - now's the time to indulge in some fresh pomegranates and citrus. Not only are these tasty treats healthy, but they also add a splash of color to your dining room table!
  

  
  

Isn't the point of Christmas to spend time with close family and friends? Who cares what you're eating as long as you're all together, right? Whether your guests are picky eaters or not, change up your menu this season with some of these non-traditional Christmas dinner alternatives. Serve it up on your finest Christmas dinnerware and you've got yourself a brand new holiday tradition!

Wireless Woes

Disclaimer: In order not to be sued, the name of the following company has been changed slightly.

Dear Smellkin,

I understand that your company claims to make quality wireless products, and that you have an award winning technical support team. I hope you don’t mind if my opinion differs from that of Smellkin.

After countless hours on the phone with several different technical support “specialists”, my problem is still not solved. Not only that, but my ankles are swelled up like friggin’ balloons from sitting in one spot for so long while you very patiently went over every single procedure in your handbook. Five times.

And I do understand about American jobs getting displaced to other countries like India, but could you please keep in mind when I call that you need to speak slowly and clearly so that I don’t have to strain brain cells just to understand? It’s not your fault… I think Indian accents are beautiful. I just can’t understand them. But hey, I can’t understand a thick Italian accent, and I’m Italian!




Anyway, we have removed and re-added wireless networks umpteen times. We have changed IP addresses. We have reconfigured this, and reconfigured that, and still I can’t get online wirelessly.

Do you realize what this means, Smellkin? It means that in order to check my email, I have to trudge my fat ass up 17 steps in order to get to the router so I can plug into it. It means I have to sit upstairs, all by myself, feeling completely lonely and alone. It means I can’t check my email 200 times a day, like usual (although in retrospect if I did this, I’d probably lose a ton of weight going up and down those 17 steps), and I can’t even enjoy reading blogs!





You see, Smellkin, I like sitting outside while blogging, but now, because of you, your inferior products, and your ineptitude, I am unable to do that. You’ve taken away my wireless freedom.



I curse the day your company was born. May all your hard drives burn in H-E-double hockey sticks!



From the table of my outside patio, and composed in Word,
Sincerely yours,

Justiney

She Gave Me a Prompt, I Ran With It!

Michael (Gollum)has challenged her readers to take part in a kind of literary exercise, to create a fictional story based on a picture (of an outdoor tablescape), a video/song (from The Thomas Crowne Affair), and a list of the following words to use as prompts. At least 5 need to be used in the story.

1. french blue
2. rain
3. cinnamon
4. invitation
5. smooth/rough/crinkly/glassy
6. clock
7. circle
8. apple
9. keys
10. summer
11. lovers


Now please keep in mind that I am far from a professional like our Michael. I love to read, but I have never been able to write. But, once given this challenge I felt I had to at least try. So, here goes nothing.



I ran my hand over the smooth surface of my new patio table’s glass top, and thought back in time to last Saturday evening.

It was 6 months to the day that Gideon and I had met at our local library. I had been trying to decide between a classic Nora Roberts book and a newly released Debbie Macomber. Gideon just happened to be passing by, his arms loaded down with back issues of Architectural Digest, when the corner of my chosen book snagged the bottom-most magazine in his stack. I felt the blood rush to my face as magazines dropped to the floor in a haphazard mess.

Then all of that blood proceeded to drain from my face when our gazes collided and his stormy gray eyes locked on my own deep brown ones, electricity arcing between us. Six months later the spark is brighter and hotter than ever.

So, to celebrate our half-year milestone, I’d planned a romantic al fresco dinner for us; everything from an appetizer of fresh shrimp cocktail, to a dessert of my grandmother’s recipe for apple cobbler. The table was set with simple white china, French blue stemware, and linen napkins that matched the glasses perfectly.

When Gideon arrived the house was filled with the scent of cinnamon, and all I had left to do was light the half dozen pillar candles on the table. As I set about my task, Gideon sidled up to me, and took me in his arms.

”Mmm. Something smells delicious.” He nuzzled my neck in that sweet spot just below my ear, the spot that made my knees turn to jelly every time his lips or tongue brushed it. I was just barely able to squeak out, “It’s the cobbler I have in the oven.”

“No”, he said, “It’s you that’s stirring my appetite right now.” I wanted nothing more than to forget the whole dinner and take him to my bed, but practicality won out. “Come outside and sit down while I get you a glass of wine, sweetie. I’ve made a special dinner for us."

“You know that wasn’t necessary, Cassie, but I know I’ll enjoy every bite as long as I can look at you while I’m eating.” He turned on the outdoor sound system while I returned to the kitchen.

After bringing Gideon his wine and our appetizer, we both dug in to the crisp shrimp and exchanged tidbits of our day. Just as I rose to fetch our next course, Gideon grabbed my hand from across the table, and pulled me toward him. “Dinner can wait, but I can’t. Come here and sit on my lap a moment.”

I sat down gently and put my arms around his neck, kissing him lightly on the mouth. Gideon deepened the kiss and all at once it felt like my insides were melting and my womb contracted in anticipation.

Before I realized what was happening, Gideon had my shirt unbuttoned and was stroking me through the lace of my bra, circling my sensitive nipples with his thumbs. “Now Cassie. I can’t wait even another minute to have you.” And with that, he swept his hand across the table, scattering china, glasses and candles to the tiled patio floor. Before I even had a chance to gasp out my surprise, he had me lying across the table, the hard glass cool on my naked back. For what felt like hours, he played my body like a fine violin, taking me to heights I’d never been before. Orgasm after orgasm ripped through my body until I thought I would shatter into a million pieces, not unlike the china scattered on the floor.

When finally we’d both regained our breath we looked into each other’s eyes and I knew something vital had changed between us. We were no longer just a couple dating casually, but something stronger, more profound. “I love you, Cassie. I know this is not the ideal place or time to ask, but please baby, will you be my wife?”

There I was, trapped between a sweaty man and an incredibly uncomfortable table, but all I could think about was that this was the most perfect moment of my life. Just as I opened my mouth to shout yes to Gideon and the world, the skies opened up and rain poured down upon us. While still inside me, Gideon lifted me up and carried me inside, walking straight past the kitchen where the food had dried out, and directly to my bedroom; the exact place I wanted to be from the moment he kissed my neck earlier that night.



Michael was sweet enough to give all of us that tried this challenge, this wonderful writing award. I bet by now she's wishing she'd waited until after she'd read all the stories!

Hanky Skanky

I don't know why, but recently I started thinking about handkerchiefs. I have lots of memories of my dad and his hankies... he had a whole drawer full of white ones, neatly folded. I remember clearly him doing his honk honk honk blow into them, and then putting the damn thing back in his pocket. I mean, Ewwwwwwwwwwww, right?

So I did a tiny bit of quick Google-style research and found out a bit about the history of the handkerchief. There was actually quite a bit of info, but to spare you major boredom, I'm only sharing this quick bit of info.


The pocket-handkerchief is in fact only 400 years old. It was the ingenious idea of an aristocratic Venetian lady to cut a square out of pure flax and then to decorate it with lace. She showed it in the course of a promenade in a public garden, where the delicate handkerchief excited the general curiosity of the onlookers.


So, that's how it all started years ago. Over time the handkerchief was thought to be a sign of wealth, and ladies would actually keep them in their hand so people would know she was of the upper class. Of course, flax went to linen, and from there to silk. At one time, white was not the chosen color for the ladies, but instead dark colors, so when they wiped the snuff off their nose, their hanky still looked clean.

As I was saying earlier, I have poignant memories of both grandpa and dad honking their boogers into their hankies, and the mere thought of it just gives me the willies. I mean, what could be more disgusting than capturing your snot on cloth and then putting back into your pocket for the rest of the day?



And let's go back to the earlier parts of the 20th century, when washing clothes was a huge, hands-on chore. Would you want the chore of scrubbing out the caked-on goobers with one of these? The indignity!



And even in later years, when the washer was automated, how could these women stand the thought of dried up boogs being rehydrated and swirled around with their unmentionables? Just the thought makes me cringe.

Now there is one good quality of the hanky. It can make a suit look super sharp if done correctly. In my opinion, once the tissue was born, this is the only thing a hanky should have been used for!



Now would you believe that the first tissue was created by Kleenex in 1924, but not for blowing thy nose. Nope, it was created to remove makeup! It was only in 1926, when consumers starting writing the Kleenex company saying that they were using their tissues in place of a handkerchief, that the company began changing their advertisements to reflect this new trend. Lo and behold, sales doubled!



So my question is this. Why oh why did it take hanky users over 5 decades to get with the program?



Am I the only one out there in blogland that thinks about this stuff?

Me Gots Another Meme/Award Thingamajiggy!

Yep, another award to add to my cache. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This beautiful award came to me from Donna, over at Our Adventures With Tassie. It's another bookish award, but with a twist in the meme.

Now what I've been told to do is to link to the awesome blogger who gave me this. Done that! Then I've gotta tell you 7 random/weird book things about me. After that, I have to give this award to 7 other people. But you know that sometimes I go against the rules and don't pass it on. This is one of those times, but if you like the award, or more specifically if you consider yourself a bookworm, well take it right along with you!

On to 7 weird book/reading things about me.

1) Well let's see. If at all possible, I have to read an author's books in the chronological order which they were written. Of course I can't do this all the time but I do try. If the book is one in a series than it's a must.

2) Unless I truly hate a book I feel the need to finish reading it. If the book is really bad (like Lisey's Story by Stephen King) I might actually give up on it after reading 200 pages. And along those same lines, I almost never get rid of a hardcover book. Again, unless I completely hated it enough to not even finish it.

3) Even if a book was beyond phenomenal it's doubtful I'll ever pick it up and read it again.

4) I adore the smell of old library books. I know that's kind of disgusting in a way. I mean, when you think about it, possibly thousands of people have had their scuzzy hands on it, eating while reading, smearing the pages with goo. Then you've got the bathroom readers. I don't even want to think about that.

5) If I don't give myself at least an hour in bed reading before I go to sleep I am not a happy camper. It's how I decompress from the day.

6) Like Donna, most of my hardcovers come from a used book store. My very favorite is Better World Books.com. They sell both new and used books at great prices, shipping is free in the U.S. and super cheap elsewhere, and part of the proceeds go to funding literacy. What more could you ask for from a web site? Oh, and their follow-up emails are pretty damn funny too.

7) I actually know and am friendly with two published authors, one a best seller (Michael Lee West, a.k.a. Gollum), and a not yet best-seller named Patrick Sanchez. I've mentioned his books in a long ago post, and let me tell you, they rock. Go visit him on the web!

So, that basically tells the story of my book quirks, but I don't even think there's a way to describe my love of reading. It's my very favorite thing to do, and sometimes, if the book is good, I feel transported to another place and time. Although I buy many of my books, I also borrow from the library a lot too. Keep that in mind when you look at the following picture. Since we moved into this rental nearly 2 years ago, I haven't had a bookcase. The books here are piled haphazardly against the wall like the leaning tower of Pisa, double parked near the bottom. So these are just the books I've bought in the time we've lived here. Imagine what the tower would look like if I added in the dozens and dozens of library books!

I'm a Book Worm! Yep, I Truly Am!

Donna, over at Donna's Den was such a sweetie, and took pity on my ass when I hinted around that I loved this award and didn't have it. Well, now I do, and I thank ya Donna, from the bottom of my book-lovin' heart! Let's see... what am I to do in order to accept this most prestigious literary award?

I must pass this on to 5 blogging friends.

Open the closest book to you, not your favorite or most intellectual book, but the book closest to you at the moment, to page 56.

Write out the 5th sentence, as well as two to five sentences following that.

Ooh bloggers, this is so friggin' exciting to me, because at this moment (okay, not exactly this moment, but you get my drift) I am reading a phenomenal book called American Pie written by an incredibly talented author by the name of Michael Lee West. If you haven't heard already, Michael just happens to be our very own Gollum of Designs by Gollum! I know what you're thinking. "Oh, she's just blowing Gollum's horn (does that sound kinky?) so she can get a book dedicated to her or something!", but that just ain't true although I wouldn't mind a character named Justine in the next book... heeheehee. I've already finished her first two published books, Crazy Ladies and She Flew the Coop, and you can believe me, if they weren't good I wouldn't be reading American Pie right now. I'm a very picky reader!

Okay, I've digressed. Let me go to the 56th page and hunt up the 5th line.

"That's too early." I flopped back on the bed, draping one hand over my eyes. "Come back to bed."

"Breakfast at the Magdalena is a Sunday morning tradition," he said. "Besides, we've got work to do." He reached under the sheet and plucked out my foot, pinching my big toe. "I thought you had a craving for huevos con chorizo."

Now tell me bloggers, was that not literary genius? Michael is like the Michaelangelo of words, the Picasso of syntax, the DaVinci of friggin' publishing! I shit you not. If you haven't grabbed at least one of her books you're an idiot. Okay, that wasn't very nice, was it? Let me try this again. If you haven't grabbed at least one of her books, you can SUCK IT! Oh shit, that wasn't very nice either, was it? Well, screw it. I can't be nice about it. Go buy her damn books already!

Okay, I don't know who all already owns this award, but I've gotta pick 5 people anyway.

First on my list has got to be Jill at JillJillBoBill because she's so damn funny I nearly wet myself every time I visit her. I don't know if she's a book worm, but she's a damn funny writer, so here's to you, Jill!

Next, the honor goes to Michael, at Designs by Gollum! Okay, she probably should have been first on the list, but my brain is half frozen from sitting outside in the cold. I guess it's weird giving an author a book worm award, especially when my post was all about her, but I hope she'll be gracious enough to accept it anyway.

Now to Nikki of the Blah Blah Blah Blog. Nikki is another one of those bloggers who has a mind that moves a million miles a minute, and what comes through her nervous system and down into her fingers and then to the keyboard, cracks me up every time. Go Nikki!

Hmmm... who shall I pick next? I think Dot at Picket Fences deserves this little puppy because all of her posts make me smile. Some make me cringe with the whacked-out recipes she shares, but that's neither here nor there. I also love Dot because half the time when she comments on a post of mine, her comment is ten times funnier than what I blogged about! I just love to stir her up and make her blush!

And last, but certainly not least, I bestow this rockin' award on my great friend Gigi, also known as Bridget, at My Silly Blog. Not only is she also currently reading American Pie, but I owe her one because last month she cleaned out her makeup drawer and sent me all the stuff she no longer wanted. We're not talking Cover Girl crap here either. I'm talkin' Smashbox, Lancome, and quite a few other cosmetic brands my cheapo ass had never even heard of. Thanks Gigi!

Okay, I think I've filled my award obligations now. If you guys who got them would like, you too can pass this one on and do the rules part. But Bridget, I guess you shouldn't because you'd be typing out the same lines as me!

Hey Jill? I Fart On Your Head!

Before I even begin this post, I must ask you, no... beg you... NO... IMPLORE you, to first go here and read Jill's blog post called IF. Because if you don't, this won't make nearly as much sense. Not that a blog of this nature could ever make sense, but hey, it's just how us sistas roll. Now go ahead and read. I'll wait.

Okay, I'm assuming that you respected my wishes and read Jill's post, so let us continue. I just bet that my dear sister thinks that post embarrassed me. Oh how wrong she'd be! Don't we all fart? Yes we do, even you proper, ladylike, southern Picket! Gollum! women do it. Now don't you go shaking your head at your monitor like I'm lying. You know it's so! You may not fart, but you certainly poot at the very least!  And don't go thinking that Jill made up the term, IF.  That's been around since my high school days when me and my best friend Nikki had code words for lots of things so we could communicate across a classroom without anyone knowing what we were talking about.  Our biology teacher in 10th grade was BD.  Why?  Because he had this amazing bulge in his pants, so he was nick-named Big Dick.  Uh huh, it's true.  I can't even remember the man's real name, but I do remember what his corduroys looked like!  Yum!

Anyway, Jill had these questions about how her life would be different if I wasn't in it. I guess I should give her a rebuttal, huh?

If I never had my head smashed by an Aquanet bottle would my life be different?

Well sister, it may very well be different.  I hadn't thought of it before, but that bash in the head I gave you with the Aqua Net bottle could seriously be the stem of all your "Jillism" moments.  Maybe I knocked something loose in there... displaced some much needed brain cells for speech development?

If I could only walk into a store with her and not have to run out with embarrassment?

Now let's face facts.  I don't think I've seen you run since you were maybe 10 years old.  Waddle, yes. Run?  No.  What?  You don't appreciate it when I scream across the store, "But Jill!  Come back!  I want to try on some bras!!!"???
If I could just have one conversation on the phone with her and not hear her clear her throat after every other word?

Would you believe that up until a few weeks ago when you brought this to my notice, I had no clue that I clear my throat incessantly?  It's like a nervous tick or something.
If I could just talk to her on the phone and not read the same exact conversation later in an email that she addressed to me?

Wait, you got this one all wrong.  I'm usually on the phone with you, telling you about something, and emailing you at the same time, while you're reading your email.  And listening to me.  Shit, I think I caught your run-on sentence syndrome.
If I was able to get just one word in edgewise while she is watching an episode of Ghost Hunters?

This one almost wasn't worthy of a response!  Ghost Hunters night is sacred and must not be screwed with.  And you would think that after two years of my watching the show every Wednesday night between 9-10:00 that you'd get a clue to not call me!!!  I just might have to contact Jason and Grant and have them sic some ghosties on your ass.
If I could only get her to wear depends so she doesn't have to change her pants after every laugh attack?

If you would stop making me laugh, I wouldn't keep peeing myself, would I?  And Depends?  Forget it.  Those suckers are expensive.  Just give me an Always with wings and it'll be all good.
If she was able to sit down at a restaurant and actually say she likes what she's eating?

Okay, this one is just total bullshit.  Because you are the one constantly calling over our server to complain about this or that.  My food's too hot, my food's too cold, I didn't get enough ranch dressing... blah blah blah.  I may complain about my food to you, but at least I leave the damn server alone!  Although I have to admit, I've probably saved hundreds of dollars on meals with you over the years, since one of your favorite sentences is:  "I'd like to see the manager, please!"
If she could actually put her decorating sense into good use in her own house?

Hey now, did you forget we're in a rental?  Why the hell would I spend money on decor for a house I don't own?  And, oh yeah, we don't have any money since we've been paying two mortgages for two years.  Hey, maybe you could complain about something to my landlord and he'll comp the rent!
If she could buy enough panties that she doesn't have to show up for a school show with out wearing any?

In my defense, that has only happened once!  And it's not because I don't own enough panties.  I have at least 25 pairs in my drawer.  It's because I wait weeks in between doing laundry.  I've got laundraphobia.
If I would have had a normal sister???????????????

Imagine how boring your life would be!  Think back on all of those farting moments we've had, sis.  Don't those memories just make you feel all warm and fuzzy?  Like the time I ripped one so big we thought I tore a hole in the car seat's upholstery?  Ah, good times.

So can you believe it?  A whole post about how I've negatively affected my little sister's life, and how my farting (which to be honest, I really don't fart all that much) has afflicted her.  And looky here!  She's even given me an award!!!

You'd think my own sister could give me an award and just leave it at that, but noooo, she has to attach RULES to it.

1. You must put up a post that includes a link to my post about this award.

Check.  Done.
2. You must name the 5 most embarrassing fart moments you have ever had.

Honestly, there's only one I can think of, and that happened just a couple weeks ago.  I'd had a huge plate of lentil soup for dinner, and then decided to waste some time roaming around CVS.  Well, all of a sudden I felt a rapidly moving gas bubble, and wouldn't you know that little sucker just squeaked right out.  Luckily it was silent, but unfortunately, it was seriously deadly.  I just kept walking, and thought I'd left it behind, but no... it followed me right up the scented candle shelf (how apropos is that?) where another woman stood sniffing the merchandise.  Unfortunately, I think she sniffed a lot more than vanilla bean.  Oopsie!
3. You must give 3 people an award for something unique you know about them.

I would like to give this award to C, at Tattooed Minivan Mom, mostly because she is the one who asked you if you had any dirt on me, hence IF.  As for something unique about C, well, she can say fuck about 10 times in each of her posts, and it doesn't seem to offend anyone, so that's something.  

Another blogger who certainly deserves my pretty award is Buffie, at My Left Foot.  My good friend Buffie can do some seriously weird shit with her face.  If you don't believe me, go here and see for yourself.  I think she's already got this award, but she can just pretend she doesn't.

Hmmm... who else do I know that's unique and would love to display this pretty award on their bloggy?  Well, it's gotta be... hmmmm... my sister Jill!  Why is she unique?  Well, there are lots of reasons, one that comes to mind, her inability to squat and take a pee without blowing her nose.  I shit you not.  Every time she pees, she blows her honker.  It's some strange Jill anomaly.
4. Name five foods that cause you the most gas.

Lentils, lentils, lentils, lentils, and LENTILS!  Hee hee hee... say that five times to yourself.  It sounds really funny!

So, this is what happens when you've gone a whole week without blogging. You can sit here and type for over an hour about flatulence.  Man am I talented, or what?

MIA--AGAIN!

Can you believe this? I don't think I've visited any ones blogs in at least 2 or 3 days. Why? Because I've been like a dog gnawing on a bone, trying to make my blog festive. Have I at least accomplished that? Yeah, I guess I have, but I may be causing severe eye strain to anyone who comes along. Sorry about that, but you must endure until after the holidays!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to apologize to one and all for not visiting. Oh, and did I mention that in playing with my html I somehow lost my entire blog roll? Yep, I sure did, and had to put it all back on there, and 98% of that was from memory! I didn't realize just how many blogs I visit. Holy crapola! Anyway, if you notice you're missing from the roll please let me know so I can get you back on there.

I do have a post that must be done soon, or Jill is going to kick my ass. See, I have to do it in response to her last post, which I've gotta tell you was quite a riot!

Hopefully I'll be able to start reading your blogs once again tomorrow. I mean come on, priorities! Kids, email, blogs, housework... definitely in that order!

40 Italians and a Funeral

So, yesterday was a bittersweet one for both my family and my sister-in-law's family. My sil's (Pat) mom died this past week and yesterday was the funeral. I've known and loved her mom, Mary, for most of my life, since the age of about 12 when my brother and Pat started dating. When mine and Jill's children were born, they referred to Mary as "Grandma Mary", and she loved all the children dearly.

So, the first part of the day was to be spent at their local Catholic church for a funereal mass. For some reason, when I got ready in the morning I didn't think about how I might be feeling later in the day, and in all stupidity I didn't wear waterproof makeup! The second I saw my brother and nephews rolling her casket down the aisle I completely lost it. If it wasn't for my mother and her endless supply of tissues I would have looked like Amy Winehouse within a minute. As it was, I left the church with half the eyeliner and mascara on my left eye missing, with no cosmetic case to fix it with.

My poor girls. This was their first experience with death, and Mikayla had tears rolling down her face during the entire mass, and Madison was sobbing uncontrollably, and LOUDLY.

The procession of all of us leaving the church and heading to the cemetery was a sight to behold. There were so many of us that the funeral home hired a security company to race from light to light, directing traffic so we'd all stay together. This might be common with funerals, but not that I can recall.

Anyway, graveside (but since it's one of those mausoleum things, I guess it would be drawer-side) service was beautiful, simple, and quick. Mary was to be put to rest in the top-most drawer... directly atop her niece's father-in-law (you still with me?), where my sister-in-law joked she could fart on him. The real reason she's on the very top is because in life she was very claustrophobic, so being up top, she doesn't have anything but sky over her head. And about 8" of solid granite.

Afterward, all were invited over to my brother Jeff's house for the funeral reception. I don't know how things are done in your families, but in mine, the moment the funeral is over and all are gathered in someones house, it's as if a light switch has been flicked. Tears dry up, dressy clothes are flying left and right, kids are chasing each other in the yard, and sternos are fired up under tray upon tray of food. Italian food. Lasagna, eggplant parmesan, chicken something or other, garlic knots, and a stray tray of barbecue pork. Hey, one cannot live on red sauce alone, capise?

So try to picture in your mind 40+ Italians, most of them fat as Dom DeLouise in Fatso squeezed into one kitchen trying to get at the food. And please, if you will, picture me and Mom sitting at the kitchen table munching on some fresh veggies and dip. Now all of us Seinfeld fans know about the whole "double dip" thing, right? Well, apparently Mom never watched Seinfeld and has the manners of one who was raised in a barn. As I sit there talking, Mom picks up a big hunk of cauliflower and starts taking bites out of it. It's only after she takes these bites that she decides she'd like some dip on it. So there I sat, watching as if in slow motion as, her saliva- and lipstick-coated piece of cauliflower swoops down on the dip. EEKS!!!!!! So, me, being nothing if not subtle choke, scolds through my teeth, "You can't DO that!!!!" Mom, of course, looks at me as if I'm nuts. As if to say, "What? What did I do?" That's right. The woman is completely clueless as to dipping etiquette. I stood up from the table, and slunk away shame-faced, thinking to myself that I'd taught her better than this.

So the gluttony is in full swing, jokes and old family stories are told at very high decibels (and yes, I was probably the loudest), old ladies in the family room, the cool, hip, young crowd (me!!!) out on the back patio, the NYers down for the funeral sunning themselves beside the pool, because hey, it's November and it's 80 zillion frickin' degrees. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, we're all NEW YORK Italians. If you didn't already know, that makes us much worse because we can curse in Italian, but with a NY accent. Scary shit, I'm telling you.

So, one of the zillion cousins goes out back to sit on the end of a lounge chair. All you hear is CRACK and a thump. Yep, Trish is on her ass! Does anyone say, "Are you okay? Can I help you up?" NO! Everyone instead laughs and points at her. Jeff forgot to mention that he'd repaired his old resin chairs with a glue gun. Oh God, I love this friggin' family.

So, a couple hours goes by, and another cousin, Ni... Oh wait, I guess I shouldn't give out his name in case he wants his privacy. Let's just say his name starts with an N and sounds like Dicky. But come to think of it, Dicky is a very apropos name for him, so let's just call him that. Dicky is the jokester of the family and likes nothing better than others' humiliation. So it was great when he was in the middle of a conversation saying something to the effect of, "Ya know, that really burns my ass!", just as he was taking a seat in one of Jeff's rigged lounge chairs. CRACK!!!!!!! THUMP!!!!!!!! Yep, another broken chair and Dicky sitting there folded in half. But because it was Dicky this time, not only did the entire clan point and laugh hysterically, but several of them ran with cell phones extended in camera mode to capture his humiliation.

How does your burning ass feel now, Dicky?



Ah, there's nothing like uncontrollable laughter to ease the sorrow of losing a loved one. I know Mary was up in Heaven rolling her eyes at all of us crazy Italians, doing what we do when you get a bunch of us all in one place to grieve together.